Tuesday, January 11, 2005

   I guess...
I was never what u wanted me to be.
I guess we were never ment to be.
I never did all of the things u asked of me.
I guess we weren't ment to go in to hell hand in hand.
I was the one to be so blaind.
I was onced blinded.
But I guess u were too.
To be so cooing.
We were to blue.
I tryed so hard to cry for you.
But now I know all of those tears wern't for you.
They never were for you.
I guessed you were to much for me.
I guessed you wern't enough for me.
I guessed you were to stupid for me.
I knew the whole time you were lieing.
Me to be so dieing.
You to be so eyeing.
I was blinded by love.
You too were blined by my love.
You were never my true love.
I was never what u wanted me to be.
I guess we were never ment to be.
I never did all of the things u asked of me.
I guess we weren't ment to go in to hell hand in hand.
I guess...
I guess...
I guess...

Lisa's Music Codes

H.I.M. - Dont Fear the Reaper
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   Every one gather round
I now have both MSN and AOL. U can add me to both or either one.
MSN name:AbbeySan@hotmail.com
AOL s/n:MMGothicGal

So go on ahead and add me to ur list if u want to.

And i am also a member of vf. Heres my link:
Johnny_call_me_Nny_ at Vampirefreaks.com - gothic pictures, industrial music,
gothic clothing

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   A book on my life. A book that i am working on.
I See
Myself:

My world, my life and my hell as I see it:

I see myself as the same person that I was 5 yrs ago. Some times I wonder why I
even bother to care any more b/c no body cares about me anymore. I�eve turned my
back on them. I never really cared; I cried so much that I was almost sent to
the hospital (twice). Every thing I did was for nothing, all I did was for
tears, I did nothing to help improve my life, I became the opposite of what
people wanted me to become I did all of it to help you do nothing. I cut to ease
the pain of my tears I did all of it to die but the cuts weren�ft deep enough to
get the vein in my arm. The syringes and needles and pills did nothing for me. I
was stabbed in the back all my truths and lies help them to stab me. I can�ft for
give them.

I slash at my wrist with no pain at all how can I give my self
up, lest we forget the fact that I could do every thing you couldn�ft I lied
where you couldn�ft, I died where you couldn�ft, I did all the things you
couldn�ft. But like all I said I did everything you couldn�ft do. I even killed
for you. But it was for nothing at all. For nothing, nothing at all. Ha I guess
you were too weak to do anything at all.

I tried too hard to give up all that I had made for myself to
die for some one else.

The fact of the matter is that people hate me period. They
can�ft accept me for I have become and that�fs fine with me. Because�c if they
can�ft accept me then what makes you think they will accept any thing or any one
for that matter. Sure they seem like they can accept you but what they�fre really
thinking is: �gWhat in the world!? Why are they talking to me I don�ft like them
one bit.�h That�fs what they think all the time. They may look like they accept
you but that�fs what they�fre really thinking on the inside. They may say (along
the lines of this but not exactly): �gHey I like you. You�fre a great person,
what�fs your name?�h But that�fs not what there thinking. They�fre thinking: �gWell
this blows. I hate you. I don�ft even want to talk to you or even be seen with
you. Damn this sucks so much ass.�h (Along those lines not exactly, but almost
there.)

But I can�ft say a word because if I do every thing goes strait
to hell. I mean really every thing goes strait to hell. Every thing I do wrong
seems completely wrong to every one and every thing I do right just looks wrong.
I can�ft even read with out some sort of a technical difficulty (family) but
that�fs the price I pay for caring too much like I did. Now it doesn�ft even
matter fuck nothing matters to them any more (family). MY emotions; I�fm an
emotional wreck I can�ft even cry any more. Ha but at lest I�fm the comical relief
at funerals even if I do laugh at the dead. It�fs fun.

  I was never really the one they wanted. They wanted the only
child that could make them happy. But guess what they got a child to make them
sad and mopiey. They act all high and grand but when they�fre all really
low-life, class �gf�h citizens. They go along with what they want but all they
really want is what I want: DEATH. It�fs the only way out- the easiest and
laziest way out. I might as well call my self the Queen of Drag and go around
looking like a Drag king.

