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Saturday, October 25, 2003
In answer to a question...
Where do Babies Come From?
Babies are actually a horrible anlien race bent on world destruction. Let me tell you a story of where babies come from.
When a man and a woman really love eacxh other, they make a decision in their lives. They go to an inter-dementional portel and an alien spore goes up her nose and implants itself in her stomach. All this time the man is there, just watching, like he does through most of the gestation... Then the "baby" bursts out of the woman. By this time it has brain-washed it's hosts into thinking it's just another one of them...They are just waiting for their chance to take over the world... Their down fall is that they are short.
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 Just a little ranting...
God and I have had the discussions many, many, times before that I do not want kids. That is not the point... This is: I also do not want all the things that go along with being able to have kids...I hate it when I have PMS. I can tell I've got it, I'm angry, I'm emotional. I just watch some movie that made me teary-eyed... I HATE IT ggrrrr.
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Home again, home again, jigity-jig...
I am tired, so I am off to bed pretty quick. Just a little thinking first, I can't wait to see sarah on Sunday! I can't wait to see Kyle tomorrow, and:
I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY VACATION!
Yes, I am shouting!
Now, it is time for bed, and one more viewing of The Neverending Story, (it's due on Monday.)
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Friday, October 24, 2003
Ah, I work tilabout 3am tonight, I don't like being an adult. Has anyone ever noticed that Faye Valentine, from Cowboy Bebop, her breasts look like water balloons... I think that everytime I watch it, especially when I watch Knockin' on Heaven's Door. I can't help but think, "That girls gonna have back problems..."
Anyway, on to real thoughts for today... I have been on myOtaku for almost 2 months now... It seems like much longer. I have been well received, and I thank all of my friends!!! I love you all. I have a list of about 40 people whose site I check all too regularly, but no one new is coming around. I guess I just got spoiled by people coming to see me for a while. I guess I should head on out for more GB signings... It's like an autograph, and I'll pretend I'm famous. Or not, I like my little group of friends... hmmm, I have too many mouths to feed, my family is already very large.
I am just rambling while I am watching Yu-Gi-Oh... I am not paying to much attention to what I am writing.
New thoughts! So, last night at work, Buck--he's my boss, keep making snide little comments about my being in a bad mood all the time. It' pissed me off. There was a time there for a while that I was positively unbearable in the store, and I knew it. Things weren't getting done, or they were getting done wrong, and Buck is a "nice-guy" boss, and wasn't doing anything about it. So, as Asst. Manager, I took it upon myself to let people know that if you don't do your job, I will write you up or fire you. I haven't done anything like that for months, even though he never told me he had a problem with it. He is passive aggressive and non-confrontational, but only when it come to the employees it seems. He's fine with customers. He made me really angry. I said to him, "You know, you've been making snide comments all night, if you don't like the way I am doing my job, then fire me. If you don't want me to be in a bad mood, get others to do their jobs." He said he wasn't goign to fire me, but didn't say anything else. Not so comforting...
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I am addicted to I Love the 80's on VH1!!! I've been watching them all day!! Someone help me!
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Work sucked. That's all.
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Thursday, October 23, 2003
What a long, rambly thing that is... hmmm. I lied, I read those comments... I probably won't do things like that too often. It is exhausting. It is tiresome to feel...It gives me headaches.
HA! So, on to bigger Better things! I have to work tonight, with Buck... I guess that's ok. I am tired of work, and am glad my vacation is coming. I know, though, that I will come back and I will be way behind and won't know what is going on at all...and then I will stress out again... *slaps Mole across the face* Stop thinking like that, stupid!! Think positively!
I wen t on a walk today, and it was the GREATEST! I was out for like an hour, and the leaves were orange and red, I don't want to go to work today.
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Read at your own risk...
These are very personal thoughts and some may find them disturbing...go ahead and read, comment if you like, but I probably won't read them...This is just me thinking, and I feel I should document such rare occassions as actual thought on my part...
