Saturday, April 8, 2006

im very sad right now
ice cream helps melencholy. vanilla bean.
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   my last post makes me laugh
none of my friends who read my blog have talked to me sense then and no one comments. heh. its funny. now moving on. not much to move on to. im watching the movie Stay right now. its a pretty damn good movie. psychological thirller type thingy.im thinking of creating a new blog. ill still use this one but the other one would be for other things... forgive me...
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Thursday, April 6, 2006

disturbed kicks so much ass...
right so im in the library once again and ive gotten very little sleep lately. yesterday i was running on 2h and today was 3. im so tired. people think im ignoring them becasue im tired and doing my homework. ive been asked today by a few people "why are you ignoring everyone but meghan?" im not ignoring you for one, im doing my homework. two, meghan comes up and TALKS to me. you guys all just sit there and im lucky if i get so much as a hug from you. right so... what else... i cant remember anything. like i know everything i just dont know where or why i know it. i take the test and i cant remember any of it but i know all the answers. its weird. its been happening alot lately. then my eye sight gets worse with lack of sleep which though i havent discussed it with other AHBs (actual human beings) i assume it works that way with everyone. all i know is that i have wonderful vision normally and lately ive been doing everything with my eyes closed to prevent from giving myself a headache... for instance right now im typing with my eyes closed... *sigh*... some of my friends have been bugging me while im reading this "Night" book. its a really good book about this jew during WWII. its all a true story written first person from writer's (a survivor) point of view. anyways most people dont like it because they either cant handle it or feel guilty. i, being a jew, dont feel any guilt and have grown up on these stories and am thusly used to it and can fully appreciate this book. but there in lies the problem. im a jew. not by religion, but by birth. some people seem to have problems with me being a jew. they take pride in their being a german, italian, irish, english, scottish, polish, whatever, but i cant take pride in my heritage of being a jew? what the fuck? and even when i call them on it they avoid it. they wont come out and say it verbally but they continue to say it physically and mentally. it just pisses me off. besides everytime i find something to take pride in or just something i like everyone seems to shoot me down. i find a religion and everyone is all "your too obsessed!" something fun to do, "your too obsessed!" a band, "your too obsessed!" video games, "your too obsessed!" dnd, "your too obsessed!" everything, "your too obsessed!" and now my heritage? wtf is wrong with you people? do you not realize what your doing to me? you always complain, "oh your self-esteem is too low" though you dont use those exact words of course. its usually more of "you dont give yourself enough credit" or "your better then that" or whatever its all the same. point is you always say that but you guys help in making me that way! now those of you who are doing it are either getting mad right now because im calling you on it or are all sad and sorry about it. if its the first then go fuck yourselves! if its the latter then dont be sorry just dont do it! if you want to sit there and insult me then fine but i can only take so much before it gets old. if you want to joke around at least think about what your saying and how it might effect those your saying it to. and yes it is sad that i of all people should have to say this. now my only regret is that even though i say this so openly most people im trying to say this to dont know i have a blog...
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Wednesday, April 5, 2006

