Wednesday, June 22, 2005

   She's doing okay...

Mood: Refreshed Music: Motivation, Sum 41 My day went all right. My mother came home from the hospital, but we all think that she should have stayed, she looks really horrible..x.x Good news is that they found out what was wrong with her finally after a year and a half...;-; The problem was that her pancreas had collapsed..o.o! How does that take a year and half to figure out?! They had to blow her pancrease up like a balloon and drain the infection. Hmm, they didn't even open her up..o.o Wow technology these days. On other news my best-friend wont be able to come over 'til next week, the same week that I babysit. That's alright though, because it should be fun..^^ I wont be so bored either. "Motivation" What's the difference of never knowing at all? When every step I take is always too small. Maybe it's just something I can't admit but lately, I feel like I don't give a shit. Motivation such an aggravation, Accusations don't know how to take them. Inspiration's getting hard to fake it. Concentration's never hard to break it. Situation never what you want it to be. What's the point of never making mistakes? Self-indulgence is such a hard habit to break. It's all just a waste of time in the end. I don't care so why should I even pretend. Motivation such an aggravation, Accusations don't know how to take them. Inspiration's getting hard to fake it. Concentration's never hard to break it. Situation never what you want it. Nothing's new, everything's the same. It keeps on dragging me down, it's getting kind of lame. I'm falling further behind, there's nothing to explain. No matter what you say nothing's gonna change my mind. Can't depend on doubt until the end. It seems like leaving friends has become This years trend and though I can't pretend. It's fine to be mislead. It's not the same but who's to blame, For all those stupid things I never said. Motivation such an aggravation, Accusations don't know how to take them. Inspiration's getting hard to fake it. Concentration's never hard to break it. Motivation such an aggravation, Accusations don't know how to take them. Inspiration's getting hard to fake it. Concentration's never hard to break it. Situation never what you want it to be. Never what you want it to be. Never what you want it to be. Oh sorry again that I didn't comment on some sites..v.v; I have to keep the line open so I can only get on to update at 12:00 to whenever I got to bed. Have a great day! Ending mood: Alright Ending music: The Union, Taking Back Sunday

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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

   It's just one of those days..

Mood: Not to sure anymore Music: Make a Move, Lostprophets I don't really know what to say. Yesterday was just pretty blah. I didn't really do anything. I made a new background...That's just about it. Other than at the end of my day my dad flew off his hinges and so my mother and I took a ride to town and back so that we could talk...It was mainly mother talking considering I'm not much of the talker to begin with. I don't know....Today my friend Ailahwolf will hopefully get to come over though, maybe things will look better later? Oh, if I just stop posting without warning it's because I'm getting my computer whiped out to get rid of that lopcom on my computer that wont go away no matter what I do to get rid of it. I'm not sure when though, it maybe today, or tomorrow. Make A Move" So are we lost or do we know Which direction we should go Sit around and wait for someone to take our hands and lead the way Cause every day we're getting older And every day we all get colder We're sick of waiting for our answers Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Yeah so tired of waiting, waiting for us to Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Yeah I'm so sick of waiting, for us to make a move Are we meant to take the pain Should we sit around and wait Are we being saved Or was I another lie you made to make us hate Cause every day we're getting older And every day we all get colder We're sick of waiting for our answers Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Yeah so tired of waiting, waiting for us to Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Yeah I'm so sick of waiting, for us to make a move Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, And we will never lose Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, it's time to make a move Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, And we will never lose Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, it's time to make a... move! It's not enough To let it run Where's the truth It's all wrong We're so sick of waiting for our answers... Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Yeah I'm so tired of waiting, waiting for us to Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Yeah I'm so sick of waiting, for us to make a move Wake up, wake up, wake up And we will never lose Wake up, wake up, wake up It's time to make a move Wake up, wake up, wake up And we will never lose Wake up, wake up, wake up Make a move (move, move, move, move). That's all that I have to say for now I guess. I'm trying to comment on the peoples sites that comment on mine. If I don't make it to yours it's because I got online pretty late. Ending mood: Still not sure Ending music: Bottom of a Bottle, Smile Empty Soul

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Monday, June 20, 2005

   Sweeepy...z.z'

