Saturday, March 12, 2005

I miss him so much some times...
So, I'm supposed to be 'married', but I don't really see the point some times. I only really get to see him during school now that all of this shit has happened. My parents still don't know about that part. His do becuase he had to tell, but not mine. I don't know how I'm gonna tell them with out them thinking I'm some kind of little slut who just got married to him so I could have sex. I know they won't care what I say, they will just tell me to get that damn bolt off my finger before they get the plyers. -sighs- I hate it... I just want to spend every secnd with him, and I can't... I wish I could snuggle up to him and lay there when ever I wanted. But I can't do that, either. And I know it will probably be a while before we can do that, anyways. When I got my phone back the other day I had about 30 or 40 something IM's and texts' and 16 voice mails. 14 of which were from Henry, and two from Holly. Around the 8th one or so, he said some thing about how I didn't have my phone. I was kinda surprised it took him that long to figure out x.x; But I know he was only worried, and just wanted to make sure I was okay because he cares. The other stuff was from every one on the Yahoo! and stuff just trying to get ahold of me, too.

Gah... I totally forgot the point I was trying to get at x.x; I hate when I do that.

Anyways, so Mom's work has been sucking the life out of her lately. She's already worked over a 50 hours week, and I think she still has to do more. But she is off tomorrow, so I'm just gonna let her lay around all day. Her boss has the balls to leave her a message saying this, though...

"Since we pay for your cell ohone, you are on call 24-7. It is never to go off, you are always working."

And I'm jsut sitting here thinking 'You bitch. You already work her to the bone for just scraps of money, and you want her on call 24-7 now?! WHAT THE FUCK? LEAVE MY MOTHER ALONE FOR FUCKING ONCE YOU WENTCH!' -.-;; As you can tell... I hate her with a passion. She needs to go jump off a cliff and die already. All she does is sit on her fat ass and tell my mother what to do, and it's really starting to piss me off. My mother has beenat work untill around or so the past 4 nights. And my moms friends, Marty, hasn't gotten a day off in three weeks! WTF? THis company is seriously abusing their workers,a nd it's pissing me off to no end...

Oh, and incase you were wondering what company it is. Its 24 hour fittness. So, yeah...

-sighs again- Sorry, I guess I'm jsut in a bad mood because of all of that... And I still want my Henry... Well... I guess I'll go to bed or some thing. Night all, I love you guys!

-Reno-
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Thursday, March 10, 2005

Well... That's one thing out of the way, I guess...
So, I'm not pregnant... Thankfully, I guess... And, yes, I am sure of it. Girl's arn't normally gonna get their 'monthly bill' if thier prego. So yeah...

-sighs- I guess I'm not in the posting mood right now... Sorry guys, I'll try again later... Love you guys.

-Reno-
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Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Oh my god... @.@ To much to fucking take in at one time...
So now that basically every one knows I got 'married', they're all flipping out x.x Every one on-line anyways, only about -counts- Fuck... x.x 5 people now at school know what happened. But every one on-line was flipping and then Sarah comes to talk to me suddenly and she's all...

Sarah: I FOUND A DRESS FOR YOU! n.n;
Me: o.O Dress for what?
Sarah: The wedding, no duh.
Me: o.o; The wedding already happened, honey.
Sarah: Nu UH! You still have to have the REAL wedding! Not just some crap at a dead end at two-AM XP
Me: -.-;;;... Shut the fuck up... I happened to like my 2 AM wedding... And as for the 'real' one... o.o I'm not even sure how long it's gonna be till then, anyways. So why you looking for dresses now?
Sarah: Because I'm just a girl like that... n.n;
Me: XD Okay?
Sarah: So you want to see or not? o.o; I already know you want an outside wedding, and you wanted color in the dress. So I found one that would work. It's has red, too n.n! I know you love red.
Me: Uhh... o.O Sure, okay... Lemme see.

So she gave me the link, I'll put it at the bottom n.n; It really is a pretty dress. Then she dragged me into looking at a bunch of dresses. And I ended up really only liking two of them. The one she showed me, and one Dante helped me pick ^^" I'll put them both at the bottom, so you guys can have your say, too.

So besides Sarah being such a 'girl', and dragging me into it so I got into 'girl mode', too XD Then I got Dante into it, and Matt, too. It was actually a lot of fun to pick out stuff, even if I know the wedding may not be for a long time... I can always hope it may not be to far.

Anyways. So Henry was back at school today. He was waiting for me just like he said he would n.n; I feel SO much better now that I have finally seen him. It was getting to be unbearable without him. So my day was as normal as it could get past that...

Unless you count the blizzard... x.x

Okay, so this morning it was all nice and sunny. Then after first period it was a bit cold, but I didn't think anything of it. But then, after I left the library with Henry to go back to the south, it was a total fucking blizzard! You couldn't see three feet in front of your face! It was horrible. It didn't stop till just after last period had started. So it kind of came and went. It was freezing while it was around, though.

