I See
Myself:
My world, my life and my hell as I see it:
I see myself as the same person that I was 5 yrs ago. Some times I wonder why I
even bother to care any more b/c no body cares about me anymore. Ieve turned my
back on them. I never really cared; I cried so much that I was almost sent to
the hospital (twice). Every thing I did was for nothing, all I did was for
tears, I did nothing to help improve my life, I became the opposite of what
people wanted me to become I did all of it to help you do nothing. I cut to ease
the pain of my tears I did all of it to die but the cuts werenft deep enough to
get the vein in my arm. The syringes and needles and pills did nothing for me. I
was stabbed in the back all my truths and lies help them to stab me. I canft for
give them.
I slash at my wrist with no pain at all how can I give my self
up, lest we forget the fact that I could do every thing you couldnft I lied
where you couldnft, I died where you couldnft, I did all the things you
couldnft. But like all I said I did everything you couldnft do. I even killed
for you. But it was for nothing at all. For nothing, nothing at all. Ha I guess
you were too weak to do anything at all.
I tried too hard to give up all that I had made for myself to
die for some one else.
The fact of the matter is that people hate me period. They
canft accept me for I have become and thatfs fine with me. Becausec if they
canft accept me then what makes you think they will accept any thing or any one
for that matter. Sure they seem like they can accept you but what theyfre really
thinking is: gWhat in the world!? Why are they talking to me I donft like them
one bit.h Thatfs what they think all the time. They may look like they accept
you but thatfs what theyfre really thinking on the inside. They may say (along
the lines of this but not exactly): gHey I like you. Youfre a great person,
whatfs your name?h But thatfs not what there thinking. Theyfre thinking: gWell
this blows. I hate you. I donft even want to talk to you or even be seen with
you. Damn this sucks so much ass.h (Along those lines not exactly, but almost
there.)
But I canft say a word because if I do every thing goes strait
to hell. I mean really every thing goes strait to hell. Every thing I do wrong
seems completely wrong to every one and every thing I do right just looks wrong.
I canft even read with out some sort of a technical difficulty (family) but
thatfs the price I pay for caring too much like I did. Now it doesnft even
matter fuck nothing matters to them any more (family). MY emotions; Ifm an
emotional wreck I canft even cry any more. Ha but at lest Ifm the comical relief
at funerals even if I do laugh at the dead. Itfs fun.
I was never really the one they wanted. They wanted the only
child that could make them happy. But guess what they got a child to make them
sad and mopiey. They act all high and grand but when theyfre all really
low-life, class gfh citizens. They go along with what they want but all they
really want is what I want: DEATH. Itfs the only way out- the easiest and
laziest way out. I might as well call my self the Queen of Drag and go around
looking like a Drag king.
But Ifm not going to do that because I may have low self
esteem but not low enough self esteem to go around doing what a certain someone
dose. She acts like a freakinf prostitute. All she dose is walk around with
make-up on and do nothingcnothing at all. Ifm to pessimistic and rely on myself
to do all the shit that Ifm left to deal with. I donft care much about what
people think of me. Because they can think what they want. And I know itfs
because of the needles and pills and syringes. They did nothing for me all they
did was make me sicker. Ifm as sick as a person with terminal diabetes (no
offense to any one with such disease. Just making a point.)
I am the Anti-Christ child. I have no god there is no god.
Because if there was a god why isnft he helping me in some mystical facial way.
Oh I know why because god doesnft exist. I live a life of I donft know what.
People want me to become a nun. A nun of all things. WTF! They think they can
control me but they canft. They can only do so much to turn my brain to there
god figure.
A book on my life. A book that i am working on.