Thursday, January 15, 2004

Worst post ever

Okay, so no-one’s online and I’m major bored and stuffs, so I shall take time out and do an actual blog post kind of post. Yes, I shall.

For those whom know/knew me personally throughout last year, the year before and well, the beginnings of this year would know I’m not always the easiest person to put up with. Seeing as I have a habit of having sudden mood swings from being really happy or feeling great [which I fear don’t get expressed much when they do happen] to me just being irritable, sad, cynical and just pessimistic.
Most also know I’m bisexual and happen to have an interest in one of my good friends. Which is very complicated at the moment.

You see, I like her heaps, so much that it makes the line of like and love hazy. I mean I’d do anything if it meant she’d be happy. [Although I’m sure I’d do that for many of my friends, but not to the same extent for her.] So, here I am, happy as a clam whenever I’m around her, now before I use the word “her” too much I’ll just start using her name, Sera [Sarah]. I love being around her, we have a good time and even though when we start taking the piss out of each other I do end up kicking and/or biting her she’s still happy and willing to be my friend, often telling me that a few bruises are nothing in the long run when I apologise.

Any way, our friendship/relationship is extremely confusing at times. She herself is bisexual too. She also has her share of mental-ness.
Often when we’re out together we’ll hold hands and stop and hug and its just really sweet.

So, a week or so ago I sent her an SMS with the typical kind of thing saying all this stuff to do with liking her and what not and asking what she thinks of me because in all honesty I don’t know.
In the end I fucked things up, and she believes she did, and we’re both so scared of the fact that we could have ruined everything we’ve spent the whole past year making, going through and experiencing.
I have taken the step to resolution and asked her to hang out sometime, if she wants to that is. That way we can talk and work all this out.

For those that don’t know me well I have an awful habit of thinking too much about the things I’ve done and said and being over self-analytical which ends up with me believing people should hate me for certain reasons, making more of them and eventually believing they do.
I spent most of last year in the company of Sera and Rach two of the best friends I had at school [I’d like to point out they were in year 12 and therefore no longer will be at school when it commences this year.] we had tonnes of fun together and Rach was fine with the fact that we were both bi, and she was great to talk to and always managed to make me smile and I always loved making her smile.
And because of the fact that they did bitch about some of the year 12s they hated I started to believe that they bitch about me when I’m not there and that they both hate me. So I often felt like an idiot when Sera looked at me. If I hadn’t opened my metaphorical mouth I’d probably still be happily thinking I was an important part of their lives, while ever so doubting that I was worth their time and not believing that I really was important.
I guess its one of those human nature things.
Not the band. Bad music.

I guess this covers a lot of my thoughts of late. Thank you if you actually read through all this without being bored.
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