Meh, so I guess I had a bit of a boring day. -shrugs- Oh well... It feels good after all that has happened lately, though n.n;

So, here are the dresses...

One and Two I like the second one in the line, but I kinda like the sixth one, too. Tell me what you think.

Bye all! n.n;

-Reno-

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Monday, March 7, 2005

-Forces yogurt down her throat- x.x;…
I haven’t really been able to eat any thing with out either throwing up and/or wanting to throw up ever since Friday. I’ve been trying to basically force food down my throat, so I won’t get sick or any thing. I don’t really know why, but I’m guessing it’s just all of the stuff going on lately… It’s all so stress full, and my body just can’t take it. Or it could be those damn pills I took, it kind of started happening a bit after I took them. Maybe it’s a bit of both… But whatever… I’ve been trying to drink a lot to keep my energy up, so I won’t just pass out.

-sighs- So Henry wasn’t at school today… I guess his Mom wouldn’t let him come. It was so hard getting through it all with out him… I haven’t seen him since he was running back to the van from my doorstep on Friday morning, and I haven’t spoken to him since later in that day. I don’t know how much more I can take of this… It’s so fucking hard doing this with out him here by me. Every once in a while I find myself with my arm kind of draped over my stomach, just knowing that either I killed some thing that was there… Or there still is some thing there. Either one, it’s nerve wracking to think of it… If it is some thing still in there, knowing that it’s going to be a someone one day is even harder to think about.

Dante’s was making fun of me. Saying how I must be pregnant, since I’m so moody. -.-; Then he asked if he could be the godfather of it. I said yes, it was the only thing I could think of to shut him up. But I do kind of want Dante to be the godfather… He’s my best friend, and I know he would take good care of it… Oh my god, look at me >< I’m fucking talking about all this kinda shit, and I don’t even know if I really am still pregnant or not. –laughs a bit- I guess a part of me wants it, but I think it’s that part of every girl that just wants to have a child. That ‘mother’ thing o.O; I’m not sure how else to put it. Kind of like an instinct. But then I just remember how I’m still only 16 years old…! x.x Then I start to flip again. Mom already said she would not help if I was pregnant, and I would have to deal with it by myself. I think Dad would either kill and/or disown me. And I hate to ask for money from people, because I know I have to pay them back. Even when they say I don’t, I still do. I don’t know why, it’s just the way I am. I know Henry would be there for me… But every one just keeps reminding me of how he…

‘Has no job, no car, no license, no education, not one way of supporting a baby. He’s only 17 years old, how fucking well do you think he will be able to handle a child?!’

–sighs- I kind of wince at the thought of all of that, but I know we could find some way to do it… I just know it. And I think Henry would be fine with a kid. Just as long as he doesn’t flip it around like his kittens x.x; Then I think he’ll be okay. -totally lost her train of thought- @.@ Damn it… I hate that…. I always crash things. I shouldn’t be aloud to drive my brain around… XD –thinks- Aw, fuck it. –starts from some thing else-

Anyways, so I’m trying to live life as normal as I can. I’ve only told Holly, Brittany and Tiffany what happened. Holly and Brittany because they’re some of my best friends, and Tiffany because she wouldn’t stop bugging me about it… -.-; I didn’t say it out loud. I wrote it all in this long ass, five-page note that was meant for Holly originally, but then Brittany read it and Tiff, also. I was at about four pages when I was only half way done, so I put it in really short form after that, and it still took up a whole other page.

I’m just praying to God that Henry will be at school tomorrow. I don’t know how much longer I can take all of this shit with out him… I love you guys, and thanks for all of the support you have been giving me. But stop by Henry’s site, too. I’m sure he’d love to get some one commenting there, besides just me… Or not, I’m not sure o.o;

-Reno-

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Saturday, March 5, 2005

I managed to change my life forever within, not even, one whole day...
-sighs- Okay... This will most likely be one of the longest post I will ever put up... So if no one ends up commenting, I understand why... But I could really use some advice after all this...

I'll just start from school on Thursday...

So we had a half-day. In the morning I just watched a movie about gargoyles in ceramics, then painted my pot. History we just watched another movie. I didn’t pay any attention, I just wrote Henry a five page note XD it was more like two and a half the way I wrote it, but whatever... In dance we ran around the school a few times, then watched the people perform, we go next class, and we are so not ready.

After school Henry rode the bus home with me and we walked down to Wal-Mart from my house, then went out to lunch with his parents. After that they drove me home and I passed out on my bed for a couple of hour’s worth of a nap. I wake up and decide to IM Dante for a bit. Well, another long story short, he doesn’t like me in a relationship way any longer. So I told him some stuff and that was the last time I got to talk to him since then. I got my phone taken away for later reasons, and the Yahoo! isn’t working in my computer, again. and I can’t get his AIM off his site to talk to him in the Wal-Mart IM, I really need to talk to him right now...