Mood: Sleepy Music: I'd Kill To Fall Asleep, New Found Glory -Yawns widely.- So sleepy...-takes a minute nap.- Okay back to the post. Whee, I don't have to babysit 'til nextweek so when my friend comes over it'll be baby free hopefully. My mother is going to the hospital on Tuesday to get some tests done to see about somethings with her gut area. I don't know what's wrong, but it wont be the first times she's been in the hospital for the same thing. I do hope they figure out what is wrong. On another note of business my mother still trying to give me a guilt trip just because I wanted a small break from babysitting...x.x; It's like grrr, I get the point. Meh, my mother just doesn't understand how I don't get along with little kids. I'm not one of those people can go up to a child and be all energetic with them and playful. I am more of an apathetic person than anything..O.o; Oh well, it's a good thing that I'm not going to have any children..^^! "I'd Kill To Fall Asleep" Eyes open, I'm wide awake I feel I'm in a coma state I'll lay here on my back and watch the fan turn Conversations cross my mind, but not that of the speaking kind TV images repeat there one line Back and forth I toss and turn It feels like strings are holding up my eyes I'd kill to fall asleep I'd kill to fall asleep I'm putting up a losing fight I'll never see this end tonight The thought of just one dream it consumes me Numbers on the clock turn back, my pills are having no effect The beating of my heart keeps the time going Back and forth I toss and turn It feels like strings are holding up my eyes I'd kill to fall asleep I'd kill to fall asleep They say that when you sleep your body's at rest I wouldn't know what sleep felt like if I tried my best If polaroids and memories can fade away, so can I... Back and forth I toss and turn It feels like strings are holding up my eyes I'd kill to fall asleep I'd kill to fall asleep I'd kill to fall asleep I'd kill to fall asleep I'd kill.... Well I better get some sleep. I need it after not having that much sleep. Oh, and sorry I didn't get to comment..x.x my computer is being mean and so I'm trying not to use the internet explorer that much. But I will when I can. Tatata for now. Ending Mood: Falling Asleep Ending Music: Stupify, Disturbed

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Sunday, June 19, 2005

   Visitings and Malls.

Mood: Calm, hungry, tired. Music: Somewhere I Belong, Link Park Yay, I'm over at Ailahwolfs right now so that's why I haven't gotten to update as early as I usually do. I'll be going home in a few hours though..^^ We went to the mall and it was all fun up to the end. If you need to know what happened at the end you can visit her site..^^! Well I got some more manga..XD I got volume 3 and 5 of Descendatns of Darkness. You maybe wondering "Why did you skip four." Well I used to have volume three, but one of my friends barrowed it and they misplaced it, but they gave me the money for it. With that money I replaced it..^^ I also got the second volume of Hana-Kimi...I haven't gotten to read it yet, but Ailah has and she was laughing at it..^^ So I can't wait to read it. Other than that we got stuck babysitting over at her house when her nephews weren't supposed to be there..@.@ Wheeee two. So I don't know if I'm babysitting next week or not, my mom wont make up her mind. Oh the job applying never happened..O.o' My mother and I were going to go after my mother got back from town so then we could go to the other town that she works so I could pick up applications, but instead we ended up making round abouts to my house because my mother lost her money...x.x; Oh which reminds me.. I can't find my Noic mini dvd of Noir..x.x! I put it back in it's case the other day and the next morning I was going to watch it again and it wasn't in the case anymore..o.o I think my house is eating things again..>->' "Somewhere I Belong" (When this began) I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me (I was confused) And I let it all out to find That I’m not the only person with these things in mind (Inside of me) But all the vacancy the words revealed Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel (Nothing to lose) Just stuck/ hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own [Chorus] I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long (Erase all the pain till it’s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong And I’ve got nothing to say I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face (I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (So what am I) What do I have but negativity ’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me (Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own [Repeat Chorus] I will never know myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed I will never be anything till I break away from me I will break away, I'll find myself today [Repeat Chorus] I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong Somewhere I belong Well I better get going now. My mother will probably call here soon saying she's is on her way. I'll try commenting later if I can, depends on what's all going on at home. Ending Mood: Starving, Beginning Headach, still tired. Ending Music: My Immortal, Evanescence

