Saturday, December 6, 2003

Tony and I finally get to talk for real probably the second time.

Dilapoid: OB won't let me go on to it at all.
Semjaza Azazel: OB is lame.
Dilapoid: It keeps saying my IP is banned, my IP is banned.
Semjaza Azazel: You
Semjaza Azazel: re missing nothing.
Semjaza Azazel: WiP is where the action is, my friend.
Dilapoid: I'll go there, Tony.
Dilapoid: I'm talking to this person who's journal I found on LJ. They are really, really cool.
Semjaza Azazel: May I see it?
Dilapoid: http://www.livejournal.com/users/shutterwind/325962.html
Dilapoid: We have a lot in common. He likes Radiohead, and he's as weird as me lol.
Semjaza Azazel: Well that's always cool.
Dilapoid: I'll have to give you our conversation sometime, or post it on My O.
Dilapoid: And in my LJ as well.
Dilapoid: I got a flu shot today.
Semjaza Azazel: I never get flu shots.
Dilapoid: "ITS GOING TEH BE TEH WORST IN THIRSTY YEASSRRS!!!!!!!"
Dilapoid: That is what they say.
Semjaza Azazel: lol
Dilapoid: My Dad forced me.
Semjaza Azazel: I heard on the news.
Semjaza Azazel: They're actually out of vaccine.
Semjaza Azazel: It's all been shipped.
Semjaza Azazel: Supply is less than demand.
Dilapoid: Yeah. It wasn't free when we went.
Dilapoid: They were out of the free stuff.
Dilapoid: Needles are one of the things I'm most scared of.
Dilapoid: Heh. I'm also trying to get him into the Pizies.
Dilapoid: *Pixies
Dilapoid: I don't think sleeping in jeans is insanity at all.
Semjaza Azazel: Pixies rock.
Semjaza Azazel: Jeans are wonderful.
Dilapoid: I wear jeans over anything all the time lol.
Semjaza Azazel: lol
Dilapoid: I myself sleep in just boxers when I sleep.
Semjaza Azazel: We're just trend setters.
Dilapoid: But wear jeans all the rest of the time.
Dilapoid: Heck, I've worn the same pair all this week, that's how much I care what I am wearing.
Dilapoid: Did you read my My O post?
Semjaza Azazel: Not yet. Finals are killing me.
Dilapoid: But I want to talk to my Tony. :-(
Dilapoid: Stupid Finals.
Dilapoid: I'll kill them for you before they kill you.
Dilapoid: Or so I wish.
Semjaza Azazel: lol
Dilapoid: The world needs more final destroyers.
Dilapoid: They could be like giant warships, or something.
Semjaza Azazel: Or even just one lol
Dilapoid: Yeah.
Dilapoid: Tony, what makes you weird isn't bad at all. At least you don't chew on anything in your hands like some baby that's going through teething and can't seem to keep anything out of his mouth and feels the urge to just drift off in thought as he's chewing on something.
Dilapoid: :p
Dilapoid: Forevergreen. From "Velouria."
Semjaza Azazel: Yes.
Semjaza Azazel: Actually, that's a cover.
Dilapoid: Velouria is a cover?
Dilapoid: I never knew that.
Semjaza Azazel: No.
Dilapoid: What is a cover?
Semjaza Azazel: They actually did a song called tht.
Semjaza Azazel: Forevergreen.
Semjaza Azazel: I believe.
Dilapoid: Oh.
Dilapoid: You always know more about music than me. *bows*
Semjaza Azazel: No.
Semjaza Azazel: They didn't lol
Semjaza Azazel: I was thinking of Winterlong lol
Dilapoid: lol
Semjaza Azazel: Both remind me of Winter.
Dilapoid: Forevergreen reminds you of winter? Not me.
Semjaza Azazel: Evergreen.
Semjaza Azazel: Christmas tree.
Dilapoid: But it's "Forever"green lol. I see where you're getting it. I guess it makes sense, though.
Dilapoid: It is fun to take words apart, most definitely.
Dilapoid: Man, I have been tired all day it seems.
Dilapoid: I fell asleep in English.
Dilapoid: I love sleeping when it's not required.
Dilapoid: There's something great about doing something so good when you don't have to.
Semjaza Azazel: It's nice.
Dilapoid: We weren't doing anything in English, though, so I was not the "bad" student.
Semjaza Azazel: Yeah, you might as well in that case.
