Saturday, December 13, 2003

Bleh.

Bleh. Just bleh.

I feel bleh. Everything is bleh. Bleh bleh bleh bleh.

I don't even know what I am feeling right now. I do not at all, I can't even begin to know. I'm too tired to want to know either--I'm beyond tired, somwhere in that funky zone that is "too tired to be tired."

I stayed up until about 6:30 or so last night. I still wasn't too tired when I went into bed...but I wanted to sleep, and escape from reality for awhile.

So I awaken this morning to my Dad screaming at me to get up, and everything just hazy because I was so tired I felt like I was just going to faint back into sleep.

He told me I neeeded to get up. That I need to get a job, clean the house. That I had work to do. That I don't have any want to do anything with my life.

And he said it all in his same, annoying tone that I've come to totally hate.

When I wake up in the morning, I rarely do anything with anyone. I am alone to myself, and I am extremely pissy. The morning is something like picking up the pieces of yesterday and just going on with today.

So this said, I was really, really especially pissy this morning. And the thing I hate the most of being woken up when I could've slept so many more hours and not had to been awake and having to deal with all the crap that is everywhere. I seriously just didn't want to exist at that point. I just wanted to go back to sleep, but of course my Dad wouldn't let me.

I even drifted off to sleep in my bed for a little time. I shut my eyes, which were so heavy, and just fell right back to sleep. I was soon woken up again, though.

It really, really pisses me off to be woken up when it's the weekend and I could still be sleeping. It is so annoying. I stay up late so I can sleep in late and sleep heavily, and of course, it doesn't fail, my Dad wakes me up and pisses me off straight-off in the morning.

I ended up just going upstairs and sitting on our steps for a while, just not wanting to do anything but sleep. I eventually forced myself to clean the bathrooms, then slowly vacuum the floors.

I got over my Dad waking me up, though. I don't stay pissed off too long once I get up and going in the day.

My Dad took me to see a movie. I didn't even want to go. I'd rather have sleeped. The movie was Stuck on Me. It starred Matt Damon and some other people. It was a decent movie, but I just didn't care.

In about the middle of the movie my entire body began to ache like it has been doing more and more often today. I say ache because that is probably the best way to describe it. I don't even know how to describe it. I don't want to. It's an amazing feeling, though.

It is a feeling hopelessness mixed with an extreme desire just to let out all of my emotions in a physical manner. It's all of my passion and emotion seemingly trying to spill out of me--and that's what it feels like, too.

But I don't want to try and explain it. Because I can't explain it well.

The basis of it is I feel a strong desire just to hug or kiss someone. It's a rather selfish, pitying desire...but I'm sure many people feel it.

It's strange though. It hasn't been this way with me at all, except a lot less oftenly. But now it seems to happen twice a day or so..a time when I just feel so passionate and want to physically carry over my emotions to some girl if I could. Or just talk and be affectioned by someone.

And I've never really felt this way too often. Most of the time I act like I'm some amazingly strong person--which I guess, in some ways, at least, I am. But inside I'm not. Inside I don't even know what the hell I'm feeling. I try to understand it and I write it down in places such as here, and I have it all scattered in my brain, but I don't know what it means, because it doesn't mean anything. It's just me aching for something to make me feel more and whole and better--it's basically the lamentation of love, I'd say.

I haven't been like this. Usually I'm a cold, apathetical person--but deep inside, I know that I'm not like this. I see all the pain of the world and I feel it all in me, and it wells all around me and makes me ache and stressed and all worked up--and it tries to fester itself out.

I can't describe the feeling, but I'm guessing most people have at least felt it. But lately it has been happening so often I just can't stop feeling the pain turning into what it is becoming.

It's amazing, really. The feeling. But I can't begin to say how it feels...it goes beyond what I can write here. It's physical and mental emotions and held-in things all just outpouring from me in some insanely moving, powerful way. I can't begin to describe it.

I don't even know why I am posting this--I have tried to understand this feeling in other posts on my Livejournal. Nothing too amazing or concrete came.

But this is personal stuff. And that's why this is called a journal. It is my own place, and so I'm going to try to say things in some manner. But this feeling is amazing. It is something that just makes you feel something all over. Ache all over.

I felt like this at the movie, and I still feel it now. I just want to passionately let someone make me feel better, and them the same, and for it to get rid of all the pain and anguish and hatred I am feeling lately.

Sadly, this is hopelessly romantic. Life isn't like this...I'm still going to feel the pain anyways.

I could cry off my pain--but I choose not to. It makes me feel weak, and when I see people cry I can't even force myself to acknowledge that emotion. I just turn my head and keep everything inside.

I can be a really cold, satirizing, apathetical person. But when I am worked up like I feel now, and have felt so many times this week, it is just amazing. Perhaps it's just raging hormones, though. But I think it's something more amazing than that, because it feels so amazing.

It is sexual in a lot of ways. I begin to wish I could kiss something passionately, and so on. But I guess that's just one of the things that really makes me feel release is sexual desires and acting on them.

Anyways, don't ask me if this post makes any sense. Because not much is making any sense to me at this point in my life anyways.
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