Saturday, March 5, 2005

I managed to change my life forever within, not even, one whole day...
-sighs- Okay... This will most likely be one of the longest post I will ever put up... So if no one ends up commenting, I understand why... But I could really use some advice after all this...

I'll just start from school on Thursday...

So we had a half-day. In the morning I just watched a movie about gargoyles in ceramics, then painted my pot. History we just watched another movie. I didn’t pay any attention, I just wrote Henry a five page note XD it was more like two and a half the way I wrote it, but whatever... In dance we ran around the school a few times, then watched the people perform, we go next class, and we are so not ready.

After school Henry rode the bus home with me and we walked down to Wal-Mart from my house, then went out to lunch with his parents. After that they drove me home and I passed out on my bed for a couple of hour’s worth of a nap. I wake up and decide to IM Dante for a bit. Well, another long story short, he doesn’t like me in a relationship way any longer. So I told him some stuff and that was the last time I got to talk to him since then. I got my phone taken away for later reasons, and the Yahoo! isn’t working in my computer, again. and I can’t get his AIM off his site to talk to him in the Wal-Mart IM, I really need to talk to him right now...

Anyways, so after that I set the phone down for a few minutes, then it yells at me saying some one is trying to talk to me on the MSN. So I go there and find that it’s Henry. So I talk to him for a bit, and this is where it all starts...

I told him I was doing ‘okay’, and he asked ‘just okay?’ so I just tell him yes, and that it’s just some stupid shit with Dante again. So he said not to go run off and get married to any one unless he wanted me for him to bring me out to Vegas so we could go to one of those 24-hour wedding chapels and get married. At first I thought he was just joking around, so I just went with it. Then he said he wasn't, that he was completely serious, so I started to think about it, and I decided to play it serious, too. So we decided to really get married... So he said he would come pick me up at 2:00 AM, so I packed some shit up. I don't know why, though. That was pointless. So anyways, at about 1:50 AM I snuck out and made my way down to the curb so dad wouldn't catch me. And around 2:15, Henry drives right past me and up to the house x.x; He didn't pay attention, so I called him an he drove back down to me. So we drove around for a bit, and ended up in Castle Pines on a street called Monarch Blvd. We stopped at the end of it, and you could see the moon so clearly. It was glowing an almost ghostly yellow color. All the starts were around it... It was absolutely beautiful...

So we said all the crap and kissed. Then since it was freezing, we got back into the car and drove back up to Castle Rock. At first, I thought he was gonna drive me back home already, but I didn't say anything. Then he turned and went up to the Outlets and parked there. So eventually, we made our way to the back seat and started to snuggle and such, then kissed and... -sighs- Then eventually it got a bit too much, I guess... And we had sex...

I'm not gonna put details or some shit like that. If you just really need to know what happened in between, just ask. But this post is already gonna be long enough, so I'm not going to put them up.

Anyway, so around six AM... My phone rings... x.x; And who else could it be... But of coarse... It's my father. So we’re both flipping out, and surprised it was so late already. Just for some time reference here, it was around four some thing when we ‘started’, so a good hour and a half, I think... Anyways, so we get dressed as fast as possible, and bolt towards my house. I don’t know what he was doing, but he drove up and around the neighborhoods near my house before he went down to mine. He said I should just try and lie and say I went on a walk to think, or that he took me out to breakfast or some thing. But I knew damn well that Dad already knew what I had done, most likely. So it would be pointless to try and lie, he would just find out eventually, anyways. Finally we both go up and I open the door while he stands a good three feet away incase dad come out with his gun or some thing, I think. I kind of wonder in slowly and asked Christopher where he is quietly. He said he had already left for work, and that I was in really big trouble because he had been trying to call me all morning. So I walk back outside and kiss Henry good-bye and tell him to run home so he wouldn’t die, either. After he’s gone, I realized I left my bag with all my stuff in it in the van. So I call him, and he said he would just keep it for now.
I wonder upstairs and fall into bed and pass out. Then a few minutes later, Henry calls and all he says is ‘I’m dead.’ then hangs up. I’m flipping out, but I knew not to call him back because that means his mom had caught him.

I guess his mom called mine, and she flipped and called me within a half an hour. I told her I needed to think for a bit, and she said to call her back in another half an hour to talk. So after an hour or so, I still didn’t call. Probably because I was passed out, again. But Christopher comes in with the phone and throws it at my head, telling me to get up and talk to mom. She starts asking all these questions, and I would answer a few, but others I would just lay there and not say anything. She ends up getting so upset that she said she would have to call back and talk later. So she did. She told me Dad wanted me to take the day after pill (Plan B, whatever you want to call it...) so I wouldn’t end up getting pregnant. I told her I didn’t think I was, but she told me she was positive. And right as she said that, I got a weird feeling something wasn’t normal with my body... And I knew then that she was right... I had gotten pregnant. I felt like I wanted to throw up, cry and scream all at the same time. But I held it in... A soon as she got off the phone with me, I immediately start to cry my eyes out... I don’t know how long I cried, but it was for a while. Henry called some where in between to see how I was doing. I asked him very hesitantly if he wanted me to take the pill. He didn’t speak for a second, and I guessed he was thinking about it. Eventually he said no. He said it was his mistake and he would have to deal with it. I told him he wasn’t the one who would have to deal with it the most, I was. He said that we would deal with it together, then. I was surprised at how mature he was being about all of it. Most guys I knew would have turned tail and ran as far away as possible. But he said he would stay by me. That meant so much to me. So after I get off the phone with him, mom calls back, still scared. She started to tall me about all the stuff she went through like this when she was younger, and that she didn’t want me to have to deal with it all, too. She told me about how she had lost to babies before me... One by an entopic pregnancy, and another be cause... -sighs again- Because my own father had gotten her pregnant at 18, and told her he didn’t want it. He made her get an abortion. Not only that. But he made her do it alone... He didn’t even go with her for support or any thing. He made her ride the bus down there and do it all herself... I will never think of my father the same way again.