Dilapoid: I'm glad we are done with Huck Finn. It was a pretty average book.
Dilapoid: Although I love Mark Twain, aka Samuel Langhorn Clemens.
Dilapoid: You know what's amazing, though?
Dilapoid: That Huck Finn was released during the time when slavery was abound, and so on...and the book is obviously entirely against it.
Dilapoid: That is amazing.
Dilapoid: And that is the reason why it's seen as an American Classic.
Semjaza Azazel: It's not as if everyone back then agreed with it.
Dilapoid: Yeah, but still.
Dilapoid: It's still amazing on some extent.
Dilapoid: Back then it was seen as entirely wrong to not believe in God, and not believe in slavery from society's eyes.
Dilapoid: It is still labeled as wrong to not believe in God from society's eyes to some extent.
Semjaza Azazel: I suppose.
Dilapoid: Yes.
Dilapoid: My Dad acts like it's the end of the world that I'm actually thinking for myself and not believing in God.
Dilapoid: And he seems to think I don't believe just to piss him off as well.
Semjaza Azazel: Many people do, to be honest.
Dilapoid: Of course.
Semjaza Azazel: Oh well. Not much can be done.
Dilapoid: Not much at all.
Semjaza Azazel: You're not allowed to be your own person if you live in your parents house.
Semjaza Azazel: Very rarely anyway.
Semjaza Azazel: So you just have tod eal.
Dilapoid: I've realized this.
Dilapoid: I almost cried last night at how my Dad just yells and yells at me, and then ALWAYS, and I mean always, he turns around and allows me to do what I want.
Dilapoid: Yesterday it was I wanted to go to my friend's house.
Dilapoid: Then he comes down and bitches at me for 10-some mintues.
Dilapoid: And tells me, mainly, that I need to be "responsible" by cleaning my room and making my bed each day and doing what I am told.
Semjaza Azazel: My dad used to do that a lot too.
Dilapoid: And so I do what I am told.
Dilapoid: I clean my room, make my bed, shovel the walks, take out all the garbage in the house.
Dilapoid: Then I ask if I can go to my friend's house, since he said I could go after I did all of that.
Dilapoid: And of course he says not.
Dilapoid: *no
Dilapoid: And tells me, "The roads are too slippery."
Dilapoid: What a dumb excuse, too.
Semjaza Azazel: lol
Dilapoid: I only drove home to and from school in my car in the slippery mess. I wonder how I did that.
Dilapoid: So then I go downstairs, and go online.
Dilapoid: And I decide I am going to play Starcraft.
Dilapoid: And before I do, he tells me I need to apologize, and I need to think over what he says, and tell him what he's told me.
Dilapoid: Apologize for WHAT?

Dilapoid: I didn't do anything.
Dilapoid: So I said screw that and I went downstairs.
Dilapoid: I started Starcraft, and then as soon as I did that, I was kicked offline.
Dilapoid: Then I try to go back on, and I can't get on because he's dialing on the phone so I can't get on.
Dilapoid: So I sit there for about 30 minutes just listening to music and listening to the dilaing of his phone as I endlessly try to go online.
Dilapoid: And then I decide to go upstairs and try to get him to give me the keys to my car.
Dilapoid: And I of course am not sincere in what I say.
Dilapoid: And then he says I'm not sincere with my apology.
Dilapoid: And yet I'm apologizing about nothing,.
Dilapoid: And it's impossible to apologize and care.
Dilapoid: And then I tell him all that he said in one kick, monotone, sarcastic voice, and tell him I know what he's said, but he's said it a million times.
Dilapoid: He still won't let me go to my friend's house.
Dilapoid: So I just go downstairs and put on my head phones and lie in bed in my boxers trying to sleep.
Dilapoid: And I barracaded my door for some reason, beacaue I didn't want to talk to him.
Dilapoid: It's obvious that when I go in my room and I lock the door that I want to be left alone
Dilapoid: But of course he comes in and knocks down my clothes hanger thing I have and puts that all over the floor, and turns on the light and starts talking all nice to me.
Dilapoid: And then he says me friend has called and that I can go over there now.
Dilapoid: After about an hour and a half of endless struggle over nothing, it always ends up like that.
Semjaza Azazel: Hmm. I find that my parents are 10 times nicer if my friend is somehow around.
Semjaza Azazel: If they call or come over or are there.
Dilapoid: And I didn't want to go at all. And I lay under my sheets almost crying and sick to hell with this.
