Thursday, December 11, 2003

I want to be Dalai Lama!!
Okay, I enjoyed my day of going outness. For the last two day's I'd actually had feelings of not wanting to go, but I'm happy that I did.
We got Rach the best present ever! We also caught a tram to Goodwood and got Sera's dad some Prayer Flags, just cause she was showing me this cool shop Waste Not, Want Not and they had some and we were like "Cool, prayer flags!" well something like that, anyways I'd be happy if someone brought me prayer flags. They have this odd smell, it's a mix of really coolness and utter grossness. But they're still cool.

We had lunch at the Botanic Gardens which was cool. We discussed whether or not the tree we were sitting under was happy or sad, also if it was upset with having branches cut off and stuff. We then walked through the bamboo and looked at all the things that were scratched in them. There was a RIP Kurt Cobain and NIRVANA scratched into two different bamboo stalks. That was super cool.
There was a LED ZEPLIN as well, and a really sad message from someone who was obviously depressed. But it was cool. The ducks at the Botanic Gardens are really really cute!!

Hehe, I just put a reminder on Tamara's phone for Christmas and the alarm is to go off at 5AM. Man she's gonna be ape about that when it goes off. I think they'll be in Sydney then, I'm not sure.

I wanna go to QOTSA!!! Blah, need 68 bucks damn it!!! Neeeeeeeeeeeeed iiiitttt!!

*sigh*

It was a cool day. I kicked over two cups of coke from Maccas cause they were just sitting on the ground. That was amusing, I ended up with coke on my pants.

I got my grades yesterday, I did better than I thought I would. RA in Science though, but that's not surprising with me not doing much of the actuall work. I did however get a HA in the exam.
I got a HA in my Math exam and as my overall mark which is good cause I have a Math SACE unit from that, and a SACE unit from my Multimedia crap and also I managed to get one from Computing, which was a major surprise cause I didn't do a lot of work in that either, but it was cool.
Art was both HA's I'm happy for that. I feel better about my art at the moment. Photo I got SA's in both overall and exam marks.

OHH OHH! Dad got four lots of film developed and there are some cute as pictures of Jay, some crappy ones of me, some of Rach, Aimee and Teegan. There's one of Sera's face really close and one where she's hiding from the camera. The ones of Rach are amusing. She's so adorable.
There are some from Brit's formal but most of those are of her and her friends, nothing important to me. I shall scan a few later sometime. Hmm... and by that I mean right now.
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Tuesday, December 9, 2003

Follow that feeling!
Well I thought I was going nuts when ever I sang the likes "Its the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine" cause no one else seemed to know what I was singing, neither did I cause it was background music in a movie I saw and I liked the sound of it.
Songs are catchy like that. So anyways, while I'm on WinMX today I find an REM song, turns out that's what I've been singing for ages. w00! I'm not insane!!! *dances*

I've been listening to The Scientist by Coldplay for a while now. It's so sad and beautiful. When Coldplay made their debuet I didn't like them that much cause they seemed to play slow songs, but recently I've been feeling in the mood for melodious songs with a slow nature. I guess it's calming or someting as opposed to the other songs I like that add to shock value of my personality.

I got out of school early today cause my group finished everything so we were alowed to call home and get permission then sign out and go home.
I couldn't get though originally so I ended up leaving a message on Brit's voicemail pretending I was talking to her. Thus I got home earlier than I was obviously supposed to. w00! I have a peanut butter ad on my computer and I feel proud cause I helped to make it.
All I have to do tomorrow is write my evaluation, and wait around to get my report. Yaaaayy!! I also have to bring Nightmare Before Christmas to school so we can watch it. I love that movie.

If Ashy doesn't show up by the time I'm finished writing this and posting it, I'll go and call Sera to organise Thursday with her. We're so unorganised. Neither of us want to take charge you see... well, one of us is going to have to eventually.

You know what I don't get, canned laughter. What's with it? Since when do people have to be told when to laugh, you know. If someone finds something funny they'll laugh, if they don't they won't. Most of the time I find things without the canned laughter more funny. I hate canned laughter.

I'm all alooneeee.

The dude in King of Queens reminds me of Andy.

I WANNA SEE QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE!!! Baaahhh!! I won't have $68 to buy a ticket with though and I don't know anyone who'd be able to go. Naomi probably wouldn't mind, but I doubt she can spare the money. I wannnaaaaa gooooooooo... *dies*

I removed the purple off my fingernails and did them white, but they went yuckky so I took that off and did them black.
Man that's so superficial... watch me stab my eyes out.

Well I have nothing more to ramble about, so I shall be going and posting this. Ashlee hasn't shown up so I'm calling Sera.
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Monday, December 8, 2003

Poster Child
I took a Soundgarden poster from the music room today I was also going to take the one of Billy Corgan and some other guy. But Libby told me not to take any more.

My toenails are white. Go me!

I spent my entire weekend at Naomi and E’s. ‘Twas funlyful.
Two day’s left of school! Yaynessssssss… *dances like a monkey on crack*

I have to paint the nails on my other hand in a bit. Purple.

Done and done.

On saturday night we were playing with tampons and putting them in water with food colouring, they looked so disgusting. Then we went outside and threw them at the back neighbours wall. It was so fuckin' funny.
Two of them got stuck to the wall.

