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myOtaku.com: NekojinBoyKotaru


Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Journal of Song
(((I posted this at AllPoetry. It's rather long...but read away if you care. I don't really expect comments, but go ahead if you wish...)))

These pages, the ones that used to be my depression, the cancers of my mind, have been sated. These pages, which wanted my tears, my sadness, want only my rejoicing now. I have served my time within the imaginary prison. Finally now, after almost a full year, I am naturally happy. It is not the sort of smile that faded so quickly before. Mood swings are not what brings on this happiness. It is the reforging of friendship, wrought at first from love, that allowed me to wade from pits of boiling tar, clad now in the garb of the sun.

Hmm. Dusk must be sharing me.

One who loved can love again. I have learned this. The person with whom my heart had joined has found love a second time, and I cannot be more joyous. That I can be friends with both of them brings me some nameless emotion, but it feels wonderful. It can only be explained as human nature that the love I once felt as my entire existence does not exist in any way now, and if this is what it is like to be human, I think I will stay as one for a while.

Flip the coin; sing a new song.

Old feelings do not cease to exist. They ligner. They take different forms. The depression I feel now is not from any sort of physical source. It is a psychological one, chemical, an illness. The type you take pills for. Nothing I know except time (and, quite possibly, Zoloft) can remedy it.

A smile comes naturally. What I had to fake is now a base emotion, common, a start for the day, neutral position.

My emotions are now real ones. Happiness feels good. So amazingly, refreshing, purely good that I am nearly moved to tears when I feel it. Even depression, lurking in the back of my mind, feels different. Not less or more, just different somehow. Certainly, it is no longer an expression of loss. Perhaps it is just chemical imbalance, nothing more. I am unable to think of any other reason to be depressed. Lack of love may be it, but I seriously doubt it.

Ahh, being friends is good. So very, very, very, extremely, utterly, totally good.
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