Thursday, March 16, 2006

Well, I'm in a very good mood today, and I have been like the past few weeks... um, I only do the rants at like 3 AM. So yeah. Anyway, I've decided to list all the people who have influenced my life for the better! In chronological order...

My siblings. They are by far the coolest people I know. They have given me my... common sense I suppose. They have also influenced my opinions far more than my parents, and to be honest, I enjoy their company far more than either parent. If it weren't for my brother, I probly wouldn't be into videogames, and that would suck. And my sister pretty much gave me every opinion that I haven't made on my own. Except the realization that I'm atheist. That was my brother.

Then there's Siyu, the first real friend I ever had. All my other friends had been using me, or just generally been jerks until I met Siyu. He was so cool! We liked all the same shows and games, and he was much more fun to hang around than.... um, my loser friends. I guess he kinda showed me that friends don't have to abuse each other, physically or mentally. Though they do fight. That's a given. Sadly, he moved to Indiana shortly after the end of 6th grade. We kept in contact for about a year, then just stopped talking. I did talk to him around a month ago online, however. But he's not the same. We've both changed a lot, but I think he changed more. He hasn't gotten a new game in 6 months, and he's into basketball. I hate sports. So, I don't know Siyu anymore. But it still is fun to look back to the years that he made me happy.

I should probly mention my friends Bryan and James, but neither of them really had an effect on me...

Next would be Shadow Jaganshi! If it weren't for me stumbling across her fanfiction one day, I wouldn't have begun obsessively reading all her stories, and then her myotaku... And because of her, I started to be more open about and embrace my insanity. It was fun, but I still was pretty antisocial, so I didn't make any friends all through 8th grade... I just kept the same three. Oh well.

Next is Liz! She completely changed my freaking life! I mean, I wasn't really depressed, but from the time Siyu moved, my life had been in a downward spiral... I was completely antisocial, still had only three friends, and I listened to my music almost constantly... After meeting her, I'm much more outgoing. I mean, I have real conversations with people! She kind of pulled me out of my shell, so to speak. And also thanks to her, I have like 10 more friends! She introduced me to Chris, Brian, Cam, um... Steve, kinda... and Tim, although I still barely know the latter.

Speaking of Chris, she has also been a good part of my life! She was the first person around my age that I could ever talk to about anything, be it serious, philosophical, political, or crazy! I can also have such conversations with Liz, but they're not as fun... (no offense Liz!)

And both Liz and Chris can actually see more than what's right in front of them, something that most adults don't think kids are capable of... aaaand this is turning into a rant. NO! Bad Tom!

Okay, so the last person is more of a group of people. Whatever. It's Brian, Cam, um... and those other guys, but not as much. They've shown me that there are people out there a lot like me who just... they're similar. And I've never known anyone that was really um... similar to me. Yeah. Anyway, another reason that these guys have had an effect on me is 'cause they helped Liz and Chris be not depressed. So yeah.

I can't think of anyone else. I'm going to leave now. I'm really hungry.

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

After talking with my friend Chris yesterday.... or was it Sunday? I don't remember... Anyway, after talking with her, I've decided to end this "anonymous" crap. I don't really fear stalkers, and I still won't be giving any last names anyway. So yeah.
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Sunday, March 12, 2006

You know, I'm usually pretty angry about things when I post here. Even the really happy posts turn into rants.... But I'm fine with that. This site is my way of getting rid of all that anger and stress. And if people don't wanna listen, they don't have to. I'm not really angry all the time, though sometimes I can get quite... whiny. I'd get angry though, if I didn't have outlets like this. I'm usually in a fairly good mood, thanks to my friends. Yay friends! Wooooo! Ume!
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Today was awesome. I had much fun with my friends. Friend Ca and friend B arrived first, and we played ssbm in the basement for a while. Then friend Ch got there, and we decided to go out for a while. And friend L came just as we were going out. Later, friend J came on his bike. We hung out on a hill for a while, some climbing trees, others talking, others throwing pinecones at people in trees...

"It's pronounced 'day-ku', not 'duku'! It's not spelled d-u-k-ooh, it's.... oops."

We were being stalked by little kids. Friend B kept making monkey sounds, and eventually we heard other voices responding to us a ways off. Then we noticed the kids darting around. So then we walked elsewhere, and quietly discussed the kids running along a different route to spy on us. We stopped for a while in front of my old house (A while back I moved almost literally across the street), and talked to my old neighbors. I then began walking towards where the kids where hiding behind some cars. Before the others followed me, I slowly turned and glared in the direction of the children. They immideately freaked and ran; I was greatly amused. I hate children.

