Wednesday, September 7, 2005

Self Hatred Ommiting from a Small Priest
I hate myself. Thoroughly. And it's not so much my personality that I am having issues with, but my thoughts and uncontrollable feelings that piss me off.

Allow me to explain *formal for a pissed off priest*:

First, there is Yami (AKA Nichole). I went to school today to be a shadow to my shinyou, Momiji. Yes, even though I have graduated. I was exicted for this... forgetting (of course) how much hate I have towards that building and it's student population. More than I have towards my workplace. >_< So... anyway... fuirst period was kinda fun, cuz I hung out with Momo and Justin-chan, and I even got to see Goku-kun. SECOND period was the worst. I ditched and walked out halfway through. Hell, I didn't have to be in school, anyway. But I was not with Momiji. She had math, and I did not want to be there. I wanted to go see Yami in chorus. So when I got to the music room, I said "Hi, Yami" before going over to Sam-Sam. That stupid damned woman... *growls* She turned to see me, but completely blew me off to talk to Brie. If that was not enough, I stayed a little while longer (for Sam) and Nichole did not so much as LOOK at me. I was about ready to cry, but instead of feeling like a damned fool in front of a bunch of younger kids, I got pissed. Up until I finally said goodbye to Sam and left.

*heavy sigh*

I do not like Yami anymore. Well... I LIKE her, sure, but even though I am in love with someone else (and dating that person), there are some unsolved issues with my feelings for Yami. It might take a while for me to get over her completely. Since she's my friend, I think that might take longer. Plus, I had a HUGE-ass crush on her for about two years. I still do... if only a little. I would never cheat on Heather-chan. Ever. But Jen even said that me being upset over her ignoring me made sense; because I HAD liked Nichole for so long.

But Yami is not the only reason. It deals with Jonouchi, too (yes, another YGO cosplayer). I was pissed today because she ignored me to go talk to Jen. I was so upset that I started mentally beating myself up, like that time Amy came to see all of us, but left me to talk to Jen. Finally, I freaked and just turned off my light at my register and had to walk around the store to "clear my head". When I went on break a little after five, Jou came in the break room with Alicia. They talked for a while until Alicia got back to work. Joey stayed and talked to me, listening to me talk. It made me feel a hell of a lot better. Yet... when she left at seven, she ignored Kassi and me, and said goodbye to Jen before leaving. She COULD have said goodbye and I simply did not hear, but I don't think that was the case. I was upset about that, as well as the thing with Yami.

What freaked me out came a little later. I saw Jonouchi's new boyfriend in GMP and I tensed up and my eyes narrowed. I saw him this morning while following Momiji to math, and the same reaction occurred. What does this MEAN? Normally, I would automatically believe that I had a crush on her, but I am not too sure that is the case here. First off, she is not really "my type" and secondly, I look up to her more than have feelings for her. It's stupid, because she's a year younger, and I look up to her *sighs heavily* Taku...

I am so lost. And now that I am confused over these feelings for Yami and Jonouchi (and animosity towards Jou's koiboto), that is added to new found feelings of worry over my own koi. Will she hate me becaudse I feel this way? Will she get annoyed? Will this hurt her? Thousands of feelings float through my mind, and I can't seem to vent any of them. I tried with Jen, but that only seemed to bring MORE uncertain feelings. *cries into her arms* I wish I knew!!! I don't know what I am thinking, I am so stressed out and confused. To top that all off, I have to concentrate on Driver's Ed. and I hate work... I need a damned release somehow. I am afreaid I will snap if I don't get help soon. Maybe this could help... maybe not. But I feel as if I am spiraling downwards again and it is only a matter of time before I break and things get worse.

Help me. Onegai? I want my koi. I want her to hug me and hold me in her arms, telling me everything will be okay. I can't have that, though. I just don't want to suffer alone. Please help. In ANY way. And soon.
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