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Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I'm still tired
No word yet from the Doctor. It's been 2 and a half business days, and I'm impatient.
I'm so tired lately, and I've been having cravings. There's a next to nothing chance...but thoughts are swimming in my little head.
I've bben so busy. I left work early on Friday and went to Jordan's. I just couldn't deal with customer service at that point. We did nothing and went to bed early. I didn't sleep well though.
Saturday work was fine. I really like working with Jeannie. She's awesome. I got home fully intending to take a nap, but instead I chatted for a bit and then went out. I had such a great time. Sarah and Lacy were down from Manhattan and Nikki came out with us. Then we ran into someone I hadn't seen for years. It was a good night.
Sunday, back to work... But it's alright. I did some cleaning in the evening and then Jordan got home. I went to bed early again, TIRED!
WOrk at 7 am monday, every monday... AND THEN... Built to Spill show in Lawrence... Yea!!! Jordan and I went up and got some chinese food. It was really good! Then over to Ralph's to hang out before. I haven't seen Ralph and Eric in such a long time... Molly misses them.
On to the show. We went with crossed fingers because Eric had gotten my ticket, but didn't know Jordan was coming. Select-a-Seat was sold out too, so we could only hope that they had tickets at the door. They did. It was sooooo hot in the bar. I think I lost 8 pounds or something. I started to feel icky towards the end, so Jordan and I left early. We still didn't roll into my house until 2:45 am. We promptly fell into bed for sleeping.
Today I went to the gym for the first time since Thursday. Then I hate a bunch of potato chips... I'm so not committed... BAD MOLLY. I have nothing planned for the evening except grocery shopping and a nap. Yay nap.
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Friday, September 16, 2005
Aftermath of Katrina? Molly's Allergies!
Yeah, my allergies have been out of hand since then.
So, something I will rarely admit to, but I am starting to worry about myself a little bit. I,however, HATE other people worrying about me, so I never tell anyone and I'm hesitant to write about it, even here.
I've always been prone to depressive episodes. Sometimes I fight them off, sometimes I don't. IT all just depends on what I've got to distract or motivate me at the time. Lately I have had plenty of both, but still, my morale and mood slip. A lot. I am having trouble getting out of bed, and my denail says it's due to "being tired" and lack of sleep. I am just so tired lately, really, but I'm averaging around 9 hours of sleep a night. Lack of sleep is not the reason for my fatigue.
A few weeks ago, images started slipping into my mind. Fleeting at first, and now they fill a great deal of my time. Images of blood soaked shirt slleves and carpets. My arms bleeding from several open gashes. Non of them are suicidal thoughts, but as some people know, I am a recovering cutter, and it is taking quite a bit of willpower not to act on the inclination to start again.
I'm feeling really bi-polar lately. I'm so happy and excited about the engagement, but then my mood randomly dives into depths I cannot describe. While talking to Jordan about things and being excited I feel at the same time hopeless about everything else.
My doctor's appointment today didn't help that at all. After a hour and a half of waiting, I was seen by the doctor. My last 2 smears werre "abnormal" so I am now being screened for cervical precancer cells. I'm sure it's fine, but even the thought of it is enough to dampen my day, especially after that kind of a disheartening wait, half of it all a lone in the exam room. Left there just to wait and wonder what I am there for exactly and such things. It wipes out optimism when you do finally find out.
As I said, I'm sure it's fine and just precautionary, but still the word cancer (precancer still contains cancer) strike fear into the hearts of people everywhere. I have been rather out of sorts since then.
That's the song of the day, Kiddies. Listen in tomorrow!
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Thursday, September 15, 2005
Mental images are stronger than reality
I've been away from this sight for a little while. I've not even looked at anyone's page for days, maybe even over a week. Sorry.
I just have been kind of distracted, I guess. I am actually rather impressed at how into this wedding planning I am. I am just so excited. I'm trying to decide, should I order my dress at the size I am now, or should I wait until I at least take off part or most of the weight I want to lose.
Oh well. Jordan and I are still unsure as to what kind of service we want though. I actually kind of want a Catholic ceremony, but I feel weird about that as I haven't gone to church in almost 5 years and he's not Catholic. I just love the Catholic service so much, it's rather lovely. My family will be about one third to half of the people attending, but none of our friends and his family attending are not catholic. We'll figure it out. I hope soon.