We plan on going gnoming one day when one of us gets a car.

I'm out shopping on Thursday. Rach's christmas present. She's gonna love it.
Then we gotta organise when all three of us, Sera, Rach and me are going to have christmas together.
I could ask Sera if I can stay at her place on Wednesday night that way we can go to town at anytime when we're ready.

I downloaded many a polyphonic ringtones on Tamara's new phone today.
'Twas cool.
I saw some Nirvana ones but she wouldn't let me put those on. Ah well... fly!!

hmmm.. two days, then holidaynes. Christmasness...
I have to get Brit something cause she's been nice to me lately.
Naomi and E's presents are easy, well Naomi's is. I'll get E a stuffed animal or something cute from Shin Tokyo.

Peanut butter rocks.
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Monday, December 1, 2003

Join the masquerade
I feel like entretaining my thoughts for a while. So yes, I will be writing about myself or things I just think in general.

I tend to have a habit of talking to myself in my thoughts and/or inanimate objects. I also discuss these conversations I have with myself, which seemingly gets me no where fast. Anyway, these cinversations could be basis for beginings of blog posts, emails or letters.
Just before I was thinking about my current mental state.

I've said it many times to my friend Sera that I believe I am but a reflection of everyone I know. I'm a product of their feelings and thoughts, by this I mean that none of my feelings are truly mine and my bleak thoughts aren't either.
I usually claim thing during the times when I question myself, who I am and why I am what I am.
I remember when I was 5 I thought something along the lines of suppressing anger and other emotions in the hopes of becoming sick, I thought this when my primary school counsellor was teaching us about the importance of expressing emotions and stuff cause of the whole "iceberg" or "steaming kettle" effect. Anyway, I have no idea why I thought that, but it wasn't present in my mind for a long while.

In year 8 and 9 I wanted to be fucked up, I'm sure that was reason enough for me to be fucked up. It's not normal to want to be depressed or have any other mental illness. Which is why I'm positive I'm not actually mentally ill, just delusional.
There is no way possible there is anything wrong with the workings of my mind.
People may be insistant on telling me so, but I feel it's not true. Maybe I'm just undergoing a symptom of Bipolar, or maybe I'm just being a stupid little shit like I usually am.
I guess I finally started to belive myself when I was busy wishing I was depressed or something. But I don't believe that my veiws differing to many peoples makes me mentally ill. I may partake in overly eccentric behaviour at times, that's only to weird people out. I may be morbid, twisted and a freak child but that does not make me mentally ill.
I do not need to speak to a psychitrist or a counsellor or sort of person whom apparently will help me to conform to their way of thinking because it's plesent and nice. It makes me puke. I do not need to be treated like I'm suicidal because I release emotionally by cutting myself. I feel better for doing it. Why won't people let me live my life my way? I can't I do what I know is right by me?
I know what I'm doing, and as long as I know what I'm doing it can't hurt me. It can't hurt me!

Fuck I'm such a typical angsty teen. I hate myself. I hate everything.
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Welcome to "My Otaku" also known as my last resort to blog.
If anyone feels the need to get some sort of background kind of thing on me feel free to go to Violent Sidewalk. It was my original Web Log before the shit hit the fan.

So I sit here in the hopes my parents and anyone else I don't want seeing this, well sees this.

I'll give Ash a link for this or something sometime. She'll be happy to know I'm managing to post some sort of gibbering crap that usually spurts its way out of my mind either when I'm bored off my nut or when it happens to be late at night and I'm not all there in the head.
But I'm sure no one would really give a flying fuck about anything I may happen to come up with from my basic thoughts or contempt. I'm pretty sure if I weren't me and in another person's body with another person's mind veiwing all the things I did, said and typed I'd hate me like there was no devil. But then I figure I'm only thinking this because I spend so much time in my head finding new ways to piss myself off and hate myself by being self-analytical. Could be a down-fall.
But then, I'm sure once I have time to forget about this and then read it again I'll not agree with myself for I probably would of found a different frame of mind on the way I am.
None the less, I still won't like myself any more than I do at the moment.
Perhaps I just feel so wrong for saying "I'm the best I can be and for that I like who I am." I feel wrong for just typing that. Maybe it's from my intense fear of being selfish. I've been told many times that I'm not, but isn't my claiming I am a ways of getting conversation to be about me and thus making me selfish?
What ever it is, I doubt anyone really cares for these thoughts.

I've come to reasoning that most people who blog use it as a means of escapism. Even if by the way they write or what they write about they're still escaping from something. Be it conscious thought or some sorts of problem in their life or with themselves.
The reason many people like video games is because you don't have to deal with what's going on in the real world, it's the ideal place to go and fantasise.
Any sort of obsession would pretty much classify as a means of running away from reality. Personally I'm indifferent to how and why others decide that living in a fake world of perfection is better than anything real and tangible. All I seem to manage to focus on is why I do the things I do. Which comes back to my point of me being selfish. To quote Charles Lamb "How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"
Anyone who say's they don't think of themselves above others when they're sick or know something is wrong with them is a lier. I try to be altruistic, but I still think about myself more than I think about other people. But I'm sick of writing about myself now, I shall go and be merry and make joy with the people whom I share living arrangments with.

Of couse I hate them all.
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