Dilapoid: He begins saying I can stay at my friend's later.
Dilapoid: First 10:30.
Dilapoid: Then 11:00.
Dilapoid: That is the first time he's EVER let me stay at a friend's that late on a school night.
Dilapoid: It was amazing.
Dilapoid: But I didn't want to go.
Dilapoid: It was just falling into his stupid trap.
Dilapoid: But eventually I decided I would. So I did.
Dilapoid: That was a waste of time.
Semjaza Azazel: Yeah.
Dilapoid: Then my Mom comes home about 12ish, and makes me get offline, which is fine.
Dilapoid: But she also seemed somewhat drunken.
Dilapoid: And she sits here and asks me to tell her I love her.
Dilapoid: And I couldn't tell her.
Dilapoid: And I couldn't hug her. And I don't know why.
Dilapoid: I just wanted to be left alone.
Semjaza Azazel: Do you not?
Dilapoid: And she starts crying in my Dad's room, and I have to listen to that.
Dilapoid: I don't know.
Dilapoid: I do not know.
Dilapoid: First off I was in a bad mood from my Dad I guess, and I don't know if I do love her in a "love" sense. I just don't know.
Dilapoid: She keeps saying that I hate her too.
Dilapoid: I did try to give her a hu.
Dilapoid: hug
Dilapoid: But she wouldn't hug back.
Dilapoid: I'm not a really emotional person on the outside.
Dilapoid: And when she came up to me all emotional, and started crying, I just can't stand feeling that emotions for some reason. It's just something that I don't want to feel, or something. I don't know. I don't understand myself up to this point a lot of the time.
Dilapoid: I'm really distant with my parents.
Semjaza Azazel: I'm physically distant.
Dilapoid: Exactly.
Semjaza Azazel: My dad hugs me sometimes. My mom kisses me on the cheek or something when she goes away on trips,
Semjaza Azazel: That's it.
Semjaza Azazel: I don't do it myself lol
Dilapoid: And lately, mentally, I don't even know.
Dilapoid: I'm just used to being alone to myself and so on.
Dilapoid: When my parents try to transcend this barrier, it doesn't help at all.
Dilapoid: And when my Mom comes to me in the middle of the night when I'm half asleep like that, I don't even know what to do.
Dilapoid: I am not used to it.
Dilapoid: My Mom never talks to me it seems. My Dad just yells at me all the time it seems.
Dilapoid: So I just sit here in my room and listen to my music and just do what I've done for so long.
Dilapoid: And my Dad often comes down here and bitches at me anyways.
Semjaza Azazel: Yeah. Understandable.
Dilapoid: He said yesterday that this is it. He's not going to yell at me any longer.
Dilapoid: And what happens first thing I get home?
Dilapoid: He tells me I am GOING TO GET A FLU SHOT NOW.
Dilapoid: AND I MUST BECAUSE HE SAYS.
Dilapoid: And I tell him it's my body, and I don't want a shot.
Dilapoid: But I was forced to go.
Dilapoid: It wasn't a big deal, but he started yelling at me in his same tone that I just can't stand as always.
Semjaza Azazel: lol
Dilapoid: I basically don't care if I die from the flu. So why should I have to get some shot?

Dilapoid: Plus I hate needles.
Dilapoid: The basic feel of them in my skin just makes me shiver.
Dilapoid: But I did take my needle like a man.
Semjaza Azazel: I've no problem with needles, really.
Semjaza Azazel: I don't like seeing them go in though lol
Dilapoid: My Mom has been telling me I'm depressed lately too. As we were at Applebee's earlier she asked me what I was depressed about. I could answer of course. I mean, I think it should be obvious. Nothing matters much to me.
Dilapoid: But I don't know. I don't want them to know me for some reason..I'm too used to them not knowing me.
Dilapoid: It's always like this. When I'm most tired I talk the most lol.
Dilapoid: But I'm sure it means something to you.
Dilapoid: Does if I clean my room and make my bed each day even make me responsible or not?
Dilapoid: Not in my opinion.
Dilapoid: My dad also thinks I'm so immature.
Dilapoid: He especially did that when I was under my covers when he was in my room when I was sleeping, and also when I was all sarcastic at trying to apologize.
Semjaza Azazel: You know, the main problem is that you're very, very independent mind wise.
Semjaza Azazel: Parents do not appreciate this lol
Dilapoid: Well, I can't help it.
