Monday, March 7, 2005

-Forces yogurt down her throat- x.x;…
I haven’t really been able to eat any thing with out either throwing up and/or wanting to throw up ever since Friday. I’ve been trying to basically force food down my throat, so I won’t get sick or any thing. I don’t really know why, but I’m guessing it’s just all of the stuff going on lately… It’s all so stress full, and my body just can’t take it. Or it could be those damn pills I took, it kind of started happening a bit after I took them. Maybe it’s a bit of both… But whatever… I’ve been trying to drink a lot to keep my energy up, so I won’t just pass out.

-sighs- So Henry wasn’t at school today… I guess his Mom wouldn’t let him come. It was so hard getting through it all with out him… I haven’t seen him since he was running back to the van from my doorstep on Friday morning, and I haven’t spoken to him since later in that day. I don’t know how much more I can take of this… It’s so fucking hard doing this with out him here by me. Every once in a while I find myself with my arm kind of draped over my stomach, just knowing that either I killed some thing that was there… Or there still is some thing there. Either one, it’s nerve wracking to think of it… If it is some thing still in there, knowing that it’s going to be a someone one day is even harder to think about.

Dante’s was making fun of me. Saying how I must be pregnant, since I’m so moody. -.-; Then he asked if he could be the godfather of it. I said yes, it was the only thing I could think of to shut him up. But I do kind of want Dante to be the godfather… He’s my best friend, and I know he would take good care of it… Oh my god, look at me >< I’m fucking talking about all this kinda shit, and I don’t even know if I really am still pregnant or not. –laughs a bit- I guess a part of me wants it, but I think it’s that part of every girl that just wants to have a child. That ‘mother’ thing o.O; I’m not sure how else to put it. Kind of like an instinct. But then I just remember how I’m still only 16 years old…! x.x Then I start to flip again. Mom already said she would not help if I was pregnant, and I would have to deal with it by myself. I think Dad would either kill and/or disown me. And I hate to ask for money from people, because I know I have to pay them back. Even when they say I don’t, I still do. I don’t know why, it’s just the way I am. I know Henry would be there for me… But every one just keeps reminding me of how he…

‘Has no job, no car, no license, no education, not one way of supporting a baby. He’s only 17 years old, how fucking well do you think he will be able to handle a child?!’

–sighs- I kind of wince at the thought of all of that, but I know we could find some way to do it… I just know it. And I think Henry would be fine with a kid. Just as long as he doesn’t flip it around like his kittens x.x; Then I think he’ll be okay. -totally lost her train of thought- @.@ Damn it… I hate that…. I always crash things. I shouldn’t be aloud to drive my brain around… XD –thinks- Aw, fuck it. –starts from some thing else-

Anyways, so I’m trying to live life as normal as I can. I’ve only told Holly, Brittany and Tiffany what happened. Holly and Brittany because they’re some of my best friends, and Tiffany because she wouldn’t stop bugging me about it… -.-; I didn’t say it out loud. I wrote it all in this long ass, five-page note that was meant for Holly originally, but then Brittany read it and Tiff, also. I was at about four pages when I was only half way done, so I put it in really short form after that, and it still took up a whole other page.

I’m just praying to God that Henry will be at school tomorrow. I don’t know how much longer I can take all of this shit with out him… I love you guys, and thanks for all of the support you have been giving me. But stop by Henry’s site, too. I’m sure he’d love to get some one commenting there, besides just me… Or not, I’m not sure o.o;

-Reno-

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