But I�fm not going to do that because I may have low self
esteem but not low enough self esteem to go around doing what a certain someone
dose. She acts like a freakin�f prostitute. All she dose is walk around with
make-up on and do nothing�cnothing at all.  I�fm to pessimistic and rely on myself
to do all the shit that I�fm left to deal with. I don�ft care much about what
people think of me. Because they can think what they want. And I know it�fs
because of the needles and pills and syringes. They did nothing for me all they
did was make me sicker. I�fm as sick as a person with terminal diabetes (no
offense to any one with such disease. Just making a point.) 

I am the Anti-Christ child. I have no god there is no god.
Because if there was a god why isn�ft he helping me in some mystical facial way.
Oh I know why because god doesn�ft exist. I live a life of I don�ft know what. 
People want me to become a nun. A nun of all things. WTF! They think they can
control me but they can�ft. They can only do so much to turn my brain to there
god figure.

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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

   I think it would b ok to put 1 of my songs up on this site
IF I FIND ANY ONE HAS BEEN STEALING MY SONGS THEY R GONNA GET AN ASS WOOPING THAT THEY WONT BELIVE, UNDERSTAND ME? Good with that said. Let the freak show begin.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(The tears, the tears, the tears, the tears, the tears, the tears, the tears, the tears, the tears, the tears, tore at my heart, yes.) They just tore at it, over and over again. I saw the pain that was/is me the half-breed. My demons awoke from deep with in me, tearing at, my heart�fs vibes. (Whisperings from the demons with in. when will they leave my body, my flesh, my soul, my life when will they fade away in 2 the darkest part of my heat�fs soul.) Why do they stay? Why don�ft they leave me all by my self? When will, when will, when will, when will, when will, when will, When will they leave my body? I�fm just waiting inside of this body. How will I get rid of them? From my body, how do I rid myself of my demons that live with in me? Why do I live? If I�fm just going 2 die!! I thank u 4 saving me from the demons that live with in me, but they still remain in side of me. THER R STILL FRAGMENTS THAT R REBUIDING THEM SELVS. I�fM NOT 1 DEMON BUT MANY DEMONS I STILL HAVE THOSE NIGHTMARES. THE WISPERINGS OF MY DEMONS, THAT LIVE JUST OUT SIDE OF MY BODY. I just wish that they would fade away from my mind from my nightmares. The tears from the children of souls they have stolen, their tears tear at my heart ripping me away from my life. Molesting me, and my heart, taking me �eway from life. They�fre perverting me to death and I�fm just wishing that I would just die. My life is being taken �eway from me. The tears r taking my life the souls of the children cry. The tears just tear me part by part. Yes. Take me part by part. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Let me see u right now plz just let me c u. take the tears �eway from me, yes. Plz just take the tears �eway 4 me. Just take the tears �eway 4 me. Will u plz do that 4 me, yes? Will u just save me? Plz, save me. Will u save me, from myself, plz? I�fm not an angel nor a god or a demon I�em just all of them combined. Save me. Save me. Save me. Save me. Plz, save me. Look in to the murky water that is my soul what do u c. what? U c nothing, that�fs how it�fs been all this time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It feels like the fuckin regime here hummmmmmm wonder y. Oh well. Oh yeah the name is sorta ovious its at the beginin. Figure it out and i'll......do or give u something.
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I no u guy's r trying to help but some 1 i no (not part of my family) off 1 of my games (the broken heart no's which game ask him(and no it's not him)I just cant remember the game right this very sec.) But he's also tryin to help me but some 1 here on myOtaku.com made it worst or better 4 me i was gonna go closer when i got really really depressed but now my 5 yr long depression has a reason to cut closer. Say thx 2 her 4 me. I am not givin names thou sry all my fans. U'd really really love to bet her down w/a bat or something but she's my friend and all she wants to do is help me. Oh shit i gotta go bye.
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