Thursday, April 15, 2004

Blame it on your black star.

“Gore.”
the tv
outlines the face
wallowing upon
a worn chair
his eyes dug in
a magazine
of news

and i wonder
i look to his eyes
they’re not there they’re hidden.
and i felt pretty good
and i felt all was not well.
i tried to talk to you.
i tried to talk to you.

i asked you where
mother could be.
you picked up the phone,
dialed her up.
no answer--your sight escapes.
the eyes of yours i see then
they are tired, dead cold,
i wanted to help you,
i wanted, i was taken,
i just wanted to talk.

i asked you something else.
then it was the same thing.

i asked you, are you really divorcing her?
you replied, “i’m sure you can’t wait until that happens.”
i was feeling fine, and told you no.
i was feeling on top if of it all.

you said it was none of
my concern.
i told you you were right.
i’m just an idiot that lives here.
i go about my way
i’m a cave dweller.

you then
came at me
with the thing
that works the best.
the tool that eats me alive.

i have no compassion
i have nothing.
i don’t care.
that’s what you told me.
all i did was stare.

i have put forth no effort for a job
i am a slob
i sit here and do nothing each day.

what is my life
other than music?
you say.

i don’t care about school
my grades are dropping.
it’s all downhill.

you don’t know how much it hurts
to be told down by the one you look to for something.
you don’t know how much it hurts.
and i stood there, long as i could.
and took it like a man.
then i couldn’t stand it any longer,
i couldn’t hear your words.
i was gonna burn.

now i feel like i’m gonna cry
to think a few minutes ago i was just fine.
now i feel like i’m gonna cry.
how am i
supposed to do this?
how am i supposed to be strong?

i wanna disappear
i wanna not be here
i wanna not be here
can i just disappear?
what’s it to you?
what’s it to them?

i hope you’re happy
i feel like i’m gonna cry.
but always here i am
here i am typing.
i shut out the truth.
i don’t want it
i don’t want it anymore.

here you come in here
here you come in here and i’m gonna break
i’m already broken i’m gonna break.
i’m gonna cry but i hold it back.

“turn down the music”
the usual same.
the usual same, it’s always the same.
no one to turn to nothing to blame.
nothing’s gonna change
i’m not gonna be sane.
i’m losing my grip on it all.
i’m not gonna change.

i tell you to leave
because i ran away
i could not take your words.
i could not swallow them,
could not swallow them in my throat.
now it’s gonna bloat.
dead man in the water,
he’s a float.

i wanna disappear
i don’t wanna care.
it’s hard enough to be me
you don’t need to be here.
you make it worse.
you destroy the wall.
get away.
get away, i’ll close it all down.
it’s not gonna listen.
it’s too loud.
i’ll get through somehow.
i’ll be broken down.

i feel
like i’m a a beaten pulp
that hasn’t got any brain.
i feel like i’m never gonna change.
i feel like it’s time to go away.
i feel it’s time to sleep it down.
always pushing it away.

i don’t wanna grow up.
i don’t wanna do this.
i wanna see it all go.

you don’t understand
i took your criticism, that’s fine.
but now i’m feeling it die.

i wanna leave here.
i wanna go away.
please don’t tell me
it’s got to be this way.

you don’t understand
you just don’t understand.

all i wanted to do up there was talk
you just shove it in my face.
make me feel so bad.
make me feel like a failure.
i feel like i’m gonna cry.
i feel like i wanna die, but not feel the pain.
i feel like i wanna go away.

i don’t know anymore
i’m not good enough for anyone or anything
i hold onto dead dreams.
ripped wretched wracked things.
i should just disappear, i should just not do it anymore.

and what optimism
i had
is gone with the storm.
and what optimism
i had
is gone with the storm.
sucked away.

it’s not your fault.
i’m not gonna change.
i’ll become something i am not, someone i’m not.
all these years and i just wanna be.
doesn’t anything see?
i wanna disappear.
i wanna be who i want to be.
but i can’t, no one’ll let me.
the only place i have to go
is behind the wall.
i’ve only got this place to hide.

