Wednesday, May 25, 2005

In school... lunch time.
Though I'm stuck in the computer room finishing a off a history project. I lie... just finished it about more than 20 pages I think! I'm just waiting for Laine to gather the rest of her information etc. I'm a little hungry but... what can you do aye?
Yesterday... hmmm got absolutely drunk outta my mind. You see I nicked some VERY strong vodka from my sister and took it into school to lighten up my day, since I came in feeling like complete and utter shit! Teachers were on my back, friends were pissing me off... you know just feeling like tge world against you and you just wanna die!
So I did the next best thing! Got drunk and couldn't remember a single thing I did or said! Isn't that smart?
I down a whole bottle in the morning, how impressive!
I just went into the toilet downed it all and thats the last thing I remember, the next thing I know I'm walking up some stairs with Laine tightly holding my arm and supporting me!!
I have no idea what I did and said only what people having been telling me. Apparently I was calling everyone monkeys and telling them to go back to the jungle.... I went around hugging people and saying "I know you". Oh and Catherine (who was sitting next to me) told me that she had to teach me everything since I didn't know what anything was. I was like ... when I came around, really confused! I didn't know where I was! I was thinking... this isn't the toilets what am I doing here?
It was scary and I won't be drinking for anytime longer...

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Monday, May 23, 2005

   STEFAN!!!
WHY THE FUCK DOES HE KEEP COMING BACK!??!?! WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?! CAN'T HE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!!? He's soooooo fucking annoying! Everytime he fucking see's me he absolutely must come over! WHY?! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO HIM HALF OF THE TIME! COME TO THINK ABOUT IT ALL OF THE TIME! I just don't wanna talk to him, since he fucking creeps me out as it is! He's trying to fucking talk to me online now!! Why?! Just why?! Stefan.... can't you see that I don't like you and can't stand to even look at you? I know we had history together! But even he said it meant nothing!!!! NOTHING!!! It's not like I kissed him or anything so why does he keep coming back? I swear he just wants to have things the way they were, when I actually liked talking to him and he didn't creep me out! Well sorry Stefan times FUCKING CHANGE! Argh! Maybe I should just say... fuck off I hate you, what do you think?
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Sunday, May 22, 2005

