Monday, March 14, 2005

Happy Happy Joy Joy?
Yeah, sure. My weekend was great, but I'm gonna be burned out by spring break. FCAT's killing me already.

Ok, now for updates (like it matters?) on my friends!!!!

Milo...wasn't there.

Shayna...wasn't there.

Robbie was there! Yayness! w00t! His hair is even longer now; he wants it shoulder-length and in a few months it will be there. Robbie's still utterly awesome.

Zach, well, I've found the perfect way to describe him using base labels: emo wigger. Yeah. Scary. I know.



Okies, now, I'm done, 'cause I don't really feel like typing much right now. More for you later!
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Friday, March 11, 2005

   Yay-ness!
I get to see some of my friends that I haven't gotten to hang out with since November this weekend! I shall describe them to you, just 'cause I can.

Zach(ariah) is...cool. He's hysterical most of the time, always good for a laugh, but also overly emotional. His sister Sarah...is...erm...well, nevermind.

Robbie is really really cool. He's smart, and has common sense. A rare combo. He seriously grew over the course of six months. When I first met him, he was short and wussy looking, a twelve-year-old. When I saw him after the six months, I would have guessed he was sixteen, except he was still short. We make fun of him A LOT about the short thing, but it's all in jest.

Milo is...Milo. Hard to describe, so I won't. Fifteen years old, by the way.

Shayna is sixteen or so, and REALLY SHORT. You would think, because of her height, that she's four years old. She is wacky, off-the-wall, goofy, and brilliant.

Okies, I'm done. Time for some lyrics! The song is "In Years to Come" by Thrice
**

i want to take the bullet,
the one aimed straight for your heart,
i want to meet the wolves halfway,
and let them tear me apart.
but that's not the way they do it here.

i want to lay on the tracks,
feel hot steel screaming at me,
expose the bones on my back,
let me show you what i mean.
yeah its a different kind of love,
i want to climb barbed wire fences
and warm our hands in blood.

and this is my gift,
is asking you to fix
my ruined hands.
and its a gift that keeps on giving,
and its a gift that keeps on giving,
and its a gift that keeps on giving,
and right now its all i have to give.

i want to lay on the tracks,
feel hot steel screaming at me,
expose the bones on my back,
let me show you what i mean
i want to lay on the tracks,
feel hot steel screaming at me,
expose the bones on my back,
let me show you what i mean

i want to write the perfect song,
and play it just for you,
while you are tangled up in sleep.
i need you more than ill ever know
until i stop breathing
my lungs will take you for granted.
**

((Another Thrice song, called "Stare at the Sun"))

i sit here clutching useless lists
and keys for doors that don't exist
i crack my teeth on pearls
i tear into the history
show me what it means to me in this world
yeah in this world

'cause i am due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes
'til i understand or go blind

i see the parts but not the whole
i study saints and scholars both
no perfect plan unfurls
do i trust my heart or just my mind
why is truth so hard to find in this world
yeah in this world

'cause i am due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes
'til i understand or go blind

i know that there's a point I've missed
a shrine or stone i haven't kissed
a scar that never graced my wrist
a mirror that hasn't met my fist
but i can't help feeling like i'm

due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes

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Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Erm...
Well, here I am again after disappearing for ages. I'm sorry I keep doing that. My internet usage is sporadic and strange...

I went to the mall on Saturday and blew most of my money. I bought a Thrice CD (The Artist in the Ambulance), two novels (the third and fourth Dune books), some candy, and Final Fantasy VIII. Yeah. I'm pretty much poor now. No bondage pants and pretty semi-skin-tight black shirt for me. *pouts*

By the way- I often do read your sites, but not leave comments. I leave a comment when I have something worthwhile, ironic, sarcastic, humorous, or otherwise important thing to say.

Oh, by the way, AJ-kun, I have FCAT next week. Ours got pushed back because of the hurricanes...lucky us. Bleh. But, right after FCAT, we have our Spring Break! YAY!
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Tuesday, March 1, 2005

   The Inevitable.
It's happened and it's happening, all at once, in degrees.

Moreso violent tendencies. More serious mood swings (I swing from angry to depressed to violent to happy to depressed to angry, now. It used to be happy, depressed, happy, depressed. These are examples, not solid.))

I have the craving to just hurt. To cause pain. To feel the warm blood of those I hate pouring over my skin.

I need help. I'm becoming afraid of myself. I can't do anything about it except to write, and to sleep.

I cannot cry. I cannot turn to my dreams for solace. The only restful sleep is that in which I do not dream.

The inevitable, what I've feared for so long, has come.

And of course, I write this on the day that my parents forced my ex and I apart. *sigh* It was a leap year, last year, so today is technically the one-year anniversary.

I was doing so well. I was happy. I really, really, really was. But...what happened? I don't understand myself anymore.

I'm constantly frustrated, aggravated, irritated, nervous.

I even have a crush. Pitiful, I know, but hey. I don't care.