read my previous post first or you wont understand!
right ok so i just found out it doesnt say time but you know i did it! >.^.^)> <(^.^<) <(^.^)> ^(^.^)^ hehe ^^ alright so then i went to film and watched a horrid baseball movie. i mean it really wasnt all that bad it just couldnt hold my attention. i mean it was like it wasnt trying. like your supposed to hold onto the movie as opposed to the movie holding onto you. i dont know it just sucked. anyways. so i went home. oh i listened to that The Who album i got. it bloody well rocks! so i get home and i cant go on my dads comp because its sorta broken and hes fixing it. i go on my moms. i hop around on conversations for a while then im mia and we had a nice chat. eventually it got to where we actually talked about what had been bugging us about the other and we decided to talk about it.
....silence....
i was so bloody scared. like i had no reason to be but i was just shaking and it felt like my heart was in a bloody blender i couldnt understand it and... my god it was just like "wtf? why am i so damn scared?" anyways so it went better then i htought and we talked about a bit of things and got it all resolved and i think things might work out this time ^^. then later we were talking and i somehow got a quick tragick splash of depression and i said that i really hope we move soon. then she said something that surprised the hell out of me. "theres a house for sale down the street from me." just a little while ago we werent even speaking and now its like shes asking me to move near her. and that made me very happy. like taking a shot of instahappy it was strange because i began to think about what that would be like. living just down the street from a friend. probably within 5min walking distance. like my first friend was michelle. that was summer before 7th. she lives in NJ. small problem, no? so then in 8th i meet tessa and cami and sensei. then i meet the group in 9th. but like the closest friend i have (physically) is like... 45min-1h walk downhill (lets not talk about hte uphill...) to his house. and i dont even really like him that much. hes a friend but we arent close. but i mean ive never had a friend who lives NEAR me (thus why im always inside and not outside with my friends). but the thought of living that close to a good, close friend... dude thats awesome... indescribable... god its two... im fucked tomorrow. one last thing. so i mentioned my nightmares to mia not thinking that she might want to know what happened in them. so i told her they were on my blog not expecting her to still have my blog. she did... after posting that big ol' post the other day. i asked her not to read that one and felt guilty about it because it feels wrong giving her access to my site then saying "alright you can check out my site but you can only read what i say because i'm to insecure (i think that would be the right word im looking for) with myself as to let you read certain things." i wasnt going to beg her not to read it i just asked her not to and she didnt. i really respected that but felt all guilty about it. the reason i didnt beg was because then its even more guilt and if shes going to read it then shes going to read it. there is nothing i can do to stop her and im not deleting the post. and even if i could stop her i dont think i would. choice is hers. i just hope that if she does read it it doesnt effect our relationship. like im still not sure about all of that stuff and even if it was her like that to me aswell i dont think i would do anything because im not sure. im still all... foggy... im confused. i am lost and helpless and i admit it. and in all truth im probably fucked. but i will find my way if there is a way to find. i just hope it works out for the best. i was just given another chance at friendship with mia and i wouldnt give that up for anything. im not gambling. she might start checking my site now. i dont expect her to but i guess ill just have to wait and see. either way im not going to censor what i write jsut because of that. *you: you already did. me: shut up!* anyways i need sleep.

love you all
~neko-chan
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   in a hurry
hey its 1:18 and im in a hurry because i want to post at 1:23am on 4-5-06 yes 123456. anyways ill post this then post the rest after. ok. so. well i went to school today. i dont really expect a whole hell of a lot but my friends really dissapointed me when only 2 seemed to really notice me. one just kinda ignored me and did so all day. i have no idea why but then again i cant know why unless they TALK TO ME!!! *facepalm* what is wrong with these people? ok well i got a gift from meghan and satan and they rocked. satan painted me japanese for friendship which made me all happy and warm and fuzzy inside. after that meghan gave me two awesome manga (Godchild #1 and Nana #1) and some charcoal so i can start drawing with it which ill need to figure out how to do. cant be too hard right? well got to post.
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Tuesday, April 4, 2006

   hey ^^
well its today (you: no shit! me: leave me alone *cries in corner*) and i just got back from judo at the JC. my parents gave me the first of my birthday presents while they're still waiting for the loan to go through so thye have some money to BUY presents. i told them i dont need anything but they dont listen. anyways im quite happy with my gifts ^^.

1) Disturbed ~ Ten Thousand Fists
2) Panic! At the Disco ~ A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
3) The Who ~ Quadrophenia (ive never heard the who but theyre supposed to be good and my dad said it's like a rock opera so it should be pretty cool ^^)
4) Myst 10th Anniversary DVD Edition ^^!

yeah its all prtty cool but i cant play myst till my comp gets back. it turns out my powersupply is probably fine. the truth is far worse... it turns out my motherboard got fried ;-;... we used the warenty(sp?) and i should have it back in 2-4 weeks (after not having it for a month...) but alas that comes not without problems! they are going to try and keep my 70gigs of data in tact but no promises... thats years of work, pictures, projects, etc, that if lost, is irreplaceable. theres a pretty shit chance of me getting my data back but... i have hope... after all that's all i really can have right? oh well. so at the concert on friday we got a red medal (second best) and sunday the all men's chior i saw was chanticlear(sp?) which is a group of 12 guys ranging from base to countertenor. they were and are amazing. what really amazed me was the first song they sang was the first song i sang: Jubilate Deo. then the 3rd song they sang was the 2nd song (title: a boy and a girl) chambers sang at CMEA(the friday concert)except they sang the ENTIRE song which must have been like 12 minutes and had a HUGE ending with overtones that left the crowd in shock and ended with standing applause. after that for two songs they proceeded to sound like birds XD goddess it was amazing. i think im going to die early. then after they finished they left and we clapped till they came back out and bowed again and left again clearly not wanting to do an encore and we clapped and cheered until they came back out AGAIN! and we FORCED them to sing us one last song ^^!

