Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Memories

I have finally started playing Chrono Trigger again. I did two nights ago. I was going to play it last night as well, but I had to get...some of my homework done.

I hit the tip of one of my typing fingers on this thing at Ryan's house that I was sitting on. I smashed it in between it as it was closing from its top thing. Now it's all blue and it got bigger in its blue-area today. So it's kind of difficult to type.

My Mom went out drinking again last night as per usual. When she got home her and my Dad were arguing as I came up for a glass of water.

My Mom turned to me. "What do you say to moving into an apartment with me, Mitch?"

I just stood there, grabbing some little packet that was a first AID thing, I believe, and playing with itso I didn't have to look at anyone's face.

"Tammy, we're not breaking up," is what my Dad kept saying, among other things.

Most of my Mom's answer were, "Leave me alone," and such. My Dad also mentioned that her "being depressed isn't helping at all."

And my Mom kept asking me what I thought, and kept trying to force me to take sides. And how? I love them both in some way.

Oh, but supposing to my Mom, I hate that she gave birth to me, and I also hate her, for some reason. Wherever she heard this I do not know.

The only thing I said of her idea to go to an apartment was, "It's absurd." And then I was off downstairs.

I also remember what my Mom had said the very second I came up, or near that. "I don't want to exist anymore. I don't want to exist." And images of my Mom dead at her own hand clogged into my brain. Why would that even come to my mind? Who knows.

My Mom is on so many pills to combat the so-called "depression-thing" she has. She must be on at least a dozen pills, and she also takes a sleeping pill. It's insane, really. I'm sure that by now she's become addicted and at a tendency to these pills, so they end up doing less than anything to help. I just wish she would get rid of the pills and just see a psychiatrist or something. But I never say anything to her, because it's her and my Dad's place, not mine. It's their marriage. I am not going to take sides or tell my Mom what to do. She already gets angry enough at my Dad for what he says when he's mostly only trying to help her, so I won't be able to do anything. And I have told her things at times. Never helps.

She also smokes, which is the number one thing I wish she would just stop already. I absolutely hate the smell of smoke, and I also totally loathe watching someone smoke, or anything. It's selfish really. It's killing yourself for pleasure. It's also disgusting. And also a waste of money. And also the waste of a life.

I can't stand being in between their fights, so I left as soon as I came after drinking my water. Before I left, this is what my Mom said in response to my Dad saying that she is his wife, and she'll just have to live with how he is:

"Fine. I'll look at you every day and see how disgusting you are to me."

She said more than that, too. But that's all I can remember.

Needless to say, I went downstairs and just started doing my homework, take my mind off this crap.

I read The Adventures of Huck Finn to the pages we were supposed to for AP English. I also tried to do my Math, but I had forgotten everything during out 4-day weekend. So I did it half-assed and not caring too much.

It was nice and relaxing to read the book. It actually started moving faster.

As I was reading it, my Dad came in as I thought he would. "You know your Mom didn't mean what she did, right?"

I said yes, and that I was reading. I didn't want to hear about it, it was their ordeal, really, not mine.

I finished reading that book to where I was supposed to about 12:30, and then I decided to go to sleep. I still didn't get to sleep until later as I sat in bed in the dark just thinking.

This morning, after I had eaten and taken a shower and gotten ready, as I was unlocking my car to start it up, my Mom shouts from her window, "Bye Smitchy!" and all I could do was wave.

She hates everything and loves it all in the next twitch, it seems.

Ah well.
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