Sunday, October 10, 2004

Bullet Proof. . .I Wish I Was

Today, I almost got myself fired. Intentionally. But they gave me another chance.

I was messing around, and I whipped Alex who looks like that guy who plays Spider-man. A customer said, "Is that flinging stuff all over?" And I said, "Yes. All over you."

The customer subsequently complained, and Donah took me into her office, and it didn't matter too much to me then if I was fired or not. I played it cool, told her what I had done straight-up, told her it was my fault, told her I'd apologize to the customer. Found out he'd left because he was mad.

She said, "Do you want this job?"

I shook my head, "Yes," I said.

She said we all make mistakes, and that I wasn't fired.

I told her, "Thanks for giving me a second chance." Did I mean it? Not really.

On one level I was happy I wasn't fired because, I knew if I was fired my parents would give me shit, I'd have to find a new job, and other such things of said manner.

On another level, I just didn't care.

I have enough sense to know to keep my thoughts to myself when it's imperative to the situation, when it could be detrimental. But today, I just pushed my luck for whatever reason. I don't know what it was.

I think mainly, I'm sick of the monotony. I'm sick of busing most of the times I've been at the place. I'm sick of dealing with the customers.

Eventually, though, I'll finally move up to line, and it'll be a lot easier. They already trained me on pies and friers, which is much easier than busing.

On another hand, Mike's getting a job at Hollywood Video, and says I could get a job there once I turn 18, which is this Tuesday.

The pay's better there. It's not busy as fucking hell there almost every day. Work's easier: most of the time would be sitting there watching movies, or playing games, or some thing, when there's no customer to help out.

Today, there was this baby crying, for a long time. Tears in his eyes. I just thought, Welcome to hell. I also thought, I deserve to cry more than you. You've still got the easiest parts of your life to go through. But I don't cry.

Women, they think babies are all "cute," all "cuddly," like they're some doll for them to carry around.

Well, when I see someone with a baby, the first thing I think is, You've done your purpose in life. And it's a rather purposeless purpose, because there's already 6 billion other people out there. I think, Why not just die now?

I never want to have kids. They look all cute and cuddly when they're young, but when they grow up they'll be like every other person. They won't be special. They won't be different. They'll still have all the limitations, all the shit this world does to you, done to them. They'll become another slave in this system.

Also, when I see old people all over the place at the Steak Buffet, I think, I hope I never get that old. I hope I die about fifty, even earlier.

I work tomorrow.

Right now, I'm trying to write my Macbeth essay. . .it's not coming out too well. It's shit, basically. But oh well, as long as I do it tonight, mostly, and then improve it tomorrow, make a second draft.

God, I'm such a crazy bastard. Hopefully some woman can tame this beast.
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