These types of thoughts have been consuming me for the last week. Those and the fact that I'm afraid I won't lose the weight I want in time. It's silly, I know, but I hate the way I look since the pregnancy, and I want to be pretty at the wedding. I have decided that soda is my weakness, and if I could cut that from my diet, I would lose that weight so fast. It's just a matter of will.
I have thought of caving in and for fast results doing a carb cutting diet. I have hated the thought since I first heard of them, but they are fast if inconvenient and unhealthy.
THISis the gown I want. Or something similar.
Night
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Tuesday, September 6, 2005
Exhaustion
I am so damned tired, it's not even the slightest bit funny. I should probably go to bed right now and sleep for days. But who can sleep when you're having nightmares about an upcoming dentist visit?
Let's see, what happened since I last posted? I had inventory on Friday night because of the evil shoplifter and than drove to my parent's house, arriving around 2:30 am-ish. I then stayed up this like 4 on the internet since I couldn't sleep and I was chatting with petie. Something I don't take the opportunity to do often enough. *hugs petie and other chat buddies*
So, I went to bed at like 4:15-ish. I didn't expect that at 7 am on Saturday I would wake up to my niece looking me in the face and saying, "Happy Birthday, Auntie Molly." Not only was it NOT my birthday, but she's never really known who I was before... Anyway, since I was on the living room couch, I knew that was the end of sleepytime for me, so i got up and made coffee. It was not long until all 5 little kids and *counts* all 8 adults were up and around. I was soooooo tired. I was offered bedrooms to make up my sleep with a nap, but it was a futile effort.
Around noon, other family members started to arrive. Man, I actually really love my extended family, at least on my dad's side. My mother's I don't know so well. But it was gossip, food and football all day long. Good stuff, I say. I had such a great time. Once again though, it was a late night.
Sunday, I worked. It was decently busy, too. Stupid Labor day. Then Jordan came home. I hadn't talked to him since Tuesday, so I started to bombard him with wedding questions and he tried to calm me down. We didn't go to bed until like 1 am and I had to work at 7:30. Monday wsa stupidly busy as well *grumbles* Stupid Labor Day. I didn't get home until almost 5:30 when I was supposed to leave at 4... Jordan made stir fry for dinner and we watch the Miami Ink marathon on TLC and were lazy, and I fell asleep on his shoulder more than once. I fell asleep for real around 11 or so, and he made me go to bed.
Doctor appointment at 9:30 am today...made it into a room around 10... Nice to have appointments, right? Got home around 11, just intime to change and go to Curves for my first workout appointment... It ws good, but I didn't put the effort behind it I should have.
Home around 12, then lunch with John at 1. We went to his old college campus and walked around a bit, then back to the house so he could get in touch with his other friends in town. He left and I did some bill paying and took a nap for an hour. At 6:30 I met John and Dac and another friend of John's. It was rather enjoyable. Then back to my house for visiting. John and Dac just left an hour ago... Now I'm online, but not for long. I've gotten behind here a but, so I thought I'd try and catch up before bed.
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Saturday, September 3, 2005
 Shoplifter's suck
Ok, so yeah, I used to be one too, but for the love...
When I was working on Tuesday I was cleaning out the storage area, so I was totally unaware of things going on in the store. Jeannie was working the front and this old man came in. I came to the front long enough to see him leave out of the entrance door (the one that is not alarmed and magnetized closed so it is hard to open from the inside). We (jeannie and I) looked at each other and watched the car he got into speed away.
I reported a theft ad such things , giving a description of the man, though Jeannie saw him better. He had been wearing a hat. That's an important fact.
I reviewed the survailance tape and saw him putting DVDs down the front of his pants...
He came in the next day (wednesday) on my shift as well. This time he was NOT wearing a hat, and therefore I didn't recognize him right away, though I was suspicious. I looked out the window and the car he had left in the day before was not in the parking lot. I watched him out on the floor and made Secilia stand at the entry door. I saw him put some DVDs down his shirt and told Secilia to call the Police, we have a repeat shoplfter.
He hear me and bolted out the exit. They had switched vehicles to a pickup truck. In discussing this with all the employees, I found out that he had been in on Monday as well and done the entrance door thing then too, the guy working just didn't think too much of it
So, he robbed us blind for 3 days this week, and that's my story. He was an old man, too. Not some young punk you think of as a shoplifter
He went to a different Blockbuster in the city tonight. Their manager called me to tell me.
Stupid jerk. Yesterday I followed him out to his car and he told me to leave him the fuck alone and go the fuck back inside. I told him not to be so rude since he just ripped me off.
