Friday, October 13, 2006

I finally hit the bottom. I actually didn't think that I ever would drop to the ground again, but I guess I was wrong. I've hit a horribly deep depression just resently and it doesn't seem to go away or even lighten up. I've been feeling so anxious, angry, and sad for the past few days. For those of you who know me, you know clearly that I'm not a person to dwell on such a horrible emotion, I mean I'm too ADD to dwell on the same emotion for more than a day, but for some reason this place has sunk me to an all time low. Ever since I got here I knew it was going to be hard to get used to this place because it's so different, but I never knew that I'd feel this way. Being an Army child I've moved around a lot in the past but this last move from Georgia to Virginia was the worst I've ever had to go through. This place is so hecktic that I feel anxious, and stressed all of the time. I've also been fighting with my mother and have been on bad terms with the rest of my family for a few weeks now saying that I don't spend time with them. Well I would if they would do more than watch TV. They even keep me away from DL saying that I spend way too much time with him which is NOT ture at all. He's the only thing that keep me happy here. Having all of my closest friends in another states doesn't help either. With a hecktic and impersonal place, constantly fighting with my family, not being able to spend time with my boyfriend, and all of my friends miles away, I start to wonder why it was that I decided to leave Georgia in the first place? In the 2 months that I've been here I've cryed more times than I ever did in the entire year when I was back home in Georgia. One night I cryed so hard that I hid myself in my room, layed on the ground next to my bed all curled up on my side, and with my arms around my head I just cryed. I'm not a person who gets depressed at all, you can even ask HardLuckWomen and Knights Edge. I've been talking to a lot of my friends back home like LegacyOf, HLW, and Edge which all helped me out but all it made me do was cry while talking to them and miss them more. The one thing that really got to me was what Edge said to me right before I posted this while he was helping me put up this new song:

Edge:
Somedays I truly wish you were still stuck here with us.
Me:
You have no clue how much I wish for that right now
Edge:
I do have a clue. You have to remember I do read your post when you post.

No I haven't told my parents this because right now they've been in Puerto Rico for the past few days, and I just don't care for them to know cause I know what they're going to say anyway. DL is not completely aware of my feelings, I guess it's because I don't want him to feel bad, but he does know that I'm going through a hard time and is doing what he can to make me feel better. I love him and all my friends for helping me out, but no matter how hard I fight, I feel as if this place is getting the best of me. Like I used to smoke but stoped a while back, however this doesn't stop the cravings. Whenver I would even think about smoking again I could see and hear DL telling not to and that he loved me, so I would always turn away. But just the other day as I was prepaying for gas I noticed myself stairing at all the cigaretts behind the counter, looking for the cheepest one, adding the prise of it with the lighter, and wondering where I could hide it in my car. I didn't even think about DL at that time.

I know this was depressing and long so I'm sorry about it. I just had to share it, I couldn't keep it inside of me. You don't have to comment, actually I would prefer if you didn't cause I don't want to get edgy because of someones comment including in this mood that I'm in. I'm going to do what I can to get myself to feel better. Pray for me, keep me in your thoughts, I need it. Sorry if this was way too dramatic for you, I'll try not to do it again.
~Love All Around~
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