Sunday, March 12, 2006

Today was awesome. I had much fun with my friends. Friend Ca and friend B arrived first, and we played ssbm in the basement for a while. Then friend Ch got there, and we decided to go out for a while. And friend L came just as we were going out. Later, friend J came on his bike. We hung out on a hill for a while, some climbing trees, others talking, others throwing pinecones at people in trees...

"It's pronounced 'day-ku', not 'duku'! It's not spelled d-u-k-ooh, it's.... oops."

We were being stalked by little kids. Friend B kept making monkey sounds, and eventually we heard other voices responding to us a ways off. Then we noticed the kids darting around. So then we walked elsewhere, and quietly discussed the kids running along a different route to spy on us. We stopped for a while in front of my old house (A while back I moved almost literally across the street), and talked to my old neighbors. I then began walking towards where the kids where hiding behind some cars. Before the others followed me, I slowly turned and glared in the direction of the children. They immideately freaked and ran; I was greatly amused. I hate children.

Sadly, upon returning to my home, friend Ch had to leave. The rest of us went back to playing ssbm for a while. Then friends L and Ca left... so all that remained was me and friends B and J. When friend B's mother arrived, I left with them and friend J left on his bike.

So I went and ate pizza with friend B, then we left to another friend's house for a movie... Robin Hood: Men in Tights. It was hilarious. But mostly cause I couldn't stop laughing. They had to pause the movie like 5 times to wait for me to calm down. And it wasn't really even that funny, I just couldn't stop laughing for some reason...

Changing to a much less happy topic... I have made a decision. After much deliberation, I have decided that my oldest friend that I have currently is not worth my time anymore. I know that sounds cold, but I have my reasons.

It all started back when I didn't have a single friend, back when I was still in preschool. I met a kid one year older than me, Brad. After a while of playing (or whatever it was we did as kids), we became close friends, and were almost constantly at each others' houses. I thought that he was a great friend, and I knew nothing else. Of course, I got more friends as time went on, but I was never nearly as close with them as I was with Brad. Fast-forward to 6th grade. We were still great friends, but I finally had som friends that lived nearby besides him. During the spring of 2003, while walking back from the bus stop, he told me something that changed my life. He wasn't inviting me to his birthday party that year, because he could only invite two people. He was inviting Justin, his best friend, and James, a kid MY AGE that he had met THAT YEAR. Except I thought when someone was your best friend, you were his best friend too. I GUESS NOT. I wasn't so angry at first, but when I told my parents what happened, my mom said that I was grounded. Specifically, I couldn't interact with Brad for two weeks.

By the end of those two weeks, I didn't need him. In fact, I hated him completely. I looked back on all my memories with him. He was never really a friend; he used me. He had a learning disability, which was clearly beyond his control. But it made him bitter and jealous. I'm smart, not really a genius, but smarter than a lot of people in my grade. And I have an imagination that would probly give most people I know a headache. But he didn't possess those things; he was convinced that we always did what I wanted at either person's house, when the complete opposite was true. And when I said always at each other's houses, I meant that he practically lived at my house. His parents didn't let him have snacks, so he would come to my house for one. He didn't like the games he had, so he would play mine. When we were at his house, we never played his games. Well, we never played the good ones anyway. He had Super Mario 64 and Yoshi's Story. But they weren't two player, so we always ended up playing some crazy-ass motorcycle game that he always won at cause I never learned the controls. But apparently it was perfectly fine to play one player games at my house. He still has a file on most of my N64 games, just because it would eventually become "our" file and it was better. When we played with little toy cars or k'nex, I would always make my characters have seperate identities and origins. It would eventually get to some kind of importance that they had to save the world or at least a part of it. Or, it should have reached that point. He never had that. His ideas were lame, and he used the same every time. Almost every game we played ended up in a race. He would always find some incredibly boring way of bringing up racing. We would then make cars out of k'nex, and then race them around the room. He always won. If he was feeling merciful enough to let me win one race, his next character would have secretly acquired some super engine, or other shit like that. The point is, he had no imagination or individuality, and he constantly "played" with me for what I had, not who I was. But I had never known a friend before him, and I was completely oblivious at the time to all of this. Then, I was in fifth grade. He didn't invite me to his birthday, because he wanted to invite his friends that were his age. That, I could understand. But when he told me that I wasn't invited to his birthday party to my face for the second year in a row and instead invited a kid my age, I began to think. Think about how he had treated me my whole life. I realized something: Brad was an ass.

