Saturday, March 20, 2004

Oystermyer wants you, Charles.

Dear Charles,

My name is Mr. Oystermyer. I like oysters. Give me oysters, mothafucka. And don't you fuggetabout givinen up me some of them salmans. I like my salmans sear fried, and I like em with a lot of that white sauce that's especially good shit for the mind.

Charles, I was just looken over the internet last night and I stumbled ta yer site and I was all amazed and crap. It was like fucken comin upon a big bust of oysters ther in the sea and I just couldn't believe what I'd found. It was the motherfucken big shit.

I'm usually just out on the sea minden my own buisness--shit like that. But shit like that never works. I put my net in the wata and I wait fer them damned oysters to come in, cause you know I'm ostermyer afterall. But no, them damn oysters they right up fucken hate me I just don't git it at all. I tell myself, "Fuggetabout it, Osyter, ain't nothing bad," and so I just tell myself to carryon and it'll all be fine and shit. But shit never is fine.

I was in my cabin, ya see. I have a yacht, it's a very nice yacht. Perfect fer getten oysters if ya know what I mean.

It was rainen mighty fucken hard and so I went on inside ther in my cabin. I could hear the drizzlen rain comen down like a fucking whore's orgasm. It was all comen down like a fucken shit. I couldn'ta liked it if I was fucken Geoerge Bushe, hiden in the the fucken hairy bushes. Fucken-a, no I couldn'ta been. So ther I went in my cabin and it was fucken prime. I was fucken relaxen.

I have dis lapflop, it's a very expensive one and it's got a lot of porn on it. Ya see, I like my porn it's good shit for the mind, specially when you're bored. When I'm fucken bored I like to get hung like a fucken gallant horse with fucken four spreading legs and a fucken head like a fucken hard rock from the deepest reaches of the burnen earth hell. I put on my sattle, and shit, I just ride till the fucken day's end, cause I can't get no goddamned oysters. Osyters are the fucken dumbassest creatures I ever seen. Fucken shells and they never get in my net and shit. It's just ain't good.

So ther I was, lapflop open, an I was just looken at some porn. Good ol porn and it was good on the eyes. Suddenly I wasn't in no goddamned shitass cabin anymore, I was fucken lost and I was just jerken it off hard and long. I was like a fighterplane in some World War there was. I was a spyplane and I was fucken seein it all, an no one else knew. I could undress them on the laflop and they didn't know at all. An I could have them as mine and they was only mine.

Bout this time, I hear this loud noise flipperdonger from my computer. Says somethin bout crazy whale boy or sumthin. I had no fucken clue. Then suddenly there opened this internetsplorer window on my computer and I stopped jerken off and lookes at what I'm seein. It says somethin bout Charles. I thought to myself Charles was a nice name. I wondered what in fuck's sake was goen on and I checks it out.

Looks like dis was the site of some fucken whale boy is what I saw. I scrolled through them entries. There was one proclaiming the death of crazy whale boy, an there was this guy names Bitch who kept saying he wouldn't ever let that whale boy die.

I was pretty fucken sure poachers'd killed the fucken crazy whale boy. Must've been some mutantfreakfuckface an must've deserved to get the shit shot out a-him far as I'm concerned. I thought to myself this Bitch assbunch was some fucken animal rights tit and I said to myself I was probably right as hell. If I weren't jus sitten here jerken off I told myself I'd punch that fucka's lights out. But I told myself to just fergetaboutit. It warn't no problem and so I wasn't gonna worry bout some fuckerface animal rights slut. I was fucken glad dis crazy whale boy was gone and done in. Sounded like he desreved it like a fucken asseted woman needs to be fucked right away, soon as fucken possible. I'm sure ya agree with my Charles, I'm sure as fucken Jesus Christ was a fucken Jew.

I lef this stupid Bitch asshole's remarks and scroll on up. All the while I'm fucken hung high as a kite in the air stuck there and unable to do shit. But it felt so fucken good I couldn't just believe it.

Then there was dis post bout senden Charles some letter er somethin. I looks round more then suddenly there was nother loud noise. This one sounded like some lust cry driven out of nowheres. I jumped up in a fear, then there was this picture an I looks at it. It says dis here is Charles Laughlin and I look at it.

I see dis perfect man in every way an I just drool on myself. Oysters was the fucken last thing on my mind. Charles you're one fucken stoked mothafucka. I wants me a piece of that ass.

I ain't sure where you hung on sexen, but I know that I'm bisexuel. I like them both. I like the guy an I like the woman too. But when I looks at you on this image that appeared on my screen, I knew you was watchin me. You was searchin me out--you was tryin to turn dis Oystermyer to somethen better. Tryen to turn me inta yer lova since I can't get no oysters to give me my love an the big bucks. I just knew it and I couldn't help myself.

I jerked it off to your picture. It was the bestest jerken I ever done and I was just happy as a fucken smiley face that was yellow as piss and had that big grin cross its face. Then I clicks out of yer picture and I goes to yer site again.

I looks at the letter thing and I knew you was tryen to have me e-mail you. I knew I just had to do it and that my life was gonna be better cause of you. I was wonderin what I'd do with my yacht then. I promised I'd sell the fucken thing and get you a specal ring you can wear ta always remember me.

Charles I seen you live in New Jersey. That's where I lives to, and I live out on de river New Jersey. It's a nice river and I was wonderin if you'd come up here and we can go from there. I can get a nice dinner all set up fer us. I can get some nice candles and we can kiss beside the ocean, all lone if that's where we go and shit. I'd love that, fucken love it.

I ain't had a good life Charles. My dad he fucken killen himself when I was just a boy aged five years. I was fucken devestated then but I didn't know why. I was just wonderin where my daddy went an I have been ever since den.

I ain't the best looken man you ever seen but I got a good heart. I like oysters and I've made my life by catchen the little fuckers. An my heart's just fucken ready fer love and I can tell yer fucken heart's ready fer love too.

So heres I am. Typen dis fucken letter. It's two days since you been trynig to track me out. An I'm just ready to be in yet fucken arms.

So I was sayen I could come up in my little golf cart I got for a car and I could pick you up. I was wonderin what yer address is so we can get hooken up.

Charles yer always on my mind now an I can never ferget you. If you don't let me be yer man I think I'll just fucken drown myself in the ocean with them fucken oyster fuckefaces. I dun't know what I'll do without you. I ain't got the stomach to know and I don't ever want to leave yer side once we're side one nother.

What's yer answer? If it's fugetaboutit then I dun't know what to say. If that's yer answer I'm in deep shit an I gotta wonder where I went wrong.

Dis took a long time to type out you know. I fucken think it should be nough don't you? I'm thinken so.

Sincarley,

Vanley Dan Osystermyer

PS: I git you some oysters an give you sum when I pick you up.

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