Sadly, upon returning to my home, friend Ch had to leave. The rest of us went back to playing ssbm for a while. Then friends L and Ca left... so all that remained was me and friends B and J. When friend B's mother arrived, I left with them and friend J left on his bike.

So I went and ate pizza with friend B, then we left to another friend's house for a movie... Robin Hood: Men in Tights. It was hilarious. But mostly cause I couldn't stop laughing. They had to pause the movie like 5 times to wait for me to calm down. And it wasn't really even that funny, I just couldn't stop laughing for some reason...

Changing to a much less happy topic... I have made a decision. After much deliberation, I have decided that my oldest friend that I have currently is not worth my time anymore. I know that sounds cold, but I have my reasons.

It all started back when I didn't have a single friend, back when I was still in preschool. I met a kid one year older than me, Brad. After a while of playing (or whatever it was we did as kids), we became close friends, and were almost constantly at each others' houses. I thought that he was a great friend, and I knew nothing else. Of course, I got more friends as time went on, but I was never nearly as close with them as I was with Brad. Fast-forward to 6th grade. We were still great friends, but I finally had som friends that lived nearby besides him. During the spring of 2003, while walking back from the bus stop, he told me something that changed my life. He wasn't inviting me to his birthday party that year, because he could only invite two people. He was inviting Justin, his best friend, and James, a kid MY AGE that he had met THAT YEAR. Except I thought when someone was your best friend, you were his best friend too. I GUESS NOT. I wasn't so angry at first, but when I told my parents what happened, my mom said that I was grounded. Specifically, I couldn't interact with Brad for two weeks.

By the end of those two weeks, I didn't need him. In fact, I hated him completely. I looked back on all my memories with him. He was never really a friend; he used me. He had a learning disability, which was clearly beyond his control. But it made him bitter and jealous. I'm smart, not really a genius, but smarter than a lot of people in my grade. And I have an imagination that would probly give most people I know a headache. But he didn't possess those things; he was convinced that we always did what I wanted at either person's house, when the complete opposite was true. And when I said always at each other's houses, I meant that he practically lived at my house. His parents didn't let him have snacks, so he would come to my house for one. He didn't like the games he had, so he would play mine. When we were at his house, we never played his games. Well, we never played the good ones anyway. He had Super Mario 64 and Yoshi's Story. But they weren't two player, so we always ended up playing some crazy-ass motorcycle game that he always won at cause I never learned the controls. But apparently it was perfectly fine to play one player games at my house. He still has a file on most of my N64 games, just because it would eventually become "our" file and it was better. When we played with little toy cars or k'nex, I would always make my characters have seperate identities and origins. It would eventually get to some kind of importance that they had to save the world or at least a part of it. Or, it should have reached that point. He never had that. His ideas were lame, and he used the same every time. Almost every game we played ended up in a race. He would always find some incredibly boring way of bringing up racing. We would then make cars out of k'nex, and then race them around the room. He always won. If he was feeling merciful enough to let me win one race, his next character would have secretly acquired some super engine, or other shit like that. The point is, he had no imagination or individuality, and he constantly "played" with me for what I had, not who I was. But I had never known a friend before him, and I was completely oblivious at the time to all of this. Then, I was in fifth grade. He didn't invite me to his birthday, because he wanted to invite his friends that were his age. That, I could understand. But when he told me that I wasn't invited to his birthday party to my face for the second year in a row and instead invited a kid my age, I began to think. Think about how he had treated me my whole life. I realized something: Brad was an ass.

So I never played with him again, never called him or returned his messages, and barely said "hello" at the bus stop. I think he got the hint, though to this day I doubt that he knows why I hate him.

That story had two points: One, I really needed to say that. Two, I wanted to explain why I'm ending another friendship. In fifth grade, I met a kid named Siyu. He lived near me, and was a great influence on me. In fact, we were so similar that someone once said he was an asian version of me. Once I saw Brad for what he was, Siyu became my only real friend. I had some friends left, of course, but they weren't all that fun to be with. But at the end of sixth grade, Siyu Luo moved to Indiana. We kept in touch for a while, and then he just stopped calling. We've spoken online since then, but it had been more than a year since I had talked to him last, and he has become a different person. I no longer know Siyu Luo.