you don’t understand
i don’t want to face up to it
i don’t wanna stand.

the way
i feel
makes me not want to do a thing.
i was gonna do my homework i have left
i was gonna try.
now it’s just all dry.
can i just go away?
can i just push it back?

this responsibility
shouldn’t even be mine.
i don’t deserve it, i don’t condone it
i didn’t make it what it is.
there i go, blaming them again.
all i know is that i don’t know where to begin.
how i feel so thin.

i wanna cry, i wanna sit in the corner and die
i wanna lie in my bed forever, never open my eyes
i wanna never see anything again.
i just don’t care now.
there’s nothing here.
the only thing i’m good at is expressing my feelings
with what i’m now.
it’s getting old, getting cold.
it’s a mammoth in a cube.
ice age froze its hide
i don’t know what to do anymore.
i don’t know why i’m here.

i don’t belong here
i don’t belong here.
i wanna disappear.
please, leave me alone.
i don’t wanna hear.

it’s a waste.
i’m a waste.

and to think
i felt wonderful
before i had to do what i did.
before i came to you,
wanted to talk to you,
just a father to a son.
but all i’ve got left to do is run.

and momma, she’s away.
she’s out there, like me,
wanting to push it all away.
drinking her tall ones till the moon fades away.
i swear to myself i won’t drink like she does,
or smoke like she is.
but i think drugs
are what make it better.
i think drugs
are what’ll make it better.
i think anything will make it better
than what’s in my face.

how am i
to do anything
when half the time
i cannot have faith in anything
even myself.
you stole it away
your words drained me,
made me feel that same familiar feeling.
i think i’ll just fade.
i think i’ll just say goodbye.
i’m sick of this show.
i’ve got better places to act.
i’d rather be myself than do this back-to-back.

my body
aches
with the feeling.
i think i’m gonna go release it now
i think i’m gonna hold myself in my arms
and just close my eyes and feel the pain.
i think i’m just gonna release it that way.
i’m gonna touch myself where it all matters.
the place that’s mine.

the hair
it grows on the most important parts.
down there and on this head.
i think i’ll just shave it off, shed.
i don’t see a reason to even care anymore.
i don’t see the reason anymore.
i’m just a useless idiot
i should have never grown.
i should have just killed myself
i should’ve known.

i feel
like i’m gonna go.
i feel like
i’m gonna go.
i don’t have anyone to make me feel better
there’s only the pain.
it drives me away
and slaves me to its grave.

i wish
you could be happy
i just wanted to make you happy
i just wanted to talk to my dad
but it’s shoved in my face,
i’m conquered by my displace,
i’m put into nothing again.

and momma’s off at her bar
pushing it all away, like me.
that’s gonna be me, that’s what it’s gonna be.

i feel i am growing too fast.
i feel i cannot even look back behind or past.
i just wanna disappear, i wanna not feel this fear.
i wanna be gone forever, and not be here anymore.
i’m sick of this, i’m sore.
i’m broken and i can’t be fixed.
the only thing that can fix me is breaking myself more.
i’m gonna gore.
i’m gonna gore.

i’m just a
bull with horns
who’s gotta scorn
and gotta gore.

and you’re just
pushing the red
in my face,
and i see it’s blue.
i wanna fall into my arms
since that’s all i’ve got
and feel myself,
i just wanna disappear.
i wanna become just another gear
that spins in this thing.
this machine.
i just wanna deem
that what i’m feeling
is justified.
i wanna push it all away.

and there’s no way
i can say
how i feel
to you.
and there’s no way
i can just talk
to you.

you’re so cold,
i just wanted to make you better.
but i made myself worse.
i made you worse.
you work each day you said,
you work hard.
i know--i know.
i just wanted to help somehow,
i wanted to talk to my father.
but he is taken away.
the machine stole him, put him away,
barred in chains.

i wish i hadn’t been born.
i’m not worth it, i’m dumb.
i should’ve been torn
from everything
and left to die.
just think,
i’d suffer
but i would not feel
as much pain as i’ve had to.