Anyways, so after that I set the phone down for a few minutes, then it yells at me saying some one is trying to talk to me on the MSN. So I go there and find that it’s Henry. So I talk to him for a bit, and this is where it all starts...

I told him I was doing ‘okay’, and he asked ‘just okay?’ so I just tell him yes, and that it’s just some stupid shit with Dante again. So he said not to go run off and get married to any one unless he wanted me for him to bring me out to Vegas so we could go to one of those 24-hour wedding chapels and get married. At first I thought he was just joking around, so I just went with it. Then he said he wasn't, that he was completely serious, so I started to think about it, and I decided to play it serious, too. So we decided to really get married... So he said he would come pick me up at 2:00 AM, so I packed some shit up. I don't know why, though. That was pointless. So anyways, at about 1:50 AM I snuck out and made my way down to the curb so dad wouldn't catch me. And around 2:15, Henry drives right past me and up to the house x.x; He didn't pay attention, so I called him an he drove back down to me. So we drove around for a bit, and ended up in Castle Pines on a street called Monarch Blvd. We stopped at the end of it, and you could see the moon so clearly. It was glowing an almost ghostly yellow color. All the starts were around it... It was absolutely beautiful...

So we said all the crap and kissed. Then since it was freezing, we got back into the car and drove back up to Castle Rock. At first, I thought he was gonna drive me back home already, but I didn't say anything. Then he turned and went up to the Outlets and parked there. So eventually, we made our way to the back seat and started to snuggle and such, then kissed and... -sighs- Then eventually it got a bit too much, I guess... And we had sex...

I'm not gonna put details or some shit like that. If you just really need to know what happened in between, just ask. But this post is already gonna be long enough, so I'm not going to put them up.

Anyway, so around six AM... My phone rings... x.x; And who else could it be... But of coarse... It's my father. So we’re both flipping out, and surprised it was so late already. Just for some time reference here, it was around four some thing when we ‘started’, so a good hour and a half, I think... Anyways, so we get dressed as fast as possible, and bolt towards my house. I don’t know what he was doing, but he drove up and around the neighborhoods near my house before he went down to mine. He said I should just try and lie and say I went on a walk to think, or that he took me out to breakfast or some thing. But I knew damn well that Dad already knew what I had done, most likely. So it would be pointless to try and lie, he would just find out eventually, anyways. Finally we both go up and I open the door while he stands a good three feet away incase dad come out with his gun or some thing, I think. I kind of wonder in slowly and asked Christopher where he is quietly. He said he had already left for work, and that I was in really big trouble because he had been trying to call me all morning. So I walk back outside and kiss Henry good-bye and tell him to run home so he wouldn’t die, either. After he’s gone, I realized I left my bag with all my stuff in it in the van. So I call him, and he said he would just keep it for now.
I wonder upstairs and fall into bed and pass out. Then a few minutes later, Henry calls and all he says is ‘I’m dead.’ then hangs up. I’m flipping out, but I knew not to call him back because that means his mom had caught him.

I guess his mom called mine, and she flipped and called me within a half an hour. I told her I needed to think for a bit, and she said to call her back in another half an hour to talk. So after an hour or so, I still didn’t call. Probably because I was passed out, again. But Christopher comes in with the phone and throws it at my head, telling me to get up and talk to mom. She starts asking all these questions, and I would answer a few, but others I would just lay there and not say anything. She ends up getting so upset that she said she would have to call back and talk later. So she did. She told me Dad wanted me to take the day after pill (Plan B, whatever you want to call it...) so I wouldn’t end up getting pregnant. I told her I didn’t think I was, but she told me she was positive. And right as she said that, I got a weird feeling something wasn’t normal with my body... And I knew then that she was right... I had gotten pregnant. I felt like I wanted to throw up, cry and scream all at the same time. But I held it in... A soon as she got off the phone with me, I immediately start to cry my eyes out... I don’t know how long I cried, but it was for a while. Henry called some where in between to see how I was doing. I asked him very hesitantly if he wanted me to take the pill. He didn’t speak for a second, and I guessed he was thinking about it. Eventually he said no. He said it was his mistake and he would have to deal with it. I told him he wasn’t the one who would have to deal with it the most, I was. He said that we would deal with it together, then. I was surprised at how mature he was being about all of it. Most guys I knew would have turned tail and ran as far away as possible. But he said he would stay by me. That meant so much to me. So after I get off the phone with him, mom calls back, still scared. She started to tall me about all the stuff she went through like this when she was younger, and that she didn’t want me to have to deal with it all, too. She told me about how she had lost to babies before me... One by an entopic pregnancy, and another be cause... -sighs again- Because my own father had gotten her pregnant at 18, and told her he didn’t want it. He made her get an abortion. Not only that. But he made her do it alone... He didn’t even go with her for support or any thing. He made her ride the bus down there and do it all herself... I will never think of my father the same way again.