I mention Siyu because he was the first real friend I had, and life seemed great back then. But I made one other friend in sixth grade: David. He was a nice and funny guy, and we joked around a lot. In seventh grade, I had only two friends, David and friend J. By eighth I had only one more. But David... changed. I never really hung out with him until the summer of 2004. I think that's when he began to change. He went to my house, saw what my life was like... He became depressed in 8th grade, mostly because his parents completely sucked, and they still do. They're far too strict, pushing him too hard and not giving him the attention he needed.

I foolishly didn't notice his descent into complete despair until this year. I can no longer joke with him. I can't even jokingly call him stupid without him getting depressed. He ruins things for people, too. He's always been kinda socially awkward, never really responding to people. I was the same way, but I've grown out of it and now have many new friends. He hasn't. From what I've seen, he barely talks to people he doesn't know. But now... Let's say David and I are with my new group of friends, who he kinda hangs out with now. They're all laughing at a joke. He won't let it stop. He'll point out, loudly, another facet of the joke that's usually morbid. It's no longer funny, and he laughs. Everyone else has stopped laughing. They stare at him. That's how it goes. Then he'll think everyone hates him and get depressed again.

I was talking about David tonight with one of my new friends. After pointing out some of the more annoying things he does, I realized that he was just like Brad. He has been manipulating me. He comes to my house, and sees everything I have, and he is envious. He does nothing but play my one player games and look up stupid flash movies. He's horrible company. He waits until I'm asleep, then he'll look up porn. At his house, I usually just watch him play whatever game I brought. He is no longer any fun to be with. He is a constant drain on my time and energy. I have to reassure him that he is smart almost every day now, which is true. But he's not as smart as me. As long as I'm getting just a few points better on tests, and as long as his parents are driving his self-esteem into the ground, he will be depressed. And he will be using me.

I can only find three main differences between my friendships with Brad and David:
1. Brad is a year older than me.
2. Brad has a learning disability; David is depressed.
3. David can manipulate me far more and better than Brad ever could.

I have gone down this path before. I am seeing everything that I hate in Brad slowly appearing in David. I don't want to hate him. On monday, I am going to see my counselor to find out if I can get him to see the school social worker. It's the last thing I'm going to do for him, as his friend. From there, he will be just another person at school, another person to occasionally say hi to in the halls and in class.... I miss the old David, but there is no way to bring him back now. I need to move on. I have found better friends, friends that support me and care about what I do and think. And I care about them. David will never be the same in my eyes. I wish I could go back, to somehow fix what happened that made him this way.

But it looks like this is following a formula. I make a seemingly nice, good friend. They have a crappy home life and crappy parents. They find out what I have is much better, and they cling to me like a parasite, taking my energy and time, but giving nothing in return.

I don't want it to end the way it did with Brad. I'm going to figure out a way to remove him from my life without destroying what little confidence he has left...
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Saturday, March 11, 2006

Dude... It's almost 4:30. I'm not tired at all. Wait, I lied. I'm extremely tired, but too hyped up on coke to sleep. Coca-cola, that is. Yep. I feel much better now that I got that rant over with. And cause I finished reading every single post my friend has made on her xanga. I'm kinda... nosy, I guess. This is why I hate reality TV. Not only is it stupid and not real, but I'd probly be addicted to it if I ever watched it. Anyway... I laughed a lot tonight. At various things. I'm having people over at three pm tomorrow. Er, today. Whatever. And I still need to assemble a bookshelf and rearrange the basement furniture. And pick up all my crap. Sigh.... I'm in a good mood. Friends rock.

....I was talking to said friend earlier, and I was saying how the new pope looks like Darth Sidious (He totally does!), but she didn't know what either looked like, so I was looking for pics of em... and um, I said something REALLY stupid....

[me](8:51:02 PM): i found a pic of da pope
[me](8:51:03 PM): dude
[me](8:51:04 PM): but
[her](8:51:04 PM): ....
[her](8:51:07 PM): da pope?
[her](8:51:09 PM): 0_0
[me](8:51:09 PM): sorry
[her](8:51:14 PM): lol
[her](8:51:15 PM): that's right you are

You know, right now, I find that hilarious. It'll probly seem really stupid in the morning. Oh well. Life goes on. And is awesome. And... I can't think of a clever metaphor at 4:35 AM. So sue me.
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I have a lot to think about right now. I've been reading my friend's xanga for a lot of tonight... and I just... it's wierd. I feel like I've known her longer now, almost. But when I was reading it, I kept having to remind myself, "You're not reading a book. You know a lot of these people." I'm so disoriented right now... I can barely type, because I'm shivering so much.... I don't know why, I don't really feel cold. I'm kinda lonely too, cause everyone signed off at midnight. It's almost 2 now.

