Thursday, August 12, 2004

The pressure devices/ Hell in a nutshell/ Is any song worth singing if it doesn't help?

Work was busy today. I was pretty out of it most of the time, and not feeling like I wanted to be there, but I worked because that's all I can do.

Later on, once I got some caffeine, I felt better, and worked fine. It was better toward the latter part of it anyway, less people.

When I got home my dad was on about my mom again like he's been for who the hell knows how long.

She's still going out each night and coming home drunk. Last night I came up here and my dad was up here talking to her in her room with the door closed, and my brother was sitting there like an idiot listening in.

I told him to go to sleep, but he didn't listen to me.

My dad started sort of yelling at me after work today. He kept telling me I'm supposed to tell my mom what she's doing is wrong, if we want things to change. I just said she's an adult and can do what she wants, even if what she's doing is wrong.

I went over to Ryan after I ate something (I was starving), and then when I got home, I was going to have some cereal but I couldn't because we were nearly out of milk. My dad wouldn't let me. I told him to give me some money, I'd go to the store like I said I would've earlier when I came home from work.

He gave me the money, I got milk, some yogurt. When I got home and I was finally eating my Raisin Bran, he told me I couldn't go on the computer after he'd gone on and on about how my mom's ruining our family and how I should care.

He asked me if I cared? and I told him that I didn't care. I said again she's an adult, and that if I were to say anything to her it wouldn't change her ways. I also said that I'd already came to her directly about the problem she has through the letter I wrote her, but he scoffed at that saying it was nothing like approaching her in person. I then told him I can better convey my thoughs and overall do a lot more powerful things with the written word. He probably didn't believe me.

While I was eating and reading this random magazine article, he was all stressed and tense and then told me I couldn't go on the computer.

My parents have always been very anal about me going on the computer. When I didn't have a job, they wouldn't let me go on the internet at all. Once I got a job, they said, then I could go on as I pleased.

I told him that just because he was pissed off at mom didn't give him the right to say I couldn't go on the computer. Then my brother started chiming in as if he was a part of this stupid thing about me not being able to go on the computer. I told him to shut up every time he started to say something. He didn't need to say anything. I had worked hard my five hours, it was busy, and I had a job and they said that once I got a job, I could go on the computer.

Getting all pissed at me for not caring, and because I wasn't going to approach my mom directly about her problems, and because you're all mad she's gone and then saying I can't go on the computer because of it is bullshit.

I went upstairs and took a shower after I'd eaten my cereal. I did not go on the computer, and wasn't going to but then my dad said I could go ahead and go on, so here I am.

I actually don't care about many things in my life, at this point. I'm sort of just here, doing what I have to do to get by.

I've got my job now, and it takes up some of the time each of my days, and I have it so that I can get money and save it up, as well as so I can have more freedom to do things my parents usually wouldn't allow. I've got school coming up soon, and other things.

I am just here. If I ceased to exist, or if a car ran me over right now and I died, then that is the end of me. I do not look at life as something that I'm for sure going to have forever, so I try to do as many things as I can in a given day. I really don't care about many things.

On one hand what my mom's doing is wrong if you think in 3D terms, and about all people involved. On another hand, she's a human being and can do whatever she wants. If she wants to act like she's single and go out to bars, and hang out with men she meets at those bars behind our family's back, she can do it, even if it's wrong, because to her it's right and eventually she'll get what's coming to her.

Anyway there's no stopping her. She's one of those people that does what they want, and love to feed off the tension and attention they get from the conflicts which arise from them doing things they want to do even if they're wrong and even if she has liabilities she's made in her life.

By my dad constantly worrying about her when she's gone, and talking to her when she gets home, it only feeds her more and makes her do more of the same. But if he stopped giving her money to waste on drinking, made her face up to the reality of this situation, and of all the things that will happen if she does in fact go through with a divorce, then she would realize in full judgement that what she's doing is wrong and is complicating everything that her life is up to this point.

But I'm just some 17-year-old, so what do I know?

Not much.

I'm just here, is all. I see that if I don't work hard, my future's more of the same as I've just been presented with right now: working, getting money, spending that money on amusements. I'm really apathetical towards this whole perspective, and I don't really care anymore. Deep down I do not care, but I have to act like I care, so I am an actor just like all the rest of us.

Really, the entirety of my life seems rather trivial, if only in the end I'm going to die for all the struggles. But there's that stupid self-perpetuating power of the human spirit, and even as much as you'd want to get rid of it, it's still there.

I was told I was special when I was younger. That each of us will do great things in this world. That was a lie, obviously. I am not that naive.

Yes, I'm different than anyone else on this world, in that way I'm special. But that doesn't mean I will do great things because I am different in some ways than others.

Great moments are bourne from great opportunity, but few really grab it. Right now I have an opportunity. I am young, I can go down many paths. But each of these paths leads to the same place. Some paths, though, leave my footprints and my writings on the trees and walls for others to read for a long, long time.

I can walk through many doors, but some are locked and take skill to open. I can just break down these doors, but then I cannot shut the door behind me and what's behind the door will always hinder me from what's ahead of that broken door and deeper into it.

[Edited]
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