Sunday, August 31, 2003

An essay conceived to my parents.

The way the world works certainly revolves around rules. And this itself involves placing a conjecture...a type of assumed value upon things, which, otherwise, would be worthless.

Money is an excellent example. The entirety of us as a world today earns its very foundation from this "conjectured value," and thereby infrastructure, stolid foundation, and the very power of us in society is found to build everything from nothing; and this everything even itself being, ironically, nothing. But with this falsified value...suddenly faith in nothing is everything. Belief in nothing is everything.

Nothing and everything is the balancing game of rules. This is what rules are all at once, or, this is what, more or less, rules in its form is.

There are different types and methods to rules. Some are strictly enforced immediately upon obstination, while others are simply laws...and are always there; sort of like the laws of physics where everything has a set parameter, a set way at which it should be.

In a broader sense this is what the societal machine is. We are born, and upon, we are immediately shown how to correctly behave. We're also right away slowly coming to understanding how gravity affects us; how that if we touch a burning stove, it causes pain. And we never go back to that pain unless we carelessly and without thought touch it.

And here is the best example I can give of the kinds of rules that are just sort of, always toiling their work: as soon as we are born, we begin to die.

How is that a rule? A rule is something that is to be carried out, whether with your consent in the manner or not. So saying that, it is realistically impossible to bend past the laws and twists that are rules.

To do so is only to later experience consequential truths.

And most of the time this is done with one's knowing all these consequences and these rules. It's just like getting hit by a jolt of pain...but yet some endlessly fight it. Some, after touching their hands and tainting their hands in the bled blood that is rules being hacked and broken find a pleasure in it. So they continue doing it.

Eventually they are so numbed that their prerogatives don't even have reasons...they just do it as a twitch. Like a grimace or an uncontrollable scream.

In this way rules themselves are contradicting...they are meant to certify a way one should act, or serve as. A way one should be.

Yet they are meant to be broken to then be changed. It's an endless cycle that can be seen in the simplest, most succint cases...yet otherwise can happen with the most uncouth complexities.

Just take a look at Darwin's theory of Natural Selection. It states that nature's tendency is to keep those organisms, which, over long periods of time, mutate on accident to a more survivable form within their habitats. Such is the way with everything in a sense.

We as humans, though, don't exactly have a documentable method to our adapting best to our situations. Sometimes we overlook the most simple things, which, in turn, either rob us of what we sought to gain, or in a strangely lucky way come out better because we did something different than what we meant to. That's exactly what rules cause you to do...make the best out of a given situation.

Of course, some will repeat and repeat what is the wrong course of turn in the eyes of others over and over again. Such is our nature as humans. We let our emotional tendencies overcave our logical ones.

People don't like change. They like rules to be what they are. They like familiar things to be the way they are. But often it's forced upon one to change...it happens when, in society, we slowly grow older and older.

With the cognizancy to question a million different things within our minds from an abstract, original form, we soon learn to fight what we have and had. We fight with retribution, with retaliation. We think that every wrong can be made right.

It's true...but only in a luminescent sense. Things such a rules are meant to be bent...or broken. That's the way of humans. We will fight what we see as stupid and imbicilic. With open eyes, or simply fickle purpose we do this.

We do it even if it causes pain...the thought of it one day finally changing upon all this received pain gives us our contention. It makes the endless pain worth the while...to finally feel what we think should've been the right way, or find out it is the right way once we awaken and put our opinions aside.

It was like this with the blacks. They fought against it endlessly, ruthlessly.

At first a slave will think that they only serve their purpose.

Intellect changes all of this. The slave finally realizes that he's just as able as a white.

Again it's easy to see the false values. Based upon religious reasons, most whites during the time of slavery were given reason to their reasons by a possible other false ideal called God. The thought of slaves even went nearly as far as being called a "rule."

Most people never understand exactly how someone feels about something. They can't accurately, with concise ability, put on another person's exact feeling. But they can try, most often. But they will only be mostly internal with themselves in even trying this...especially if where they stand on something is quite meaningful to them. So they end up not looking at both sides in a sense.

False values. That's what I see rules as. What the way God is to me. What they way the world is to me.

I cannot believe in something without the truth being the certain, absolute truth. So I bend them as much as I can. I abuse them and smash them until they suit me as a person.

Perhaps there isn't a thing such as a truth. But I still try to find a truth. Like an annoying, buzzing fly flying inside my brains in an endless circle I go over and over these things...bending and molding and crushing, trying to find some truth. Find what I as a person want to believe. And rules and nothing will change that. I will see things as I want them to be seen. It is my will as a human to do this. And by this rules try to drain. They try to suck what little humanity and what little self I have or had.

I am so muddled over everything that I have taken in and found that all I can see now is one big, crumbled image of what I'm supposed to be.

So I think. And I fight. And I take in what I think is right. And I drain in what is wrong.

All that will truly ever matter is that I die standing by what I believe. And to this day, I only believe in the opposing sides; I believe that there is nothing to believe in, only false identities. False faces. False meanings. So I will continue to break, bend, burn.

I will do what is right from my eyes, no one else's. It may be selfish...but it's not like I don't take in everything I do. And what others do. And from that my rules are conceived...the very things that govern the physical and mental stirrings inside and outside of me.

To doubt or guide or leash these is to make the consequence of my own actions that much more hurting and hard. I don't want a crutch. I don't want an open door.

I just want the truth. Or, if there is no truth, then I want nothing.

All you as parents can do is show me that door and build that crutch into me. I am the one that must open it.

And gagging me with a large, damp towel, placing handcuffs to my already chained arms, and hitting me downward in the endless downward spiral of life is only making it harder for me to cope. Harder for me to see the reasons.

You cannot throw me into the door. You cannot open it for me.

I am the one that must open it.
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