Right now I'm at a point in my life where almost every decision I make will affect my life. I'm desperately trying to understand just what it is I feel now, trying to figure out what it is that I believe in and understand, the types of people I like, or the types that I can't stand; the friends that I can trust the most, the things I've learned that apply to my life...

If there's one thing I do know, though, it's that my current friends are one of the most influential factors in my life right now. Without them, I would still be nearly friendless, but have the illusion of a lot of friends at school. Those "friends" that I made the first couple weeks aren't "real" people. I'm beginning to see different sides of them, and I'm noticing the people they talk to and hang out with. Just this week I realized that there is almost no one in my second, fourth, or fifth hours worth talking to. In fact, many of the people I've met and seemed really nice and outgoing are total assholes.
Take Greg for instance. Yes, I'm mentioning a name, but only cause he's no friend of mine. Anyway, um... I can't really talk about Greg without mentioning Tyler. Tyler went to elementary school with me. I never really talked to him back then. In fact, all my friends up until I was in fifth grade were jerks and manipulated me, coming over to my house to play my games and eat my food because they had strict parents. It's actually still like that now, except my friend in this case is my age and totally emo, though he won't admit it.
Back to Tyler. In the first couple weeks of high school, he was constantly talking to me, saying how we were pals and best buds in elementary school. At the same time, a bunch of other people were talking to me that I didn't know ("Yeah [MB64]!" I still get that in the hall for no reason). There was a good side to this; it helped me to be more outgoing, to actually respond when people talked, to give people high fives (though I hate them). Thus, I met at least 15 people and thought that we were friends. Well, at least I did when they asked me to eat lunch with em. Oh, how I was wrong.
So, Tyler's kind of an ass. He's always talking about how much he hates our geometry teacher and what a bitch she is. She is not a bitch. It's her second year teaching, and she doesn't have the experience needed to deal with idiots all day. Like Tyler. But I lied and told him he was smart to make him feel better. So, apparently this asshole Brendan pours bbq sauce all over Tyler's backpack, and Tyler wasn't even aware of it. Some teacher saw though, and blah blah crap you don't wanna hear about. He was absent the next day, and Greg said constantly throughout 4th and 5th hours that he was crying at home about it. And that he "deserved it." Well, he did deserve it, cause he's an ass, but that's not the point. Also, Greg is apparently friends with Brendan (who, by the way, punched me in second grade for no reason). So now we're dealing with three complete assholes that I thought were nice guys. No wait, I only thought two were nice. Yeah.
So, realizing that I'm not good at analyzing people, I tried to re-assess the "friends" that I had. 90% of them are assholes or are just acquantinces that I have no desire of becoming friends with.
....Damn. I swear a lot. Well, actually, I have a friend who swears way more (unless it comes to videogames), but he gave up swearing for lent or something ridiculous.
So many people in this world are mean and ignorant. It's like a room of shouting people, all trying to outshout each other. Nothing ever gets done. Very few people see the world clearly, and all they need to do is open their eyes. The problem is, people are too stubborn to realize that they're in the dark. Oh, and I've derived much of this paragraph from a conversation I had earlier with one of my best friends.
And no one ever listens to the people with ideas for solutions to problems. I'm disgusted that people I once thought were really cool (super far left dudes) have turned out to not be that cool after all. Even my mom, who's mostly moderate, thinks that any solution that involves giving up a right is bad. Solutions for problems like overpopulation and the national deficit. I respect that these people don't want to give up their rights, but unfortunately this is not very realistic. The basis of government is giving up some rights to be protected. I care about the future, both mine and the generations after me.

You would think that as time went on, the human race would get smarter. Instead, we've got a handful of geniuses and a crapload of retarded people. And I don't mean to offend anyone by making a reference to the mentally impaired! To quote Carlos Mencia (he's funny, but he yells a bit too much for my taste): "I'm not making fun of people that were born retarded. I'm making fun of people that were born, and are now retarded."