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Friday, June 17, 2005

   Job hunting

Mood: Mellow With My Music..XD Music: Given, Seether Whoo, a better day, but my mother tried to guilt trip me...X.X Wheee. But today we're supposed to go application hunting so I can get a job...^^! Yay. It'll have to be on my mothers hours until I get my license, but when I start College I'll get to quit..@.@ So it's just mainly a summer job. After that I'll have to wait to get my license and have a car to get anohter job. Hehehe, I'm going to use the money that I make with this job to try and get a car of my choice. I know that my parents will help out on buying it. I still have to babysit next week, but if AilahWolf gets to come with me I know that it wont be so bad..^^! I hope that they let her stay over. I just have to talk to my mother about it so that she can talk to my sister about it. I know if I asked my sister she'd probably say no, but if my mom says something about it then she'll say yes. Isn't that messed up..@.@ Maybe they'll see that I'll be a little happier and not so bored if I had a friend over there. Heh, no offense to my cousin, but she's not that entertaining..O.o' Heh. Oh, I know I've been listening to Seether a lot lately, but I just love his new cd..XD Karma and Effect. It's so awsome. My favorite songs on there is "Remedy" and "Truth", but truth would have to be my favorite from the album..^^ "Given" Trust all the things I tell you are true Dress up in your best So I can be proud of you And never believe I won't turn on you And never believe I do this for you... You're leading me on again And I find it yeah I like it And I'm reeling in awe for sure Now I know it was given to me Given to me, given to me... How I wish I could be rid of the ennui Make you regret and make you afraid of me And never believe I do this for me And never believe I'll do this gently Can't believe in broken promises And render conscious all of me I'll tell you it's all for you Then deny it Well I shall come back with job applications....O.o' Oh this should be fun to fill out. Meep which also means I need to prepare a resume....x.x; Better days to come? Ending mood: Ahhh an itchy nose! Ending Music: Simplest Mistake, Seether

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Thursday, June 16, 2005

   Grah!!!!!!!!!

Mood: Tired and still aggrivated Music: Just Like You, Three Days Grace Hey everyone. My day was alright 'til near the end of it..v.v; My cousin and I were going to stay the night at my house again and my mother was going to go and get my niece in the morning so that we could take her to the park. I was going to take my cousin out to the movies, but no my mother suggests once again renting movies. Not like there was anything interesting to watch at the theatre. After we went to town and rented some dvds my sister called and was all upset that my cousin and I wasn't going to come over there. Well here's a small newsflash for her. !Neither of us want to be over at her house or my grandmothers house.! My mom has this 'deal', that if we switched weeks then she'd give us fifty dollars each for it. That means I would have to babysit next week and my cousin the week after that. I know how my mother is, she usually always says she'll give me money for doing my chores, but she never did, never has, so why should I trust her? I told her I would do it, but that I wasn't going to be happy. Hmph, like I was happy to begin with. My mom says after that week I wont have to babysit anymore. I better not or I'll be one pissed off gal, and I'm not a very nice person when I'm mad or aggrivated. I tend to be a little stubborn. Meh, am I just being stubborn, or doesn't my mom and sister get that I don't like little kids at all to begin with and that's why I never like babysitting in the first place? I could be mean I could be angry You know I could be just like you I could be fake I could be stupid You know I could be just like you You thought you were standing beside me You were only in my way You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you You thought you were there to guide me You were only in my way You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you You thought you were there to guide me You were only in my way You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you I could be cold I could be ruthless You know I could be just like you I could be weak I could be senseless You know I could be just like you You thought you were standing beside me You were only in my way You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you You thought you were there to guide me You were only in my way You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you You thought you were there to guide me You were only in my way You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you On my own, cause I can’t take liven with you I’m alone, so I won’t turn out like you Want me to You thought you were standing beside me You were only in my way You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you You thought you were there to guide me You were only in my way You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you You thought you were there to guide me You were only in my way You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you I could be mean I could be angry You know I could be just like you As you can probably tell that I have changed my site around. All of this came to be with my aggrivation, just something to get it off of my mind, and plus listening to my music. I would like to thank everyone that wished me well, and I know I still need it. I know that once this baby crap is over with I should be back to my normal self. Hoping for better days Ending Mood: Just tired, stubborn Ending Music: Little Devotional, Taking Back Sunday

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Wednesday, June 15, 2005

   Stressed.