Semjaza Azazel: you're not supposed to question cleaning your room or eating some bad diiner.
Dilapoid: It is Mitch.
Semjaza Azazel: dinner&
Semjaza Azazel: I know you can't, but there's times where it is beneficial and times where it isn't.
Dilapoid: I will start cleaning my room without being told if it's such a big deal.
Dilapoid: lol
Dilapoid: My Dad always seems to make things big deals.
Dilapoid: He'd yell at me for HOW I SAT IN A CHAIR WHEN I ATE DINNER when I was younger.
Semjaza Azazel: Yeah. I guess you just have to sort out what you care about and what he does.
Dilapoid: That's so stupid it makes me laugh.
Semjaza Azazel: lol
Semjaza Azazel: It is.
Dilapoid: I actually don't care. I'm just doing it to make him stop yelling at me already.
Semjaza Azazel: Yeah I know.
Semjaza Azazel: You don't have to CARE about it.
Dilapoid: It isn't even yelling, more like he's all confrontational and in my face, and so on. But it's about the same as yelling.
Semjaza Azazel: You just have to get it out of the way so you can enjoy yourself.
Dilapoid: He seems to think I do.
Dilapoid: And if I don't, what is the point? There isn't. But he can't see this. And that is so endlessly annoying.
Dilapoid: He's been doing what he's been doing for years.
Dilapoid: He has anger problems as well...
Semjaza Azazel: He's not going to change.
Semjaza Azazel: You're not going to change him.
Semjaza Azazel: Unless he hits rock bottom, nothing will matter.
Dilapoid: And while I'm usually calm as hell, I sometimes get sick to here with his crap.
Semjaza Azazel: there's only two things... stand up to him until he backs down... which I did.
Dilapoid: A few times I've gotten physical with him.
Semjaza Azazel: At one point anyway lol
Semjaza Azazel: Really helped.
Dilapoid: Exactly.
Semjaza Azazel: the other is just dealing with this and forgetting it.
Semjaza Azazel: You'll be oput of there eventually.
Dilapoid: I don't even want to think of that whole venue. lol.
Dilapoid: I can't even get a job now.
Semjaza Azazel: I get the impression that you really don't even want one.
Dilapoid: Of course.
Semjaza Azazel: So you're not going to find one lol
Dilapoid: Do you want to work for your whole life? Of course not.
Dilapoid: I don't want to work just to get some money either really.
Semjaza Azazel: I don't want to do a lot of things, but I can't do a lot of things I WANT to do unless I do that.
Dilapoid: It's pointless to me. Just another required thing in society.
Dilapoid: If we weren't as smart as we are, we'd travel in herds, and each person would have their skill mastered by a young age.
Semjaza Azazel: The problem is that if you live by that ideal, you'll never get anywhere.
Dilapoid: If they were a hunter, they'd have that done.
Semjaza Azazel: You'll be in your parents house forever.
Dilapoid: And so on.
Dilapoid: I know.
Semjaza Azazel: You can think that all you like. I do.
Dilapoid: I just don't care.
Dilapoid: And I know you don't either.
Dilapoid: You can try to say you care. But yuo don't.
Dilapoid: *you
Semjaza Azazel: But you have to comply for awhile lol
Semjaza Azazel: Get a job and save.
Semjaza Azazel: Just save.
Semjaza Azazel: You'll get out of there faster.
Dilapoid: I'll try.
Semjaza Azazel: And you won't be home as much.
Semjaza Azazel: Which will cut down on a lot of stuff.
Dilapoid: I'll try. But saying I'll try basically means I'll continue to do what I'm doing lol.
Semjaza Azazel: I know it will.
Dilapoid: Which is not doing anything and just going to school and so on.
Dilapoid: I wish I knew you in real life. Then we could be famous together.
Dilapoid: You deserve to be famous lol.
Dilapoid: I'll tell you I care about you and most everyone I've met alone than a lot of people I know in real life.
Dilapoid: Other than the few real life friends I have, and some other things, that's the truth.
Dilapoid: And why is this? I don't know.
Semjaza Azazel: That's just how it is. You have to give people a chance online.
Semjaza Azazel: You don't in real life.
Dilapoid: Yeah,.
Dilapoid: If you consider, what would your life be without the internet, really?

Dilapoid: You would never have met me. James. Tori. Anyone.
Dilapoid: And so on.
Dilapoid: But you're not supposed to think like that, as you showed with the X thing, and as I've already found.
