Tuesday, November 1, 2005

   I so scared...
Maybe I am just being a damned baby... I dunno. But I am scared anyways. Can ya blame me? Things have gotten better, it would seem. My mom actually let me go trick-or-treating last night, with my usagi. It was fun. But I was still constantly haunted by the thought that Heather was sitting in her house, waiting for her strange little love-sick koi to come to her arms... and she never came. I don't think I am good enough to be by her side, if this much has happened and gone wrong... I just hope she does not feel the same. I love her so goddamned much. Honto ni. I am nearly shaking right now, because I can't be with her. I am so distraught, because I can't know NOW that she's alright with everything. I have hurt her so.

But if twas up to me, I would be with her. Definitely. I would be falling asleep in her arms at this very moment, curled up on her couch.

Goddamn it, I have to talk to her! ><

There are more things that have occurred in the past two days that I would care not to repeat. I might have to, only because I might just go insane if I keep it to myself. Jen knows pretty much everything, because she is (as she put it) the "mastermind" behind this entire fiasco. My mom is very angry with her at the moment, and even though she might be trying to keep her from me, I will still see Jen almost everyday. We work together. She lives not 10 minutes walking distance from where we both work. She's my friend; even if my mom does not see it that way.

If I had it my way, everything would be better. I would be with my koi, but I would not be risking my relationship with my entire family either. I was faced with an ultimatum: either leave the house and never come back, or stay at the house and work things out. I chose to stay. As much as I love my pharaoh and adore her and all that, I would rather not have to chose between a few short-liuved days with the girl I love, than a lifetime of dissownership from my family.

My mom knows of my "lesbianism" now. But she fails to admit it. She says it is all because I have low self esteem and have been hurt by people (mostly men) in the past. That's why I have grown attached to Heather and believe myself to be in love. That's bullshit, right there. I believe that my father's dysfunctional ways might have had a LITTLE to do with what I am today in the way of sexuality; but me distrusting men does not account for the attraction I have for women. And my mom just believes Heather "conveniently" discovered her feelings right after I graduated.

I KNOW I would be paranoid this, as well. I am dead certain of it. But I also trust Heather. There have been times when I have perhaps questioned her honesty and existance in the past... but that was a long time ago. And it's not possible that she's not who she says she is. It's just not. I know my mom has cause for worry and concern... but keeping me from my pharaoh, and accusing me of being mislead is not the right way to go about it.

. . . I have been so freakin' stressed out lately, too. Even with Heidi, there were things that constantly kept Heather on my mind; even if I wanted to just break away from it for a while. At Heidi's grandmother's house, we watched "Dracula: Dead and Loving It". That is a movie Heather promised to show me when we met, since I had not seen it before. There were SO many reminders, that I thought I would go mad. And waiting for a response is keeping me insane, at the moment. I am a worried wreck, here by myself. I can't distract myself, because everything is Heather. I am worried that something is amiss, and that I have done something to hurt her. This is not OBSESSION, like my mother claims; this is NORMAL HUMAN EMOTION. This is LOVE and DEVOTION and CARING.

I want everything to be okay. I will keep fighting to make everything okay. Because I want to be with her. And I also want it to be under the BEST of circumstances.

I love you, Heather. Always. Please remember that!

Ja ne.
~Naruki
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