Tuesday, December 9, 2003

Feel what I feel.

Dilapoid: Sorry I'm a failure.
ShyGuy51185: You aren't really getting any facts across, this is just a short non-fiction anecdote.
Dilapoid: Well, I don't really care. As long as it's out of the way.
Dilapoid: It may not be "journalism," but at least it's soemthing entertaining in some facet.
Dilapoid: *something
ShyGuy51185: Yeah, just don't try to enter it into a Journalism competition or something.
Dilapoid: I can tell you, I really care less to read most stories in a newspaper. The columns are what I read.
ShyGuy51185: And I read the columns, too.
ShyGuy51185: But the news stories are more important.
Dilapoid: Unless the stories actually are entertaining, and quirky...otherwise I find them too mundane and uninteresting, and if I don't care for it, then I won't like it.
Dilapoid: I suppose.
Dilapoid: Anyways, soon I sleep.
Dilapoid: I still have not got my latin done, and I still haven't studied for Geometry, which I have a D in, but ah well.
ShyGuy51185: Sleep is good.
Dilapoid: At this point the main thing I need to do is get a job..
Dilapoid: My insurance is 90 dollars a month now. My Dad says I need one by the end of the week, or else bye-bye computer.
ShyGuy51185: Yes, getting a job is very important.
Dilapoid: Plus I need to do something with my life, I feel useless.
Dilapoid: I'll end up working fast food, that is all that will hire me.
ShyGuy51185: All high school students are worthless, no offense.
Dilapoid: I have no other skills, other than writing. And writing is useless at this point.
Dilapoid: Then why am I even alive if I am worthless? Good question.
Dilapoid: Oh, because I was born from my parent's sexual acts.
Dilapoid: If I had the choice, I would have chosen to not to exist. But it wasn't my choice, obviously.
Dilapoid: I should be thankful I am alive, but I really am not.
ShyGuy51185: You just have to find a purpose for yourself. It takes time.
Dilapoid: There is no purpose.
Dilapoid: There is only things which make purpose seem to be there.
Dilapoid: It may be pessimist, it may be whatever.
Dilapoid: But it's reality.
Dilapoid: We sit here all our lives distracting ourselves from what we are. And that is that we are mortal things which don't have a purpose and are on this planet simply because we are. We search for reasons as to why we are here, we try to force people to give themselves a reason via religion, god, hell, and heaven. We try to divert ourselves from what it is we are doing here--and that is living. We shower ourselves in love, we drown ourselves in side things, we dig deep into life to only find vanity in everything we do, deep in our hearts. And then, as if the ultimate ends to all ends, we will die when we are old and finally understand things wisely and as completely as we can.
Dilapoid: That's the basis of our existence in an arc.
ShyGuy51185: There is usually a lot of eating and sleeping in between those steps.. but yes.
Dilapoid: Yes.
Dilapoid: Sleeping is the only time I am truly happy, because I don't feel anything, and I seemingly don't exist for a brink of time, and that passing of time passes like nothing and without any thoughts or anything but non-existence and detachment from reality.
Dilapoid: We learn to understand, and we understand to learn. We experience to know, and we know to experience. But in the end it's what we know and what we experiene and what we understand that makes us the most jaded. The older we become, the more twisted and distorted we become. When we are younger, we do not understand, we do not experience. We are innocent, and actually happy.
Dilapoid: But soon inevitablities of the world are crushed into our skulls. We find that Santa is not real, that our imaginations are not too welcome in the world. We find that things are slated out for us, that we must get job in order to gain the one right which is giving to us no matter what, yet hypoctritically teared from us if we don't do what society says--and that is to live. We have to fight for the basis of living. We have to understand what is the purpose, but really, there is not purpose where there is not purpose. But still we live, and still we work because we want to live for some reason, and to live, to do one of the most basic things which takes no energy but to sleep and eat, we must complex our lives with endless superfluous things.
Dilapoid: Knowing all of this hurts more than anything ever will.
Dilapoid: Knowing that things could be different. That our ancestors didn't have this intellectuality. That they hunted in packs, and they knew their purposes and how to do their jobs at a young age.
Dilapoid: Anyways, I'll shut up know.
ShyGuy51185: Heh.
Dilapoid: It probably means nothing to you at all. You already know.
Dilapoid: These are the things that go through my head each day. I'm pretty much thinking out loud.
Dilapoid: Sometimes it's good to hear words from someone else though.
Dilapoid: But ah well.
ShyGuy51185: How can I comment on anything you have just said?
Dilapoid: You don't need to.
ShyGuy51185: I just don't know what to say.
Dilapoid: Because you feel the same things on some level, I hope.
Dilapoid: Each day I hold onto that someday I shall be able to hug someone tight, and tell them everything I know, and that we will make each other live in some way. That somehow all these emotions and things I think of each day will be extinguished through this. And it's a lie. It is not going to happen.
