Monday, March 22, 2004

The Death of Me.

Got my Geometry test back.

I'm so very fucked.

24/100 on the test. Dropped my grade ten percent. I now am failing with a graceful F+ by way of 59%. And that's if the teacher rounds up.

And the only one to blame is me. I hate myself at this moment. I just don't want to exist.

On another hand, I just don't care. I want to give up. I want everything to die and I see no reason to keep on trying, keep on trying, and not get anything in the process of doing that. It seems useless. I seem useless. The world would do fine if I did not exist. I do nothing for it and it does nothing for me. The world doesn't sustain me and I don't sustain it. We aren't symbiotes of one another. We aren't anything. It never was. It's not like that at all.

I wish I didn't have to take Geometry. I wish I could actually take classes I care to take. I wish I could not have to go to college after this. I wish I never had to do anything but live. Live--that is all I want to do but shit like this gets in the way of it.

What am I going to do once I get to college, that is, if I do and get past all this crap I have to learn? I feel like writing's dying. I feel like everything is dying at this moment.

Dreams are being murdered, raped, beaten, smushed, smashed, crushed, eaten, ingested, digested, congested, consumed, destroyed. All of my dreams are dying or have.

What am I going to do? There is nothing I am good at. I am useless.

I don't know. I don't. Know.

I have said this before, and I say it again: the world is a fucked up place.

I just don't know what to type in here anymore.

We have a quarter test in Geometry tomorrow. Over three chapters. It is not multiple choice. It is fill in the blank. We can use four notecards.

If it is at all like the test that I just failed terribly, then I am not going to do well.

I'll try to study tonight. But I don't want to. I think I'm fucked no matter what. Another 100 point test.

I hate school. I hate it. It is such a waste of time and effort. It's just going through the motions.

College is that too. It's just going through the motions. It's just going through this System of a Down. It's doing what they tell you to do. It's doing what this society says is right. And I am sick of trying and caring and fighting and worrying and having and breathing and being and seething. Enough is enough.

I suffer these twenty so years in school just to learn I have to suffer about sixty more.

And when I'm old and dead, that's when I'll finally be able to do what I want, but I won't be able to do what I want because I'm too old to do what I want, and I'll be in a nursing home someplace, just another wasted face in this wasted place. I would rather just die now than suffer through this on a day-by-day basis. But that is only because I am in a bad mood now.

There is reason to live, but I just have not found it. Is it love? Sometimes. Most of the time it is pain. Pain is the reason to live. Pain is what makes you.

Welcome my son, welcome to the machine
Where have you been?
It's all right we know where you've been.
You've been in the pipeline filling time
Provided with toys and scouting for boys
You didn't like school and you know you're nobody's fool

So welcome
To the machine.

My heart has died
i found it was never there
my heart has died
i found it was never there

torn it out,
the machine hand
the machine hand tore it out
like it was nothing
i am nothing
it tore it out like i am nothing
like it was nothing.

it didn't care
i didn't care
i was here
it was there
it tore it out like i am nothing
i didn't bleed i gave
i didn't bleed but i gave

my heart was torn
it was never there
it was a machine itself
it was a machine itself and it was torn
was torn was torn was torn

blood doesn't bleed it doesn't stain
i'm just a machine a number is to my name
the machine hand tore it all away,
the machine hand tore it all away.

the machine hand tore it all away.

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