Tuesday, March 15, 2005

   im back
im back and im for the most part out of depression. i still hate myself but im much calmer about it ^^. i beat the crap out of my punching bag but i dont want to go into details about that (the league of punching bags jumped me and swore me to secrecy >>) so ya ive got to hurry. momll be here any second to pick me up and take me to the jc for my spanish class. we have to do the play 2day. speak of the devil. shes over my sholder right now. ^^;;

well ill hope to write when i get home but i may be a tad bit tired. we'll see. anyways i must go now.

ja matte ne ^^
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Friday, March 11, 2005

goddess im really worried about school. Yuri wants me to try harder i no even tho she doesnt say it much. Kamui just thinks im a bloody idiot tho... i think they may hold me back or kick me back to middletown (the only reason im at the school i am at is because they let me through an interdistrict transpher). the bad thing is that thats not even the bad thing... thats like 3&4...

oh well im trying now (in all but math but hey i already aced algebra last year im NOT taking it again just because my geo teach was an ass). i dont no what im gonna do... i need to get community service hours in FAST but no one will tell me whats going on with it! >< even tho i do community service all the time i need it to be approved and they wont approve anythign!

i could easily quit school and become an artist, writer, w/e. its not gonna work... the chains on my wrists and ankles are tying me down. they wont let me go no matter how hard i pull or how much i beg. it could be years before they rust and break.

my mom has a friend whos dying from cancer. it really sux but my moms letting it destroy her life and the virus killing my mom is spreading and infecting me. my mom thinks my life is dam near perfect. i no there are ppl worse off but my life isnt perfect by any means and she has no right to treat me like she does! i dont even get to have a birthday because of her! guess what shes giving me for my birthday?! im getting my wisdom teeth removed! so no party or anything and i already new i couldnt count on anything from them! i mean i dont want gifts i just want to be able to be around the ppl i care about! but i cant do that because im gonna be stuck in my freaking bed! im turning 15... this is the year ive w8ed for... this is the year i decided would be the best year of my life... ill got see michelle this year. somehow. ill got to anime expo this year. ill do things RIGHT this year! i wont skrew up! i wont let everyone take this away from me! well even if i dont let them during the time im 15 i frgt one fatal flaw. i frgt to prepare while i was 14 so things are being taken away now. i have next to no chance of going to anime expo, probably wont meet michelle in person. probably gonna repeat 9th grade. probably gonna get kicked back to MHS. all that and then theres other i dont wish to talk about. GODDESS WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!!!!

i almost wish i had never met cami-chan or anything... if that had happend i would probably still be w8ing to get my first friend and id still be protected. back when i was in 8th grade i met cami-chan and it was my first friend more or less (this is if you dont include michelle who i only know online while cami is in person). b4 i met her i was a cold heartless bastard who cared about himself and michelle. everything else meant nothing. i would get in trouble and i could get in fights and i could do everything i cant do now and not even care (everything save being mean to girls which just isnt right). when i met cami-chan i got friends and i started being nice to ppl and wouldnt get in fights because she didnt like it and all that stuff. but it also means now i have to feel remorse and all that crap! i hate it! ive always hated myself but now its worse and only gets worse. i mean i wouldnt trade my friends for anthign but god why couldnt i still be a mean heartless jerk...

w/e ive ranted enough... ill leave you with some good words:

Part of me won’t go away
Every day reminded how much I'm hated
Weighted against the consequences,
Can’t live without it so it’s senseless
Want to cut it out of my soul
And just live with a gaping hole
Take control of my life
Wash out all the burnt taste
I made the problems in the first place
Hang my head low cause its part of me
You’ll hardly see right next to the heart of me
Heard of me?
The wounds soon scar
New cuts cover where the old ones are
And now I’m sick of this
I can’t stand the sandpaper thoughts that grate on my sanity
I’d rather not even be
Than the man that’s staring in the mirror through me

ja matte ne
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   formula for ear!
well lets see... today i get up really early cuz i blew off the book report so i was still a bit tired but thats just too dam bad now isnt it? i dont have time to sleep... anyways so i get to school and we have a test in paulson (science). its on chemestry. my best subject. i havent payed attention to ANYTHING at ALL for the whole chemestry section of science. im sitting here like "dude im skrewed really bad this time". i think i 0\/\/|\|Z0|2|> that test hard.

in adv. (think homeroom), i read catalyst (so good!!!! *loves*) then went to myt spanish class to get help from my teacher on what i was doing last night (the skit).

