Monday, May 1, 2006

   Best Friends can be huge bitches sometimes!
UGH!!!! okay so I don't know or even remember the last time I complained about sam but she is being such a bitch right now! She's been acting weird lately and I kind of figured it had to do with me hanging out with Abbie more now. But whole thing is that she's always hangin out with Kat anyway and I just moved on because I felt like a third wheel. So on friday I went to the talent show with sam, cija, and kenny, and I decided that I was going to see what was going on. So during intermission i asked Sam if she was upset with me. Her eyes got big and she said no. Then I said you'd tell me if you were upset with me wouldn't you? and she said yah and my final question was You wouldn't just keep to yourself if you were mad? And she said no. I knew she was lieing though. So on Sunday I got an e-mail and this is what it said:

so the other night when you asked me if anything was wrong, I kind of lied to you. I just feel like you're never around to talk to anymore because you're always with Abbie, so I just feel like I'm no longer your best friend but Abbie is instead, so I feel second best to Abbie.

SO here was my response:

I'm sorry you feel like that. I've become really close to Abbie because she was the only person I hung out with during the musical and also at about the same time when musical rehaearsal started you and Kat became inseperable. So now when you're with kat in the morning I do my own thing, because I just feel like i'm second to kat. So I guess we both are in the same situation. I'd really like to get our friendship back to the way it was. I'm not hanging out with abbie to make you mad at all. and I understand why you've become close to Kat now compared to me because I was busy and I couldn't always be there. I'm not mad at you, and I hope you're not mad at me. I just hope we can get things back to the way they were somehow.

I never got a response. SO this morning i went to where we all normally hang out and Sam wasn't there so Cija asked me wht was up. ANd I explained. Then Cija told me she had talked to sam the other night and sam was complaning about me and Abbie and Cija said "well think about how it is with you and KAt when you're around Nicole." Cija told me she actually got silent and thought about it as if she finally got it. I JUST DON"T FUCKINGGET IT! the whole reason I didn't end up going on the senior trip was because of them! I even told that I felt like a third wheel. So I wrote her a letter during my first period class and i explained more. So I didn't here from her or barely talk to her all day until 9th period when Cija gave me a note from her:

Nicole, Well I don't really know what to tell you anymore. But you ditched me way in the beginning of the year, and you and Abbie got closer before me and Kat did. And as for outr friendship, well that's never going to be the same.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!! IT'S A LOAD OF BULLSHIT AND SHE KNOWS IT AND SHE'S BLAMING IT ALL ON ME!. She always does this to me! It always has to be MY fault. I don't get it at all. I gave her plenty of time to say something. And I never said anything about Kat because I didn't want to cause drama in the group and I moved on. Why can't she??? I refuse to call her this time. And if I do end up doing it, it will because I can't deal with her petty little shit and I need to get the anger out of me and out in the open. How can she do this?????
oh and Kyleigh, I enjoyed seeing you better at the musical than her (i would anyways but even more) because she didn't care. WHY WON'T SHE GROW UP???????
WHY? WHY? wHY?!!!!




i need a hug
nicole

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

   I feel like crying and passing out at the same time
So I've been staying at home since monday because i'm sick. I'm hoping to go back to school tomorrow because it is sooooo boring here. My nose is stuffed and I have plegm in both my chest and throat, but at leaast i'm getting much needed rest. I got asked to prom on friday by Nick Brenceher and said yes. But of course my good mood had to be ruined. Sunday while I was in buffalo I had gone to church and the priest had asked one of the men who collects money to ask that me and my sisters (including kari's boyfriend) be seperated. Angry we left. But I don't feel like explaing that right now. Then today I got mail from fredonia finally. I got accepted to the college but not the music program. I feel like shit. After all this time worrying on making my auditon good because i didn't know if I got into the college or not, I get into the college AND NOT THE F***ING PROGRAM! So I guess i'm going to Nazareth after all. Which I LOVE Nazareth but I feel like I suck as a musician. I'm just really hurt is all.
i gotta go.
I'm getting light headed and depressed
fill you in later
nicole
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Saturday, March 18, 2006

   music man show
What an amazing night!!! I can't beleive how much fun I had and how am I am right this very second. I hope tomorrow is just as good.
"good night my someone"
Nicole
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Monday, March 13, 2006

   deep breaths
So I finally kissed Jordan on friday for the musical. It wasn't that bad but it was SO unnerving having everyone watch from the sides of the stage. Oh well, at least it's done and over with. all I know is i'm gonna be a walking insomniac all week. i got four hours of sleep last night, I have rehearsal from 6 to 9:30 tonight and then I have to wake up about 4:30 AM tomorrow to be on the news. It super sucks and i'm super stressed. I hope a lot of people show up this weekend because I am going through hell right now.
toodles
Nicole
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Monday, February 27, 2006

