Wednesday, April 14, 2004

In the Flesh?

It's 1:44 AM and I should be sleeping. Each day, it comes to this time--late at night, when I'm here by myself. And I think. And wonder. Wonder why there's another day to be had--how I don't deserve it, really. How I waste my life and am cynical about it. How sometimes I do feel alive. I look at tomorrow--tomorrow, that's the future, that's more of the scroll of time unravelling.

I wish I could control time. I'd fuck with time, make him know who should be boss. Now that'd be boss.

In the end, I don't want a tomorrow. . .I want a yesterday. I want the past. I want what I have right now--sweet Chrono Trigger music playing, me sitting here doing absolutely nothing, the computer screen lighting my eyes here in the dark. I want something like this. That I can just pour something into and keep looking back, not at the future, not to the future, not for the future.

As far as I see it, there's no future for me. My past's my future. Everything that's happened in my past will happen again, and again, and again and again, and again. It'll repeat. History repeats itself.

I'll destroy some part of me. Feel some brim of emotion. Feel upheaved. Feel sad. Feel what there is to feel, and then destroy it in line for a new feeling. And another new feeling.

I was just writing something else here. I deleted it. I don't need to talk about Chemistry, and how I didn't do my homework. Who cares? I don't care. I know I don't, and that's enough for me.

I should sleep. I don't want to though. I don't want tomorrow. I want the past, and even beyond that, I want what I had when I didn't even exist--the time when I wasn't even a teeming mass of useless thinking. When I was just tissue, somewhere, with Fate in its eyes, and Fate wanting to make me. And forming me. If I could go back there, I'd stop it then. I'd throw it all away because in the end it's all a waste of time.

I never want to look at myself when I'm eighty. Or forty. Or fifty. Or sixty. Or any age. I don't want to see myself gray. I don't want to see myself die, die after all this shit I go through. I don't want to see any one else do this either.

I'm young now. I shouldn't waste it and I won't. I'll experience as much as I can, but eventually, I'll be old.

I'll be retired then. By then I'll be too dead to even know me anymore.

Do you see? Do you see what it's like to look at the future, and know what to expect from the unknowing? I don't like it.

Ignorance is Strength. Freedom is Slavery. And War is Peace.

That sums it up. That's it.

You do it to yourself, just you and no one else. You do it to yourself.

And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes, I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

I'm gonna sleep. Night today. Time to fast forward to tomorrow, the day I don't want to see. All I want to see is what I want to see, and it's not that.

I don't think I need anything at all. No, don't think I need anything at all. All in all it was all just bricks in the wall. All in all it was all just bricks in the wall.

Music, I couldn't live, I couldn't be sustained, I couldn't be functioning, without you. Thank you. Thank you for existing.

I'm actually feeling pretty good. But it's just like that that I can make myself feel sad. That's great, really. How easy I can control myself.

Is this angst? I don't think so. This is me, how I probably plan to be my whole life. I don't like change, I like adaptation. Adaptation needs change, but to a lesser extent.

So ya
Thought ya
Might like to go ta the show
To feel the warmth feel of confusion
That space cadet glow

I've got some bad news for you sunshine
Pink isn't well he stayed back at the hotel
And they sent us along as a surrogate band
We're gonna find out where your friends really stand

Are there any queers in the theatre tonight?
Get em up against the wall

Gainst
The
Wall

Now there's one in the spotlight
He don't look right to me
Get him up against the wall

Gainst
The

And that one looks Jewish
And that one's a coon
Who let all this riff-raff into the room?
There's one smoking a joint
And another one with spots

If I had my way
I'd have all of them shot.

I like how that song makes complete fun of how stupid the world is. It's great. It inspired my poem I posted.

Well, time to rest, I guess.

I took a two hour nap earlier. Apparently sleeping isn't a good thing to my dad, and I'm lazy because of it. Good enough for me. All I know is that it was hell getting back up, I just wanted to lie there. It was so nice to sleep. If you could just sleep all your whole life, then that'd be awesome.

OK.





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