Thursday, October 18, 2007

Live everyday as though it may be your last (-my dad)
It's Wendsday, 10:51 PM and I'm back home, now.
It all still feels like a bad dream...

3 of the most emotional and stressful days I will ever
go through in my entire life and it isn't even over, yet.

Of course, I told you all already that I was woken up
at around 4 AM and told he wasn't going to make it
and we needed to pack and get up there quick.

I'm so glad I carried my hide plushie with me. It may
have been childish, but at the moment, when you're
told your daddy is dying, you tell me how mature you
acted at the time.

hide became one very used tissue. I cried the entire
car ride into his hair, squeezing him.

I saw so many motorcyclist on the way up there.
The worst was when I first woke up, first thing I
see is a motorcyclist who looks just like my dad.
Even mom said, "I could swear that was Blaine."

When we got there, my aunt Celine and my uncle
Michale were waiting outside for us. They told us
what the doctors had told them so far and I again
cried into my hide plushie and we went inside.

They took us up to see him. Celine kept telling us
what state he was in so we wouldn't be shocked.

For someone that was in a motorcycle accident,
he didn't look as bad as you'd think, he wasn't all
scraped and bruised, but still, it was no way you
ever want to see a loved one.

He had a neckbrace and so many tubes in his
mouth and nose that I couldn't even see any of
his mouth.

I held his hand and sobbed. My mom a lot of the
day tried to rub my back or leg, but I'd pull away.
I didn't want it. I finally broke down at one point
and cried, "I don't want my daddy to leave!"

Mom reminded me that I was the one that had to
make the decision to pull the plug is he became
braindead, something I didn't want to be reminded.
I squatted on the floor as she told me and cried
harder. When I'd calmed down, the only thing I
stated was I refused to do anything until I knew
that Faye had seen him, because last I heard, no
one could find contact with her. Faye, by the way,
is my dad's girlfriend.

My dad finally found love, not only that, but some
one that loves him BACK and she's beautiful and
young and sweet and she actually wanted to get
to know me and was sad when she thought I did
not like her and she wanted to marry my dad and
move into a house with him... I was so happy for
him, and now... God is cruel. I cry each time I
think about it.

I was told later she had seen him, but said she
called to ask if I was alright, but they said she
probably wouldn't stop by, again. She had been
in a car wreck herself and this was too much. I
understood. We all did.

There were a lot of hugs, tears and prayer. My
friends all texted me to say they were praying,
Twiggy even got his whole old Youth Group to,
even Misty sent me a message saying even if
she was the last person I wanted to hear from,
she hoped my dad got well. My mom told me
the day before like 120 prayer chainmails for
my dad were sent out.

I visited a total of 3 times the first day. Once
was with two Catholic priests and Celine.

Each time you go in you have to wash your
hands. I think I may now hate washing my
hands more than I did before...

They did this one thing where they put oil on
his head. Since I'm not Catholic, Celine had
explained it to me.

She said that it use to only be done for the
dying, but now, they also did it for the sick,
like Memaw had been done thousands of
times.

One of the priests mentioned how strong my
father was, fighting off cancer twice and how
he'd been in wrecks before. The other said he
recalled my dad saying that he keeps cheat-
ing death and he told him, "No, you're just
falling apart slowly."

My dad was friends with lots and lots of people
and they all came by. We filled up the entire
side are of the waiting room, lol.

I was hugged a lot and told to keep strong. Right
from the start, when I went to hug my aunts and
uncles, Wiatt gave me a long hug. My uncle Wiatt
ended up being the one to comfort me most. Mom
said he and I were always close even when I was
a baby.

People from his motorcycle group came by. They
didn't think I remembered them from the meetings,
but I did. Especially Tom and his wife, Skeeter.

Skeeter was odd in her way of comforting me, but
she was very, very kind. And according to them,
we were lucky to have dad this long.

When they were told how he flipped over the bike,
they both cringed and Skeeter said that most people
who flip over the way he did only live 10 minutes.

Another woman from the motorcycle group came
by. I remeber they threw a baby shower for her.
She brought pictures of my dad on his motorcycle.
Uncle Ricky almost knocked them over when he
went to get a donut. He muttered, "Yeah, just what
I want pictures of him on."

