Wednesday, December 8, 2004

   sorry i didn't post earlier....
ya, i didn't get up as usual this morning....my brother kept turning his light on whenever he heard a noise and it kept waking me up! -_-* i eventually got smart enough to put my sheets over my head. lol it was about 1:00 am when i went to sleep and i got up about 6:30 am. (usually i wake up at 5 am. ^^)
today went swell! i had a great time at school hanging with my friends and i didn't get called to the counciler today. yesterday, i missed about 2 1/2 classes and i didn't really like it....STUPID MAKE UP WORK! i wrote my friend, lizzie, about it and vash (from trigun) was with me. lol it went kinda like...
me: GAH! I HATE MAKE UP WORK!
vash: i thought u would...like missing class...
me: what are u talking about?! i had a lot of stuff i needed to do!
vash: suzumi, calm down...
me: vash, *sigh* ur right....I SHOULD BE HYPER!! ^^
vash: -_-* oh great...
me: *sits on vash's head* WEEEEEEE!
vash: well, at least she's happy...
me: *giggles*
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just a reminder...
tomorrow- might go to michigan (out to eat! yum!)
friday- choir rehearsal & school party! ^.~

k, i'm finished chatting ur heads off! i shall close with one of my cat's pictures! ^._.^ <----MEOW!

...don't look into the light...no seriously don't! :-P dumb cat never listens....(her name is muffin)
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Tuesday, December 7, 2004

   1/2 day today! 11:15 dismissal!!! :-D
hey everyone,
well, the police came with a child protection agent yesterday. they didn't take my father...because of me. before they came, my father said he was really sinceraly sorry for what he did and he'll never do it again. he cried on my shoulder and prayed outloud that the Lord save him. it was soooo touching. i couldn't let them take him away after that. (yet, if he does it again, i shall tell the police.) but now, i'm overly joyous because of this. ^^ if my dad is lieing to me, i'll probebly break down even more.
I DON'T THINK HE IS LIEING TO ME THOUGH. WE HUGGED EACH OTHER AND WE BOTH SAID, "I LOVE YOU" LIKE 50 TIMES. :D (YAY!)
~Suzumi~
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Monday, December 6, 2004

   poem i promised yesterday...
"Alone"
Sprawled on the floor,
Clutching my left arm,
I'm bleeding badly.
You are no longer here,
And I'm alone.

I've learned this from experience,
Tears make you hurt me more.
As you slashed my arm,
My tears were held back.

Since I'm the only one in my room,
I let myself cry.
Holding my arm,
Blood streams from the many cuts.

My life will never be right,
You haunt me with actions.
I'll always have the scars,
Since you're so brutal.

You want me to die,
But I'm staying strong.
All these bruises and marks,
This is so wrong.

I can't move my wrist,
It is twisted so bad.
Sitting up in the darkness,
I slip away to my bed.

I pull the sheet,
Up and over my head.
My stuffed dog is near,
I hold and cry into it.

My father's footsteps,
Are right outside the door.
He is stumbling,
You can hear things fall.

Nothing can help my life.
______________________________________________________________________
I can't make this any longer, my dad is yelling. I'M SEEING A COUNCILER TODAY!!!
~Suzumi~
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Sunday, December 5, 2004

   poem...(short post for tonight)
i made a new poem and i'll post it up tomorrow! also, i have 2 new art pictures if u haven't seen them yet!
~Suzumi~
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my dad has done it again....
last night, my father hurt me yet again. he twisted my left wrist really bad. man, i don't know why he gets drunk so much. every single day....he can't take a day off of drinking. on the weekends he hurts me way more then on weekdays. :( I HATE ABUSE SOO MUCH!!! i'm going to the school conciler on monday a.s.a.p! i can't take this anymore! i'm breaking down sooo hard, i can't sleep. stress is eating at me...X.X
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this is just a jumble of my thoughts i wrote down on paper....thought i would share it with u guys....
Why am I here? Can there be something more to life? How is it I'm stuck in termoil? Who am I? My life is very complicated. Will it end soon? I'm a shadow. Silent, but always here. Only in light I'm visable. You can't see me in shade or nightly. Running away. Fear shakes me up a lot. Yelling at me that I'm not good at anything. Hate. Pain. Suffering. A few words that describe my life. Who can I trust? It seems like everyone lies to me. There is no one i can trust. Darkness clouds around me. Just let me disappear. Don't bother trying to get to me. I'm gone. Can you understand? Ha, ya right. I hate people who try to find the inner me. All the stress and problems are there. I've broken down a lot from letting it get to me. What I go through can't be explained simply. Yes, I do have visable scars from it. Everything I do is wrong. I always blame everything on myself.
I'M NOTHING!
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yes, i am in a very dark mood. i think this time, i can't get this feeling to go away. it's sticking to me!
sorry everyone,
~Suzumi~
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Saturday, December 4, 2004

