Sunday, November 16, 2003

The rainbow goes doopy doopa doo.

Didn't do too much today. Most of today I was yet again in my somewhat humored yet not humored mood which is manifested by my feeling that I am getting depressed but don't want to and don't see reason to since, well, why get depressed over things when you don't have to?

It's been like this all week, mostly. I have been especially bitter in school lately. My heart is just gone when I'm there. I just want everything to settle down already. I want to have a steady job, I want all these imminent stresses to go away.

The thing that stresses me the most is the facts of geting a job, going through college, and things like that. Everything is tied in there.

My school work continues to get more rushed and sloppy. I got 1.5/5 on a math worksheet this week, along with 5.5/10 on another. In Computer Programming I can't even think anymore. I just don't want to do it anymore, and whatever heart that I had for it is gone. The main thing about it that I hate the most is how frustrating it is. Programming is like speaking a different language..things aren't said in the same way as in the way you speak, nor in the same order. And something always goes wrong in the program I am making. Plus we've started learning about loops, and I look on it with my cynical attitude of who cares, and it doesn't matter. I still don't understand loops.

I totally hate the way the book we have teaches us how to do things in visual basic as well. It tells you what to put in for your code, and doesn't really allow any explanation. This is horrible. It's just regurgitating useless information. Earlier in this year I would actually force myself to enter what it wanted to do without copying the code, but no longer. As I said, my heart isn't in it.

In Newspaper I just sit there and listen to music, browse OB, and in all, do nothing. This issue we have been assigned groups of three people, and I was told by my group that I was going to only do some shorts, not a story. So I haven't done anything. As it goes, the other people that are doing the story, of course, haven't gotten it done. So that's going to hurt my grade in that class.

In English this week we've just been reading The Adventures of Huck Finn. I'm again at the point where I don't want to even read the book. The plot twists that Twain puts in this book are way too sudden in my opinion. Or perhaps I just don't like this kind of unpainted writing.

I do like the book so far, but I don't know, I don't particularily like reading any longer. My heart is gone from that as well. I don't know. It has to do with I don't have the attention span to read, as well as other things. It's mostly that I don't enjoy reading any longer, along with endless amounts of other things.

I also didn't write anything most of last week. The only time I wrote something was when I forced myself to write a poem, and also a quickly written poem for English that I did at the last minute right as they were due.

What else.

I have hated PE so much. We have been doing our CPR unit for a few weeks now, and it's all in a boring classroom, and all is basically the same thing each and every day. We watch a video telling how to do some certain form of CPR, whether it be child or otherwise, and then we practice on mannequins. Boring and useless.

My heart is just not in anything anymore. I'm struggling to try and force myself to get a job. Every week that passes I endlessly wish I just had a job already, and tell myself I'm going to try and get one. Never happens. I just end up being as lazy as hell and getting yelled at by my Dad that I sit on the internet too long and that I don't do anything.

My Dad also says I need more friends, that I need to go to football games from my school, and that I need to be more social. He also says that one of my only friends I have--Ryan--is a shut-in and that I should find someone better to hang out with. Sure, whatever.

This weekend I have been going over to Ryan's to play Battlefield 1942. It's a war game that is very entertaining when played over a LAN. So we've been playing that.

Later today, we decided to go to Adam's. Jolie, who is sort of a friend of mine, was also there. Jolie is about six years older than me, as well as Adam and Ryan.

We played Magic the card game. Adam, for whatever reason, decided he was going to write down everything that happened during the game. So he did.

Jolie kept patronizing him for doing it for no reason.

When we started playing our second game, I read the first letter of my back card, since that's how you determine turn order--by who has the lowest letter in the alphabet.

I said, "P."

Ryan followed soon after with, "M."

And then Jolie finished with, "S."

We stood silenced for a second. Then burst out laughing. It was just so funny--I mean, what are the chances that, in certain order, and read order, you would get PMS, of all things? Quite funny. Jolie and I and Ryan all started laughing at this, but Adam didn't.

Half way through our game, Jolie withdrew, saying she wasn't going to play, since she didn't like Adam writing everything down. She then packed up and left, saying that Adam was pissed at her for doing what she had.

Adam was just in a bad mood it seemed anyways.

We stood outside Adam's driveway, just talking. I left soon after, since I had to be home at 12.

And that is the extent of what I did today.

I still don't see how I'm ever going to be able to get a supportive enough job ever...I can't even get a job now. I'm so damn lazy it's not even funny any longer.
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