After I got off of that phone call, I suddenly hear the garage door opening, and I immediately tense up. Within 30 seconds of hearing it, Dad knocks on my door and tells me to get out of bed. That I had an appointment at the clinic, and I would be taking the pill whether I liked it or not. So I crawl into the car and kind of curl into myself and look out the window the whole time. I knew not to argue or even say anything if I valued my life. I kept hoping Henry would be there to help me, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. Once we got there and checked in, the nurse told us to go down the hall to find where I needed to go. To get to the Gyn, you had to go right past the pediatricians. And figured they did that on purpose. All the older women looked at me with disgust on there face, like they thought I was some kind of slut. I just tried to ignore it all and fill out the paper work like I was told to do.

Once it was my turn, I went back with the doctor and she let me leave Dad in the waiting room. She just asked me a few questions, like if it was my first time and such. Then told me all this other shit about STD’s and diseases that I already knew, but I just tried to smile and get through it all. Then she asked me if I wanted to go onto a birth control pill, incase this thing with me and Henry was going to be a usual thing. I told her no. Because I’m pretty damn sure it’s not gonna happen again... Not for a very long time, anyways. She just said to come and ask for some if I thought I would ever need it. Then she went to put in the order for the pills and told me that nothing is 100% sure, so if I’m over a week late, that I needed to come in and take a pregnancy test. The pill is basically a huge dose of birth control, and that my body may act a bit weird for a bit, but if I ended up throwing up, that I needed to come back, and they would try some thing else.

So I went back out to Dad, who looks like he had been crying. His eyes were all red. I guessed it was because he had to go through all of this with mom, and now he had to do it again with his own daughter. We got back into the car, and he told me this... ‘You are never to see, or even speak of Henry again. Understand? As far as I’m concerned, he does not exist. He is never to be mentioned in this household again. UNDERSTAND?!’ I only nodded and curled into a ball. Then he’s all ‘That boys on my shit list right now... I can’t believe he did this shit to you!’ I wanted to say it wasn’t all him, and that it was mostly me most likely, but I knew it wasn’t the time.
As soon as we got home, he basically dragged me up stairs and shoved the pills down my throat. I didn’t have one say in it. And it fucking pissed me off. I still had not decided if I wanted to take them or not, but he didn’t even let me talk.

-starts to cry softly- So now, for the rest of my life, I have to live with the fact that I killed some thing that was already starting to live and grow inside of me... I have to live with the fact that this is all my fault. This has all changed me for the rest of my life... I will never be the same again. Because no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to get that thought out of my mind. It’s always going to be there, right in that dark back corner. It will never go away...

Then, after I cry for abut the 1,000 time that day, mom calls again to see how I am. I told her what Dad made me do, and she tried to apologize for him, and explain that he only wanted what was best for me. She was the one who wanted me to have my own choice in the matter, and she didn’t like that he took it away from me. Then she told me what Henry told his mother about me... She said that he told her that I was the one who lured him out to get me. And I was the one who pressured him into having sex. And that I wasn’t a virgin...! That last one was the one that got me the most. He knew DAMN WELL that I was a virgin. She said it was because I didn’t bleed or think that it hurt at first. And the doctor had even told me that that was common, and that it doesn’t happen to every one. All these thoughts started to race through my mind, but the one that stood out the most was this...

‘YOU FILTHY SON OF A BITCH!! YOU KNEW DAMN WELL I WAS A VIRGIN! HOW DARE YOU SPREAD LIES ABOUT ME TO SAVE YOUR OWN ASS FROM GETTING IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!!!’ I wanted to beat the shit out of him. So as soon as I had calmed down and got off the phone with Mom, I called his house. He was the one that answered. I told him first that I had taken the pill and didn’t have any choice in it. Then I told him I did not appreciate him lying to his mother about me. He told me he was trying to get us out of trouble, but in the back of my mind I heard him say ‘I was trying to get myself out of trouble by lying about you. I hope you don’t mind.’ I didn’t say anything,, though. And I decided to believe him...

I still love Henry. Don’t ask me why, but I do. I guess I’m just that fucked up in the head, and it will take some one pretty damn convincing because I am a VERY stubborn person. I still am his wife... But now I can’t even see or speak to him. And he said his mother wasn’t even going to let him come back to school any more. So if he doesn’t then I don’t know how the hell I will get through it...

-sighs- So I guess welcome to my fucking Romeo and Juliet style life... I still have a feeling I may be pregnant... But I won’t be able to tell for at least another wee or two... I guess I’ll just have to deal until then...

-Reno-

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Wednesday, March 2, 2005

All this marriage crap going around is making my head hurt... Not to mention my heart...
So, Justin apparently got engaged to some chick over the weekend that he has only been dating for about a month and a half. Personally, I think he's going to seriously regret it, but it's his life. At least he's waiting a while. He says he won't marry her until he's out of high school, at least. Oh, and did I mention... HE ONLY KNOWS HER ONLINE... x.x; He's being a fucking idiot, and I hope he can get his head strait soon, before I knock it off his shoulders.