After I got off of that phone call, I suddenly hear the garage door opening, and I immediately tense up. Within 30 seconds of hearing it, Dad knocks on my door and tells me to get out of bed. That I had an appointment at the clinic, and I would be taking the pill whether I liked it or not. So I crawl into the car and kind of curl into myself and look out the window the whole time. I knew not to argue or even say anything if I valued my life. I kept hoping Henry would be there to help me, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. Once we got there and checked in, the nurse told us to go down the hall to find where I needed to go. To get to the Gyn, you had to go right past the pediatricians. And figured they did that on purpose. All the older women looked at me with disgust on there face, like they thought I was some kind of slut. I just tried to ignore it all and fill out the paper work like I was told to do.

Once it was my turn, I went back with the doctor and she let me leave Dad in the waiting room. She just asked me a few questions, like if it was my first time and such. Then told me all this other shit about STD’s and diseases that I already knew, but I just tried to smile and get through it all. Then she asked me if I wanted to go onto a birth control pill, incase this thing with me and Henry was going to be a usual thing. I told her no. Because I’m pretty damn sure it’s not gonna happen again... Not for a very long time, anyways. She just said to come and ask for some if I thought I would ever need it. Then she went to put in the order for the pills and told me that nothing is 100% sure, so if I’m over a week late, that I needed to come in and take a pregnancy test. The pill is basically a huge dose of birth control, and that my body may act a bit weird for a bit, but if I ended up throwing up, that I needed to come back, and they would try some thing else.

So I went back out to Dad, who looks like he had been crying. His eyes were all red. I guessed it was because he had to go through all of this with mom, and now he had to do it again with his own daughter. We got back into the car, and he told me this... ‘You are never to see, or even speak of Henry again. Understand? As far as I’m concerned, he does not exist. He is never to be mentioned in this household again. UNDERSTAND?!’ I only nodded and curled into a ball. Then he’s all ‘That boys on my shit list right now... I can’t believe he did this shit to you!’ I wanted to say it wasn’t all him, and that it was mostly me most likely, but I knew it wasn’t the time.
As soon as we got home, he basically dragged me up stairs and shoved the pills down my throat. I didn’t have one say in it. And it fucking pissed me off. I still had not decided if I wanted to take them or not, but he didn’t even let me talk.

-starts to cry softly- So now, for the rest of my life, I have to live with the fact that I killed some thing that was already starting to live and grow inside of me... I have to live with the fact that this is all my fault. This has all changed me for the rest of my life... I will never be the same again. Because no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to get that thought out of my mind. It’s always going to be there, right in that dark back corner. It will never go away...

Then, after I cry for abut the 1,000 time that day, mom calls again to see how I am. I told her what Dad made me do, and she tried to apologize for him, and explain that he only wanted what was best for me. She was the one who wanted me to have my own choice in the matter, and she didn’t like that he took it away from me. Then she told me what Henry told his mother about me... She said that he told her that I was the one who lured him out to get me. And I was the one who pressured him into having sex. And that I wasn’t a virgin...! That last one was the one that got me the most. He knew DAMN WELL that I was a virgin. She said it was because I didn’t bleed or think that it hurt at first. And the doctor had even told me that that was common, and that it doesn’t happen to every one. All these thoughts started to race through my mind, but the one that stood out the most was this...

‘YOU FILTHY SON OF A BITCH!! YOU KNEW DAMN WELL I WAS A VIRGIN! HOW DARE YOU SPREAD LIES ABOUT ME TO SAVE YOUR OWN ASS FROM GETTING IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!!!’ I wanted to beat the shit out of him. So as soon as I had calmed down and got off the phone with Mom, I called his house. He was the one that answered. I told him first that I had taken the pill and didn’t have any choice in it. Then I told him I did not appreciate him lying to his mother about me. He told me he was trying to get us out of trouble, but in the back of my mind I heard him say ‘I was trying to get myself out of trouble by lying about you. I hope you don’t mind.’ I didn’t say anything,, though. And I decided to believe him...

I still love Henry. Don’t ask me why, but I do. I guess I’m just that fucked up in the head, and it will take some one pretty damn convincing because I am a VERY stubborn person. I still am his wife... But now I can’t even see or speak to him. And he said his mother wasn’t even going to let him come back to school any more. So if he doesn’t then I don’t know how the hell I will get through it...

-sighs- So I guess welcome to my fucking Romeo and Juliet style life... I still have a feeling I may be pregnant... But I won’t be able to tell for at least another wee or two... I guess I’ll just have to deal until then...

-Reno-

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