sorry
well school is ending and im rushing around to get my grades up and have things be nice and all so i have very little free time lately... as in EVER... but still. yes this is why i havent been on in who knows how long. in a little while when school ends ill just go to summer school but at least then i can relax a LITTLE bit. anyways im going to leave you all till then with love. i might post between not and then but its doubtful so if not then now you know my reasoning and dont need to worry ^^. anyways till we meet again ^^!

love you all always and forever,
~neko-chan
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Thursday, May 11, 2006

god help me...
i want to run...
run far away...
to a land...
where no one will ever find me...
i want to find peace amongst the stars at night and in the clear ocean water...
on a clean beach never before touched by this false god we have dubbed man. by this machine barely smart enough as to take care of itself but protects itself by killing off all other life!
i want protection from the ones who hurt me. i want to be safe in a place where no one will be able to touch me without my wanting it. i want to fell my body being carressed by the hand of moonlight. i want to go to the island... ive been there before but only when taking 3 or 4 people there. the isle of night... even when i took people there they didnt really see it... even i havent seen all of it... i cant go there without a will strong enough to defy all of human thought. my will was broken and as such i am trapped until i can rebuild myself. with great misfortune i regret to say that once again i have died... but... ice can protect itself and if you make a dent in the ice just run a little water over it and let it freeze over anew. only problem with ice is that when you try and get close to it... well... try sticking your tounge to a metal pole in teh dead of winter during a snow storm. youll find out... you might not even have to wait for all those conditions to be as such. god save me... i hate this feeling... this cold feeling... i cant stand it... but the alternative... the alternitive i dont think i could bare...

save me...
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Monday, May 8, 2006

stalking peeves
alright. so tody this girl who likes to be around me sometimes (she annoys me) mentions that this dude (i guess its her X?) is stalking her. i ask, "well what's he doing?" to which she replies, "well this morning i was hanging out at the coffee place and he came over to say hi and then i left becasue i didnt really want to talk to him and then my friend told me later that he left right after i did!"

.... am i the only one who thinks shes an idiot? i mean are all girls like this? this inconceivably ignorant? i mean nothing against girls but my fuckign god this is ridiculous. and its not the first time ive heard people doing this! just because a guy might like you so he stops by to say hi DOESNT mean hes stalking you!!! stalking is when the jackass has memorized the plate number of the car you drive or get driven home in! stalking is when he you see him hanging out in a tree outside your window and when you ask what the fuck hes doing he says, "oh nothing i was just passing through." and tries to look innocent! its not saying hi! its not going to the same school as you or going to the same mall as you. down here there are two malls but EVERYONE goes to the downtown! almost no one goes to coddingtown! just because you see the dude at downtown does NOT mean hes stalking you! my god how ignorant can people get?! fuck i dont know...
so anyways about last night... yeah i still feel like shit... thats ridiculous... i.. i honestly dont know what to think or to say... nothing makes sense and i want it all to end... but omar asked me, "if you knew that the world would end tomorrow, what would you be doing right now?" and i told him i would be running to a girl i already know who is, and im not saying who so go fuck yourself, and i would get on a knee and confess even if i knew it wouldnt do anything and she doesnt love me. she might have said she did but come on... i... i dont know if i can believe her on that... this girl loves two people one being me... another being... well its another, lets leave it at that, and im 100% loyal to her even though im not alowed to even tell anyone about this. i say it on here because you guys dont know who and you seriously would never guess (mostly because i think maybe one of you has even ever heard of her and that was in brief so chance of remembering her is pretty slight...) but yeah im loyal to her completely and fully, i do my best for her and try to be something close to being worthy, which i know im not, nor will i ever be but even I, the Prince of Fools, is not stufpid or selfish enough as to say "fuck you im not worthy so im gone." though things would be easier that way it is nothing but selfishness disguised in selflessness that only pisses me off.
what im getting at is that though im not the best for her by any means, nor am i able to always be there, nor even able to do the things i would like with her (go see a movie, hang out together, anything would be nice really), im still loyal even if she says she loves me yet shows... shows so little affection... like shes nice to me but theres a difference in being nice and being affectionate. same with caring and a few other things. i dont know it just bugs me...


so next topic, am i in love? i think im in love but then again ive never been in love to know if i am in love. when i think about her with someone else i tell myself, "well at least shes happy" but inside it destroys me. when she even might be getting mad at me i get chills down my spine and want to do anything i can to make her happy again. when she seems dissapointed in me like ive let her down nothing in the world matters but making myself better for her again so that she will be proud of me, so to speak. i mean come on i try hard in school for her... that should be saying enough right there. when shes sad it fills me with a feeling like all i want is... is to fix every problem this worl has so that it can be perfect for her and she can be happy again. i think about her all the time and long to be with her but when i see her my heart skips a beat (which it turns out really does hurt like a son of a bitch...) and when im around her i get nervous like i have to be my best so i dont skrew up around her. i dont want her thinking im just some idiot or that im some sort of underdressed, clumsy, moron. i want her to think that im smart, elegent, graceful, etc., etc., and simply perfect for her. i want to be everything she could ever want and more, like she is for me... but then i dont care if we touch. i would love to hold her and be with her and all but the sex and everything that i just dont really want... its not my thing, its not what im looking for in a relationship i guess, but is that love? i mean it tears me up inside to know she likes someone else but its not... its not like im sitting here demanding that she is with me and me alone. i dont do alot of the stuff that "they" say is love. but does that mean its not love? or what is it? and arent you supposed to know undoubtedly if your in love? no question? then why did it take so long for me to understand and accept it?