-sighs- And then there's every one always talking about how Chris and Allie are going to get married. He gave her a $3,000 or some thing promise ring! x.x; Good lord... But at least they have been going out for about a year now. But he is going to school in Hawaii next year, and Allie trusts him. I think it's great that she has that much trust and respect for him. But Amanda thinks she us a fucking idiot for trusting him. She says 'Chris is a total HOTTIE, and if Allie thinks he's not gonna cheat on her, she's seriously gonna be heart broken. She knows damn well how many girls are all over him already, so just think about it when he's off in Hawaii on the beaches with all these beautiful women.' I tried to say that if their relationship is really going as well as it is, then I think she should be able to trust him if she feels the need. I just got thwaped in the face with a folder and made fun of x.x; Then she's all 'And when he does cheat on her and she comes crying to me, I'm just gonna laugh.' I told her that was horrible, but I knew well enough that she would be one to do that exact thing. She just slapped me x.o We're such loving friends XD Then her and Katie went on to make fun of me for kissing Henry in the hall, as usual -.-; They say since I'm the only one with some body, that I best get used to this shit. Yesterday was the 'Oh Henry' day, they kept making fun and did it in this weird voice I can't imitate. Every advisement day they make up some new shit to make fun of me with him about... v.v; I WANT TO KILL THEM SOME TIMES XD

o.o; What was I talking about again x.x;; -looks up- OH YEAH, the marriage stuff. Shut up, you all know by now that I'm an idiot...

Okay, so there's the Chris and Allie thing, the Justin one, and... I'm going to get my ass kicked and he won't every speak to me again... But I need to get this off my chest... Me and Dante had a very... Interesting conversation Monday night... I didn't remember it all at first, but I knew I had done some thing pretty fucked up. So I asked him to tell me what I had said...

(( Sorry, this is kind of long... ))

Brianna (3:43:43 PM): x.x; Fuck this, I give up
Dante (3:43:51 PM): ?
Brianna (3:44:01 PM): Trying to find this
Brianna (3:44:02 PM): x.x
Dante (3:44:09 PM): Trying to find what?
Brianna (3:44:49 PM): -sighs- I wanted to find the conversation from yesterday... But yahell didn't save any of my mobile conv like it's supposed too x.x;
Dante (3:45:26 PM): Why did you want it
Dante (3:45:29 PM): >_.;
Brianna (3:45:46 PM): I wanted to see where the fuck I started to go so very wrong... v.v
Brianna (3:45:46 PM): x.x
Dante (3:45:57 PM): o_o;;
Dante (3:46:01 PM): You scared me...
Brianna (3:46:20 PM): I'm sorry... I don't think I was to right in the head yesterday
Brianna (3:46:22 PM): v.v;
Dante (3:46:30 PM): >_>;...
Brianna (3:47:13 PM): Just all of the wedding crap then I asked you all of that shit, and I barley even remember what I said...
Brianna (3:47:14 PM): x.x;
Dante (3:47:38 PM): Yeah well...
Dante (3:47:40 PM): <_<;;
Dante (3:47:43 PM): -Fetal position.-
Brianna (3:47:53 PM): >< What did I say? TELL ME
Dante (3:48:05 PM): The whole fucking marriage thing
Dante (3:48:07 PM): XD
Dante (3:48:14 PM): Scared me so shitless.
Dante (3:48:16 PM): o_O;
Brianna (3:48:33 PM): o.o You have to be specific here, I don't remember much
Brianna (3:48:35 PM): x.o
Dante (3:48:47 PM): Just, never talk of this again.
Dante (3:48:50 PM): >_>;
Brianna (3:49:03 PM): <.< I will... ONCE YOU TELL ME WHAT I DID
Brianna (3:49:04 PM): XD
Brianna (3:49:04 PM): x.x;
Dante (3:49:21 PM): I can just easily iggeh chu cuz that shit really scared me
Dante (3:49:23 PM): >_>;
Brianna (3:50:41 PM): v.v.... Please? All I remember is thinking Justin is an idiot, then you saying you never wanted to get married because of commitment or some thing, so I tried to give you an example and you said some thing about only me and now it's all blank besides a few blips of it
Brianna (3:50:42 PM): x.x;
Dante (3:51:12 PM): Never fucking speak of this again...
Dante (3:51:15 PM): .....
Brianna (3:52:05 PM): Please, Dante. You know me, you know I won't stop bugging you until you tell me or I think hard enough and I will figure it out so just tell me now and I promise I will NEVER say ANYTHING about it EVER again...
Brianna (3:52:17 PM): It's just gonna bug me till you do
Brianna (3:52:18 PM): x.x;
Dante (3:52:41 PM): NO!
Dante (3:52:43 PM): THAT'S FINAL.
Brianna (3:52:49 PM): -cries- WHY
Dante (3:52:58 PM): BECAUSE......
Brianna (3:53:07 PM): -whimpers- Because why?
Dante (3:53:18 PM): CUZ I FUCKING SAID SO
Brianna (3:53:34 PM): -cries again- Please
Brianna (3:53:38 PM): I NEED TO KNOW
Dante (3:54:10 PM): FOR WHAT PURPOSE
Brianna (3:54:29 PM): BECAUSE I NEED TO KNOW WHY MY FUCKING HEART HURTS SO DAMN MUCH
Dante (3:54:41 PM): .....
Dante (3:55:23 PM): Get your fucking mind off it. I'm not going to tell you, and if you speak about it one more time I'm NEVER going to talk to you again. Understand?
Brianna (3:56:06 PM): -whimpers and looks to the ground and nods- Okay.....

