Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Here's a bit more of an explanation...
Time: 9:44 pm – 10:28 pm

Mood: Don’t ask… Or I may cry more…

Eating: Nothing. I’m not in the mood to eat.

Post: So I decided to at least fill you all in a bit. Not too much, or I’ll just break down and cry some more… So… Yeah.

-sighs- So on Saturday morning I wake up and hop onto the computer around 8 am or so, because I couldn’t fall back asleep. I had a horrid feeling in me that wouldn’t go away. So I did all my regular site and such, then decided to go to Henry’s xanga blog to see what was up with him. I do that once in a while since he can’t really post on the otaku any more. But anyways, I got there and the first thing that I see, in big, bold letters, is ‘my dad is dead.’ So first I just kind of sat there, perfectly still, just trying to take it in. I didn’t blink or anything. I tried to shake that away and I told Matt Matt. (No, not you, sweetie, the other Matt.) He asked me if it might be some kind of joke he was playing, but I told him most likely not. He wouldn’t be one to do that, especially not about his father. So then I tried to think of any other explanations to it, but nothing came to me, so I hopped onto the joke bandwagon and thought maybe it was just a joke. I finally got mama to come over and look. She didn’t really seem to care. All she said is to call him, so I did.

I grabbed the phone and wondered to my room almost zombie like and literally fell into my bed and just laid face down. (I do not do that very often, for those of you that don’t know. It really bothers me for some reason, I always feel like I’m going to suffocate or some thing.) I finally got up enough to call him. And then we kind of talked for a bit, but I don’t remember much, or want to I guess. But I do remember going into Mom’s room, fighting back all I could with my tears to ask her if I could go over to see him since he wanted me to.

She said no.

The one time he needs me, and she says no. She said ‘it was not an environment she wanted me around.’ YOU REALLY THINK I GIVE A FUCK!? He needed me, and she couldn’t care less! The only reason why I didn’t just flip out and strangle her was because Henry was on the other line telling me not to make her mad, because it wouldn’t help anything. I knew he was right, so I just went back to my room. Then I remember her coming into my room and telling me to get off the phone because an hour should have been long enough to talk to him. --;;! I just about exploded…She was being absolutely horrid about all of it. And her explanation was that she was trying to ‘protect me.’ PROTECT MY ASS! She just doesn’t want me to grow up. She wants me to get a job and have all these responsibilities, but when I try and handle some ting big like this, she turns me down and treats me like she did when I was four!

-shaking so bad with anger and shit, tries to calm down… whimpers- I want my Dante, or John John, or Matty, Matt Matt, Courtney… HENRY! I WANT ANY ONE! –cries-

-takes a deep breath- Okay… So then I had to hang up, and I became so stubborn. Worse than I have been in a very long time. At first I just sat there and cried until I couldn’t any more and my eyes hurt when I had them open. Then I went into my ‘I’m not talking to anyone. And if I do, you best watch out because I will chew you out and spit curses at you so fast you won’t be able to think.’ Mode. I stayed in that one for a long while. Brittany called while I was in the middle of it all, and I refused to even talk to her. One of my best friends and I wouldn’t talk to her. That’s when I knew it was bad. During all of this, though, Mom kept trying to get me out of bed. Want to know why? To look for a job… I’m bawling my eyes out, and she wants me to go look for a job!? I told her no so many times I lost count, she finally gave up I think. But she still wanted me out of bed. So she just about dragged me out and threw me in the car and I had to go shopping with her because my goddess of a mother had a date that she couldn’t possibly miss… Stupid whore… --; She needs to go get that damned vibrator out of her drawer and find some more 30-year-old guys to fuck… Fucking horrid bitch. All she wants to do is ruin my life so she can feel better about herself.. Fucking slut… -curses her out for a bit longer-

-growls- Sorry about that… Anyways. So once I got home my father, of all people, calls and said he would be willing to drive me up to Larkspur (Or however you spell it XD) to see him. I would have thought he would be the last person to do that. But then mom reminded me that Jennifer was there, so it was her idea. (It was, he told me that later on.) Anyways, so I go hop into the shower, and right after I get the conditioner into my hair. Mom bags on the door saying I have people over to see me… x.x; Hello? I WAS IN THE SHOWER! XD So I grab a robe and go out to find Brittany and Fed Ex out there waiting for me to go to the mall with them like we had planned to do. I told them I was going to Henry’s house and they understood. I’m so lucky to have friends like them…

Yeah… So I go down to Henry’s house. With dad barking rules at me the whole way there. I wasn’t supposed to get too close and such or go into the house. Shit like that. So once I got there, I ran up to him and hugged him and we stood out in the cold for a while. I kept telling him it would all get better, it was all going to be okay, and stuff like that. I had no idea what to say, otherwise. I have never had to deal with a death in my life before, so this is a first time thing for me. He just laid his head onto my chest and I think he was trying not to cry. He is always trying to be strong around me, he thinks he needs to be strong all the time because he is the husband and he needs to protect me and such. I rubbed his back and the back of his neck a bit, as I laid my head onto his shoulder. More and more people kept on coming into the driveway so we had to move out of the way. It got much better by the end. We were kind of joking around a bit, and he seem much better after I left. Or at least I hope he was.

So Sunday I didn’t really get to see or talk to him much and today he came to school. He said he just wanted to be normal, and I totally understand that one. But he has been sick lately, and I guess it got to be too much. After lunch he said he was having a really hard time seeing, like it was blurry to him. I stood right in front of him and he could barely see me. I told him he should go to the nurse, but he kept telling me he was fine. (The strong thing again, I think.) So I let it go and just went to class, but a bit into it I got a bad feeling that some thing was wrong. And I knew it was my Henry. (Stupid 6th sense ><) I just tried to focus and talk to Allie, Brittany, Krys and Tina for a bit. But a soon as class was over I rushed out to where I usually meet him and he never came. I was so worried. Then some person comes over and says that he is in the nurse’s office because he had some trouble during his last class, then just leaves. So I start flipping out and as soon as I got home I called him and he said he had thrown up and his mom was coming to get him. I knew I shouldn’t have let him go to class ><

This is a lot longer than I had planned it on being o.o; So, I’ll stop… I feel much better now that that’s al out of my system. I always do after I write these things. So I love you guys and I will talk to you later.

-Reno-

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