Friday, September 19, 2003

Time to feed the monster I don't need another friend.

All this week I have not gone anywhere nearly, except for last night, when I went to the movie night thing.

Every single day my Dad has either been out drinking with his alcoholic friend George or has been going golfing. This is a change, because he usually stays home mostly.

So all this week I have not gone anywhere since this forces me to watch my brother for whatever reason. The kid is eleven, I do not see why the hell I should have to sit here and watch him when I could be out doing whatever. It's not that I really do anything, I guess. It's just pissing me off and hurting me for reasons I even don't understand.

I wouldn't say it's been like this all week..but three out of five days I've been watching him.

Where's my Mom? She's working at this new job she got where she watches teenagers that are in this home thing for being troubled or whatever. The job seems really stressful from what I have heard, and she seems equally stressed from it. Yet I can't do crap. I basically have no communication with her, and no communication with my Dad.

Talking to my Dad is like talking to some one-bricked, unhearing wall of nothing. I'll sit here and try and explain why I do this or that, or what I don't do this or that, or why he should understand me, yet it never ever gets through his skull.

Every single day he comes into my room, which is usually a mess, and bitches at me to clean it up. I've pretty much tuned it out, but it eats at me. I don't see what the big deal is. Having a clean room has nothing to do with anything...some of the best geniuses in my opinion or messy people, and I am just a mess person that doesn't care what things look like materially in mosty circumstances.

Yet it doesn't fail--he'll come in, bitch at me, I'll pick it up sometimes. Yet lately I haven't been, this week especially. I've been extremely busy. Especially the earlier part of this week. And then having to deal with my brother and crap too...you know how it gets. That one night alone I had like five something hours of homework which I got all done, and didn't get to sleep until pretty late.

And I try to explain this to my Dad, and that I need to leave and do something to get my mind away from this. Then I tell him that I have been watching Kellan for him. All he says is, "You don't watch him."

If I don't watch him then why am I having to be here then? "In case something happens," is the answer. And what is going to happen? Nothing that I could really stop. The kid doesn't even listen to me when I talk to him. He goes against anything I say, and fires things to my parents to get me in trouble like daily.

I mean, today for example. He wanted me to take him to Quizno's to get a sub. I told him it would be too expensive, because I knew he'd want to get like the 9 dollar value meal which I didn't have enough money for. So then he calls up my Dad. And this never fails--he always gets his way from my Dad in most cases, and I can't do jack.

I'm manipulated like some rag doll full of moths eating away at me. So I of course had to take him to Quizno's, when we get there, he asked for the biggest one. I told him no. And I had to keep saying that until he got it.

Then another example. I decided I was going to finally touch some of the money I have left from KFC--like 100 dollars. So I withdreqw a twenty, and I decided I felt like driving up to the mall and buying some new CDs.

So I tell my brother and try to get him to come, and he doesn't want to come. I tell him I'm going, make sure he's going to be okay about it, he said he'd be fine. I come home after buying my CDs like forty-five minutes later to hear the phone ringing.

I pick it up and I am bitched at by my Dad for leaving Kellan alone. And I'm still trying to see the big deal. I've been sitting here at home all week mostly, I go out for less than an hour, tell my brother exactly what I'm doing, tell him not to do anything stupid, yet I still get fucked for it.

Then when my Dad came home just a bit ago, I was bitched at of course to clean up my room, and bitched at four times or so for leaving my brother alone.

This time it hurt more for whatever reason. I think I'm just getting sick of it. I don't even understand the reason I have to clean my room every day...it isn't even a big deal. I'm just not that type of person that is all clean and organized inwardly. I could care less if my room was a mess...does it make a difference to me? No. Yet I'm forced to do it.

Plus my parents still treat me like I'm some ignorant little kid. Everything I do they have to know about. I got to a movie, like last night, I have to tell them who I'm going with. I usually try to not tell them, I don't want them to know. What should it matter anyways?

My Dad always says that this should be the best time of my life. He tells me that I have it so easily, and that his job is so rough whenever I tell him that I'm busy and I have a life. He also says that I should be going to all the football games at my school and hanging out with some chicks.

And then when his friend George comes over they give me this whole speech about how that should be so. That I should be getting a girl. My Dad even laughs, saying that when he was in 7th grade, that was when he first got kissed. And I really could care less.

I don't want to go to football games and things of the sort. First off, I totally hate sports. I find them useless to me--I suck at them, and thus I stay the hell away from them. My Dad overrides this by saying you don't go for the game, you go for the girls.

