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Saturday, January 17, 2004


Remember me through flash photography and screams.... remember me, special dreams

You know how there's always that painful feeling you get in your chest when something happens in a Romance Movie and the "lovers" break up and go through all those tears and memories and ice cream. And deep down you feel sad, but don't want to cry because its a movie and you just don't think its right to cry because of that fact, and you long for them to get back together so it doesn't hurt anymore and you'll be happy and they'll be happy.
I love and hate that feeling. Hate it more than love... but I guess thats how it is with a lot of things, a massive Love/Hate relationship.

"Christlike, whipped and weak
Painted nails driven through the meek
Yet in obituary
My dreams still weep
Of dark blood and fucking thee"


I'm being incredibly selfish of late. But for once I feel like I deserve it. I'm allowed to wallow in self-pitty/hate/angst because I've done all that I can at the moment to try and fix what I've ruined. So, in the end I'm getting my arse kicked majorly by Karma and I just have to put up with it.
I don't know how I'll cope if I've ruined the only thing that kept me alive last year. I always had the feeling I'd never live past high school... I'm so fucking scared.
I think I have to get out of this house, I'm starting to feel suffocated. Its too much. This house is the reason I am who I am, the people moreso than the house, a building can't define character...
I'm sorry.

Its not right for me to be selfish.

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