myOtaku.com: molletta

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myOtaku.com: molletta

Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.

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Thursday, April 22, 2004

Okay, maybe it's just me, but the color chart in the style manager isn't working for me, and hasn't been for over a week. It hates me.

In other news, Flint gave me an awesome write up. How does that boy know so much about me? *ponders*

I went to see a choir concert with Lindsay last night. It was alright. The first choir was better, but both were enjoyable. After that I went over to Pat's house and watched the boys play video games for about an hour before convincing them to go out to the bars, it's half priced night after all. So we went out and then afterwards we went to play poker at Jay's house. I hate Jays, so I was mean a beligerent and then went home and fell asleep at 3ish in the morning, and then at 7:30 in the freakin' morning, i'm awake. Just like clockwork. *pouts at lack of sleep*

Another note. Shanny, I miss you and I hope you're having fun! I'm mailing you something, and I'm not going to use your new last name beacause I don't know what it is. SO there! *sticks out tongue for effect* So you think if I just sent it to "Shanny" at the address they'd deliver it?

I'm feeling better the last couple of days. At least I get out of bed with no trouble and do productive things. Yea for productivity! Almost everything is clean now... Just a bit more to do. That and the laundry. =/

It seems like I've written a lot, then I looked, and there's barely enough to qualify as a post... That's okay though. I'm outta stuff to say for now.
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Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Aha! I got my tax refund and bought some mangas yesterday. Nothing too exciting, just Full Metal Panic vol 4, Angel Sanctuary vol 1 and Juvenile Orion vol 2.

I om off work today. Wahoo! Cleaning house is the order of the day. It's getting to be the time of year that the landlord is going to be showing the apartment. Kitchen first, then Bathroom then maybe. just MAYBE the bedroom. It's a feat, I tell you. I could clean my room once a week, and I would still have trouble keeping it clean. I should just throw a lot of my crap away, it would just make some things easier.

I bought the new Modest Mouse CD yesterday. Hooray, it's good. I also bought Jordan the Jeff Buckley Live in Chicago DVD. He's going to love it! I love it! Hooray for the late Jeff Buckley.

It's scary, I've been in bed before midnight the last couple of nights. Its really odd. I realised today that if I were to go visit Jordan, our sleep schedules are now completely opposite. He works third shift, so now he sleeps all day and gets up about 6 in the evening and goes to bed about 10 in the morning. Backwards! Ack!

I'm off to clean and have lunch.
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Monday, April 19, 2004

My God, it's stiffling.
I am not sure how much I'm going to posting for a while, kids. I'm not doing very well, and I don't want to whine and be negative and do nothing else. As I'm sure many people who have read my old posts know, I have clinical depression on a really high level. I have hit a really bad low, and I can't seem to figure it out. Eric has little advice for me either, other than start going back to the doctor. I'm considering it. I can't pull myself out of my spiral.

I spent most of my life avoiding or refusing medication, but I am so tied of feeling nothing but anger and sadness. I am tired of just wanting to cry everyday. I think I am mainly just tired.

argh! I am just so frustrated. I have a good life. I have a wonderfull, supportive family and a boyfriend who loves me (even though I rarely get to see him). I have a decent job, and only dislike a couple of the people there. There is no reason for the endless sadness that is currently consuming my life. The fact that I cannot get past these feelings just makes me frustrated and angry at myself. I should be strong enough to...I'm not sure how that sentence ends.

I can't eat, I'm sleeping too much. Everything has such a negative feel to it. It's not the worst it's ever been, but it's more than I want...not that I want to feel bad...but I think it's clear enough.

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Sunday, April 18, 2004

*Yawn, blink*
I'm feeling a bit better, and even if I weren't I' tired of whining about it. I still just try and crawl into myself and disappear.

It's 3:30 in the fucking morning, what am I still doing up? I should go to bed right now, and I will soon. It was damn hot the last two days. 90ish degrees, that's too hot for this early in the year. Now it's lovely and breezy, but still 3:30 in the damn morning.

Parties two nights in a row, and tonight I actually allowed myself to enjoy it. It's a step. I designated drivered tonight, and that's fine. I walked a bit though after taking Stephani home in her car and then needing to walk back. It was farther than i thought.

When I came home, my parking lot was full, so I parked at the apartment complex next door. I've parked there a dozen times before, but tonight people were outside on the balcony as it is really nice out. They said if I parked there, tyhey'd call the police and have me towed. I am now parked in the street where I will get a ticket. grrr.

Lunch with my famly was delightful. I don't know what else to say about it.

Alright, I'm done. I'm noddign off and drooling on the keyboard.

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Saturday, April 17, 2004

I it possible to be a wall flower and scream for attention all at the same time? I think I am. I don't know.

My dad called tonight, he wants to go to lunch tomorrow on his way through town. Yea for dads.

That is all.

EDIT: this is for someone special...

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Friday, April 16, 2004

I am currently watching an OB chat, but not participating much. It's fun to watch though, and I am now Shinmaru's God, he worships me.

I am so bored, I think I'll go out tonight. I worked all day. It wasn't bad, actually. I think it was actually pretty good. The day started off really good. I got hit on twice and complimented on my customer service. How nice. ^__^ It was so slow at work today though. There wasnt a lot to do.

My dad called today, and my tax refund came today! Yea! $900 just for me! Into the savings account it goes, and pay some of the credit cards!

I am tired tonight. I kind of just want to go to bed, but that's not what I really want. I haven't seen much of people lately, and I haven't dealt well with it when I have. I need to get out and see some peoplem, I really need to.