So I never played with him again, never called him or returned his messages, and barely said "hello" at the bus stop. I think he got the hint, though to this day I doubt that he knows why I hate him.

That story had two points: One, I really needed to say that. Two, I wanted to explain why I'm ending another friendship. In fifth grade, I met a kid named Siyu. He lived near me, and was a great influence on me. In fact, we were so similar that someone once said he was an asian version of me. Once I saw Brad for what he was, Siyu became my only real friend. I had some friends left, of course, but they weren't all that fun to be with. But at the end of sixth grade, Siyu Luo moved to Indiana. We kept in touch for a while, and then he just stopped calling. We've spoken online since then, but it had been more than a year since I had talked to him last, and he has become a different person. I no longer know Siyu Luo.

I mention Siyu because he was the first real friend I had, and life seemed great back then. But I made one other friend in sixth grade: David. He was a nice and funny guy, and we joked around a lot. In seventh grade, I had only two friends, David and friend J. By eighth I had only one more. But David... changed. I never really hung out with him until the summer of 2004. I think that's when he began to change. He went to my house, saw what my life was like... He became depressed in 8th grade, mostly because his parents completely sucked, and they still do. They're far too strict, pushing him too hard and not giving him the attention he needed.

I foolishly didn't notice his descent into complete despair until this year. I can no longer joke with him. I can't even jokingly call him stupid without him getting depressed. He ruins things for people, too. He's always been kinda socially awkward, never really responding to people. I was the same way, but I've grown out of it and now have many new friends. He hasn't. From what I've seen, he barely talks to people he doesn't know. But now... Let's say David and I are with my new group of friends, who he kinda hangs out with now. They're all laughing at a joke. He won't let it stop. He'll point out, loudly, another facet of the joke that's usually morbid. It's no longer funny, and he laughs. Everyone else has stopped laughing. They stare at him. That's how it goes. Then he'll think everyone hates him and get depressed again.

I was talking about David tonight with one of my new friends. After pointing out some of the more annoying things he does, I realized that he was just like Brad. He has been manipulating me. He comes to my house, and sees everything I have, and he is envious. He does nothing but play my one player games and look up stupid flash movies. He's horrible company. He waits until I'm asleep, then he'll look up porn. At his house, I usually just watch him play whatever game I brought. He is no longer any fun to be with. He is a constant drain on my time and energy. I have to reassure him that he is smart almost every day now, which is true. But he's not as smart as me. As long as I'm getting just a few points better on tests, and as long as his parents are driving his self-esteem into the ground, he will be depressed. And he will be using me.

I can only find three main differences between my friendships with Brad and David:
1. Brad is a year older than me.
2. Brad has a learning disability; David is depressed.
3. David can manipulate me far more and better than Brad ever could.

I have gone down this path before. I am seeing everything that I hate in Brad slowly appearing in David. I don't want to hate him. On monday, I am going to see my counselor to find out if I can get him to see the school social worker. It's the last thing I'm going to do for him, as his friend. From there, he will be just another person at school, another person to occasionally say hi to in the halls and in class.... I miss the old David, but there is no way to bring him back now. I need to move on. I have found better friends, friends that support me and care about what I do and think. And I care about them. David will never be the same in my eyes. I wish I could go back, to somehow fix what happened that made him this way.

But it looks like this is following a formula. I make a seemingly nice, good friend. They have a crappy home life and crappy parents. They find out what I have is much better, and they cling to me like a parasite, taking my energy and time, but giving nothing in return.

I don't want it to end the way it did with Brad. I'm going to figure out a way to remove him from my life without destroying what little confidence he has left...
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