We slept overnight in the waiting room. Those chairs
were horrid enough, hard and plastic, but I got a ghetto
recliner that doesn't like to prop back and in the middle
of the night went sliding to the floor, lol. Wiatt slept on
the floor and using our roll of paper towels as a pillow.

I love my family, I thank the stars for them, because
had I not had MY family, I never would have made it.

The 2nd day... We were full of false hope. It was a
sad, yet humorous (in a way) day.

We got news that the tv in his room was on and it
was talking about Britney Spears and everytime it
said "Britney" his eyes fluttered. XD

They also said he was breathing on his own, but
that was the only news we got all day on him and
it was from the nurses. And I didn't get to go up
and visit him, because he was suppose to go in
for an MRI scan and everytime we asked it was,
"Oh, he just went in for it." *headdesks*

My family uses humor, even in the most bleak
of situations. They were picking on me, because
I kept crawling all over the floor like a kid.

People brought us food. Wiatt's girlfriend brought
us sandwhiches and later someone brought us a
cooler of foods and drinks and of course there was
a really nice cafeteria, too.

They also set up a picture of all of my aunts and
uncles at my grandmother's funeral. They were
all smiling and my dad was in the middle, with
his beloved fu-man-chu mustache, holding the
earn that holds memaw's ashes, lol.

They said, "Everyone thinks it's a weird picture,
but we love it!" Yep, that's my family! <3

We annoyed the hospital staff SO much. XD

Like, only 2 people can visit a patient at a time.
My dad is the oldest of 10 and my aunts and
uncles will do whatever they want, no matter
what you tell them.

8 out of 9 of them who were there all got back
there and ignored the doctors. XDD

We broke all the rules, lol. We kept proclaiming
our last name proudly. We are stubborn people
who are really weird, but we love it.

We wanted for me to see my dad before the MRI
scan, before I went to sleep, so, that night, and
it was really late, Wiatt, Celine, my mom, Tom,
Sketter and their daughter as well as myself all
went upstairs.

They told us they'd come out the side door, so,
we sat and waited there. We waited a long time.

We are little kids.

Celine pretended to run and trip to the door and
called out, "Oops~! Did you see that? I almost
accidently ran into that door!" and then she got
down on her knees to peek under it and we were
all cracking up at her. She's like the world's most
obvious ninja. XD

And there was a sign on the wall that said "20 ft"
so Celine asked this black, female nurse behind
the desk, "Hey, what does this mean?"
The woman flatly replies, "20 feet." XD
We all cracked up and fell to the floor! She asked!

And Wiatt wanted to know if the staff only room
was locked and he opened and shut it quickly,
but a doctor who went in caught him and he was
laughing. x3

When he finally came out, they didn't go by us,
they turned the corner! D: So, I only got a glance.

And the waiting room says only two family members
can stay. Fuck that. At least 4 of so of us would stay.

We kept going up there so much to check on my
dad that one nurse said, "Y'all just don't give up."

And when my mom was saying how stubborn my
dad always was, the nurse said, "Speaking of, you
guys are the most stubborn family we have ever had,
but we like it... keeps us going."

I told mom they should have met memaw, haha. Of
course we are stubborn! We always get our way, no
matter what we have to do or how long it takes... or
who we piss off, lol.

3rd day, all the good news died. I found out indirectly.
Uncle David was on the phone with someone and he
said he didn't want to go into details, because I was
across from him, but basically, the best he can come
out is as a vegetable.

And my dad had always said he never wants to be
that. Anyone who keeps a family member alive in
a vegetated state is selfish. My dad is too full of life
to be kept alive as an empty shell.

Some woman who was at the site of the wreck
came by to talk to us. I just wanted her to shut
up... "And for some reason I was drawn over to
him..." just shut up...

I laid down on the floor. Wiatt laid down beside
me and put his arm over me. He ignored his
cell phone going off and we stayed there until
all our limbs fell asleep. XD

We had to go through all this shit about Power of
Attorney so that I could turn my responsibility of
next to kin to the family.

Celine, her husband Jeff, David and Wiatt were
outside. Celine said, "Alicia's birthday is coming
up." there was silence, "Who wants to help
donate shoes?" XD I had not worn my shoes
since first night there, not even when walking out
side or around the hospital.