Mood: Aggrivated, (Second time typig this), Sad. Music: Never Leave, Seether (In a Seether mood too.) Yesterday or the few minutes ago was really crappy..x.x! When dinner was ready I wasn't hungry and I don't eat when I'm not hungry. Makes sense right? Well later on during the afternoon I go downstairs after I do get hungry to get some dinner and warm it up in the microwave, but no, my mother was just kind enough not to save me any. Then just not long ago I went to call StormofSerenity, but her friend was using the phone, but when I hung the phone up my phone some how calls people back when I hang up on them. Well my mother answers it at the same time as me, and by this time her friend is really confused, and my mom tries to tell that it's to late to be calling anyone. What the fuck! I'm eighteen for crying out loud. People younger than me are allowed on the phone later than this. Grah, then it's my niece, and my cousin, my sister, all of them are really aggrivating me. Will I fall again into dismay? Will I be ashamed of crying? And I know it's never been the way that I described But I am afraid of trying She's the one who keeps me all excited She keeps me begging for more She's the one who deems me uninvited Now it's over Never leave me, and don't deceive me I'll keep on crawling my friend Never tease me and don't leave me here It's all the same in the end Now I find that I am weaker fake That I am ashamed of lying And I know things never feel the way that's right inside And I am afraid of dying 'Cause you're the one who keeps me all excited You keep me begging for more You're the one who keeps uninvited Now it's over Never leave me, and don't deceive me I'll keep on crawling my friend It's only a symbol you're got me falling away And I am afraid Take back what I said It's all the same in the end It's all the same in the end It's all the same in the end It's only a symbol Well I hope that today will be a better day for me. If not I'll just go on with some more crying..x.x I guess you can say that I'm just really stressed out and need a long vacation from them, but that will never happen I know that for sure. Ending mood: Still aggrivated, but not crying anymore Ending Music: Given, Seether

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Tuesday, June 14, 2005

   -Grumble-

Mood: Waking Up Music: The Clincher, Chevelle Last night my sister and my brother-in-law took all of us out to eat, but taking my niece was the biggest mistake..@.@ She was fine while everyone went and got their food, but when we were all sitting down ready to eat is when she was going to be a brat. When my sister went and got the brats food, and she wouldn't eat it, she wouldn't even let us feed it to her. She got out of her chair and just started running around the restraunt and so my sister had to follow her around. My sister didn't even get to eat her food..x.x! I would've strapped the brat down to a chair or something. On the way home she was screaming that she was hungry...>< She kepty going, "Num! Num!" Baby talk and all. Grrr. I'm not going to babysit next week. I don't care what they say, I'm not. What I have to look forward to...Well nothing really...My sister has babysitting scheduled in for me, but I'm not going to let her run my summer with babysitting. x.x; Meh, after I start college my sister is going to have the twins and my niece to take of and she wont have me to babysit...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll be gone and on my own by the time she'd be asking for my help. If she does I'll say NO. Hehehe, I know that sounds cruel and everything, but I'm sick of people making plans for me, and not telling or asking if I had anything planned to do. "The Clincher" Touch I'll stand for nothing less Or never stand again These are the limits when one's buried This body's left the soul Could we have known Never would I, helped to nail down Careful of drifting off Now losing taste and touch Turning a pale blue leaning in to say This body's left the soul The brain needs oxygen Can't sneak around this bait His catacomb has got me by the chin This body's left the soul [Chorus] Could we have known Never would I, helped to nail down With nothing to gain Here's the clincher, this should be you Now saturate [x4] and touch Now saturate [x3], the earth Now saturate [x3], the earth [Last chorus] This happened to be never changing Holding inside, the phobia of you Made cold and crippled, ending it all Okay enough of my complaining..^^ I'll let you get back to your life, so you all can complain about it and so on...O.o' -Blinks.- Hehehe. Ending Music: Bodies, Drowning Pool Ending Mood: Evil?