So I'm not supposed to ever talk about it again, but I can't help it... I need to get this out... I just hope he doesn't come and read this and never speak to me again... I don't know what I would do...

So I thought about it, and I finally remembered what happened... And I really don't think I was right in the head... This is basically what happened...

Dante told me about how Justin was getting married, and I told him I already knew. Then he said some thing about how he never wanted to get married because it was too much damn commitment, and he didn't want to deal with it. So I tried to give him an example of how if him and me were dating, and he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, then wouldn't he want to get married? So he said yes, to you or some thing like that. So I asked 'only me...?' trying to get him to understand the point. But all he did is say it again... 'Only you.'

So I fucking start banging my head on the wall then I don't even fucking know what happened to me, but I just started typing shit. So I think I said some thing like,

Me: So if I were to just drop every thing right now and ask you to marry me, what would you say?
Dante: >.> HELLS YEAH
Me: o.o;; Really...?
Dante: Yeah. I'd have to get my shit together over here, but yeah o.o
Me: What do you mean?

So then he goes into trying to explain it to me, but I still didn't get it x.x; Typical me... And not all of this is exactly what was said; I’m just trying to do this out of memory as best that I can... Then we got into some other thing that eventually led us up to me doing some thing like this...

Dante: Why? o.O You gonna ask me to marry you or some shit?
Me: -shrugs- I dunno...
Dante: >.>;;;;

As this is going on I think my thought are as follows... 'WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON?! WHAT AM I DOING? Why can't I fucking stop, I don't understand what's going on any more, even...' Then it goes kind of blank as I freak him out more then any thing I have ever done before... We some how got to a weird part of the conversation, and I don't remember how... But the thing that sticks out in my mind is this...

Me: -cries- I WAS GONNA FUCKING ASK YOU TO MARRY ME...! I don't even know what I'm doing any more...
Dante: >.>;;;;;
Me: v.v;;; I'll just go, bye...
Dante: I'ma go to... I can't handle this shit right now... Latah...

I have no fucking idea what I was doing or thinking at that point, I think I was really tired. I haven't been getting much sleep lately... And now Henry prolly hates me... SO there goes some one else who will never speak to me again... v.v; My life is so fucked over just because I'm going to post this up... But I don't know what I may end up doing to myself if I didn't get t out some where. Dante's usually the one I go to to talk about every thing and any thing I need to, but I can't on this one... I was afraid I might hurt myself if I didn't get it out soon...

Oh... And just incase your wondering... Yeah, Dante does like me... He has for a while. He didn't tell me until I was starting to feel so alone and shit back right before Henry and me started going out... Back then I had Matt not he mind, s till, too... And he was jealous of them both... And I think I hurt him a lot when I started going out with Henry, but I want him to be happy... He's one of the greatest friends I have every had, online or off, and I don't know what I would ever do with out him...

Actually I do...

I'd die...

-Reno-

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Monday, February 28, 2005

I don't think I helped Henry get on my dads' good side this weekend... v.v;
Well, Firday I was going to go over to Birttany's so me her and Holly could all watch movies and just hang out. But it didn't work out because I had no ride and Holly got into trouble, so yeah. Saturday I thought was Holly's party day, but it turns out it's this upcoming Saturday, oh well...

So I just laid around untill around noon-ish or so, I think, when Henry called from the skate park down the street. He asked if he could come up to see me, so I said yes, not really thinking any thing of it. So I rushed around and threw on some clothes, and right as I finish brushing out my hair and stuff, the door-bell rings and I run down to see Henry already here. He was breathing heavily because he skate boarded all the way up the hill to my house right after he got off the phone with me x.x;; He could have just walked.

Well, I let him catch his breath for a second while the dogs barked and whined to be pet like they always do.

{Lazy complaining things, the have the whole basment to themselves down there and they complain... -.-;}

Anyways, after that we went up to my room and hung out for a bit, then... o.o; Wait... -thinks- Aw fuck it, I'll just put basically all of what happened... Please don't kill me Henry... x.x;

So we started to do some of our poking games, then tickled each other. I won. I always win at those. He's so damn ticklish XD Anyways, so then we snuggled a bit and started to kiss... And kiss some more... And... o.o; You get the point... Then after, I don't even know how long... We were at it for a good hour and/or more, so a bit into it I... Uhhh... o.O I took off his shirt and then... {Please don't kill me Henry x.x} He took off mine, and we kissed some more.. And- You already get the point... So then I hear the grage door open, but I didn't think any thing of it besides it was just Christopher with one of his friends grabbing their bikes or some thing... I was so wrong...