i dont know i guess it doesnt matterr... *sigh...*

love you always,
neko-chan
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i talked to mia today a bit... this just happened and i need to get this out... there, at noon, were questions i wanted to ask about chelsea but no longer wanted to becasue mia tries to stay out of that and i try to respect that and understand that. anyways so i know why chelsea really dispises me very essence of being but before that i dont know what i did to make her hate me so that she was avoiding me... mia forced the questions out of me and well... i think i may have been better not knowing... she said... "Because she was tired of you." its like when i get hurt about mia i cant breath and my lungs turn to lead and every breath i manage to take feels like my last but... unlike mia i dont feel a pain in my heart like a fist clentching it trying to squeeze out all of my life force to drink my emotions as though it were juice of the sweetest kind, that she could thrive on whilst killing me, but instead i feel sick to my stomache... why...? why is this? why so much pain in such a strange way? i... i dont know i just want to die in times like these... no dying isnt the right term... i want to have chelsea as a friend again... i want to appologize... to hold her and have her want to be my friend again aswell... i want us to be happily able to get along once more... i dont want her to hate me...

on other knews my heart has started to skip beats... that... that isnt fun... and in fact its quite embarrasing...
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Saturday, May 6, 2006

long time
well its been a hecktic while. well... alot has happened... some of it i dont want to talk about some i do and some i cant. i think ill list a bit

1.) at the choir festival we took fourth gold but i still cant sing worth shit. i swear i suck so badly and im tired of people telling me "no you dont i like your voice." most of you havent heard me sing! i have a horrible airy sound that sucks! i try to fix it but no matter what it doesnt work! so fuck choir!
2.) well the mia dreams have continued but not in the same intensity. me and mia are doing rather well as friends surprisingly enough.
3.) worst news ever has been recieved and i cant talk about it.
4.) best news ever has been recieved and i cant talk about it.
5.) things with john are getting annoying. i dont know if he still reads this and i dont care its MY blog. he's being a brat about me not being able to spend all the time he would like me to with him. i have a fucking life besides him! he doesnt fucking understand how much im doing right now and even when we get into a discussion about it at the worst possible time he still doesnt seem to get it! i spell it out for him and let him know that if he has a problem with me having a life past just him, im sorry but i dont give a flying fuck.
6.) tonfa are great fun.
7.) im getting better with daggers.
8.) life kinda sucks... but i push on... i dont just give up and talk about how i have intention of killing myself. i admit i do put my problems on others more then id like but god damn... this is fucking ridiculous... yep thats about it...

wow... i didnt realize i was so mad lately...
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Thursday, April 13, 2006

   god im so damn tired...
alright im tired beyond all beliefe right now.... it suckes... anyways i am so damn tired that ive actually come up with a modern adaptaion of Adam and Ever that would WORK. nno one should EVER be that out of it...here it is:

so two hippies (adam and eve) go to some area of a rainforest where no one has ever been before and its absolutely beautiful. the air is cleaner there then anywhere on earth probably and everything is just perfect. so then theyre living there and the people cutting down the rainforest (god) cant touch that area because theyre living there. So then this continues for a while and what not and then they need to go out for food. and so (to follow the demonization of women to the best of my ability) the Eve character goes to search for food and finds something, like some kind of tropical fruit tree or something that has the most wonderful fruit imaginable. Anyways so Eve tries the fruit and loves it but being a hippy doesnt want to take any more fruit then she knows is going to be eaten so she grabs one for herself and one for the Adam character and returns to the camp/tree/thingy. When she gets back she gives the fruit to Adam who loves it aswell and with this fruit its understandable why they love it (yes it is just that good) so she tries to get him to go down there so that he knows where the tree is as well. he would rather stay at the tree but she continues to try and get him to go with her. Finally he agrees and they go to get the fruit and, of course, while theyre out the God characters, who are everyone trying to cut down the forest but havent been able to because they were there, come and cut it all down. Adam and Eve have a wonderfully beautiful time out and all was great. they were happier then they've ever been in their life and upon return to the camp/tree/thingy are suddenly dumbstruck in pure amazement that everything is gone and ruined.

its a perfect modern adaptaion. if i missed anything then PLEASE LET ME KNOW because i intend to write this in detail because im hoping i can get extra cred in english or something. anyways im about to get kicked out of the library so i love you all! please comment with your thoughts!

~neko-chan ^^
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