Saturday, February 14, 2004

The Pig of the Machine (The Desolate Shatter and the Open Plain)

Me and mommy were in the kitchen. I like the kitchen it's a beautiful place. I can sit there and me and mommy will talk about things and I can ask her many questions. Me and mommy at this time were eating our breakfast. We did it every day.

Mommy had her newspaper in her hand. I read the heading and it was about how we had dropped the second bomb on Japan and the war was ending. Mommy said she was glad about it but she said it was bad. I asked her why it was bad but she said it's not something a kid should know. I wanted to know but mommy wouldn't tell me. I moved my spoon around in my cereal and looked in my bowl. It was white and had the cereal in it. I still wanted to know but mommy wouldn't tell me. I wished mommy would to me.

Mommy was eating her usual. It was toast with jelly and butter and the paper was set down as she ate a piece. I asked her if it tasted good and she said yes and I said that's good. And then I told her my cereal was good and took in some bites. When I looked back up she was reading the paper again. It moved and made little noises. I stood up from my table and told mommy I was going to watch some cartoons. She said there wouldn't be any cartoons on and that I had school soon. I said okay and I went in the living room and turned on the TV.

It was on the news. They showed a picture of a big explosion. It was big. There was a big cloud of it and I thought it looked like a mushroom. I didn't know what it was but I knew that it was a bomb and that it had ended the war. Mommy was glad about it but she hadn't told me why. The news lady with blonde hair was going on and on about something about unconditional something and she was saying she was glad the war was over. I guess I was too. But I'd always liked the war and I thought it would be cool to be in one.

I had army men they were made of plastic. I would play war with them it was fun. I would always make General Ulysses the leader of the green side and General Eisenhower on the tan side. Then I'd have them do war and it was always so much fun. General Ulysses was always the winner because he was better than them all. He was the most strong and could stand up to anything that came up to him. He couldn't be killed ever and he was powerful. Around him the greens would feel glad and they'd always win. But not without some dying but it turned out good in the end. The tans lost. I can't remember any time the tans had won. They were just not as good as General Ulysses. He was better than them all and would never lose. It was fun to play war. I even had paratroopers and they'd come down and land and it was great. I like the way they fall.

When I was sitting there thinking about how fun war was mommy said it was almost time to go. I told her okay and I went through the channels. It seemed every channel had the same thing on it and it was with the big explosion looking like a mushroom. I decided maybe mommy was right and there was nothing on the TV so I went back in the kitchen. Mommy told me I should get my coat on and I did it. I put it on and it felt nice and warm.

We got in the car and mommy started the engine. She kept saying she was glad the war was over but she said it had been a bad war. I asked her why it had been bad again and she said a boy shouldn't know that so I gave up. We backed out of the garage and went outside. Then we were going and she was taking me to school. Then mommy would go to work. Mommy worked at a sewing shop she made clothes. She was a good sewer and she had sewed me many things. I wished I could sew like mommy. Then I'd be able to make her even more proud. But mommy was proud of me I knew she told me it many days. It always made me smile I was glad to make her proud.

I was looking out the window watching the cars pass by just thinking. Over there there was a car passing by and there were shops and places where you buy things and it was all passing too fast and I couldn't see it. I was thinking about what I would learn in school today. I hoped it was about the war and how it had ended and why it was good but it was bad too. I wanted to know and maybe they would tell me it there.

Then all the sudden there was a bump and then it was all flying. I heard my mommy scream and it made me scared more scared than I've ever been and I started crying. I didn't know what was going it was all over and it was all over. And then I went black and I couldn't see anymore but I was still awake somehow and I didn't know how.

Me and mommy were in an open field and it was bare and didn't have anything. There was only the ground and the sky and there was nothing else it was all bare. Mommy was holding my hand and she was staring ahead and I was crying. I asked mommy what had happened and she said nothing and didn't even move. I was so scared and I wanted to just run but mommy's hand was on me. I couldn't run then I wouldn't have her hand on me and then maybe I'd be even more scared.

I sat there and sat there and then it was getting night. The sun was going down and it was a big circle and it was fire. I watched as it slowly all darkened and I wondered where I was and I was still crying but mommy's hand was still on me and so I was doing okay. Then I just lay there and I wondered where I was and I wanted to know but mommy wouldn't tell me when I asked her she only stared ahead and her eyes were not moving. I was telling myself I was okay but I really wasn't I felt like I was going to just run or I was going to die or anything I didn't know. I was scared and that was all I knew and I didn't know what was going to happen.