   ah! plz help!
my dad hurt me yet again. this time it's my upper arm that got hurt. i've been trying to hide it, but i can't any longer. i just wish my father would just butt out of my life and stay gone! he threw a huge candle that we had at me yesterday. it hit my head, then hit the floor and broke. he got super mad at me. i ran up the stairs to get away from him. it worked...my dad was too drunk to get halfway up the stairs. so here i am, in my room typing. *sigh* yesterday i was in a semi good mood, but the good is gone now. :( if this goes on, my happiness will disappear...
~Suzumi~
(p.s) here is a poem i just made....(from me, to my terrible father)

"A Death Without Meaning"
Heart beat quickens,
Breath becomes heavier.
Then floating silently,
Light as a feather.

Can it be,
I'm finally free?
I've ran away,
Without a word to say.

Sorry doesn't make a difference,
You have hurt me too much.
Words cannot bring my being back,
Now just hush.

The heavens are largely spread,
Not a thing like you've said.
You yelled I would be damned to Hell,
I'm not, as you can tell.

I finally have a family that loves me,
Through thick and thin.
And the best part is,
We cannot make a single sin.

Full of compassion and love,
I'm living up above.
Watching over everyone,
My work is never done.

I'm a guardian angel,
And I watch over all people...including you.
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Friday, December 3, 2004

   guess what!!!!
i got the solo! oh i'm sooo happy! ^^ can't wait until the concert! well, nothing really special happend today other then that. i g2g! see all of you later!
Suzumi
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   we shall know...
today is the big day...the big question....WHO GOT THE SOLO??! :-P *crosses her fingers* my friends are at the edges of their seats to know if i got it. :) i'll post later with an update about it! ^^
has anyone heard that new song by Jesse McCartney, "Beautiful Soul"? it reminds me of the hidden feelings of my guy friend. ("I don't want another pretty face, I don't want just anyone to hold. I don't want my love to go to waste, I want you and your beautiful soul. You're the one I want to chase, You're the one I want to hold. I won't let another minute go to waste. I want you and your beautiful soul.")<---that's only part of it. It's a good dancing song! ^^
I've been feeling very...lone and seperated from my friends. i don't know what is wrong with me. nothing is the same anymore...i find myself being happy alone. maybe it's too much stress from my family. (yelling, screaming) it's probebly catching up to me, finally. :( i feel like i'm about to break down. *sob*
I'm very happy for my otaku family! You guys are the family I never had! Thanks for being here everyone!
~*Suzumi*~
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Thursday, December 2, 2004

   morning time, yet again
oh! the solo tryouts went gr8 yesterday! ^^ there were, i think, 10 girls including me and 1 guy. he was pretty good! my friend nicole and two of her friends were there, so i got to hang out with them. when it was my turn, nicole stopped practicing the tape and listened to me through the door. she said i hit the high note perfectly, so i'm VERY happy for that! hopefully we will know who got the part today or tomorrow! ^^
i have an appointment today after school in valparaiso, so i won't be online. :( well, hope everyone has a good day/night...i need to go catch my bus! lol
~Suzumi~
(p.s) should i add more pictures to my posts?
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Wednesday, December 1, 2004

   have to make this short...
my mom and dad are home and they don't like me on the computer in the morning so i'll just say the choir solo is today! ^^ so i won't be on after school...(sorry Psy >.<) but i probebly will be online tomorrow after school! i g2g...dad is yelling...
~Suzumi~
(p.s.) i'll post a pic that i took yesterday for u guys...^^

IT'S ME WITH MY STUFFED DOG THAT I GOT FROM MY BEST FRIEND! (awww...lol) Hope u guys like it! :~D

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