Saturday, May 28, 2005

So this is how liberty dies, to thunderous applause
I have tried to type this damn entry 3 times now... we'll see how this goes. First time it just disappearred and then I got spam bombed... How ridiculous.

Anyway, we'll see how this try goes.

My cat had kittens. There were 5, but now only 2. She is a dumb cat and an awful mother. SHe laid on top of them overnight and smothered 3 of them... Stupid cat.

I find her to be a large source of emotional unrest for me. First she kills her kittens on their first night alive, then yesterday, she was outside and tried to eat a baby bunny. I freed the bunny, only to watch it be catch and carried away by a horrible stray cat that lives on my block. Bunnies, like lambs are too cute to eat. I say this never having tried either to see how tasty they are... I found the whole ordeal upsetting and I cried, Stupid nature, damn hormones.

I'm super stoked about Adult swim's anime line up that's coming up on Saturday nights.

I think I'm going to have a huge baby. And that scares me. I don't want to have a long, painful, huge baby labor. I'm actually really worried about it. I probably shouldn't be. At least not yet.

This might turn into a whine fest at any moment and please feel free to stop reading if it gets annoying. I've felt the need to whine for a bit now, I just don't feel the need to burden someone in person... Just a warning.

I am doing well, actually. Though my nausea has returned in force, as has my fatigue. That's noraml and everything appears to be going just fine though. It's a relief every time to hear that. I've tried to take up crochet to keep my hands busy to try and ward off unnecessary snacking. I'm awful, really, though I've only been at it for a couple of days. My 5 inch squares and 8 inch rounds... not quite the same. Jordan got called in for extra shifts over the Memorial day holiday, so I had nothing to do this weekend. I find myself very bored and lonely a lot of the time. I don't go out and during these last 6 months I have lost contact with the few acquaintances I had in this city because I no longer frequnt bars... I get a little sad sometimes. Lea, I got your letter, and it made me soooo happy.

Jordan and I are having a really hard time finding a family to adopt to. We're really picky, and rightly so, i think. It's just really frustrating and difficult. Also frustrating and difficult, pregnancy side effects... You get really clumsy and forgetful. Both frightful and terrible. I'm so scatterbrained.

As if to prove my point, I am now jumping to Star wars, because I just thought about it. I saw Ep 3 this week. I'm still not sure what I thought. It will require another viewing. I urge you though to ponder the irony in the statement, "Only the Sith think in absolutes." Nice huh.

I have no idea what any of the first part of this entry was about and I am too lazy to look back, not to mention I do not want to notice all my spelling errors.

I forgot my mother's birthday last Sunday... I felt like a tool.

I am reading the Narnia book series again. I have to have read them all about 15 times, and yet I always find them interesting to come back to. I read that there is a video game being constructed around the Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, as well as a movie. Not quite sure how I feel about that. If anyone can mess up such a blatant Christian allegory, it's Disney...

So, Viagra is making people go blind... there may be truth to those old wives tales after all...

Jordan didn't think it was funny when in the middle of Episode 3, when Chancellor called a special session of congress, I leaned over and said, "He wants to instate the Nuclear option and elliminate the fillibuster." I know something in there is spelled wrong. Please don't correct me, I don't have the esteem for it.

So, in the physicaly face to face world, I have personally gone to great lengths and a lot of effort to keep my pregnancy a secret. I practically became a hermit and such things. I cut off contact with a lot of people just so I wouldn't have to touch on a subject that now, 7 months later I am still not comfortable with. It turns out all my efforts and depression and loneliness was in vane and everyone under the yellow sun knows. It's not because of this page, none of them know about it. It's just the rumor mill. People I haven't talked to in 5 years know about it. Now, in my mind, if I found out news like that, it may inspire a phone call to say how are you or some such thing... I haven't had one. this leads me to think 2 things. Either

1. People know it's not something I want to talk about, so they just continue to tell everyone else they know and not talk to me.

or

2. I'm an easily ignorable entity that gets nothing better than rumors from people who, while I think they are/were my friends while in reality they don't give a shit about me or my well being.

Both of these are blows to my self esteem. I realize there may also be an infinite number of other possibilities, but I've never been good at optimism on any level...It just compounds my loneliness.

I am going to move to Oregon, i think. Kansas is trying to pass legislation to ticket females who show portions of or all of their panties in public. I think I'll walk around with out pants the day it passes and then sue the state for sexual discrimination. There has never been any discussion of ticketing men, even when their pants are at their knees and you can see all of their shorts. I guess this legislation is grounded in the dea of men being lesser being and unable to control themselves when affronted with the female form or any hint thereof... Why is it that if this were the case it is the woman's fault for the man's failure to be civilized? Why not just expect the man not to be so animalistic? Really, God bless the Bible belt... Ridiculous. I might just go out naked if it passes. Are there no other problems to deal with that we have to focus on issues like these?

Wow, whining and ranting in the same post. I'm really making the rounds. I think that's enough.
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