Then there was a man in the distance I could see him coming it was his eyes. They were burning eyes and I swear they were there in the distance. And it was so scary I put my arms around mommy and held her close and I tried to make the man with the eyes go away but I couldn't. And mommy didn't do anything she only stared ahead and didn't say anything to me and didn't move. Mommy I cried and I cried and my tears fell on her I was still crying. She wouldn't answer my voice was going hoarse from all my screaming and I didn't know how much longer I could take it. The man was getting closer and closer and his eyes were glowing in the dark like the stars I had on my ceiling. I felt like something was going to happen and it was going to be bad and I didn't know what.

I wanted the man to get here already and do what he was going to do and do it. I was sick of being afraid I didn't like it at all. I didn't want to be afraid but there was nothing I could do. Mommy was what was scaring me the most she wasn't doing anything. She wasn't doing anything at all and she usually did all the time. Mommy I still was crying and I was asking her what was wrong but she wouldn't tell me. She was only staring ahead and I wondered what was wrong with her and I wished I could help her. There was nothing I could do I grabbed her face but it did nothing she only stared ahead. Her eyes they were scaring me and she was scaring and the man was coming. He was getting closer and I was shivering and I was so cold and I was so afraid.

It took the man so long to get there but when he got there he was there. And he looked at me and I was scared and I looked at him. He was tall so tall he was taller than the sky and his face was everywhere. I could see his eyes but they were many eyes and they glew and they were scary. The eyes were evil and they had bad in them and I wanted to run. I wanted to run so bad but I couldn't run there was no where to go and if I left mommy something might happen to her.

You stupid child the man said and I said yes I was a stupid child and I asked him to leave me alone. He said no it was time to make me a man it was time to kill me. I asked him what he meant why was he going to kill me but he wouldn't say. He only said it was time to die it was time for me to be a man. I asked him what was wrong with mommy he said she couldn't help me. He said she wasn't going to do anything for me now. It was too late he said and he said I was going to die.

I asked him what it was to die. And he said I should know and I said I did but I didn't understand it. He called me a stupid child again and stared me down with all his eyes. He was so tall and it was so scary. I wanted to run away again but I couldn't run away that would be bad.

He started calling me bad words that mommy said were bad and he said it was almost time. He said it was time to slaughter me like a little pig and like I was a little maggot. I asked him what a maggot was and he said it was me and then I asked him why I was a pig and he said because I was. I told him that wasn't an answer but I gave up and shivered when he said stop asking so many questions. I was so scared and I was getting more scareder by the second. I didn't know what was going to happen all I knew was I was going to die whatever that was. I guessed it was better to die than face this man. Or this monster whatever it was I didn't know.

It looked like a man but it looked like a machine too. Like a TV or my video games I played. He looked like he was both a man and a machine but wasn't all at once. I wondered what he was and I asked him and he said he was what I wanted him to be. I asked him what it was I wanted to be and he said that's for me to know. I asked him what it was for me to know and he said in big anger that it was enough with the questions already you stupid maggot. I said maggot sounded like a evil word and he said it was much more than that that it was that and more. He said something about maintain the status quo or something I didn't know what he was saying. I was too scared and I didn't know what he was talking about. I asked him in my shivering voice what the status quo or whatever it was was and he told me to shut up already you insolent little twerp.

That was when the sun started rising. We had argued all night and I had asked him questions. Mommy was still only looking ahead and it was like she was looking right at the man with the glowing eyes all over him. Her hand was still on me she had held my hand all night. I was thankful for it but I wished mommy would snap out of it. It was scaring me and I was really scared of this man and I was scared that she wasn't moving. I didn't know what was going and I thought soon I was going to find out.

Suddenly the monster man came down and he started beating me. The pain hurt it was all over me but it didn't hurt at the same time. It was strange and I wondered what was going on. Soon I was bleeding all over and there was sores on me and I was all crackled and I was wounded like in war like Ulysses never could have happened to him. The monster said to me it's time for the stupid child to die he doesn't need to live anymore. I only sat there and was being beaten and it hurt so much but it didn't hurt at the same time. It was so strange and eventually I was beaten down and my skin fell off and my muscles were coming off and suddenly I was falling apart. I was only a skeleton and I can't describe it it's too ugly but I still felt like me. And suddenly the monster took my bones and he ate me. And I was in his stomach.

In his stomach there was blood everywhere. Then I saw there was a chalkboard in the corner of his stomach and on the chalkboard it said pig. And then beside pig there was a hole in the chalkboard. I went through the hole shivering and I was only bones but I still felt like me. Inside the chalkboard I tumbled down and it was blackness. Then there was a man's hand and it grabbed me and he said hush child it'll be all right. Then the man was touching me all over and it made me afraid more than ever. He wasn't touching me in love but it was in a strange way that I didn't like and mommy had always told me to stay away from strangers.