It turns out it was dad coming home from work. I thought he worked from 7 to 5, but it turns out he only needed to go in for a few hours to check on some stuff. So we were still oblivious to this as we keep going. Then, I'd say, about 10 or 15 minutes after the grage door opened, I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. But, once again, I only think of it to be Christopher getting some thing from his room before he leaves. Then three seconds later, we hear a huge, angry bang on the door, and dad yelling for me to open the door...

So I'm flipping out as I grab my shirt and pull it on, while Henry's looking around for his which I threw on the floor next to the bed. Meenwhile, dad's getting really pissed and slamming on the door some more, starting to yell. I finally open the door as calmly as I could to him red in the face and telling me and him to get down stairs and for Henry to call his mom to come pick him up.

I wonder out side to get some fresh air and to get away from dad as Henry calls his mom. I kinda just sit on the stairs as Henry sits opposite of me. I tried to bang my head a few times to stop thinking about how much trouble I had probablly gotten him, and myself, into. Then, of coarse to make matters worse, dad comes out and fucking threatens to beat the shit out of Henry. And, litteraly, pick him up and throw him out if it happens again. {He's not stupid, he knew damn well what we we're doing, but his mind took it to far...} And the scary thing is, I know he will...

My Dad + Me and either boys that are my friends or my boyfriend = BAD x.x;;;

He's never liked any of my guy friends because he always thought I was dating and/or having sex with them... I'M STILL A FUCKIGN VIRGIN! -.-; He once asked me if I was pregnant by one of my best friends, Avery, because he was always over at the house all the time. He basically lived there during the summer time... I was only sbout 12 or 13 when he asked me. I wanted to kill him...

What was I talking about agian...? -scrolls up- Oh yeah! Sorry, I get lost easily o.o;;

Anyways... So a few minutes later his mom dirves up and he hops into the car. I still stat out side and out of dads way. Eventually I guess he made his way upstairs and to my room and check all of my sheets and the floor for... o.O;; Yeah... WE DIDN'T DO ANY THING!

Then I see Henry's mom drive back up, and I get up a bit confused thinking maybe he just left some thing inside... But of coarse not... -.-;; To make matters even worse, as if they could be, she wanted to talk to my [extremely pissed] dad. And, of coarse, we tlaked in the street. Ya know... Just in case the neighbors wanted to hear, too x.x;; Not really, it was for Henry's dad, but whatever.

So we had a lovely conversation on how me and Henry are to never be alone in a room by ourselves any longer, and know he's grounded from seeing me even longer now. {I think} And then it went into how we should never even be making out because it could lead to some thing. She doesn't want us to even make out because she says we have no intention of being in a relationship for marriage purposes, or anything like that. I wanted to disagree or say some thing, but I just kept my damn mouth shut and nodded and agreed so I wouldn't get an even worse beating from dad. And she doesn't like it when we have our arms around each other, either, I guess...

So my dads just standing there, agreeing with every thing she says... He's a fucking hypocritical bastard -.-; When he was going out with Jennifer, they were both always all over each other and upstair fucking in his room... No one best talk to me about premarital sex... 'Cause me and all of my firends motto is that 'you have to test the car before you buy it'... XD I know, we're horrible... BUT IT'S TRUE DAMN IT!

And my mother has no place to be crittisising me, either. She lost herself at 13. And actually, she says just as long as I tell her if I have or not, I can. She knows damn well she can't stop me. And that brings me to my mother calling around 5 or 6 with her monotone disappointed voice... -.-; I wanted to just hang up on her. She asked me about 6 to 9 times if we had had sex or I gave him head or any thing. And each time I told her no. She still doesn't believe a word I said, even if she says she does, you can tell she doesn't. Then she goes into the whole sex and pregnacy talk with me for, about, the 1,000,000,000 time. About how 'I may be physically ready, but I am far from mentaly ready to have a child.' And how I'm not sure Henry wouldn't just walk off and leave me with the baby to raise by myself. {In which I'm sure he wouldn't, I don't think he's one to do that. And Dante and every one else would hunt him down and kill him if he did, anyways XD} I just told her for the -looks up for how every much she put XD- 1,000,000,000 time that I know, and I understand. And plus, if we do, I know to be carefull, I'm not that stupid.

God damn... This is one long post... o.o;; Sorry about that. and that was all just Saturday basically XD So here's Sunday in a quick thing.

Went out to lunch at Black Eyed Pea with dad, then went out and looked for a cat at the shelter. Almost got one, but Christopher would flip if we got one with out him, so we didn't. Went over to Wal-Mart and got some milk and pants for meh ^^ then went home and I cleaned the whole house for Saturdays doing x.x;; And that's basically it.

o.o So I have dragged on quite long enough, so I will let you all go, though I doubt any one took the time to read all of that XD

Bye all!