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Monday, June 13, 2005

   Fun, then torture...O.o

Mood: Sore, but happy. Music: Truth, Seether Whee, I'm back to babysitting, but that pool party was loads of fun..^^! We were swimming most of the time, and during the end of it we made this huge whirl pool. In it we made a chain of people and the one in the front had to pull all the other people linked in the chain around with the current of the whirl pool. Hehehe then we or some people played games, I was playing one of the Sim Cities, and I didn't go to bed 'til 2:22 a.m. Wow, that's really late for me, considering I don't usually go to bed that later..z.z' Well, now that I am over at my sisters house it's back to the torture of babysitting..x.x! Right now they all went to visit my grandmother-in-law in rehab. "Truth" If I gave you the truth, would it keep you alive? Though I'm closer to wrong I'm no further from right And now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me Convinced on the inside, you're so much more than me, yeah No there's nothing you say that can salvage the lie But I'm trying to keep my intentions disguised And now I'm deprived of my conscience and something's got to give Deprived of my conscience This all belongs to me, yeah I'm beaten down again, I belong to them Beaten down again, I've failed you I'm weaker now my friend, I belong to them Beaten down again, I've failed you The deception you show is your own parasite Just a word of advice you can heed if you like And now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me Convincd on the inside you're so much more than me, yeah I'm beaten down Oh and today is StormofSerenity's birthday! Happy birthday!! I got to send her a little package today...I hope she likes it..^^! Now, I better go for now. I'll try to check on sites later to comment. Have a great day! Ending Music: Interlude/Outro Seether

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Sunday, June 12, 2005

   Mpf.

Mood: Lost... Music: Down With The Sicknes, Disturbed Hmm, I woke up, and I don't have a clue where either of my parents are...-Blinks.- My moms car is here and so is my dads, but no one else is in the house but me. Wheee, all the confusion! Well today I get to go to my friends pool party! Yay! Hmm, lastnight was alright I guess...I got rid of my cousin for the while, but I'll have to put up with her for another week..X.X! Argh, she's so annoying though. I think it's more of her and her immaturity that bugs me. Other than that all last night I played FMA, and I figured out that I'm still missing a graphic..I was like What?! I found that graphic I know I did, because I marked it off, and plus I went through the thing to make sure which one I needed..x.x' Now I have to go through the game for a 4th time. Just to get one lousy graphic. And it's like located in the middle of the game, so I'm better off beating it all over again. Meh, but today Ailahwolf gets her PS2 back from me, so that'll have to be some other time..@.@ Oh well, I'll live. "Down With The Sickness" Drowning deep in my sea of loathing Broken your servant I kneel It seems what's left of my human side Is slowly changing in me Looking at my own reflection When suddenly it changes Violently it changes (oh no) There is no turning back now You've woken up the demon in me [Chorus:] Get up, come on get down with the sickness [x3] Open up your hate, and let it flow into me Get up, come on get down with the sickness You mother get up come on get down with the sickness You fucker get up come on get down with the sickness Madness is the gift, that has been given to me I can see inside you, the sickness is rising Don't try to deny what you feel (Will you give in to me?) It seems that all that was good has died And is decaying in me It seems you're having some trouble In dealing with these changes Living with these changes (oh no) The world is a scary place Now that you've woken up the demon in me [Chorus x2] (And when I dream) [x4] No mommy, don't do it again Don't do it again I'll be a good boy I'll be a good boy, I promise No mommy don't hit me Why did you have to hit me like that, mommy? Dont do it, you're hurting me Why did you have to be such a bitch Why don't you, Why don't you fuck off and die Why can't you just fuck off and die Why can't you just leave here and die Never stick your hand in my face again bitch FUCK YOU I don't need this shit You stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore How would you like to see how it feels mommy Here it comes, get ready to die [Chorus (last line changed to "Madness has now come over me")] I'm going to go and beat FMA for the 3rd time for now and get ready for the pool party! Have a great day! Ending Music: All My Problems, Smile Empty Soul

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