Saturday, November 8, 2003

Grim right, sleep tight.

I have accomplished nothing today. I have sat here at my computer alomst all day...just doing nothing. And thusly, I felt I have done nothing, nothing at all.

Last night my Mom came home from going out and drinking with her mid-20s friends like she has seemingly done all this week. I could tell because of the way she was acting.

She always acts like a 20-year-old speaking widely and outwardly when she's like that. I don't know if she was drunk. That I doubt. Moreso likely, she was probably just having a "buzz."

Anyways, she told me something to the extent of she went through the pain of giving birth to me, and yet I am so mean to her. I can't even remember exactly what she said, so that should tell one how much it mattered to me.

She also mentioned something to the extent of, "I know you said the F-word in an IM conversation." She did not say this exactly, but more indirectly, obtusely.

I am either thinking she reads this exact site, this online journal-ish thing, or she is still reading every single IM conversation I have by some means.

Whatever the case, I no longer feel I can even post in here in an honest way. I feel like I'm being snuffed at, like I'm some little kid that needs to be watched; which I am not. At all.

I don't think it's any of their business what I am doing online. It never has. Never will.

I come on here to get away from them, as well as to speak to people and get to know them. That's about the extent of what I do, other than post on OB when I feel like it, and do my job modding there.

If they wanted to know what I am doing online, going behind my back like this to find that information is not the right way. They could just ask me directly.

I don't think they have the guts to. And I don't think, even then, I would tell them, though. What happens on the internet, to me, stays there. Well, mostly.

Anyways, now I feel exceedingly paranoid with whatever I will post in here or say to anyone online.

Other than that...today has been really boring. I cleaned the house, as per usual, and I even cleaned my room completely.

My room looks foreign to me now. It's been messy for such a long time that I have just gotten used to it.

I'm a really lazy person...I don't see a point in cleaning things often. So most of my things are messy. I'd like to think I am messy internally as well. That my mind is messy, full of so many thoughts that it just can't see them all at once, and can only focus on one.

My room is now too clean. It is insane, really.

Whenever I move my eyes over my desk, my drawers, just my room, it doesn't look like it has for so long. All there is where there once were things is emptiness. And my eyes just fall over everything as I look, and it just doesn't seem as familar.

After cleaning my room and the house, I then called Ryan to see if he wanted to do anything. He was still cleaning his room, which is what he had been doing last night. I was going to go over there last night, but he was too lazy to actually clean I believe. So I didn't get to go over. And then today was the same thing.

This time on the phone he hung up on me. I asked him when he was going to be done again, and he then hung up. It wasn't a big deal. The reason why I had hounded him was because I felt I needed to...you know, just do something today. Also there's the fact that my parents were leaving tonight, so I could only do something for so long.

I ended up just going on the computer yet again, doing absolutely nothing.

I had a little conversation with PoisonTongue, and we got things sorted out, and shook [e-shook] on being friends, and then soon after, my Mom cut me off as she was online. I'm still not sure if he got all I said before I left.

Today has been such a waste, really.

I didn't go to any friends' houses. I didn't go to get any job applications. I just sat here, where I am now, and did nothing.

My parents left a bit ago to go to a Toby Keith concert and eat. Before they left they ordered us a pizza.

I hadn't eaten anything else all day, so I ate about 4 pieces of pizza and called it good. I probably won't eat anything more tonight.

I am just in an overly negative mood, but I won't let it spoil some kind of good mood. So I'm barely content right now, but doing it fine. I just wish I could go to a friend's house, or something, rather than watch my brother.

I don't think I've gone to a friend's house for a few weeks again. And the only thing I did away from the house this week was go see The Matrix with my own money.

Whatever the case, I'm just sitting here chilling. I really wish there wasn't any snow right now, and it wasn't cold, and it was summer or something. Then I could go for a nice walk. That's another thing, I haven't gone for a walk all week. It just feels like something is missing from my life. I'll sit here all bored, not wanting to go out because it's cold.

I could go for a walk, but I don't want to walk in the snow, and in the cold. I hate doing that. I like fall weather, when it's somewhat cold and somewhat warm, and the leaves just smell into your nostrils. Not the cold, numbing winter months were you end up just sitting inside your house most the time, doing absolutely nothing, and wishing you actually had a life like I am right now.

At least I have a 4-day weekend I suppose. And some homework. That gives me some sense of purpose.

I also have to get a job by the end of the month or else I shall get my computer taken away. I doubt I'll be able to get one. I'm too lazy, too lacking, and since the whole Target crap, where they sent me a letter saying I didn't get the job, my outlook has been bleak.

Life is so purposeless. Ah well.

I suppose tonight I will sit here and play video games, maybe stay up late. We haven't had the PS2 for this week because my brother got in trouble at school, and thusly my parents won't let me play for what he did. It's kind of dumb, but I live with it. Such is life. They did give it back since they went out though.

Otherwise, I'll read some of The Adventures of Huck Finn for AP English, since we have to be on page 116 of that by Wednesday, when school starts again after the break.

Maybe I'll even watch TV, which I barely do. Maybe even write.

Writing. That's something I've really been neglecting, I think. I need to get a lot more serious than I am now if I seriously think I can even do a thing with writing. We'll see.


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