this is it
i am through.
there’s no more will.
i don’t care anymore.
just let me die on my own.

i’ve made my bed
now i’ve gotta lie in it.
you’re just shooting me in the head.
i feel the slug, but it’s crawling slow
into my head.
i can’t feel it yet, but it’s getting deeper,
deeper and deepest.
soon it’ll puncture to my head,
blood clot will make me seizure
till i can’t do anything but seize.
i’m gonna dream,
it’s worthless, i’m worthless.
let me be.
i just wanna go.
i don’t wanna be here anymore.
i’m tied of it, i’m tired of this place.
i wanna go where i don’t have any more to worry about.

the slug
crawls
his shell
is made
of
eyes,
naked blinds,
they all shout to me
tell me where to go
the eyes tell me what to do.

and there’s my eye,
reflecting back,
as the slug crawls deeper to the hole,
that’s me. it’s being eaten whole.
i’m never gonna be me.
i’m never gonna be what i wanna be.

they all shout at me.
can i just silence this all?
i wanna see it go.
bore in faster slug.
i don’t see why you’ve gotta drag.
kill me faster, i feel myself squinting.

and when i’m dead
throw me in the water
and you’ll have control.
i’ll have lost my soul.
i’ll be a crash dummy full of cold.
i’ll be like you are, father.
and mother, she’ll just grow old.
she’ll just be drinking her tall ones
while i explode in the water,
in a chain reaction of time.

can i just die?
can i just escape from this place,
this constant race,
this constant test?
i don’t wanna be a pest.

if i’m
so useless,
and i do nothing
why should you
have to worry about me?

i’m just
i’m just gonna fade.
i’ll leave you alone.
i won’t talk to you now.
i should just not even be here.
i don’t belong.
i wanna go where i don’t have to do this anymore.

sore.
and i wanna gore.
i wanna gore.
i wanna feel her flesh.
i wanna feel my flesh.
i wanna feel at rest, touching her flesh.
i’m gonna go itch the itch.
i’m gonna go itch
the itch
and it’s gonna feel
like banging my heart
against nothing,
like banging it against a wall,
and feeling all the time
like i’m at a fall.

i’m just--i’m just tired.
i’m just--i just need some time.
i need to get this off my mind.
i need to feel back to where i was,
feeling fine.
i’ve gotta dig.
mine.

and you’re
lying in your
big bed
i can see you,
slouched over,
sitting there, dead.
your body’s floating in the river,
it’s just going where it’s gotta go.
and your skin, it houses someone who’s not you.
i don’t wanna see that anymore.
i want my father back, the one who would love me.
love me like love should be.
not so much misery.
i wanna go back to the days
when i still felt alive.
i gotta grow up, you’re right
i gotta grow up.
you’re right.

but that doesn’t mean
i can’t fight.
i just wanna go.
i wanna feel
my flesh,
i wanna feel her flesh.
i wanna feel my arms around me,
her arms around me,
i wanna feel her arms around me,
i wanna feel my arms around me.
my flesh, i wanna
my flesh, her flesh, i wanna
i wanna feel alive.
release this bind.
i’m gonna bang it against
it hard, i’m gonna break myself more.
gonna feel the sores, just for a while.
i’m all right.
i’m all right, i’m just
i’m just--i’m just tired.

i just need to go away for a while.
i need to disappear.
i need to cry my tears the only way i know how.

i wanna feel my flesh, i wanna touch my flesh.
i’m gonna know myself outside.
i’m gonna feel the fleshly dead.
i’m gonna feel the fleshly bed.
i’m gonna lie in it till i can’t anymore.
i’m gonna gore.

i’m gonna gore,
till i can’t no more.
and i’m gonna bore
into my head
till i can feel my flesh
there.
and i’m gonna
feel my flesh;
i’m gonna
gore.
i’m gonna release
this torture down.
i’m gonna gore.
feel the blood to there.
gonna feel it inside.
gonna feel it inside,
how i wish to go inside.
i’m gonna do it outside.

i’m thirsty, i’m thirsty
i must drink
my flesh.
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