-Reno-
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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

-just got home from school- x.x; I hate that place.
Well, yesterday, I went over to Holly's house after school for her birthday! She's sweet 16 now! Yay! ^^ Me her and Brittany are all about two weeks apart when it comes to our birthdays,s o that's cool. So anyways, I went over there and we watched Vanhellsing then ate dinner. We had BBQ chicken wings with noodle and regular salad, along with some baked potatoes. It was good. Then we had chocolate cake and mint chocolate chip ice cream ^^!! That's my favorite kind. After that we watched Monty Python, that shit is hylarious! I love it.

Britt got there around 7:30 since she had to work untill 6, I think. So we ran upstairs and talked for about an hour then we had to go home because she had to get up at 5 this morning x.x; I could never do that, EVER.

So this morning I come to find that I left my books and every thing over at Holly's house, so she brougth them to me today at lunch. Then in advisment we had to see our test results fro the plan test x.x; Mine sucked. I got a 33 on science! A 33! x.x I'm obviuosly not gonna be a scientist. THen it's sepposed to tell you waht you should be when you grow up. It gave me all the shit I knew I already wanted to do, so I find that whole 40 or so minutes a waste of time.

I WANT MY 40 or so MINUTES BACK!

o.o;; I'm better.

o.O So.. I think that's it. Dnace i didn't do any thing or history and ceramics this morning I didn't get to work on any of my pots because they were still in the kilm, so I just wedged some clay the whole time XD

I guess that's all, talk to you guys late. Love ya!

-Reno-
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Monday, February 21, 2005

Thanks mom x.x;
Well, I was supposed to be grounded all day today because of last night. But I guess not. She said as long as I was to clean my room, the two bathrooms, Christopher's room, the kitchen, and vacume the whole house, I could have as much time as I wanted on the computer x.x;; Damn my needs... XD

So Henry was supposed to be grounded yesterday, but his mom let him go to his youth group bowling thing. So he called me around noon{?} I think, and asked if I wanted to go with him. I said I did, but I needed to ask mom and get all the details so she didn't flip out like usual. (( She isn't just protective... If she could have me live in a fucking bubble, she would x.x; )) So I didn't want to bother her at work, so I didn't call her. So around 4{?} she called and told me she was shopping -.-; So I just asked her and she said it was fine, she just needed to know what time I would be home. So I told her around 11 or 11:30. She complained, then said it was okay.

So I sat around on the computer arguing with Justin and Dante for a few hours. Then I noticed I had about 30 minutes to get ready x.x; So I rushed and put on make up and shoes, then I tried to put a curl in my hair, but it wouldn't work -.-; So then I tried to straiten it out, and it just got frizzy x.o So I ran out of time and I just gave up and went out with one friz spot on the side of my head.

So we went down to the church and got on the bus. After Henry got tackled and hugged and such by all his friends, of coarse. So then there was the play fighting of Ally and Skye with the hat, then we got there and bowled. What a shocker, aye? The bowling balls got stuck or some thing in the second game ia think, so Henry kicked it and they all poped out, it was actually more funny then it sounds, I promise o.o;; So then we ordred some cheese fries, but we didn't get to eat them because we had to leave. So Henry just gave them to the guy behind the counter. We rode home with the singing divas in the back row. They kept singing the Titanic song and stuff like that. Me and Henry just shared some ice and did our usual poking games. We have no life n.n;

Back at the church we went in and watced NP, then after it was over we piled into the van to go home, and guess who calls -.-; Mom called because it was 11:05. She was flipping out because I wasn't home yet. She told me I wasn't going to see Henry tomorrow {That didn't matter, I already couldn't, but I didn't say any thing} then she took away the phone and computer and basically hung up. I hate her some times...

Anyways, so we rushed home and then said 'goodbye' o.o;;; And that was ysterday basically...

o.O Yes

XD

So I'll talk to you all later, love you guys!

-Reno-
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Sunday, February 20, 2005

I need to post more often... x.x;
Gah... I have to learn to post more often. I begin to forget what I do after a day or so x.x So the last time I posted was... Tuesday? o.O Uhhhh... x.x; Wens. - Thursday, I dun remember x.o Friday = NO SCHOOL! I went out to a dance with Henry, it sucked x.x There was only about 30 people MAX. But it was fun besides that.

Today mom came in at 8:30 and woke me up saying we were going shopping all day x.x;; Have I ever told you guys that I HATE SHOPPING x.x;; But oh well. We got a few picture frames and a new bedspread for me ^^ Then we went and got a pedicure... n.n;; So nice -has pretty toes now- ^^" Heh. Then we wnet to squeaze and got some juice, then home to put up the new blinds in my room, so it will be at least a little bit warmer in there.

o.o I guess that's really it in a short sence o.o; So... Yeah... Bye all XD

-Reno-
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