in math i was really happy for the first time in math for so long!! there was a sub who actually thought i did the work and even tho i never said i did the work she thought i did so i never lied ^^ butr i got to read catalyst and then my friend allan (we're the 2 outcast freaks of the class, me because im a pink cute fluffy cat ear wearing freak who is actually willing to stand up against the teacher (yes while wearing the neko ears.) and allan because his neclace is a huge thick chain held 2gether with a nice size padlock and he wears a cape and almost never talks to anyone in the class but me.) came over and we started talking and things go weird from there... we talked about the weirdest stuff and then about how the class acts like they arent listening to us but we no they are and:
allan: "the walls have ears!"
me: "where?!"
allan: "there!" *points to clock* "oh wait thats just a clock... but it could be an ear!"
me: "ya instint ear, just add fire."
allan: "YA! i got it! clock plus fire equals ear!"
me: "ya! but it would be a hot ear."
allan: "ya we just need like heat resistant gloves or something."
me: "or a mold! ya! fire plus clock over mold equals ear!"
allan: "ya! *points to cardboard box* that could be the mold!"
me: "ya! but its not very ear shaped.... i know! sciccors!!!"
allan: Ya! so scissors plus cardboard box=mold, flame plus clock equals liquid ear! liquid ear over mold equals ear!

thus the fomula for ear is:

fire+clock
----------------------- = ear
cardboard box+scissors

ya... told you we were freaks ^^;;;

id type more but ive said too much already ^^

ja matte ne ^^
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Thursday, March 10, 2005

   crap
save me. ive got spanish 2maro and i have to write a script for a 3-5min play with 2 actors and a narrator! im one actor and the other actor, Paco, cant help right now and the narrator, my mom (i no it sux doesnt it?), wont help. her: "id help but i have too much on my mind right now" and i dont?!?!? wtf, mate?! who the hell do you think you are?! god i really dislike her... oh well anyways after this ive got to throw together a book report from a random book ive read and i dont even remember what my teacher asks for in a book report >< i havent tried in his class in so long! and i promised ppl i would start trying and now i have to do all this useless crap that i dont remmeber what the teacher asks for with ><. oh well id better go if i want to get some sleep... tho chances are im not getting any sleep 2night.

well ja matte ne and sleep tight world

"I'd rather not even be, then the man that's staring in the mirror through me."
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Wednesday, March 9, 2005

   yay!
sry i havent been on as of late. ive been really depressed and all and nothings been seeming to be right. worse part is everyone can see it><. and they no im not telling the truth when i tell them im fine. most of them read this XD. i no they no so its pointless to hide it anymore. i just didnt want to talk about it. which is y i have no intention of posting any of what it was about on here. gomen nasai *bows*.

anyways 2day has definately been a good day ^^. first off i... well it didnt start out good... in fact this morning kinda sucked... let me think... um... *thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking* ya then in paulsons science class this jerk srew on my binder ;_; worst thing about it was even tho i new i could kick his 455 i couldnt because (my friends) kelsey, tessa, meghan, cat, (the list goes on...) would kick my ass... and so now i have a ruined binder... but w/e... and paulson put me and cat on opposite ends of the classroom!!! and im right in front of him!!! ;_;... so anyways then in math i pissed off the teacher and have a meeting coming up (not good), but then during english i got to sit with my friends near a really cute girl while in the theater thingy to listen to the author of speak, catalist, fever 1793, and prom (i think thats correct titles and spelling of the titles), Laurie Halse Anderson! it was so cool!! i bought 2 books (well actually 3 but i gave one to my friend cuz she didnt no it was 2day and didnt have her money or her books). but ya so i got to talk to her about what its like to be an author and stuff it was so cool!!!

ya and then i went to spanish which is always fun yet in a not fun way. AND I GOT *&% ON MY SPANISH TEST!!!! IM SO FREAKING PROUD!!!! ^^ *loves* *huggles my test paper*
*starts talking dirty to it....ppl stare....o.o....* lol j/k on the last part ^^;;;;;;;

oh and anjelon-chan is back!!! and she wasnt sick!!! i was so worried that she wasnt well but she was just chillin' in NC ^^ thank goddess ^^.she was showing me her poems. shes really good. beautiful poems.

speaking of poems the other day michelle showed me her poems!!! they were so pretty!! michelle is good at everything she does its no fair. ^^

well anyways im gonna go now

ja matte ne ^^
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Friday, March 4, 2005

no comment on me taking a catgirl test...

-Stray-You are an independent cat you know the
streets weather they are old or new. Though you
don't look rough you are. You draw caution to
anything un explored. (e.g. Humans) Which has
made you look like a strange un playful cat
with a bad temper.