Oh. I almost pierced my lip on accident. I was holding my stylet (a type of dagger) up to my lip the other night, the point poking my lip, and started to fall asleep. I snapped awake just before it pierced. :-)p

Byebye...and please, no pity. I don't exactly want to hear it. I'm gonna...do...something. Like waste time.
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Friday, February 25, 2005

Well well well
My dad made it through the surgery well. He's resting up and whatnot. We'll find out Tuesday or Wednesday whether he'll need chemo or not. Pathology will get the results in in a few days. I've got my fingers crossed. Thanks for all your support, you guys.
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Thursday, February 24, 2005

The Worst Friday in the History of A While
Tomorrow- my dad's surgery. I'm sure everything will be all right...but...I'm still extremely nervous. I doubt I will be in school tomorrow. *sigh* This is the worst Friday since August when we had the hurricanes (Friday the 13th, that was...).

Grrum. My dreams were not wonderfully reassuring last night. I dreamt of a tumor-esque mass covering what I think was the Eiffle Tower.

Pah. Once school is over tomorrow, I'm going to my friend's house for the whole weekend. That should be really fun. But there'll still be all of this...hopefully at the back of my mind. Though...who knows with my mood swings. I hope things go well.

My dad will receive all of you guys' love, thank you so much!


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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I Swear...
The world must be out to prove everything I say is wrong.

Yesterday's post was made at the public library after being home from school for...five minutes.

Well, when I got back home from the library, I was told that my dad had gotten some tests done, and has a tumor in his colon. *pouts*

Yeah.

So, he's gotta get it removed this Friday, and there's gonna be about a two week recovery period. Then they have to check to make sure they got everything and it's all OK, or if they need to start chemo.

I might end up missing two of the most important weekends of the whole year...meep...

I need someone to cuddle. And maybe bite some.
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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Errr...Yep!
I really don't have any idea what to be posting in here these days. Nothing outstanding is going on in my life.

Oh! Hey, I started taekwondo again on Valentines Day. There's a total bish there. Yeah. And then, after the taekwondo class, there is a hap ki do class. For that, they wear a black gi (uniform). *drools* Bishies in black gis have always been on my must-see list. *whips out a checklist and ticks off a box*
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Thursday, February 17, 2005

Some STUUUUUFFF
Ok, here's how my "replying to your page" works:

I read a post, and comment if I feel like it. In most cases, I will, just to tell you what I think. Sometimes, I'll leave something indepth.

If I miss some days, I'll respond to the newest, and simply read the rest, signing where I wish. All responses to someone's myO follow the same rules, mentioned in the above paragraph.

((new topic)) Stuff you must hear:

"Death of Seasons" by AFI
"Getting Away With Murder" by Papa Roach
"Anthem of Our Dying Day" by Story of the Year
"Breathe No More" by Evanescence

((new topic)) Video Game I am playing now: Xenogears. I'm at the point where I fight the Gear that Dominia is in, but instead is piloted by...erm...the General guy. It's been a while since I turned it on. Anyways, the second underwater fight.

((new topic)) I wanna apologize to you all for not being active around here in my commenting on your pages...school's been pretty hectic. I'm back on my normal school schedule, and am having a moderate time readjusting. I also am now taking Tae Kwon Do, started on Monday. I have a total of three years experience in martial arts as a whole, but it's been over two years since I last went (not counting Mon/Wed).

Kk, I'm done now. *hugs and loves to all*
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Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Journal of Song
(((I posted this at AllPoetry. It's rather long...but read away if you care. I don't really expect comments, but go ahead if you wish...)))

These pages, the ones that used to be my depression, the cancers of my mind, have been sated. These pages, which wanted my tears, my sadness, want only my rejoicing now. I have served my time within the imaginary prison. Finally now, after almost a full year, I am naturally happy. It is not the sort of smile that faded so quickly before. Mood swings are not what brings on this happiness. It is the reforging of friendship, wrought at first from love, that allowed me to wade from pits of boiling tar, clad now in the garb of the sun.

Hmm. Dusk must be sharing me.

One who loved can love again. I have learned this. The person with whom my heart had joined has found love a second time, and I cannot be more joyous. That I can be friends with both of them brings me some nameless emotion, but it feels wonderful. It can only be explained as human nature that the love I once felt as my entire existence does not exist in any way now, and if this is what it is like to be human, I think I will stay as one for a while.

Flip the coin; sing a new song.

Old feelings do not cease to exist. They ligner. They take different forms. The depression I feel now is not from any sort of physical source. It is a psychological one, chemical, an illness. The type you take pills for. Nothing I know except time (and, quite possibly, Zoloft) can remedy it.

A smile comes naturally. What I had to fake is now a base emotion, common, a start for the day, neutral position.

My emotions are now real ones. Happiness feels good. So amazingly, refreshing, purely good that I am nearly moved to tears when I feel it. Even depression, lurking in the back of my mind, feels different. Not less or more, just different somehow. Certainly, it is no longer an expression of loss. Perhaps it is just chemical imbalance, nothing more. I am unable to think of any other reason to be depressed. Lack of love may be it, but I seriously doubt it.

Ahh, being friends is good. So very, very, very, extremely, utterly, totally good.
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