I sat beside Jeff, drummed on his head with my
water bottle, talked to him about my school and
then this woman Traci came by.

Traci, this perky black woman who was the one
to deal with my situation talked to me about all
I had to do. I told her that I trusted my family.
She said she could see that.

My family isn't like others. There was no fight of
whether to keep him alive or not if we know all
he can be is a veggie, because we all know my
dad would hate that.

OH! By the way, know HOW the accident happened?

Some teenage girl tried to out run a yellow light.

My dad is at no fault, because even his biker friends
said he did everything right. There was nothing more
he could have done to save his life.

His accident was on the news there. My aunt pulled
up the video to show me. It showed his bike and the
dent HE made, his body, into the side of the car.
The video:
http://wrcbtv.com/videowindow.cfm?sid=279

They said the girl is terrified. Twiggy said she can
be charged with murder. I don't give a fuck. That
isn't going to bring my dad back. If anything, don't
let her ever fix her car. Just make her put on the
side, "I tried to out run a yellow light. This is the
cost. Is it really worth it?" because that girl is not
the only person to have tried to do that.

Celine tried to take me to see my dad's bike, but
the insurance company doesn't have it, some lot
still does and they weren't there. On a side note,
the house across from the lot had llamas. o_O;;

Faye was suppose to come by, but I didn't get
to see her. I wanted to give her a hug and tell
her I was alright, even though I'm not, I didn't
want her to be upset more. This was a woman
I looked foward to being my stepmother, and
now... I hope she too can stay strong.

I had to pick up some of his items, only I could
do it. The woman behind the window was stupid.
"Is he alright? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were
taking him home! Hope he gets well!" wtf?

Wiatt joked about how the wallet was holding
money he loaned. When we got the wallet, it
had like $2. Wiatt and mom joked,
"Your inheritance!"
I laughed, "I'm amazed it's not in mood rings."
XD Oh, his mood ring was one of the things
we picked up. Mom kept it for me.

Mom told me they already knew how the funeral
would be. She said if he does pass, he will be
buried in a cemetary for the military like he had
always wanted and in his Marine uniform.

They said they have to sale off some things to
pay off his debuts, but if I could think of anything
I wanted to hold onto, name it.

They can't find his biking vest, but when they do,
I asked for that, his rainbow suspenders (they to
me describe him) and pictures of us.

I love my dad. He's unique. He's a hippie, a proud
Marine, a biker... He really doesn't care what you
think of him. He'll just shrug. He truly believes in
living life to the fullest.

Oddly, I once wrote a Dir en grey Kyo x Toshiya
fic where Toshiya gets in a car wreck and wakes
up to discover he was given a second chance and
wonders what would have happened if he died with
out ever telling Kyo his feelings. The fic was inspired
by my dad. My dad's belife that you shouldn't let
things scare or stop you, because life is short and
you'll regret it when it's too late.

All I could think was:
You're suppose to watch me turn 20, you never got
to see me graduate, I never got to make you proud,
I'm not suppose to be one of those girls who dad's
will never walk them down the aisle, you never got
to see me fall inlove, we're suppose to go to Japan
and Ireland together...

He had so many people who loved him and he was
the greatest man. I always believed the world needed
more men like him. God made a mistake taking him.

They showed us some funny pictures of him in
costume today... You could see where I get my
personality from. XD He was dressed in a hula
skirt and coconut bra and wig! XDDD

The best was a class picture that looked so plain
and normal, until you saw him dressed like that
in the middle, posed. XD<333

My dad was never afraid to be himself. He never
thought to be anything else. He didn't even know
how to and he didn't care. If you didn't like him,
too damn bad. That's why he was my hero. <3

This is long. I'll continue tomorrow. I can't wait
until they send those photos. I want to show
you them all so bad, lol. But... I CAN wait for
... you know. I am not looking foward to saying
good-bye. Forever.

Before I left, I saw him, again. I rested my head
on his chest and cried, feeling his heart beat. I
kissed his head and told him I loved him. I miss
hugging him, feeling his scruffy mustache and
big nose when he'd kiss me... I miss his loud
laugh... I miss these already...

Oh, and thank you all for your love. It really meant
a lot to me. I needed that so much. <3

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