Monday, August 16, 2004

Dream's Creation

Working is doing my time for the crime of being born. The crime of being alive.

I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to be alive, but I have a price to pay. I've got to slave away. Work nearly every day. There's nothing I can do to change it.

The reason I was born was because of love. An insipid human ideal that's about mutual feelings between a pair of the opposite sexes.

It's been said love is everything. All you need is love. And it doesn't always last.

They divorced when I was three. I've never known my real father.

It didn't last. I am a memory of their time. I was made by their attraction. Them going into each other. Their so-called love.

I was made that day. I had no choice. I was made because you cannot fight the gravities of nature. That love they say that is everything.

I'm going through the motions. On an ocean in the sea and I'm just a little river that doesn't believe. The courses might change sometimes, but it all leads to the same place. The end. It may bend, and it may be a ride, but you'll get to the same place.

Grab the bus tray. Swoop around out of that backroom. Go through the small doorway. Go out into there.

Customers sitting on tables. The sizzling of steaks. The murmur of conversations going on all around. The hat on my head. The belt tight on my khakis. My shoes walking quick on the ground.

There's a table. Cluttered, dishes all over, cups standing, the blue small slip of paper turned around. I set my tub down. My hands move but my mind stays. In a flurry of movement I put the dishes in my tub, getting off the contents. I take the glasses. I wipe it away with the rag. The table gets clean.

But am I clean?

Working away, the slave, like all the rest. The job gives the money. The slips of paper that allow your survival. It's a revival. Lets you have the right to live.

He stands in the doorway to my brother's room. I'm going down the stairs, to go to Wendy's, to go to Ryan's. He says, "Come here. I want to tell you something." He ushers me into my brother's room, closes the door. Says, "You don't work tomorrow, do you?"

"No."

"I'm moving out tomorrow," he says. I tell him she's the one who should be moving out. He says I shouldn't be mad. I run down the stairs, "I need to get the hell out of here," I say and shut the door.

I am mad, but not in a mad way. Just annoyed.

As I'm driving to Wendy's I listen to Scarling's "Alexander the Burn Victim" and think that without my stepdad--my real dad--I would not be what I am.

He has taught me to work hard, at my job. He has taught me discipline. He has made it so I can make it on some level in the real world.

I get to Wendy's and order a #1. It's $3 and something. I pull out my five and pull forward in the drive through. There's two cars ahead of me.

I hear a girl talking through the drive through's intercom. She says something about a salad. I hear the money amount said, and she pulls forward. I can see her in my mirror. She's got her head down, looking for some money I suppose.

I realize she doesn't realize I'm looking at her, and that makes it interesting. I think, you're beautiful, because all women are.

I pull forward and get my bag to go, get my change, and I'm off.

I go to Ryan's, I eat there, and we talk about things, eventually going up to his room.

Eventually I leave there and come home.

I run up to go on the computer. Ryan wanted to play Starcraft with me.

My mom's on.

I say, "Why is he moving out? You should be the one moving out." She says, "I don't want to be with him anymore." I say, "Then why are you forcing him to move out?" Then she says, "I don't want to be with him anymore." I say, "You're blind." She says, "How am I blind?" I say, "You're unable to feel empathy." A sit there a while, then I say, "It's like I said, 'Love is about mutual feelings.' It's about all people involved, not just you, not just what you want." She doesn't say anything.

I go downstairs and wait till she gets off the computer. I come up many times, to see if she's done, and she's still on.

I turn on the TV. Nothing's ever on. But I turn on G4 Tech TV, and Judgement Day is on. I like the show. I watch it.

I run up there again. She's still on.

I come back down, and go through the channels. Nothing's on.

I think of going to bed. I wonder when she'll get off.

She finally gets off and I come up here.
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