   I ended it with Brenden. I had to. I really don't need a boyfriend right now and he liked me a lot more than I actually liked him, so much I'm pretty sure he was basing on where he was going to college on me. But I still feel bad. You should have seen his eyes. I'm not saying it couldn't go anywhere all i'm saying is though we knew each other since sixth grade we still had much to learn about each other. At the time when I said yes it felt right but then after awhile,I just wasn't excited anymore. I truly had to keep canceling hanging out because I am busy, or I've had such an exhausting week that I just want the weekend all to myself and share it with no one. I know I should be happy with this but I can't help trying to justify my decision even more. I feel like a horrible wretch. I think if this whole relationship thing doesn't work in a at least five years I think i'm gonna become a nun.
with that i'm going to bed
night nicole
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Saturday, February 11, 2006

   I GOT ACCEPTED TO NAZARETH!!!!! I'M GOING TO COLLEGE!!!!
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Wednesday, February 8, 2006

   I have boyfriend.... is that a good thing?
So I finally am tied down! Crazy! But my mom doesn't seemed to pleased. She seems to think that I convinced myself to like him and that i was forced by others. I'm happy but... I don't know...all I'm saying is I'm REALLY annoyed with my mom and even thoughI don't think it's true her voice is going to be in the back of my head.
i feel like crying. What if I made the wrog decision? I didn't feel like this until I got home at nine tonight from rehearsal and talked to my mom. Knowing me If I really wasn't sure I would have chicked out and either said I need more time or just no.
UGH!!!
i need a hug
nite
nicole
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Saturday, February 4, 2006

"Even if your thoughts are primarily on your home and private life on
Friday, there are bound to be some obligations that you'll be expected to
deal with in the outside world as well. But spending a little quality time
with someone special could pay big dividends this weekend. Try to get away
on some kind of romantic escape if you can. If you're available, you could
be encountering an intriguing foreigner."

Sorry horoscopes always intrigue me. So me and Brenden were supposed to go out but the original plan wasn't gonna work out so I decided I should just stay hope because I was exhausted. But also I was a little peeved at him. We're good now but.... well during the day he had asked Kat to ask me where we were in the relationship and what not. I was a little perturbed but we talked a little after school. He said something like "Yah I don't know what was up with me today, but I need to get over it. It's like an inferiority complex or something". And I had said "I make you feel inferior?" You know what he said? "actually you do sometimes, you just seem out of my leauge.". What surprises me though is that he can ask me out during my photography class (Which he isn't even in) and ask me out in front of Abbie, Sam, and Joe, but not even ask me about our relationship. I didn't know I was that intimidating. But anyways.... He did the sweetest thing. He drew this picture of me and him looking up at the stars together. I wish I could scan it and post it but first of all i don't have a scanner and second I wouldn't know how to put it on the website. Anywho though... I still don't know what I'm going to say if he asks me if I want to go steady with him. I do like him but I have to find my emotions....plus the boy who I really used to like is giving me questionable vibes he likes me. UGH!!!!
I should go.
lots of love
Nicole
P.S. I wathced In her Shoes to night (awesome movie by the way) and read this poem that was in it, it makes me want to cry a little because it's so sweet.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings



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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

   bleh
The musical is nearing and you know what that means...? Me and Jordan are going to have to start kissing. Just wonderful! hopefully me and him can sneak off and get help from Mrs. Fuller (the public enemy other than Mrs. Erdman (who I really don't like) in the music hallway.). Other than that little worry I'm good. Me and Brenden have become closer and I can actually see some possiblity for a actual relationship. Funny that I wasn't for it but now it doesn't seem like such a bad Idea afterall. As for Alex, no word yet and I doubt there ever will be. He obviously doesn't value our friendship and I thought by now he would have called me back with a better explanation and apology than the last one. I'm at least glad the rest of my friends are honest. Well I must be off. I'm gonna be at school tomorrow until 6:30 tomorrow. If ya'll wanna see me in the musical it's March 17 and 18. The tickets are five dollars for adults and three dollars for students. Don't forget to bring me flowers.
lots of love and sleep,
Nicole
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Monday, January 30, 2006

   I'm home and my auditions went well. more on that later though. i talked to Alex and things don't look very good. so ummmmmmmmm... yah. we'll just have to wait and see.
buh bye
nicole
p.s. going to the movies with brenden and others tomorrow. WOO WOOT
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