I know I know, I've should of at least attempted to make the effort to add to MyO but can you blame me? No of course not!
Friday:
When Laine walked into Science, she firstly went to Sarai and Kirsty looking fine. Then she came over to me and I asked her did she ask about Tuesday, she turned round and said it was a bad time and burst into tears! I was fucking shocked and horrorfied! I've never seen Laine cry before! I immediately hugged her tightly and was saying it's ok I'm here for you. In her condition I knew that the last thing that anyone would want is to be in a class room with people who don't normally talk to you try and sympathize with you. So I took her out of the class room and into the toilets. We didn't plan to stay there that long, but it happened. We started talking until a few more people started coming in and out of the toilet. Realising the toilets aren't the best place for a heart to heart we went outside sat on a wall behind a buncha parked cars. I listened to Laine for a while, until the subject turned onto me. I haven't told anyone whats been going on at home (not even on this), but then I just told Laine everything. The reason I've been crying and having break downs. She is the only one that knows every detail! Even though she can't help in anyway the fact that she's really worried and wants to do her best to help, means soooooooooooooo much to me! When I was talking to her I was trying so hard to hold back the tears, I told her that sometime today that I will start crying. I could feel it. Our Science teacher had sent for a duty teacher since he didn't know where we were and all. Our P.E teacher found us and told him then stupid Mrs Harris found us and had ago at us for being out of lessons and shit. I just felt like kicking her in the shins and running away. But I obviously couldn't! When we got back to our science class, teacher had ago at us as well. Then we both sat down at a table we Jenny and Catherine. I could feel the tears building up so badly that I could hardly hold them back anymore and as the bell went I went up to Laine and burst into tears while hugging her. Maths I sat there silenting fiddling with my calculater until came Geography. Now Geography! Well well well.... what can I say? Miss was having ago at Joe since he refused to move in the seat in front for doing nothing. The only reason she wanted him to move is because she moved him like severly lessons before there and was just telling him to do it again. He obviously refused and was talking back his fair point of view. She was getting pissy and sent him out. After she sent him out I could feel my nose started to run (my cold hasn't completely gone), I asked to get some tissue, she said yes I walked out of the room. Joe was standing outside of the class room, he looked real down about it all. So I touched his shoulder out of comfort and gave him a warm smile. He returned it with the smile he always gives me and no one else ^^!!!! I was so happy! Then came my big walk down the corridor... from watching FashionTv out of boredum while ill, I've picked up how Marilyn Manroe walks down the catwork. So thats exactly what I did down the corridor. I turned the corner down to the other corridor for the toilets. Went in blew my nose got my hair looking perfect as always. Did a little practise walk down the corridor until I turned the corridor and turned the corner to the corridor leading to Joe. Lets skip ahead to the good bit! We were talking about that it was really unfair how she was victimising him etc, he said that he was leaving soon and there was no point anyway. I hugged him out of comfort anyway. I mentioned that I was making him a CD as a going away present. I hugged his side WITH HIS HAND ON MY HIP (who he doesn't hug or do to any other girl but ME!^^) I told him while hugging him that I didn't want him to leave me. I gave him a warm smile as I went back in before miss caught us talking. I was pretty happy when I came in, it really highlighted my day! But my day slowly got better...
come lunch, me, Jenny, Elina, Liz and laine were at a table eating in the dinning hall. I saw Joe and thought that I couldn't pass up a good chance to talk to him. (He had been enternally suspended from lessons, so he wasn't in German). We were talking along with Stefan and Ben. Bethan came into the dinning room and I hugged her hello, started talking to her. Then all four of us, Joe, Me, Beth and Stefan went off. Went to the Library since thats where Joe's bag was and where he was staying in the mean time. I gave them all a briefing into why I was crying so much lately... so yeah... I spent the rest of lunch talking to Bethan.
Skipping ahead to after school.... My usual lift into school was cancelled as my mum had gone to Cardiff to spend time with my Gran. That meant I had to catch the bus, so I caught it with my usual group, (Me, Joe, Bethan and Stefan) we were talking blah blah blah blah.... a group of townies crashed our bus, so we all dropped silent wishing that kinves would fall from the sky onto there heads! But I was in a good mood so I couldn't care a less about whether they were there or not. As I was walking off the bus, one of the townie asses was in the way of the walk way so I said "Excuse me please" brightly (from being in a good mood), Bethan shouted Bye Rachel, then all the townies (who were all men aged between 20-25) started saying stuff like, "yeah, cya Rach" and crap like that. The Ginger guy said "hey Rach" I looked up he blew me a kiss, taking this lightly, looking back and thinking about it is very creepy. I just gave him a confused smile and walked down the stairs. A little girl was looking at me so I just decided to give her a warm smile to add to the way I was feeling. I've never left so happy until recently. Normally I feel like doing nothing but just lie down and cry. But these days I'm just soooooooooooooo happy!!
That was Friday...
Satuday:
Made Joe's CD with assistance from Stefan from online. Had a really cool cover and all! It also has a picture of me on the back blended into the background. It's a really good picture of me when you look at it, very S.E.X.Y ^^. I think he'll really like it. That's what I'm hoping anyway...
I've got a little plan for Joe come Friday. This week will be his last week before he goes. I've planned for when I give him the CD in Music on Friday. I plan to kiss him on the cheek, hee hee. Of course to build up the courage to do so and not back out on the plan, I've got some "special water" to help me loosen up abit. I'll let you know how it goes, cya folks ^^
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Thursday, May 19, 2005

I swear it seems like everyday I'm in the computer rooms! Today I was in M5 for Geography and in U4 for German! Thats like two computer lessons. Oh and yesterday Graphics and I.T! Is it the end?! Nah...
I was late into school... correction me and Elina were leate into school. Elina came round yesterday and slept over my house. Oooo on a school night, sucha rebel. We made it just in time for first lesson... P.E (FUN! *coughs*). You see there was an accident involving some guy getting hit off his bike and was injured pretty badly. So yeah... we were caught up in traffic from that! Hee hee I made Elina late.
Yet again!! My brother wasted 15mins of my life waiting for him to come out of P.E or whatever! You know what?! He went round TOM'S HOUSE! ARGH! Why? Just why? Everytime! And it's always 15mins! Damnit! I hate my brother sooooooooooooooo much! He should die!
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Monday, May 16, 2005