Then the man started going up and down on me and then there was something touching me and I thought it didn't feel right. I looked down and I saw he was doing the bad thing to me. But I only could stand there and I felt like bones I didn't know if I was bones but I felt like it. I didn't feel any pain and it felt like nothing but I could tell I was feeling like I was in cold. It felt like cold on me when it was all over my hands.

The man going up and down on me made a moan and I looked in his eyes and I saw me in those eyes but it was him I was seeing. He said I was being born and I was being raped into existence and forced but I didn't know what he meant. He said it was time to grow up boy you've had enough of your piglet years. All I could do was stare and be frozen and scared and feel like I was out in cold like it was freezing me. I asked him what he meant but he didn't say anything and I wasn't looking in his eyes anymore I was seeing through his eyes. And I was in his body. It felt weird and strange.

I was out in the fields again and my mommy was lying there and I wanted to hug her and I wanted to get out of this place. I knew it was only a dream but I didn't know anymore. I looked at my hands and they were big and then I looked at my feet and they were bigger too and I wondered what had happened. That was when I looked over beside mommy and I saw me all bloody and then there was a big worm looking thing there and it was eating mommy and me and it was eating the ground and the sky and the air and everything. It was eating it all and the worm thing was changing it was growing wings and it was growing two eyes that were black and strange. And then I knew what it was it was a fly. I'd see those around the house they were pests.

The monster was still above me and I tried to ask him what was going on but I made a buzz sound and then I looked down and I was a fly and I had wings. There were other worm things everywhere and they were eating everything they were eating it away. And then it was all eaten and the monster too. They were all changing into flies and flying away and they buzzed with me. Buzz buzz they said and I buzzed with them.

The maggots I thought and that was when I woke up. Mommy was beside me her head was bleeding and her leg looked broken. But she was alive and she was screaming but it was a low scream. She had been screaming for a long time and it was dying in her. I knew what had happened then. We had crashed and it had been a bad one. I was still stuck in the car seat and I tried to move and it hurt but I could do it. Mommy was yelling and I told her it was okay I was okay but I asked her if she was okay and then she didn't answer. Her scream had died in her. She was dead wasn't she I knew it. It was just like the war only the best survived and all the rest died. I cried and one tear fell on my hand and it was wet.

I got out of the car and then I looked around. It looked almost like the plain only there were scatters of things everywhere. It looked all dead. And I wondered what had happened and suddenly far away in the distance I saw a big mushroom. It looked like a big mushroom and the ground shook and I knew it was a big explosion. It had been a big explosion. I looked at my hands and I saw they were hurt but good. I looked back at the car and I saw mommy wasn't going to come out was she and I cried some more. This shouldn't have been happening to me why was it happening and I didn't understand. Why had there been the big explosions I didn't understand. The big mushroom slowly went away and then I was left there and there was nothing.

I lied down on the ground I felt so tired and I felt so sad. Mommy was dead they were all dead. Someone had bombed us and I didn't know who but it was bad. I closed my eyes.

I opened my eyes and I was lying in bed but something in me felt changed. I didn't feel the same. I got up out of my room and I was crying and shaking and then I walked into the kitchen. Mommy was there and she was alive and then suddenly she wasn't there. There was a big explosion and I was sure it was the mushroom cloud again. I saw it all in slow motion. I saw her blood and guts and it was gross. I saw it all slowly go away and become nothing and I saw her die. And I shut my eyes I didn't want to see it.

I opened my eyes and there was a pig there. He snorted at me and I snorted at him. And we were pigs and I snorted back and he snorted to me we were talking. He said they were going to kill them. He said holocaust and I didn't understand. He said genocide and I didn't understand. He said it was time to die.

We were brought into a farmhouse and the man's eyes glew and he said it was time to grow up. I asked him what me meant but it only came out in snorts and he said shut up you fucking pig. I said the f-word was a bad thing to say but it only snorted out of me I was a pig I couldn't talk. He said quiet again and I was quiet.

In the farmhouse there were sharp blades and things swinging everywhere. And there were dead pigs' bodies all around and it smelled terrible. It smelled so strong it made me want to barf but I only snorted. There was blood everywhere and it was drying and some of it looked like it was disappearing. The blades made swoosh noises and it was scary but I only snorted some more. The man with the glewing eyes said he was going to kill me first I was such a loud fucking pig. The f-word was bad I said it was bad but it only came out in a weak snort. I didn't want to snort anymore I knew it was bad. The pig beside me was quiet the whole way.

The farmer pulled out a shotgun and the barrel stared me in the face and I looked back at it. It was big and scary and deep inside it I could only see blackness and it was dark. He pulled the trigger there was a bang it was all in slow motion. I saw the little pieces of it hit me and tear into me and I saw it all go in me and then I was dead. And I shut my eyes before I died.