So, that's the negative excitement for my week...We had to do an inventory tonight, even though we just did it last week... He got 40 new releases. We didn't even check the old stuff.. 40!!! I wish I could capitalize numbers... That's roughly $800 worth of shit. each one of the DVDs cost the store 19 bucks.. Yeah, that's all. I know he stole a bunch of older movies too. I've got it on tape!! at least 2 days worth, I never checked Monday's tape.
Asshole
Anyway...there's a but more to my day. I joined Curves. The fitness center for women. I think it will do me good. The best part of my whole day though is getting on the damn scale for my initial measurements... I have lost 20 pounds since the birth... just 35 more to go till I'm back to what I was... I'm gonna shot for 50 (I was overweight to start with.)
The fitness center membership is only $29 bucks a month... That's awesome.
Go here for a blog of a guy IN NEW ORLEANS. He's somehow kept it up and going through all of this.
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Wednesday, August 31, 2005
and the marathon begins...
So, I think ourdate shall be March 4th. That's only 7 months away. Scary. Really. I have to plan a wedding and lose about 40 pound so I can look awesome in that wedding. I refuse to still be carrying this baby weight. If I am, I'm not getting married. That's that. I guess I better get to it.
I have no idea where to start, I'm lucky to have the date, I think. My parents want it in a church, but I haven't been to church in years...I wouldn't knowwhich one I want.
I'm fucking tired, though. i haven't been sleeping well. It hasn't even been a week since he asked, and it's already stressing me out.
Had a shoplifter at work today. He was an old man, too. Second time in a week he's been in. Caught him too late. He was out the door. Asshole. Well, that's my day.
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Sunday, August 28, 2005
The full story
I'm dying to tell it again. ^__^
They whole thing starts a bit before Friday. Jordan called me on Tuesday afternoon to see what I would be doing the Next Friday (Sept 2). I replied I would be working so I could go to a family get together on Saturday. I knew he'd be working and unable to go, so I hadn't told him. That, and it slipped my mind. "Why, what's up?"
Jordan told me that a friend of ours had moved into his old apartment. He was having a housewarming party and would like for us to come. But he had also said that he had some cousins that wasn't going to ba able to make it for the big party, so he may be doing something smaller on another day. He (Jordan) would see when that was. I tried to insist that he could go to Shaun's party without me since he would be off of work. He said he'd see.
In the mean time, for me the week progresses normally. For Jordan, it is rather frantic. He had already driven to Ark City to make arrangemets with the guy who actually lives in the apartment for the second. First he tried calling Jonathan, my boss, to see if there was anything to be done about my schedule. There wasn't there was no way to cover my Friday night shift. Poor Jordan had to resort to moving it up or back. I'm not sure why he chose the former.
After talking to Jonathan, he had to move his entire schedule up. On Thursday, he went to my parent's house to ask their permission (ins't he great). I happen to call to talk to them about some thing while he was there. I had no idea until later.
After he left my parents he called me to let me know that Shaun would be having a small get together on Friday (the next day). I said alright, and continued my visit with Duo at work.
My week is still continuing normally with no idea...
On Friday early afternoon, Jordan once again drives to Ark City to talk to apartment guy to ask if that evening is ok instead. Then, while he was driving home I called to see what time he wanted to leave and to ask if he want to catch a matinee of The Brothers Grimm. He said yes, and then we could leave after that.
We got into Ark City around 8 pmish. We went by the liquor store for a 12 pack for apartment guy and I got a 6 pack since I thought we were going to a party.
The apartment is above a restaraunt, so there is a flight of stairs that is a necessity. As we ascend I am noting a definite lack of noise, people, ect...
"I have something to tell you," Jordan says from behind me. I turn to face him. "there is no party. I brought you here because I would very much like to be your husband." At this point, he drops to his knee and pulls out the little black box. "Will you marry me?"
Wow, I was in total and utter shock. Really, I never saw it coming. It took me a second to say yes. Then I couldn't stop saying it. I tried to put on the ring, but it didn't fit my post pregnant finger. It's getting sized tomorrow.
I asked on the way home how long he'd been putting the little jaunt together. He'd had it in mind a long time...
*still smiling* I can't stop!
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Saturday, August 27, 2005
Jordan's a great big liar
But with the best of intentions.
So...the housewarming party...there wasn't one, it was all a ruse to get me to go to Ark City. Jordan took me there so he could be cute. He took me to the stairwell where we met to propose to me.