In D.T... Graphics, now moved on from doing crappy woodwork! Which is a relief, though I'm still on my own, which kinda sucks but what can you doing? I feel like shit and just wanna crawl in a hole for the whole of D.T! T_T
At least I'm on a computer so that helps a little, my teacher is a sub and Irish ^^. His little accent is amuzing but only for like 5 mins then I get bored of it! As my graphics teacher is finding work for the group I have time to write this. Crappy thing is... I can't few my site since it's been blocked from the school computers which is gay! Thats soooo dumb, it's not like I have porn on it or anything... but I guess I do swear quite a bit so that's a problem.
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Saturday, May 14, 2005

I've made this CD for Joe as a going away present, though I'm not sure he'll like all the songs on it so I'm gonna give it to him on maybe and confront with him what he wants on it exactly. I was wanting to get Bethan something... yet I don't know what! She told me on the phone something soft and cuddley, though I want her to have something special of mine since it will mean alot to me...
As much as I've tried listening to Black Sabbath I can't bring myself to listen to it all without changing it! I hate it so much! But that's Joe for you.
I had horrible dream last night! That I was running after him and when I caught up with him and he turned around he pushed me away and said he was leaving me forever. I started crying and fell onto the floor. He walked away and then I was underwater! A hand came down to help me up. I grabbed hold of it and it lifted me out of the water. When I looked up it was Joe smiling at me! I started crying again and he looked upset then held me tightly saying sorry.
I was like traumatised when I woke up because I thought I was actually drowning so I helded my breathe and woke up not breahting. So I choked and now my chest hurts. But to actually think that he will be leaving me soon is upsetting. Though he is coming back! After 5 months... people are saying that he'll change so much when he comes back, I dunno. He will of course! But... dunno how... that's why I just have to tell him how I feel before he goes away!
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Friday, May 13, 2005

I've been listening to alot of Ayumi Hamasaki and doing alot of thinking. I think I'm going to make that big leap and go back out with Joe again.... ok maybe not going back out for definent but just make that connection again. I need a shoulder to cry on these days and he is the only one I can rely on. He's leaving me in 3 weeks or so and by making that connection we can at least be thinking about each other. How I look at it is if you think of one eachother its like being with one another. He's going to Africa for 5 months with his family. That means Bethan (his sister in yr 7 who has become my mate) will be leaving too. She seemed pretty upset that I didn't come in today because of her leaving so soon and wanting her friends around her. Shame I ran out of credit on my mobile because I couldn't text her back since she was on the 43 bus and she was upset sine some people had pissed her off. She is like the only girl in her family apart from her little sister Lydia (I love that name) who is only 5 years old. But still with Joe being the eldest and not being able to relate to Bethan its hard on her. Not to mention having 2 other brothers, Ben and Dan who are 10 and 8 but still it isn't really a big help. I was kinda guilty that I didn't call her back telling her I had no credit but... what more can I do? I have feelings for myself to figure out alone with everyone elses.
I hate it I really do... I mean I have problems of my own and all but most of the time because I'm so open, everyone seems to open up to me more. So when people open up to me they look for guidence, which I can normally do. It tears me up instead when I don't know what to do or caught up in something else to do or say something to that person. Sometimes it can't be helped yet others it can... I want to do something in life to help others. But I have come to the conclusion that I can't, since all the problems do seem to come back to me threefold anyway. Therefore I don't think I would be able to do anything even if I could... might be upsetting but... thats life isn't it? You get what you get...nothing you can do about it.
.... Joe... shouldn't or should I? If I don't I will regret it for alone time. One piece of advice I always follow on is "regret nothing" and I stick by that!
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Thursday, May 12, 2005