Which applies to most of America. I'm scared to think of what else these idiots will screw up before it's our turn to take over. Our lives are already pretty much cheapened as it is, thanks to all the shit we have to deal with thanks to the Dumbfuck Administration. I'm not nearly done, and I could probly go on for hours, writing pages, because one thing would just flow right into the next. But I'm tired, hungry, and cold. It's almost 2:30 now. I just want to get some sleep, and have fun with my friends tomorrow. Sigh.... Off to the sleep I go....
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Thursday, March 9, 2006

Dude, I have like the best friends EVER! I mean, I've lived much of my life in... well, not isolation, but mostly friendless, or the friends I had weren't "real" people. Anyway, my new friends have so much in common with me I can hardly believe it. I mean, the video games and anime stuff is just part of it. They're SMART! A lot of smart people that I've known suck when it comes to stuff they're interested in. And these people don't. We had a half day today in school, so I followed all of em on a bus, to one guy's house, then to Subway. Then we went back to his house, played melee, and watched a movie... It was the most fun I've had in a long time. I didn't know one of the seven of them, and i only kinda knew two of em, but it was still awesome. Life is good. ^_^
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Wednesday, March 8, 2006

DUDE! GOOD NEWS!

I'M NOT HATED! Well, not by my friends anyway. It turns out that one had to get off her computer, one had to work on some engine or something, and the last one had to watch Lost! That's why they all signed off! Not because they were pissed! YEAH! WOOOO! I am SO relieved... I need sleep.
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It occurs to me that I haven't been posting lately. I don't really have anything to say, I just felt like pointing that out. Well, I did get the use of my basement back. That's something. And I may have lost a whole bunch of friends. Or they all had to sign off AIM really quickly without saying goodbye for some reason that DOESN'T relate to me just saying that downloading anime is illegal and evil. I seriously doubt it though. Whatever. There is a chance, however, that I can figure out what's happening. I have another friend from the same group that left like an hour before that I can ask what the hell's going on. That's good... if she signs on again... oh well. Back to boring life I suppose.
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Sunday, February 26, 2006

Blah. I hate life. Not mine, other people's. 'Cause dude, most people's lives SUCK. Mine doesn't. I mean, my dad's a hypocritical ass, who suffers from the delusion the my mom still loves him even after everything he's put her through and despite the fact that she's dating; and my mom is an incredibly emotional person who... um, well she cries, and she has clinical depression I think, and yeah. But she's the far lesser of two evils, and anyone who doesn't have problems with their parents is probly going to be a boring person. But my brother and sister kick ass, as well as my brother's wife, who I recently realized is really fun to talk to about serious stuff because she never condescends to me like so many other adults. Age has nothing to do with intelligence. I mean, of course most kids are stupid, and they don't have the experience that adults have with life. But part of the reason kids are stupid is because it's okay for them to be stupid. Now we have all these stupid adults talking about "not stifling kids' creativity". Bullshit. Telling a kid that he can't talk in class or throw paper or draw when he's supposed to be paying attention is not stifling creativity. Kids are at school to fucking learn. Not so they can feel good about themselves and think that they're better than adults because they can get away with stuff.
I actually was talking to my mom about this today, and she was telling me hwo stupid some of my teachers were. I'm smart, and I know it. I'm not trying to brag, and I know that there are a lot of kids that are smarter than me. But I can learn things easily. Geometry is not a challenge at all, except when I have to go back to something we learned more than two months ago, cause I don't remember every detail of every stupid little thing that I learn in school. But I certainly retain a lot of it.
Anyway! Apparently, because I had some "issues" with being mature in class, some of my elementary school teachers just dismissed me. They didn't see that I could do what the assignment was and so much more. I think that I never got consistent good grades because I didn't care. But I don't remember much about back then.
Plus, now we have all this no bullying shit to deal with. Some stupid teachers think that we're so sensitive that being called names is extremely hurtful to us. And some kids are that sensitive, because of that very system!
I've also had several teachers that won't allow you to even say "shut up" to someone. You can't tell a high school kid that he can't say "shut up". It's stupid, and it's not like you're saying "you're a hopeless idiot" or anything!
Yeesh.
Actually, that's probly why my favorite teachers are the young ones. Not cause they're hot (although my friend on the other hand...), but because they can understand us better. They just went through high school and college and stuff recently, so they know what this stuff is like, and there isn't some giant generation gap or anything. They're also funny, because my geometry teacher gets angry and frustrated about a lot of the same things I do (when it comes to the annoying kids in my class), and watching her react is great, especially since it's only her second year teaching, and she doesn't quite know exactly how to deal with all the different types of kids. Ugh... HOLY CRAP! It's 4:20! AM! I thought it was like 2 or something... I gotta get to sleep. I don't remember what the point of all this was, so maybe I'll follow up on it tomorrow... yawn.
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