I had the TV on in the background tonight while on the PC. The Real World came on and they had an episode about a girl who was a cutter. Then they had Dr. Drew for Love Line on to talk about it. I think if Dr. Drew was my therapist, I would spend the entire session having dirty thoughts. He's very attractive. Anyway, the TV told me I need to seek professional help, immediately. hmm. That was enough for me.

Imiss Jordan, and it makes me feel bad. I just wnt to be home and close to him. I want to just get married and live in poverty with him for the rest of our lives. I am tired of being away from him. *single tear*

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Thursday, April 15, 2004

In an effort to cheer myself up, I am finally going to post about my Easter trip.

Breathe deep... try to remember.

I left Manhattan on Saturday evening after work. I left work 30 minutes early. I arrived at Jordan's right around 7, I believe. We watched a bit of TV and then put in Kill Bill Vol 1. I really enjoyed that movie. I was devastated when I missed it in theatres. I love old kung-fu fllicks and this one was a great homage to them. Kudos Quentin! Jordan set the alarm and we went to bed, but my insomnia was poking me all night, not allowing me to sleep.

Sunday
The alarm went off at 9:30. I was sadly already awake. Thankfully it was chilly out, so I didn't need to think of excuses for long sleeves. We got around and about 10 minutes before we walk out the door my father calls just to see when we would be arriving. I tell him around noon. That would be about perfect, since everyone else went to 11 am Mass.

The drive was lovely, actually. I always enjoy a chance to sit and talk to Jordan, and cars are a perfect setting. I had coffee, but there are no cup holders in his car, so I was really afraid that I would spill it on myself. I am really clumsey.

My father was the only one home when we got there. Had a few niceminutes to talk to him before everyone returned from church. I was not overly happy when he told me that Uncle Jim and Aunt Carolyn were coming. I am not fond of Carolyn, for a great many reasons.

John arrived about a half an hour earlier than had been anticipated. Then the door opened and people flooded in. My older brother's family, my sister's family, finally my mother. All told, at this point there were 5 small children and 9 adults. It's about 12:30 and lunch was served at 1. Jim and Carolyn arrived with some fruit salad. There wasn't enough chairs, so I volunteered to sit in the living room at the coffee table. JOrdan sat with me. I felt rather disconnected and I missed a lot of convesation, but I think that it was still better that way.

Jordan sat around and talked to my mother and read the paper all day. I was playing with the kids, until they got on my nerves. Then the two of us walked to a gas stattion to buy cigarettes. I spent a large part of the day outside as it was beautiful out. I played catch with John, which my muscles have regretted ever since.

Too soon 8 o'clock rolled around, and I was exhausted.We had some dinner and Jordan and I had to go, as we both had to get up at 6:30 the next morning. As we left, I realized that I hadn't really talked to anyone, and that the visit had been rather superficial. Oh well, with 16 people running around, there's not a lot to be done about it. The drive home was once again very nice. We talked about our families and how different they are. Once we got home, I put in a load of laundry and once that was in the dryer, we went to bed. I got the first descent night's sleep I'd had for a week.
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Wednesday, April 14, 2004

I am veryy sad tonight. I'm not sure why. Please clear the house of sharp objects. I went to look through my movie collection, and I don't have very many titles that are light or "happy". I am now watching PeeWee's Big Adventure in an effort to bring in the sunshine.

I went to Jordan's house last night. He got home from fireman's training about 10:30 and had to leave for work at 12:30. We just laid on the couch for that 2 hours. We barely spoke, we just lay there, and it was lovely.

He got home from work about 9:30 this morning and we again just were in bed. He because he needed to sleep and I just wanted to be close to him. It was really hard to not wake him up. Eventually I had to get out of bed, so I went and got some lunch and then played Soul Calibur 2 for a while while he slept.

He has class at 7 til 10 tonight, and then has to go back to work at 12:30 again.
He had to take Macy (our new dog)to the vet at 4:30. I thought that there wouldn't be much more if any time to spend with him, so While he was at the vet office I left. I had to put gas in the car, so it took me a bit to get out of town.

When I was about 10 minutes out of town, my cell phone rang. Yes, i remembered to pick it up, that being the reason for the trip.

"Hey, where are you?"

"Hey, Honey, I'm about 12 miles north of town. I'm on my way home."

"Why?"

He sounded so sad that I wasn't there. I just wanted to turn around and go home... I still want to.

I make my life much harder that it needs to be. Not just on my relationship level either. Just in general. Oh well.
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Tuesday, April 13, 2004

I am really tired, and I have to go back to Jordan's because I left my phone there this weekend. *sigh* I finally slept last night for the first time in a week. I am not sure what brought on the insomnia, but I hope it goes away soon. Without drugs I am not built to stay up for days at a time.

Flint, it's nice to see you back. I'm not a widow after all. How'd you know my blood type anyway?

I had a great Easter. It was really nice top see everyone. I have to go back there now, so short post tonight. See you in another couple of days.

Short closing thought: I am still working on a sign-up for PT's RPG. I haven't forgotten or dropped out. It's just not formulating as well or quickly as I'd hoped.
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Friday, April 9, 2004

Post number 2 for today.

I am under quite a bit of stress, and my trip to the bank today didn't help it. My rent check hasn't gone through yet, and at the moment, i'm 75 dollars short if it went through right now. X_X I think I'll declare bankruptcy. That way I'll be all set to start over by the time I'm thirty or something. I have no idea what I'm going to do when I move and take a pay cut. I cannot wait for my tax refund. That will remove quite a bit of stress from my life. Though, with my personality, I'll find something else to stress about, I promise. I should ask my parents for some money. They'd LOVE to give it to me. They love it when I allow them to help me in any regard. I personally find it demeening, and they respect that, but they hate to see me struggle, which I am drowning right now, and too proud to ask them for their help.
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