Monday, December 1, 2003

Join the masquerade
I feel like entretaining my thoughts for a while. So yes, I will be writing about myself or things I just think in general.

I tend to have a habit of talking to myself in my thoughts and/or inanimate objects. I also discuss these conversations I have with myself, which seemingly gets me no where fast. Anyway, these cinversations could be basis for beginings of blog posts, emails or letters.
Just before I was thinking about my current mental state.

I've said it many times to my friend Sera that I believe I am but a reflection of everyone I know. I'm a product of their feelings and thoughts, by this I mean that none of my feelings are truly mine and my bleak thoughts aren't either.
I usually claim thing during the times when I question myself, who I am and why I am what I am.
I remember when I was 5 I thought something along the lines of suppressing anger and other emotions in the hopes of becoming sick, I thought this when my primary school counsellor was teaching us about the importance of expressing emotions and stuff cause of the whole "iceberg" or "steaming kettle" effect. Anyway, I have no idea why I thought that, but it wasn't present in my mind for a long while.

In year 8 and 9 I wanted to be fucked up, I'm sure that was reason enough for me to be fucked up. It's not normal to want to be depressed or have any other mental illness. Which is why I'm positive I'm not actually mentally ill, just delusional.
There is no way possible there is anything wrong with the workings of my mind.
People may be insistant on telling me so, but I feel it's not true. Maybe I'm just undergoing a symptom of Bipolar, or maybe I'm just being a stupid little shit like I usually am.
I guess I finally started to belive myself when I was busy wishing I was depressed or something. But I don't believe that my veiws differing to many peoples makes me mentally ill. I may partake in overly eccentric behaviour at times, that's only to weird people out. I may be morbid, twisted and a freak child but that does not make me mentally ill.
I do not need to speak to a psychitrist or a counsellor or sort of person whom apparently will help me to conform to their way of thinking because it's plesent and nice. It makes me puke. I do not need to be treated like I'm suicidal because I release emotionally by cutting myself. I feel better for doing it. Why won't people let me live my life my way? I can't I do what I know is right by me?
I know what I'm doing, and as long as I know what I'm doing it can't hurt me. It can't hurt me!

Fuck I'm such a typical angsty teen. I hate myself. I hate everything.
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