before they started i had gone to the bathroom. i find them and theres this swarm of girls out there and its like O.O!!! i mean there wasnt a single guy but me and all these girls. kinda creepy really. so then i head to the mens and a girl stops me, "sorry theres a girl in there already" im like wtf? and then two dudes from chanticlear come out. first off id like to point out im in San Francisco when this is going on. so the girl comes out and we all go in. there's two stalls. they both take one and i wait and its silent then they get out and start washing their hands as i go in one. its all quiet except the sound of the water running in the sink and all of a sudden they both break out in song! the bird song no less! i jump and am like HOLY SHIT! but dont say anything and with my awesome ninj4 skillz dont make a sound and then they stop after about 15 seconds. then in a very strong gay accent (there is a gay accent, you know its true) one says (i think hes an alto, which is a girls range and its where i want to sing), "omg i recorded myself the other day singing that. why didnt you tell me i suck?" the other was a little lower (tenor i believe) and not as strong of a gay accent, "you dont suck" "yes i do!" then they leave and im left in there like O.O "i really am in SF...."

well ive been sleeping almost the entire time that ive been home lately and ive had three long dreams. each more annoying then the last and each less scary then the last. im not sure which i prefer. the first had me stranded in sr during a nazi takeover and because i look clearly jewish in everyway but my nose (thank god)and im sitting there avoiding the nazi's that basically have complete controle and i while i'm trying to blend in seeing all these people just get picked out of a crowed because theyre jewish and shot on the spot. they didnt notice me and then i noticed Mia. i tried to get away as she left (shes clearly not jewish and as such safe) so i try and go to her hoping she can protect me. she's leaving and doesnt see me. suddenly im pulled aside by a nazi and they want to make an example of me with some fucked up invention. i see her enter a garage of some house. i think im going to die and really turn out to just be another statistic. ill die a worthless death after living a worthless life. anyways so theres a crowed of jews watching and im about to die as nothing more then an example. i think "what example? what are you trying to prove? to say? nothing! you just want an excuse to take out pent up rage, you fuckers!" now after a long mental torture of waiting to die as they talk and try and get this machine to work im finally about to die and then in front of me, behind them, a jew is running and making an excape from another group so this group leaves me and runs off to stop them. i, now with the first tears ive cried in... goddess ive lost count of the years, i run to the house where mia went and the garage she entered was still open and i run to it but it begins to close and i run with all my might and i get there just as it closes and i bang on it and call to her to save me. and finally after a little bit of pounding and calling to no avail i fall to the ground crying. then i wake up... the mia part was what i found annoying and you can understand why i was scared. the two i had today were less scary. the first was all about mia which annoyed the hell out of me. the next thankfully had nothing to do with her except a little in the start then went to me in a rat race to LA and getting lost and having urges to help people change their life around, saw a girl crying and i went and talked to her and she helped me a little and then this guy needed some help so i tried to help a bit and thats when the dream got bloody weird. he was a bloody willard and called all these black rats for me to RIDE on down to bloody fresno! a friend caught up to me and then when we got there there was an ambulence and i saw her leg and it was all purple around the knee and just 4 words, "we have to amputate" then they held her down and i'm in shock and they take this huge curved knife and jam it into her leg and rip all the way down the leg and then take a saw and start cutting. im in shock and want to stop them but cant move. im ready to cry and cant stand seeing her in this pain and all the gore and these people hurting her for goddess knows why and i cant even breath im so frozen in place. i wake up and lie in bed frozen like that for fifteen minutes slowly regaining life with those last haunting images stuck in my head. i regain my ability to breath after about 3minutes of lying there paralyzed. after 10 i can open my eyes. by fifteen i can move but barely. i regain normality at 20. *sigh*. life is just grand, no? oh well anyways im tired and have to go to bed. i need to appologize to people for not seeing them on friday. till we meet again.

love you all
~neko-chan
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