So... The plans of going out fizzled...we went and came back really quickly... oh well, out of the house, I suppose.
I don't know. Even in a place with my friends, I still feel lonely most of the time. I am not the outsider, and they love me, I know...but I am so detached from, I don't know... EVERYTHING. I wish I had the depth and intelligence that I thouhgt I did when I was an adolescent... Scoring a 100% on all your tests doesn't mean shit as an adult... While I have survival skill, I really want more than that, more than just surviving... I want a full and complete life. I also know that I will not get it sitting here and typing little notes to this page all day, but a girl needs a hobby too, right? I realize that I must work and perhaps even fight for what I want but I have to know what I want first.
I am a slacker...I have no will to live, and I have no motivation to make it so I don't live... I am just too lazy to do either... Lucky me, I guess...hmmm
Why is it that I am so damn forgettable? IWhen It comes to me, out of site, out of mind... I guess it is better that I rarely form attachments to people. I guess I make a really good "That guy". You know, the guy you see at every party, and talk to all the time, but if you saw him on the street, or in a store, you wouldn't know who in the hell he is. That's me. I really almost miss my life of debouchery. I was thinner as a coke-head, that's for f***ing sure...I always something to do, not to mention something to be known for. *Clean for almost 5 years* That's right, do that math... I was 17 when I quit. I won't tell you how old I was when I started... it's shameful. You know, if there's one thing I seek in life it's notariety (sp?) I am not even sure if that's a sarcastic remark...
How I do go on and on... oh well... thoughts...
Thoughts escape my head
in the form of a razor.
Thoughts are illustrated
all over my body.
My left shoulder illustrates
thoughts of stress
frustration.
My right inner thigh:
unrequited love.
The soles of my feet?
my need for recurring pain.
It stays for days and days.
My body is a testiment
to self-loathing.
It tells a story...
They say thses feelings are
a chemical embalance,
and if I would just take
those damn pills...
PILLS! Pills for everything!
Can't sleep, have a pill.
Can't stay awake?
Here's a new pill.
Pills for life,
Pills for...
Death??? No.
Pills are to help,
to make you keep going,
not to end things for you...
I do not want your pills, sir.
I am not myself when i take them.
"Maybe you are not yourself now.
Maybe the pills will make you yourself."
That is an excuse...
Stupidity to the highest power.
As is most of exixtence, I suppose.
For now, my thoughts will do...
They keep me company in this cold.
Wow, there's nothing like depression in the morning, huh, kids...It induces not one, but two posts of bad improv poetry...
If you have read this, do not worry about me, we all have our demons... I am alive, and will be for quite some time. This is a journal, and although it can be publically viewed, I plan to use it as thus from time to time...
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Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Going out tonight, kids!! My day was average, but I'm going out tonight!! Don't know what we're doing, but it's better than nothing.
I think I changed my mind about the wedding dress... I think I'll make it out of paperclips!!!
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something to look at...
If it's in the computer, I can set it on fire, right? I am making this up as I go along here...Improv is your friend, embrace it! Free verse is my chosen genre...
Poetry by the Mole:
My experiences are my own,
you may not have them.
Every person, everything:
They belong to me.
Why must you ask?
Press for things that are not yours?
It is not important for you.
"It is important for us," you say?
Why must you know?
Know thngs I won't even talk about in the dark...
by myself...
What would you like to know?
About my scars, about my tears,
about the people?
How about every gram that I put up my nose?
You flinched.
That is enough to tell me you can not handle my truths.
You cannot handle my lives.
I have had many, you know.
Lives.
You are simply part of one.
The one I live now.
The one that embraces you,
in all you faults,
in all your secrets.
Do you really want to know?
Ask again...
this poem has been floating around my head for a couple of days now, it only comes together and leaves alone if I actually write it. My poetry sucks, in my opinion, so... if you hate it, don't worry, so do I...If you like it, what is wrong with you? REALLY? what is wrong with you?
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