Dilapoid: Eventually, too, that will fade away. What was there will die.
Dilapoid: I've seen it with my parents.
Dilapoid: And in the end I'll be back where I am.
Dilapoid: Living for myself more than anything else. A selfish existence that is pointless.
Dilapoid: And it's hypocritical as well.
ShyGuy51185: You just need to find the right people to tell these things to.
ShyGuy51185: You need a girlfriend, or something.
Dilapoid: The thing is, I don't tell anyone anything of this sor.
Dilapoid: *sort
Dilapoid: I tell it to my writing.
Dilapoid: And if people see it in it, then they see it in it.
Dilapoid: I am also too shy.
Dilapoid: Sure, I have crushes. Sure. But it's just a crush. I don't have the will to take it to the next level, because I know it'll just fall apart someday anyways.
Dilapoid: Passion never lasts with me.
Dilapoid: It dies as soon as it comes.
Dilapoid: And it's right in that way. Something should never, ever last forever. It just isn't worth it to last something forever.
Dilapoid: If life lasted forever, I'd kill myself in the end.
Dilapoid: But death will do that for me, so in a sense I don't have to worry.
Dilapoid: Why do we have to go to school? If I could, I would be as ignorant as I could be. Because ignorance is bliss...and being a fool is better than being wise. For being wise is the ultimate vanity, it is the ultimate emptiness. When you know that everything you create will die, and the destruction is a better form of creation, it's just hard to live anymore. You want to destroy yourself, you want to destroy what is making you know that destruction is the only way to feel better. But still on the outside you make yourself happy with distractions.
Dilapoid: And still you are forced to live with what humanity has created.
Dilapoid: You are forced into school, forced into work, forced into money, forced into god if your will isn't strong enough to fight it.
Dilapoid: And eventually I won't fight with it anymre.
Dilapoid: *anymore
Dilapoid: Eventually I'll just work and work and work...and I won't care and I won't think like I am now.
ShyGuy51185: Yeah, that is the direction where I am heading.
Dilapoid: I'll be blank and empty, but I won't think like this, because I will be brainwashed into doing what society says I should do.
Dilapoid: All of the passion in me will die, replaced by falseness, and false existence, and false realizations.
Dilapoid: And if I have children, I will continue the web.
Dilapoid: And if my children get smart, they will think what I think.
Dilapoid: And as much as I nourish them, they will be just like me in most ways.
Dilapoid: And the circle will continue endlessly.
Dilapoid: And to no reaons. And to no need.
Dilapoid: There is no point in it. I don't want to live in society. It is so stupid it is laughable.
Dilapoid: People aren't judged by their natural skills, such as writing, but they are judged on how they can confrom to society's views on things and slave away doing it the way society sees.
Dilapoid: Maybe I'll be famous one day. I doubt it.
Dilapoid: Writing is slowly dying in me. Slowly I don't want to write anymore.
Dilapoid: I am sick of writing about what I already know, and most people simply putting it off. I am sick of telling myself things over and over again. My patience is dying, my wills are dying, the entire reason for everything is dying, and really has always been dead. But still I'll conform to society eventually, most likely. But who knows...perhaps I will become famous. But I doubt it.
Dilapoid: The only thing that makes me happy is satirizing how funny the world is,.
Dilapoid: This done by religion, how we are shown to work, how we are shown to go to school, then college, etc.
Dilapoid: This is what makes me as happy as I now can be.
Dilapoid: It makes me smile to know that I am more clever than society, religion, etc will ever be, and that I can see through their bullshit.
Dilapoid: But I think anyone can do this logically..
Dilapoid: They just have their own ways of saying it.
Dilapoid: Their own ways of laughing that aren't exaclty laughing.
Dilapoid: People play in sports because it drives them, and it makes them feel something they've never felt. They do it as a distraction that feels so real that it is real, but really, it isn't.
Dilapoid: That's what writing is to me. But it's dying because I'm starting to get bitter even saying the same things again.
Dilapoid: That's enough of my ranting, anyway. It's been 30 mintues, and I'm dead tired.
Dilapoid: And I've been tired all day, too.
Dilapoid: Are you even there, Josh?
ShyGuy51185: Yeah.
Dilapoid: I hope something I made did something to you. Because I feel passionate right now, but I'm guessing it'll be gone as soon as it came.
Dilapoid: Life is about sticking it to the man, lol.'
ShyGuy51185: And who is this man who you are sticking it to?
Dilapoid: Society and all its enslavers.
Dilapoid: And pagans and catcholics and all their false ideals.
Dilapoid: And god and all he's created.
Dilapoid: And reason and how it's not there.
Dilapoid: With my sadness I shall humor myself and twist it to laughing.
Dilapoid: Fuck idealism. Fuck societalism. Fuck everything but realism. Heh.
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