Sunday, December 12, 2004

   Be forewarned the following post is extremely self pitying annoying and rude. I advise not reading it but I really had to write it.
So yeah I couldn't sleep cause I am heaps lonely. You know everyday I see more and more clearly that humans were not meant to be alone. One or two days without friends you can get over ut not a whole life time. I am so sick of pretending that I am not always sad and to make matters worse my bitch who I thought was my friend just refuses to admit she has no idea of what I am going through cause people always listen to her and she has heaps of friends everywhere. She keeps giving me this bullshit about how yeah I know. Like hell you do bitch! To make matters worse everyone htinks i am happy and noone believes I have no friends those stupid arseholes. Everyone just thinks, so I am not her friend surely someone else is, don't worry about the fact that this girl is completely alone and just wanting to talk to someone I am too busy to even talk to her well FUCK YOU! I hate them those stupid dickheads.
And to make matters worse I can't even kill myself, it is like everything in me wants to, I feel like shit and even the logical sensible part of my brain just keeps saying well I didn't want to make love a competition but the only way you can win is suicide. But for some reason I can't do it. For one thing I can't find anything sharp enough. I mean seriously have you ever tried to slash your wrist with a blunt pair of scissors, you make a royal mess of you arm but not much blood loss which is essentially the point of slashing one's wrists! But I think it is just that I am too weak I mean if I had the guts I could kill myself with anything pretty sharp. It isn't the pain it is something else, but what? I must find out so I can kill it then die in peace!
And wouldn't you know my dickhead brother is back from uni, right on cue arsehole! He is such a bastard he hates me and takls so much shit about me to all his dickhead friends. But it is OK cause I am over this whole doing the right thinkg and decided I just plain old hate him which makes me feel much better than trying to make him not hate me. Yep I try to love people but there I three people I will never be able to love, my brother, my mother and of course everyones favorite enemy ME! I mean everyone else hates me why shouldn't I! I am an ugly selfish bitch with no friends who always annoys these people who aren't even friends cause I can't seem to keep it to myself.
I was all set to move to Sydney too and then I remembered I would have to live with my parents another year! Besides mum told me she wanted me to move out anyway. The worst thing about my mother is everyone thinks she's so fucking wonerful just cause she's the ministers wife and she acts all nice in public, stupid, fucking bitch!
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