Dilapoid: Just live with what you have now, it's probably better this way.
Semjaza Azazel: Do you think the X thing is actually important?
Semjaza Azazel: You didn't seem to at first, but you've mentioned it a few times since then.
Dilapoid: It stands out in my mind, it must be..
Semjaza Azazel: I don't know, it just had a big impact on me.
Dilapoid: I just didn't open up I guess.
Dilapoid: But it has.
Dilapoid: I don't even remember my father, you don't really remember yours.
Dilapoid: They must be not there because that's the way it is. And because things seem to happen for some reason.
Dilapoid: Whether that reason is bad or good is anyone's guess.
Dilapoid: But bad often grows good and good often grows bad.
Semjaza Azazel: I don't believe in that fate bullshit. I don't know if there was a reason for it or not.
Dilapoid: I don't know.
Dilapoid: I'm just saying it could be.
Semjaza Azazel: I just realized that it didn't matter. We are living our life. It doesn't pause. It never reverses.
Dilapoid: Yes.
Semjaza Azazel: And instead of thinking about all that crap, I'm just going to deal with what is.
Dilapoid: Exactly what I said.
Dilapoid: Tackle monsters from their hearts, not their heads.
Dilapoid: Don't think so much over what made a monster, but think of what it's heart is. Basically what it feels at the moment in the moment at the moment.
Dilapoid: *its
Dilapoid: That's my "flowered" version of what you said lol.
Semjaza Azazel: lol
Semjaza Azazel: Nice
Dilapoid: If meeting you means nothing, well, at least I have someone to tell something. At least it makes me momentarily seem like something matters.
Dilapoid: And I do hope meeting you online does matter.
Dilapoid: But if it doesn't, ah well.
Semjaza Azazel: I suppose so.
Semjaza Azazel: What do you mean?
Dilapoid: My Dad totally hates the prospect that I talk to people that I don't even know lol.
Dilapoid: What do I mean about what?
Dilapoid: I mean you might not remember me the rest of your life, but we have what we have now.
Dilapoid: That's what we should do, as you said. Live in the moment.
Semjaza Azazel: I don't get what you mean by meeting.
Dilapoid: I don't either. I don't get myself right niow.
Dilapoid: *now
Dilapoid: I feel light headed, and half alseep.
Dilapoid: I'm thinking out loud from my half-asleep mind lol.
Semjaza Azazel: lol
Semjaza Azazel: So sleep fully.
Dilapoid: What of meeting?
Dilapoid: It would probably be awkward. I'm terrible with people, I really am. Unless they make me feel comfortable.
Dilapoid: Radiohead's cover version of "Wish You Were Here" is great.
Semjaza Azazel: Rasputina did a cool cover of that, if you can find it.
Dilapoid: I'll try to.
Dilapoid: That is funny as to how the prospect of meeting came up from my lethargic mind, and then I was listening to "Wish You Were Here."
Dilapoid: Music is like that. It's always there for me, like some kind of mirror for me.
Semjaza Azazel: Yeah.
Dilapoid: So do you think you will be as much Tony as you are now when you're older? Or do you think the world will make you more jaded? Or has it already made you too jaded?
Semjaza Azazel: I can't imagine my basic self will change.
Semjaza Azazel: It never really has.
Dilapoid: Only physically.
Semjaza Azazel: Well superficially.
Dilapoid: But you know, your mind is created from physical things.
Dilapoid: Without eyesight you wouldn't be able to have visual representation of things in your mind.
Dilapoid: And so many other things.
Dilapoid: The physical is what fosters the mental into its beginning growth, at least.
Dilapoid: I just find that interesting.
Dilapoid: What if you couldn't see?
Dilapoid: The way you see things would be different--you'd use your other sense more acutely...and you'd probably not see things in your mind like you do.
Semjaza Azazel: That's true.
Semjaza Azazel: I hate to cut this short, but I have to go eat lol
Semjaza Azazel: I'll be back a bit later.
Dilapoid: Ah.
Semjaza Azazel: Nice actually getting to talk to you for once.
Dilapoid: I'll try to stay then.
Dilapoid: Yeah, it is.
Semjaza Azazel: Well don't overwork yourself lol
Semjaza Azazel: Bye Mitch.
Dilapoid: I hate talking to you when you seem to only use acronyms.
Dilapoid: lol
Dilapoid: When you are so busy.
Dilapoid: Goodbye Tony.
Semjaza Azazel: Bye

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