I just finished talking to Sumy over msn messenger and I totally didn't know how much she sounds like me in from last yr and in yr 7! It's sad really.
LIZ AND LAINE TREGASKIS YOU MAKE ME SICK!
Yes you are supposed to be my fucking friends but frankly you wouldn't know a troubled friend if I came up and stunned you from behind! You are a fucking waste of time and fake people trying to be perfect. If you don't:
a) get hit by a car
b) die from cancer
c) get shot in the face
then I'm not even gonna bother even making the effort to talk to you or do any shit to even fucking bother anymore. I feel so fuckin helpless it's ridiculas! I'm so angry and so frustrated I just wanna collapse!
I know I stayed home from school today and I do plan to tomorrow but... I think I might go in though I do have D.T and it is abit risky, since my teachers an ass! I don't need an pity or shit so don't bother ...
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Finished watching the last Lord of the Rings film. I could watch them all, all day. I hate Elijah Wood! He makes a crap Frodo! Actually I never liked Frodo in the book, but still, Elijah Wood manages to make it look gay with Sam! Yeah... all of the american actors they put in didn't work, with the expection of Aragorn, the rest got on my nerves big time! The rest worked really well though. In the comentray, God Elijha Wood and whats his face just kept going on and on how touching it all was. It's like yeah... so shut up already you said it stop making so dramatic its not that much of a big deal! Why is it that Americans seem to exaggerate every living detail? I've never understood this. Oh and are so patriotic. e.g. learning all the presidents names and shit. You see if you came to England and asked them to name all the prime minsters you would only get about two or three outta them. I could only say Tony Blair, Winston Churchill and John Major. Yeah 'bout it... it's funny when you watch something like dead ringers where they take the piss outta them. I don't think you can do that in America, it's like it's your commiting a crime or something. I dunno, it just doesn't make sense to me.
Well... as I was saying about LOTR's great film! I love it expect I prefer the book more but thats just me.
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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I have a shitty cold! It was a bad sore throat but it has now turned into a cold. I can barely breathe and have to see in every 20 minutes. It's only a cold, I'll get over it.
I had my chance to stay off school today, I didn't want to stay home and bother my mum, so I went in. I don't mind school that much so theres no problem. Apart from being ill.
I had a crap day yesterday, where my sore throat turned into a cold as well after lunch. I had D.T, which I can't stand. I sat there as I normally did and then Stupid gay ass Mr Hatton told me that he couldn't let me just sit there anymore! I told him I wasn't feeling to good and he sent me to the horrid nurse, *shivers*. All that fat evil thing does is give you a fucking massive paracetimal and tell you to go back to your lesson. I took the paracetimal and hung about in the toilet for about 10-15 minutes. I was gonna bunk the whole lesson... and really should of but something in the back of my mind forced me to go back to gay ass D.T!
I went back to D.T. Stupid gay ass Mr.Hatton AGAIN had to butt in and tell the head of D.T which is Mr.Williams, sorta tall, long legged man with glasses and a funny haircut. He took me to reception and told me to sit. I did what he said, then he asked me why I was sad or upset or whatever and I didn't answer him much. He presumed it was because I didn't like D.T. Sure true but there are other things in my life that can upset me more than a pettyt pointless subject! I got some lady involved aswell, I told her what was bothering me and that I don't feel well. They were prepared to send me home, though I said not to bother and I can go to History (which was last lesson) and I would be ok. Man I was soooooooooo wrong, I should of just gone home!
I ended up bursting into tears in History when that stupid teacher came back and started teaching history again! God damnit! She asked me why I haven't got my book out, (though already feeling like crap from just telling my fucking life story on how I'd suffered from depression and that I'm going through another phase of it again), I wasn't too happy when she started on me about not having my book out. I just looked at her blankly knowing she waiting for a reply, I tried opening my mouth but then the tears just started streaming down my face. I walked out of the room to redeem myself. Without any of my supposed "friends" coming after me or fuck all! Instead Hannah went after me (she's is also in my D.T set and knew I was upset before hand). I had a comforting talk with Hannah, since she has actually been through the stuff I'm going through, which is nice to know. Unlike my friends who have never fucking had a boyfriend or done fuck all, she was a great help for making me feel better.
I came back into the class room, sat down and took out my water. Then stupid gay ass horrid red head bitchy wank, came up to me and wanted to know my business. She asked me what was wrong. I told her like you care and she started having ago at me that she does fucking care and she wanted to know and fuck all! I just came back into the fucking classroom after having a fucking brake down and what does she do?!!? Puts pressure on me and starts making it out it's my fault that I won't tell her! So there I go again, she sets off another load of just recovered tears! I walk outta the room and she follows after me fucking pissing me off again! She doesn't fucking get it! Bad news is she has not only replaced my history teacher, Mr.Taylor but my R.E teacher, Mrs.Dickinson as well!
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