Monday, March 15, 2004

Everything in Its Right Place

Today for lunch was eggrolls. I just didn't feel like eating eggrolls so I saw what they had in a la carte. Cheeseburgers, fries. I didn't want that, either.

It's like this for lunch each week. They seem to always start Monday off with eggrolls in hot lunch; the things in a la carte vary though.

I feel a sense of tired sadness at the moment. I guess it carried over from last night. Who knows. I just feel sort of solemn.

At this point I am sick of OB and finding the internet to be boring. Yet I still come here for whatever reason. I was talking to Tony about this on a small level yesterday (since he's busy on his computer whenever he's on). He says OB is boring too.

I don't mean to say OB is lame in some demeaning sense. I just mean to say that lately it hasn't been anything at all to me. I find myself more and more going through the threads in Otaku Lounge and finding myself just not wanting to say my opinion at all. I mean, why even say my opinions when others have their own ways with things? Why not just sit here and keep myself to myself, and let the others be to themselves, too?

I said I don't see the point of debates anymore. . .now it's gone to I don't see the point of posting on OB anymore mostly. Period.

I'm sure many of you have noticed that I rarely have been posting there. I'm not sure, but I of course know that I have not been posting there. And it's for the reason mentioned above: I just do not see the point.

I think OB's time in my life cycle is about over. Every time I step into Otaku Lounge, and look at the threads, I look at each thread and think, I've already seen a thread somewhere like this one before, so why even post in there? I mean, my opinion doesn't matter to anyone but myself and maybe a few others. And you know what, I think this voice is right.

The only reason I say my opinions in here, or I post in here, is because this is my place--this is where I come to write things down and try to sort through this mess I have in my life at the moment. I try to sort it out by writing something down, or getting my feelings down. But it isn't helping. What I need to do is take action, real action. Such as: go out and get a job already. Such as: figure out what I want to do when I go to college. Such as: plan for my future. Such as: just quit complaining about things and instead do the things I am moaning about. Such as: try harder at things, try to understand things I'm being taught in school more, so I can make it easier.

So this is my place I come to. Maybe you've gotten to know me by coming here, maybe you haven't. The truth is I don't know myself. And thereby, I cannot show you who I am, since I do not know who I am. And I don't think I want to find my identity as it is. I want it to find me.

OB v7 isn't what's changed my views on OB. I've been thinking this for a while. OB isn't much different than it was way back in v6 when I first joined over a year ago. It's the same in a lot of ways. The only difference with v7 and v6 is that v7 is an entire revamp of OB; it gives OB more makeup to wear, and more is being added as we go along. Makeup in the form of extra features (which, honestly, I haven't even used; I'm too set on my stubborn tenacity of the way things were v6), makeup in the form of new graphics and new skins, and a new setup.

I'm sure most of, some of, you don't know what I'm talking about with losing interest in OB. But I'm sure many of you do. Whatever the case, one day I think you'll feel this way too.

It gets to the point on OB where you just don't care. You've seen every thread you can possibly imagine in the threads you visit, the forum you visit. And the forum where I visit most often was, used to be, Otaku Lounge.

I'm sure some of you will remember I was once a mod there. Yes, those were the good old days.

I'm not even a mod anylonger; I've gladly gotten rid of it, and now Lady Asphyxia is the mod of the Poetry/ Fan Fiction forum, where I once modded.

But, I was glad to be there for OB while I could.

About the only thing that matters to me about OB anymore is the people I've met. And even then, I'm getting sick of the limiting aspects of Instant Messaging, as well as getting sick of missing some of those members who get their internet taken away (Ahem, Erin).

I just find the internet boring. The main reason I like the internet is it passes time. It allows me to sit there and do nothing and act like I have a reason for doing that.

I wonder why I even say anything anymore. I end up thinking I sound like an idiot. From posting to Mimmi's My O, to the inane things I've done in the past with Alex. Although it was both of us, Alex and I, doing that, I'd say I was always the driving force behind it. Most of the time I looked upon it as a joke.

I look upon a lot of things as a joke, though. I'm just not a serious guy. I'm more laid back and quiet than anything usually, at least in reality. The internet allows you to be different though.

I thought I had something more to say. I can't remember what I was going to say though.

I'd just like to say that I have been in much better moods lately. I believe I've finally conquered the essence of me that is the "dark" or "depressed side." Otherwise known as "angsty side." But I still have it, and it's in me right now.

Lately, I've been pretty lonely. Although I'd rather stay off the track of this, I guess I might as well mention it. I am an honest man, and in this place it's mostly me talking to myself. And if I can't be honest with myself, I think there's something quite wrong.

Often, I feel the need to just cuddle with someone or something. Since there is no one to do this with, I end up just lying in my bed, alone of course. But it works out fine.

I've been taught since I was young that it's all about you. You need to learn to sustain yourself and entertain yourself. You need to understand yourself. You need to keep to yourself, be polite, and be respectable to others. You need all you need in you. Self-assurance comes from you. Self-doubt comes from you. Everything is you, and you need to keep you to you, and think more about others than you if you can. That is the best thing to do.

Self-sustain. Survive by yourself. That is what I have been taught, in some essence, since I was younger. And here I am now.

I'm sick of typing in here. I should go do my Latin homework. Then it's off to Chemistry.

There is no reason to complain. There is reason to accept, though.

Austin Fay, the staff artist for our newspaper, gave me Radiohead's Kid A on a disk today. I'm listening to it right now.

I love Radiohead.
Comments (1)