Monday, December 15, 2003

All in All You're Just Another Brick in The Wall.

Today hasn't been too good, either. I was doing decent until English 2nd period.

We began studying over Realism and Naturalism today--which are two things which I feel a lot for.

At times I am more of a naturalist than a realist, other times I'm more of a realist than a naturalist. So I don't know where I lie--but I do know that I like these two philosophies more than transcendentalism.

We were asked to write what we think life is on blank pieces of paper. I decided to put down my little piece of my poem that I wrote last night, paraphrased a bit:

life is you life is me
life isn't anything
life is you life is me
the way you move the way you breathe

life is you life is me
and that's the way
it has to be.

I would like to make this poem into a song someday. We'll see--I'm getting a guitar for Christmas hopefully.

We listened then listened to "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas. What a melodramatic song that sounds like. And while we listened, we were to draw what the song means to us on paper. I used words, since words are what I draw with the best:

a man closes his eyes
breathes in and cries
there is life in those eyes

melancholy tunes
the speaking that sings
when it is always
what should have been seen

romaticist romances me
but comfort isn't comforting

dust blows blinds me
the wind
and the sky
the eye that makes me see.

I still find it amazing how I can just write a poem right on the spot--and it usually turns out decent. Most of the people in my class said something to this extent, and when I wrote my "life is you life is me" piece on the board, some people said, "Wow, that's really good."

The teacher read it and said it sounded optimistic. I went to say that sometimes life crushes me and I hate it, and other times I love it. So I said I go both ways, and she commented that I'm more of a realist then. I guess that's true. But I still agree with the naturalists and their bare-bones meaning to life.

It was depressing to have started talking over these two philosophies, but it's not like it isn't something I feel every day. A lot of people looked like they were going to cry.

After that, we started watching a piece from the full-feature movie of The Wall. I actually didn't recall ever knowing there was a full-feature film for The Wall, but I now know. And the movie looks so very, very awesome.

I was also wearing my Pink Floyd T-shirt today, as that was pretty cool.

What we saw of the movie was amazing, though. It's totally the stuff I love--making so many things symbolic.

We watched the part where it showed a world desecrated by war, and where there was this bird-thing that kept changing, and then the British flag dismembered to show just pieces of it that made a cross, and then the cross turned into one that was on a tombstone, and it started bleeding a trail, and it showed the blood expanding out. Very beautifully symbolic stuff. I really, really want to see the whole movie now.

We started dancing in gym today. I hate it, mostly. Why we even have to do it doesn't even make any sense to me.

I'm not sure how it is at other people's schools, but each year near the end of gym we have to do dancing. The basis of this is standing in class and learning some completely inane dances and then dancing them with girls. While it is nice to perhaps touch a girl's waist, or touch her hand, I still don't like doing it. I don't even try when I do it, either, because I just don't care. It's pointless. I could be doing so many other better things than learning some stupid dances, but I have to just because we are forced to take the class.

I hate education.

I think it's useless at this point. I've learned what I want to do with my life. I could be in college already...but no, things have to be set up and organized.

I hate things that are organized. I think messes and chaos is far more beautiful than anything else. And the education system is one of those things that is organized, that is set out for you to do as soon as you are born, as is getting a job. I don't like being forced into things; rather, I like being subdued and encouraged into them, and having the opt to quit at any time. And also having the opt to not believe in whatever I am doing and never have to worry about it again.

A lot of the time at school I just sit there and listen to my music on my headphones. Anything to help me escape from existence. Anything that makes me feel like I'm more than I am.

I have felt very crushed earlier today, as if I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. I have also felt very sarcastic and very trying to just hang onto humor. I have been many things today.

Right now my mood is as subdued as it always is. But I don't feel too bad, not as bad as I could feel. I'm still sick of everything at this point mostly though.

I sent in two job applications yesterday. One to Dan's Supermarket, the other to K-Mart. Both places I've applied at before. And I highly doubt they will hire me this time.

I actually didn't even really want to make this post, I almost stopped right at the beginning. But I forced myself, so I can have something for my loyal followers to read. Not that there are any for certain, but you know.

I feel really tired right now. It would be so nice to sleep right now, but I can't. I have to do my stupid homework.

I cannot stand Geometry any more. That class is driving me crazy. I just don't care, but I have to act like I care. And none of it is making any sense any more, it's making less and less sense each and every day. I just do not care.

I'm just glad after this week it's Christmas vacation for me--yet all I see it as is more time to be lazy as hell.

I've been trying to get a job for about 4 months now. I stil haven't. I can't believe it's already Christmas, and I'm still sitting here being lazy as ever.

I'm just sick of so many things, and most of the time I do feel hopeless. Besides this I still act like I'm completely fine all the time. And if I feel terrible at school, I just put on my headphones if I can and listen to my music.

Lately I've been listening to AFI's The Art of Drowning. It's actually a very good record if you want something that's upbeat yet sad to listen to all at once, and it meshes with me well at this point. Because that is how I have felt lately.

We started HTML finally in Computer Programming today. Visual Basic was a total waste of time for me, so I'm glad we're moving on. We also get to design our own webpage, which I'm going to do about my poetry. That should be very, very fun to do.

Well, that's all I have to say that I can think of.

Lie in the comfort of sweet calamity.
Comments (2)