That's right, I'm engaged and absolutley beaming. That's my story, good night.
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Friday, August 26, 2005
nothing
I couldn't think of a title... It figures
I went to see Duo at work yesterday. None of you guys did, so I'm cooler than you! Who cares if you don't live here.
It was really weird, all the customers who came in yesterday were really nice. It was great! Maybe it's that I'm glad to be back to work and I'm not so jaded about them after my vacation.
Hooray for 0% interest rates on balance transfers! Take that Mastercard. You will no longer rape my checking account with that ungodly interest rate! [/randon thoughts]
Well, I've been to lazy and to boring to update. That's alright. My loyal fanbases forgives me, I'm sure... *feeble smile*
Today is my day off and I've got quite a bit to do. I have to go buy a wedding gift for my best friend's brother. Back from Iraq for 6 months and he's already getting married. Maybe going to war reprioritised things... I have a feeling it would.
NEW SHOES!!!!! That's my major goal for the day. Walking shoes and work shoes. Who doesn't love shoe shopping? Terorists, that's who. Go shop for some shoes, or the terrorists win. You don't have to buy any, just look if you like...
Going to a housewarming party tonight. I am glad to get out. Our buddy, Shaun< got an apartment and we will warm it for him. I haven't seen him in a long time. It'll be nice.
AH!!! I'm killing myself slowly!!!! My typing is horrrible today, slow and inaccurate. Anyway. I've got to start feeling better about things. There are so many things about myself I am hating or find inadequate lately... *looks to the Heavens* Can't you give me something I'm good at?
I used perceive myself as a highly opinionated decently edcated smart girl. I had decent writing skills, taste in things besides movies, and a general knowledge of current events. I was awesome. Now, however, I find my writing horribly lacking and uninspired, the only thing I'm as opinionated about as movies is wine (man, I haven't had any wine in so long) I'm egregiously behind in the news. That one is easily fixable though, I just need to rekindle my love a the newspaper, though our local is a bit disappointing.
I wish my spelling skills were better. There are so many times I restructure my sentences around a new word because I'm not sure of the speklling of the one I want. I have a fear of looking dumb(er), so my extensive vocabulary falls away because I can't spell.
Randomness continues....
I love to shower. There's nothing to make you feel beeter emotionally or physically like bathing. I love a showerhead with so much pressure you think it will knock you over...
My prescription plan doesn't cover contraception. We changed at the beginnning of the year again, and at the time, being pregnant already, I didn't check. Now that I want some, I get bad news.
That's all the randomness I can stand for today, kiddies.
Mole
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Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Laundry day can be a very dangerous day
Thank goodness it wasn't. I love that old Nick cartoon Rocko's Modern Life. Silly little Wallaby.
So, today is my day off, and I am doing laundry. Usually it's Jordan's day off too, and we spend it together, but his stupid work schedule was changed. I'll have to work out a different schedule now too if I want to see him, which I do.
I went for a walk today. It's the first time in weeks it hasn't been blazingly hot or raining out. It was the first exercise I've done on purpose in about 3 months. It felt really good, but toward the end, my back started to hurt, so I kept it short.
Jeannie and I were going to go and see The Devil's Rejects tonight, but we waited too long. It's no longer playing at any of the theaters. Sadness ensues! Oh well, I'll catch it on video. Did anyone see it? Rob Zombie has some interesting vision, so I am curious.
I live in a town of half a million people. I live across the street from a mall on a little residential street between 2 major thoroughfares... Can anyone explain why in the hell I live on a fucking DIRT ROAD? It's been raining for days and my street is all full of really deep ruts and such things as to make it rather unpleasant.
My mother came through with my vet money and I can buy groceries now. Actually, I did that this morning, and in the few weeks since I've been to the store (I think the last time I made a really trip into the store was thenight I went into labor) they have rearranged the whole damn thing, and put up new little price tags the say everyday low price and look just like the ones for items on sale... Try and fool me, huh? Bastards in the marketing depatment...
So, in talking to someone today about the thoughts of my going back to school, and then looking into what it's going to cost me to finish school, I have come to this conclusion. God damn, that's a lot of money. I think that once again, whether on purpose or on accident college is becoming less and less for the masses. So it will be the dividing line it used to be between haves and have nots. It's a long time away yet, but even with some hefty financial aid and help from my parents, it's still a stretch for me to go back.
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