Sunday, August 20, 2006

   I feel like crap still
Do you ever get the distinct feeling that even though you have many freinds that you still are very much alone and by yourself? See, I never knew for sure that that was actually possible, until last night. I was upset, and I kept making cold comments and jests back and forth and not even one picked up on it. And the sad thing is, is that no one said they were going to miss me at all last night or today. I was just ready for everyone to leave. I hate how everyone says they're going to visit me at college, when really, I know the truth. They're just saying that. Shit happens I get it, but they don't. It's just one of those "fill-ins" you know? It just has been really hard this past week and I thought last night's sleep over was going to make me feel better. Nope, on the contrary, it just made me feel worse. I'm like in a depressed funk, and I can't get out of it. Like two weeks ago I wasn't ready to leave. But now I kind of am, because my friends right now, don't get me. There's just nothing, or really, no one special to come up and visit during breaks anymore except family. I don't know what I'm going to do....
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Monday, July 24, 2006

   Unexpectedly I realized....
Lately, I have noticed many things can happen unexpectedly all at once. Sometimes good and sometimes bad. Recently though, I have come to the realization that though they mostly seem unexpected to me, they really shouldn't be. Here I was, thinking and saying to others "What did I ever do? I never did anything to cause this drama, so why is it that everyone seems to have a problem with me?", when really, I (as in ME), was causing problems. Maybe not physically, but verbally. Not in hurtful words, but the way I exressed my feelings. Granted, I've always said not many people understand me and my personality, which truely no one does, but, maybe I should try to express myself better. Maybe instead of complaining I should make an effort as well as not be SO scared of what others may think. That is one of my biggest problems. My other problem is being too realistic. Maybe once I would like to act out without any doubts and just DO IT. Just anything. Just act upon an urge. Sure i did that with Josh but, it ended badly, or really, just didn't feel right... I want to act on something for once and not have a single regret. I just want it to be a positvie experience. I don't know. I'm not even in one of those depressed moods. I can't explain it. I just felt I needed to type this all out so it's in front of my eyes and I can see what I need to work on, as well as, just... DO.
I'll post in later I guess.
Night
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Saturday, July 22, 2006

So, as me and the other one have discovered last night, there could be such a thing as signs and fate. The answer is still unknown to us and probably always be unknown. For all we know it could just be one of those freak things or coincidences. But there always is that question lingering... What if..? What if these signs are real? Should we follow them? or Ignore them? And if we do either or of those decisions, what will be the consequence(s)? But also, what will be the positive outcome? Should we leap or should we stay put where it's safe? Granted, most times, safe can be fround upon, but sometimes, it is better to be safe for the time being before you take off into doing something right away, before thinking about it. Thinking about the consequence(s). It's hard to follow your heart sometimes, because you use your brain almost 90% of the time(give or take some). So when you use your heart it causes doubt and confusion in the beginning. But in the end it can sometimes be so rewarding. It's just the beginning everyone gets stuck on, including me. So if you get confused or scared, just remember you're definently not the only one.

I sound like a proverb or something! These have been the crazy thoughts in my head for the past few days. Who knows, maybe it will be all clearafied later. Leave me some.
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