What anime catgirl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Wednesday, March 2, 2005

   spanish test
well the spanish test went well ^^. better then i thought at least ^^;;;. so ya i go home and am playing FFI again and am kicking ass then decide i should go to bed so im not too tired...this is of course only to find out i have another spanish test 2day in my other spanish class...-.-... y me?

but anyways i think i did really good on 'em ^^! well so what now...

um... im nearing the time that i will test for my green belt in danzan ryu jujitsu and kodakan judo! ^^ maybe in a month

april first!! if i can get some private lessons ans stuff and go to saturday classes and stuff then ya i could do it i bet!! the day after my b-day! also the day sensei will give me 15 brutal throws!!! i per year ^^

well anways im gonna go for now. ja matte ne all^^
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Tuesday, March 1, 2005

help!
ive got a spanish test 2maro and i havent studyed for it! i have to complete all the hw (alot of hw) and make sure ive got everything down by class 2maro! what am i gonna do!!!! y the hell am i adding a post when i should be doing my hw!?!?! w/e anyways gtg wish me luck!

ja matte ne ^^
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Sunday, February 27, 2005

   confidential confessions
yesterday i got woken up way early (evil parents) to go down to the jc for my spanish hw... not fun... i was there till 5! ;_;. after that come the good parts tho ^^. ok first off after that we whent to this art store right across from border (a book store if u didnt already no ^^) so i got to snag a bottle of sumi ink and some of the best erasers ^^! after that when my mom wasnt looking i slipped on over to borders without anyone noticing *strikes a ninj4 pose* whoocha! >>.... <<.... O.O!!! so ya i found like 5 or six manga i wanted that i could get! one problem..... 2 days b4 i emptied out most of my wallet so i wouldnt spend all my money on anime insider or games or anything but instead would have a healthy saving for manga....-.-.....just my luck, huh? so anyways i still had 35 bucks.. just enough for three manga ^^;;. well i noticed they had Confidential Confessions #6!!!!! ^^!!! ive been w8ing so long for that!!! unfortunately its supposed to be the end of the series.....;_;. it was so good!!!! so sad!!!! i wanted to cry...anyways i also got Gravitation #3!! yay! havent had a chance to read it yet tho. thats for 2night ^^. but it sucked... i had to choose between The Wallflower #2 and Legal Drug #2 ;_; but oh well b-day is in a month so i guess its all good... i bet everyone gets me gift cards to book stores....-.-.... why cant they understand i dont want anything..... well i do want that sick gamers laptop but i cant have that so i dont want anything.... oh well i guess i really shouldnt complain their hearts are there ^^. anyways i flipped a coin to decide which to get and ended up getting The Wallfower ^^ ;_; *mixed emotions on that...* oh im drawing the girl from my guest book. i still think all my drawings suck but w/e i think i may post it in my fan art if i can get a good pic of it after im done with the hair and stuff. i think im gonna leave off the thing on her back. i dont think it would look nice in this pic. im think ill get some nice paper and ink it l8er. itll be my first inked drawing!!! ^^ im so scared about how its gonna turn out ^^. o well i think ive ranted enough (or have i?) for now at least.

ja matte ne! ^^
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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

   THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH!!! *tears of joy*
I'd like to thank some of my friends right now for what they've done for me this weeked in my time of need.
(Note: this is in no particular order and I'm trying to hurry so please forgive me if I forget to put anyone ^^;;)

RakuDa-dono- I'd like to thank you for talking with me just making me feel so good when I was feeling so lonely.

Heruchigu-dono- I'd like to thank you for talking to me everyday and making me feel so happy. I'd also like to thank you for helping me with the HTML stuff and making my site so wicked 1337!

Anjelon-chan- You talked with me every day, made me laugh, made me forget all my problems, and you even taught me how to forum RP. You brought me near tears of joy on the day I needed it most, closer then anyone has brought me to tears in over a year, for that alone, I can never thank you enough.

Nee-chan- You make me happy every time we talk. You play games with me and even gave me a cool name. ^^

Swayywa- You talked with me everyday and drowned out all my problems in laughter.

Ane-chan- You comforted me every night and made me feel like someone actually cared without doing it in a way that seemed like the only reason you were doing this was because you felt pitty for me. You made me feel like people really cared for me ^^. (Not to mention you gave me my lullaby cd that just plain 0\/\/|\|Z! Thank you!!!)

Lilwitch14- You helped me as soon as you found out and made sure that I was ok. u made me feel happy at a really down time of the night and it was just something I truely needed. Thank you so much.

sonenai addict- You just checked in on me and made sure i was ok and then dropped the topic and took my mind completely off it! Dude your awesome! (And there you have been mentioned on my site, happy? =P ^^)

cami-chan- You had no idea any of this happened and you still talked to me every day and were so nice to me and just made me so so happy!! *bounces at the thought lol ^^*

Dude everyone here is girls... and I wonder why people think I'm gay...-_- oh well I'm not about to complain... (lol ^^v)

Well goodnight everyone and I'll try and post again 2maro if I get the time! ^^ I love you all and can never thank you enough! ^^

Ja matt ne! ^^
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