I opened my eyes again and I was crying right away when I opened them. Where was I this time I thought and how much longer was this going to happen.

I was in the car again we were driving mommy was looking at the road and I was looking outside. The passing stores and shops went by and were going too fast for me to see them. Some cars were passing by. I was here again but why I didn't understand.

Then it all shook again. And then there was the blackness again and I opened my eyes. I was in the car again but this time the outside was different. I could read the signs. One said whores all night right here. Another said welcome to hell. Another one said time to grow up stupid kid. Another one said apply inside for a job and get it. It all flew by a million things I only read what I could and I didn't understand what any of them meant. What was going on I didn't know.

I looked over at my mom and she was older and she was gray. Her leg was broken she said to me and she couldn't walk anymore. I asked her why she was older and I cried and I wondered when it was going to end and I wondered what was happening. Mommy said nothing after that she only looked ahead and I was reminded of the man in the open fields with all his eyes and mommy's hand on me. Her eyes looked dead and I turned back to the window.

We kept going forever. The signs passed me by. Welcome to hell on said and another said time to grow up and another said something about taxes. I didn't understand what was going on.

We kept driving and driving and mommy was quiet. And I started to get more scared and more scared. I asked mommy what was going on but she didn't say anything she only looked ahead. Then there was something in me that wanted to open the door and go outside and stop driving. I tried to fight it but it won. I opened the door and fell out and I found out we had been going fast and I fell right on my head and cracked it open but I shut my eyes as it happened. I didn't want to see the blood and my brains coming out it would look bad and I didn't want to see it.

My eyes opened again and I was breathing heavily. I was hooked up to a machine and the machine said to me it was society. And I asked it what it meant but it didn't answer. It said it was everything and everyone and that it made things work. I asked it why I was breathing so heavily if it made things work. It said that I was broken and that I wasn't accepting society. I told it that I'd do anything it wanted as long as it let me live and made me fixed. It said okay and then it reached in me with metal fingers. The fingers hurt me and were cold and felt like coldness when I was out in it too long. And it grabbed out my heart and tore it and it was beating thud thud and it said it would need this if I was going to live and be fixed. I said okay but I realized I was dying even though I was alive. Without my heart I was dying and it didn't feel good. I was having trouble. I shut my eyes again and told society that I didn't like it and that I wanted my mommy. It laughed at me and said I was such a stupid kid and I was naive and I had a lot to learn.

I opened my eyes for the last time and I realized where I was. I got up from the chair. I looked around and then there was mommy. She said it's okay I know you're suffering from your psychological disease. I asked her what it meant but she said nothing and I saw she was hooked up to a machine. I said it was society and she stared at me and said I was talking nonsense. I told her it was okay I probably was. She said she was dying and I cried and I saw that she was hooked up to a tank. It said oxygen on it. I said it should say society there but she said hush now. I asked her if I needed to grow up and she said I already had but not inside. I said I didn't want to grow up and she said that was fine.

She told me to tell her a story before she died. She said I was a genius at telling stories and that I had a way with them even if they were violent. I asked her what she meant but she didn't answer. I told her about the war and I asked her again what it was about.

She put her old hand on me and said I didn't need to know and I asked her why. She said a kid like me didn't need to know. I said I wasn't a kid it was a long time since then. She said oh you're still a kid you'll always be one and then her eyes were leaving. I said I didn't know what I would do without her and she said she didn't know what she would do without me. And then she was gone and I cried. And I cried again and I cried again.

Then the men came in and I knew who they were. They wrapped me in a jacket but it was straight and I fought and I didn't want to leave my mommy but they said I had to. They said it was time to go. I asked them where they were taking me and they said they were taking me to the funny farm. I asked if the funny farm was where they killed pigs and they said no and said I was crazy. I decided to not say anything else and they took me away. They said they were going to analyze me and understand me and they were going to try and cure me. I said I didn't want to grow up and I started screaming and crying and all I could think of was my mommy and how she was dead. She was dead and I didn't know what I was going to do and I wanted to just be with her and have her for myself the rest of my life. I started screaming I wanted my mommy and then they tried to give me a shot. I fought and they said calm down this won't hurt and I said yet it will and I said I want my mommy. Then they gave me the shot even though I was fighting. They missed many times and then they finally got it and then I started feeling tired and I mumbled and mumbled and I said I didn't want to leave my mommy. I didn't want to leave her I didn't want to see her gone.

Then I went to a nice sleep and it felt good to sleep. There were no dreams none of it and if there were they were sweet dreams that didn't feel so real and didn't feel so sad. And in the dreams I saw my mommy over and over again and I never awoke from the dreams for a long time.

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