If I wanted a girl then I'd chase one, or try to get them to go out with them obviously. So obviously I could care less. I'm too young to be in love in my opinion...I don't see a reason to just jump into something that will most likely hurt me more than patch me. Plus I have my whole life ahead of me.

My parents are just too concerned with me in general...not that it's bad, it just annoys me. I see my other friends sitting on the internet as long as they please, I see them going out until like 1 in the morning, I see them not getting bitched at as much as I do. And when it comes down to it...it's not fair. I mean, I consider myself able to keep things straight myself. I don't need to be harped at at how I should live. I'm getting too old for it.

My Dad often sits here and tells me I'm selfish, lazy, immature. I feel like just running out of the room, escaping away from his saying this all the time. I don't need to be told this crap. When I look at him, I say being as one-sided and ununderstading as he is, he's the selfish one. I mean in comparison to me, my brother gets treated like some prince.

The kid never gets in trouble for shit. He eats a candy bar that I bought with my own money in my room, he sits on his video game like all day. He steals my candy, he walks into my room demanding things, he bends my Dad to get his way. It's just getting old already. And when I tell my Dad that he did this or that, and that he should do this or that to him, I get bitched at as Kellan screams at me as well.

It's just not fair. I might be jealous, I might be whatever. But really, the way my Brother is now definitely has its root in how my parents deal with him. He gets away with too much.

I rememeber when I lived in Utah that he spray painted our garage, set out house on fire, pooped on the sidewalk, and other stupid such things. He was younger then, so I can see that, but spray painting our garage? That's like crazy.

And yet he didn't even get in trouble for all those things I listed above. My parents didn't even force him to sit there and scrub away all the crap on the garage with his own hands. They just let him not get in any trouble at all.

Not that I don't do stupid things...but seriously. It just annoys me for some reason. The kid acts like he's the boss of everything, and he uses my Dad to get everything.

He even managed to get them to let him get Grand Theft Auto Vice City. That game's rated mature, and they took away his old Copy of GTA III like ages ago. Then suddenly, when we went on our trip up to Fargo, he sat there and whined and whined about buying Vice City, and then they just let him have it.

Now he's so obsessed with the game, which isn't good at all. It's all he talks about. He would play it for like days on end. Then my parents finally took it away--mostly because of my Mom.

My Mom doesn't do much of anything in our house rules-wise. It's mainly my Dad...but when she does tell me to do something, I'm a lot more inclined to listen to her. Her room is always messy...does that make her a bad person? No.

My Dad constantly patronizes her about always going out with her friends, and always does these same stupid things when he's give these same situations.

My Dad gets all pissed because she's going out with her friends. He tells her not to go. Then she bitches back. Then he says fine, go. Then she says she's not going.

It goes like that always...in most cases of anything. My Mom doesn't go just to get back at him. And still he does the same thing, complains when she goes out.

Then whenever we actually go to eat as a family, and she's all depressed, my Dad always asks what is wrong. And he never seems to have a clue, whereas I actually can somewhat understand.

Last time it was from her job, I could just tell. I said it right aloud so my Dad could hear, and yet he doesn't even know how to help her out. They are just so different people...I am surprised this marriage has lasted so long personally. Not that I want it to end, but the crap that equally they put up from one another is amazing.

My Dad's like his mid fifties. My Mom's 37. See the difference in age? And my Mom still acts so much like a 20 year old. She gets depressed often it seems, is really moody, is really quiet. She even hangs out and drinks with friends of hers that are like twenty. It annoys me somewhat, but I understand on one hand I guess. I'm not going to tell her what's wrong or right, that's her choice.

The main thing is that nothing ever changes. My Mom is always never around most of the time...and when I bring up the stuff with my Dad to her, she only pushes me away. And yet she doesn't understand she's part of the family and needs to be there to keep it all together and fix it too.

Really, I don't even know my parents and they don't even know me. I'd like to keep it that way. Yet they try any way they can do change that. They put that program on this computer that showed every single thing I did on the net--AIM convos, anything. I think they've stopped checking that though.

Parental controls too. Always knowing where I'm going, always trying to keep me straight and stuff.

What bothers me the most is they still seem to think I need to find a job. Really, I don't have time. Newspaper has me loaded with stuff, plus my other homework, plus it would be stressfull. I'm sure it'd be possible, but I'd go insane from it. I barely have time to do stuff as it is I'm so lazy.
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