Saturday, May 15, 2004

This body, this body holding me. Reminding me that I'm not alone. This pain is only an illusion.

First, I love Tool.

Second, a poem, from a while ago.

metalhandtakesmeaway
"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job." "Get a job."

"Get a job." "Get a job."

"Get a job." "Get a job."

"Get a job." "Get a job."

"Get a job." "Get a job."

"Get a job." "Get a job."

"Get a job." "Get a job."

"Get a job." "Get a job."

"Get a job." "Get a job."

"Get a job."

"How many. . ."

"How many. . ."

"How many times have I. . ."

"How many times have I. . .Have I. . ."

"How many. . .how many. . .times have I. . ."

". . .Told you. . .how many times have I. . ."

"It never gets. . .it never. . ."

". . .Never gets through your. . ."

". . .Never gets through your head. . ."

". . .Head."

"Head."

"Never gets through your. . .head. Head."

"You're so immature, you. . .you're so immature. . ."

"You have no ambition. . .have no ambition. . .have no. . ."

"Do you think. . .think. . .think it will. . .will. . .all go."

"Do you think. . .it will all go away. . .away?"

Away, away,
do you think
it will all
go
Away, away?

". . .away."

whatifidontwantajobwhatifiwanttobemyselfwhatifiwantedtobreathewantedtolivewhatifiwantedtobewhoiwantedtobeanditsnotgoodenoughforyou

what if what if what if what if. . .
and this is [is] wasting a life
away. away.

{And death is release,
a bloodsoaked fan.
Thank god (whatever God there is, for i spit upon him all) for that much to have had.)

grabbing onto the ceiling i get this feeling i hold myself willing and jump in healing nothing as i am killing every part of me that was living and i am feeling grabbing onto this ceiling i feel it take me away

below me i shudder the fan, blood all over, spins and spins and spins its blades full of everything i ever was everything i will ever be
and i cannot smile, and i cannot
and i cannot cry, cannot cry, because
there is nothing to cry over, and
there is nothing but the fan, blowing
harder than it ever had before, and there
is only one arm holding me here and in, his hand
there is a pencil and with it,
he writes this story and with it, it
is all a dream, and i cannot smile, cannot
and i cannot feel, and i cannot see, anymore
and i feel i am freefalling, because
it is starting to win me over, win me in,
and i can feel the killing i go in willing, in
the jaws i hang on this revealing i am not going to
be able to hold on for longer and i feel weak never stronger

the fan's blades shimmer, catch my eye, glint and hum
this thing has so many inside,
and i let myself go i feel i can hold no longer,
the hand lets go but i am choked as i go, i am going to explode
i look over and there are chains around my neck, around
my torso around my eye around my legs around me,
and a metal hand begins to grab me away

Away, away
do you think. . .
do you think it will just go
Away.

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

"Get a job."

Slob, get a job,
you're too much in the mob
don't sob,
don't dare rob me
of what is here.
Slob, get a job
you're too much in the mob
don't sob,
don't dare rob me
of what is here.
of what is. . .
of what is here.

"Get a job," says my father's face says the robot's face says the deadly displace says the endless rolling going exposing
it is growing, the weed, it is growing, the need, it is growing, the seed, it is growing, the feed, it is growing, the greed,
it is growing, flowing, bellowing, going,

the fan
continues to blow,
the blood on its blades,
and i, held back
in these chains

(i felt it change
felt it make felt it take
i felt it tame, felt it
blame i felt it drain i felt it shame
i am in these chains)

ifeelitalldieandifeelthehumanqueueofsurvivaltakeitsprecendenceandtrytograbaholdofmeandmakemestaylongerthaniwantedto

andifeelthephoenixrisefrommycarcassmydeadcarcassandifeelitgrabmeawayandthrowmeinthefanandifeeliamnolongerhere

this isn't me, isn't
this isn't, isn't
me isn't me isn't me
ISN'T ME ISN'T ME ISN'T
mE IsN't Me, this is not is NOT issss NOTTTTT meee, mee,
this IS NOT ME

ego sum, ego sum nihil, ego sum nihil
i am, i am nothing, i am nothing
nihil, nothing, ego sum, i am, ego i sum am nothing nihil.

ego sum nemo nemo NEMO, ego sum nemo nemo nemo,
i am no one no one NO ONE, i am no one no one no one,

est scelestus, it is, est scelestus
it is wicked wicked wicked it is wicked, wicked
est scelestus scelestus scelestus.

DEATH
IS RELEASE
A BLOOD SOAKED FAN

ilookatmeandicannotseeasmyeyesareCHOPPEDOFF
ilookatmeandicannotfeelanymoremyfeelingsareILLICIT
ilookatmeandicannotmovemyhandstoCREATEmyimaginationisDEAD
ilookatmeandicannotbelievewhatihaveBECOMEandilookandSUCCUMB

A BLOOD SOAKED FAN
IS RELEASE
DEATH

ilookatmeanditisn'tMEitISN'TME
and i do believe, idobelieve i have died.
the metal hand takes me away.

it takes me away, muttering, stabbing in,
"Get a job," in a monotone voice.
"Your grades are falling," in a choice.
"You have no ambition," in a stealing voice.
and it goes on and on and onandonandonandonandonandon on and on and on and on and on and on

and the metal
hand
takes me
away
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